AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 28: TOP 8 CONTESTANTS PERFORM!!

It's Tuesday night, and the mood is right, but despite all that we're going to watch American Idol. Tonight will feature the music of Queen. Kellie Pickler will be singing "Bohemian Rhapsody!" Oooh, wait, is that a train wreck I see up there? I don't know. I just can't seem to stop watching.

(live blogging, keep refreshing!!)

Fox promises me this will be the most exciting show ever. Do you promise, Fox? Do you really really promise? Ryan asks if anyone can match up to Freddie Mercury, and already I feel the show is doomed to failure. However, I'll try to keep an open mind. Fantasia is in the crowd, and Ryan Seacrest is wearing a sweater vest, in case you thought he might have one iota of fashion sense. The judges are in the house, and Simon couldn't look more bored if he were at a grass-growing competition.

We get a short Queen retrospective, and it's quite sad to see a classic rock act sell out big time. That shaking you hear is an earthquake being caused by Freedie Mercury spinning in his grave. Apparently Paul Rogers of Bad Company is fronting the band now, and I'm getting weird mental images of Queen singing "Feel Like Making Love" or "Boys Cry Tough." Kellie, who pronounces her name "Kay-uh-leee," introduces herself to the band.

Do you think Mandisa would've been okay with performing Queen songs? Okay, let's not get into that...

Seacrest does some inane banter with the director, and Idol has officially hit rock bottom in the comedy department. Seriously, guys, leave the jokes to us bloggers.

Bucky feels like he would have a great time with Queen in a bar. I wonder if he realizes it would probably be a gay bar. Bucky is singing "Fat Bottomed Girls." He's doing it the way you'd expect him to do. It's a great song on it's own merits, but it's just right coming from him. Bucky's barely on pitch, and he's not singing so much as he's growling the song. It almost sounds like Bucky chain smoked a carton of Marlboro 100's before coming on stage. One thing Bucky does have going for him is that he picks song where pitch and tone aren't necessarily the most important thing, which works in his favor. Still, his energy was great, and I liked it. Randy likes it a lot, says "pitchy," and is excited. Paula likes it as a country song and that's the most constructive criticism we'll get from her tonight. Simon thinks it was a good choice, but that the song was bigger than him, and his performance was just mediocre. Ryan Seacrest is so incredibly short.

After the break, Ace and Kay-uh-leee...

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Ace is in the place, and he thinks that the competition is really tough, which is just his way of saying he’s tired of constantly being in the bottom three. Ace is really not good at speaking off the cuff, which is weird, because I figure there have got to be some cue cards somewhere. Maybe his contacts are worn out from trying to eye-molest the camera. Ace and Queen can’t really figure out whether or not they want to do Ace’s arrangement or the one that actually rocks. The Queen guys are REALLY not having it with Ace and they flat out refused to change the arrangement of “We Will Rock You” to whatever boy band inanity he was suggesting. The Queen guys tell him they will absolutely NOT do that to the song, and the inference is that Ace better not do it either. He basically ends up offending Queen and looking like a complete idiot. He apparently borrowed eye makeup from a mortician this week. Either that or his eyes have been bleeding and he just let the blood clot stay there. Okay, major note about the Queen songs so far: they don’t require much vocal talent to sing. Ace is shouting up there, and that’s best left to Chris. Ace murders that falsetto. Oh goodness, this is not good. Hey hey, that’s Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees in the audience. Randy doesn’t like the song any whatsoever and he throws out the word “karaoke.” Paula says the word “bastardized” which about sums it all up. Simon thinks Randy was generous in his criticism and calls it a complete and utter mess. He points out that Ace forgot his words, and he really really hated it. So after a huge de-pimping, Ace pulls a Justin Guarini and asks the sycophantic audience if they liked it. He thinks he rocked. He also thinks that Pamela Anderson never had any plastic surgery. We won't be seeing Ace next week unless he's in the audience.

Kellie Pickler is murdering “Bohemian Rhapsody” tonight. Queen seems to like her. Ryan calls it the most popular song of all time, and as host of American Top 40, you’d think he’d know better. Pickler looks ghastly up there with her ridiculous biker outfit and her Brett Michaels hair. Thanks again for screeching, Kellie. Sing from your nose a little bit more, would you? Y’all, Kellie has some serious bags under her eyes. She jumps off stage and then falls to her knees on the risers, which as a joke is just way too easy. Hope that hurt. She’s flat as all get out, just in case your ears hadn’t already slammed shut from trying to avoid her nasality. Randy compliments her wardrobe, and he was entertained. Notice how he scrupulously avoided any vocal criticism. Paula compares her to Constantine, natch. Simon calls her a brave girl, criticizes her look, and he says something about how the performance should have sucked on paper. Kellie interrupts because she doesn’t know what paper is. Simon starts to explain, then realizes who he’s talking to and just says forget about it. She then goes through some inane crap about not having an ack-sey-ent. Does anyone have some nails on a chalkboard I can listen to rather than this?

