It doesn't have to be that difficult, does it?

Hear ye, hear ye... all car salesmen, listen up. I'm about to drop some knowledge on you.

After a long and frustrating evening of fruitless searching for a new vehicle, I have come up with a list of rules that you auto-shillers need to pay attention to.

(1.) We didn't hang out at the ballgame last night, so obviously you're not my friend. I didn't come to the dealership to find a new BFF; I came to buy a sweet set of wheels for a good price. Skip the small talk.

(2.) Price. On. The. Window. Please. I don't like having to ask what ridiculous number we're going to start with. It's not going to be the price I'm going to pay, yes, but I'd like to know whether you're pitching a curveball, a slider, or straight heat before I step into the batter's box.

(3.) You go back into the hole you crawled out of while I test drive the car. If I wanted someone to fiddle with the knobs and talk to me while I'm trying to listen to how the car runs, I'd have gone to see my ex-girlfriend's sister.

(4.) I know what my trade-in car is worth. And quite frankly, it angers me when you treat me as though you're committing the most selfless act of humanitarian aid by even letting my previous car sit on the lot next to yours. While I realize that the car I am trading in is not in its prime years, I also know that I didn't just roll up in a 50's model Studebaker with a rusted out roof and a transplanted Pinto engine. You're not tying yourself to a train track over this, pal.

(5.) Same thing when it comes to credit checks. Seriously, Lancelot, you're doing me no favors. You and I both know that. Move along.

(6.) You and I both know that you're not really talking to your manager. I don't know what you do back there in the room, or even if there really is a manager in there, but I'm pretty sure it's either ping pong or seeing how fast you can get to Level 8 of Super Mario Bros. Because you already know the lower number, but you think it makes me think that you're going in there, punching your manager in the face and spitting in his eye, demanding that he give me the car at dealer cost. Here's the deal. Since you already know the number (you do this everyday right?) why don't we just skip the dance and get straight to the after-party.

(7.) That number is ridiculous, and you know it, and I'm insulted by you even showing it to me. See above, re: the dance.

(8.) If I tell you I want my payments to stay the same, and you tell me that won't happen, the conversation is over. Over. That's right over. Stop trying to show me another car. Really.

(9.) When I say no to the price you're offering on one car, and you offer to sell me a Kia instead, I have the Constitutional right to punch you in the eye. You get to pick which one.

(10.) Once you've offered a payment rate, if you forgot to factor in the payoff on my trade, that's your fault. Don't come tell me I've got to pay a hundred more a month while I am filling out the contracts. I will ball the contract up and throw it in your face, and I will take one of your free Cokes while I'm on the way out the door.

These are just a few. Am I mad right now? Ohhhhh yeah.