After the break, Chris…

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Chris Daughtry is singing "Innuendo," (which Kellie thinks is the way she used to sneak her boyfriends into the house) and Chris has found a way to be innovative and original by being the first person in the history of mankind to sing the song live. The Nobel Prize people are waiting offstage. Chris also invented the vaccine for polio while he was at it and worked on inventing the internet with Al Gore. Chris apparently borrowed Ace's eye makeup, and it just looks horrid. He's screaming the same note over and over again, and I'm just about out of patience with his exaggerated vibrato and his screaming in my ear. I'm sorry y'all. I'm a fan of Chris's, and apparently so is Camryn Manheim, but I'm tired of it. Randy's expectations were met, and he loved it. Paula blah blah blah something inarticulate blah blah Chris you're better than Queen blah blah. Simon thinks they don't perform that song live because the song is the suck, which is my point exactly. Simon thinks it was self-indulgent.

After the break, Katharine...

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Katharine is going to bounce around and giggle a lot, which is sexy and creepy at the same time. She finally decides to sing "Who Wants to Live Forever." Katharine gets the smoke machine treatment. I love her opening vocal, and thankfully she's finally remembered to sing from deep inside. Well, at least until she gets to the high notes she can't quite reach, though fortunately those are few and far between. I actually love this song coming from her. At the end, though, she starts to get just the least little bit screechy, but overall, I'm digging the performance. Randy thinks she's in her element, and he uses "pitchy" for the second time tonight, but he likes her performance. Paula thinks she made the right song choice. Puppies, rainbows, kittens. Simon thinks it was "almost the moment," whatever that means. He comments that the lighting and the director had a lot to do with her looking good (what???? you mean the director and stage hands can influence the outcome of the show????)

After the break, Elliott and Taylor...

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Elliott Yamin has had a lot of jobs, and he's a former overnight DJ. They show the most horrific picture of him, and then he does his radio voice, which I sort of like. The Queen guys like Elliott. Elliott picks a camera to get into a staring competition with, and he tears into the song. Meanwhile, the band is playing loud enough to overpower any other sound on the planet, including most volcanic eruptions. Elliott's doing a fabulous job singing the song though. I think he's upped his game a bit from the previous weeks. I love how he wraps up the song. Randy thinks it was the hardest song to sing tonight. He says "pitchy" for the third time tonight, but he loves Elliott. Paula thinks it was the best vocal tonight. Simon congratulates him on choosing a tough song and then noncommitally says that he may or may not have pulled it off. Where's the Elliott love?

Taylor Hicks feels like getting back to his old spastic self. I am VERY glad he didn't go with "We Are the Champions." Time for some old school Taylor with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Vocally, he's not great, yet again. He misses kicking down the mic stand, which...um...how hard is that? Then he starts dancing. Do any of you guys notice how his voice improves noticeably when he starts dancing and getting into it? When he's standing still, he can't sing for beans, but when he gets all spazzoid, suddenly something comes out. I love the high energy, and this is miles better than the previous weeks. Randy is happy to see Taylor finally bringing it on again. Paula was refreshed. Simon asks if Taylor is drunk, and he thought the whole performance was ridiculous. C'mon guys, we all know Paula's the only one drunk here.

After the break, Princess Pee...

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Paris Bennett is very good, apparently, according to Queen and Idol. You hear that America??? Idol wants you to vote for this girl and forget that Elliott exists!!! You will do as you're commanded! Paris' weave of the week is a cheap Mary J. Blige knock-off. She tries the tough girl act, but it is so not coming off well. She tries to style it up while singing "the show must go on," but tonight, she's just not believable. Somehow, I just find myself wanting to smack her upside the head. The song is too low for her to properly sing. Not a good performance. Time for the pimpfest though, even if it's completely unnecessary since Ace is obviously the one going home. Randy says it started off rough but that she worked it out. Paula speaks for the whole country and every rock group as she pimps Paris to death. Simon found it all a little weird, and the music starts prior to Simon being able to actually speak his mind. Awkward, much?

MY PREDICTIONS: Dude, Ace is SO outta here. Forget about it.

See ya tomorrow night for results!