AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 26: TOP 9 CONTESTANTS PERFORM!!

It's Tuesday night again, and it's also time for the worst theme night of all: COUNTRY MUSIC! Oh, the humanity!

I don't have any great antipathy toward the genre, however, it couldn't be more obvious that the show is being tailored toward Kellie Pickler's limited abilities.

In any case, on with the show!

(live blogging, keep refreshing!!)

Seacrest forgot to shave tonight! I guess he can't look like he's thirteen forever. Whoopi Goldberg is in the audience. Why, you ask? Do I care?

Randy is wearing something he stole off a dead clown, Paula is clapping like she is going to break every single one of her nails, and Simon is very Simon-esque. Seacrest introduces this week's celebrity influence: Kenny Rogers, whom I will not be making very many snide remarks about, since I respect his music and grew up listening to him. The only thing I will say is that whoever that is looks NOTHING like Kenny Rogers.

Taylor Hicks is up first, and he's going to be singing a song near and dear to my heart, which is "Take Me Home Country Roads" as originally done by John Denver. He's auditioning it for Kenny, and it's making me furious, because it's quite obvious he's about to destroy this song. Kenny's not real optimistic about it either. Is it me or did Taylor just get a big pimp slap? Taylor makes those high notes sound like a male dog getting neutered without the benefit of anesthesia. He reaches up, and ends up going through his nose, totally missing the mark. For the first time, the flaws in his voice are REALLY sticking out like a kool-aid mustache on a polar bear. There's none of Taylor's traditional pizzazz, and I'm finding his performance tonight to just be really flat, dead, and forgettable. Randy says "yo yo" which can't be good. Randy thought the vocal was just sort of okay and asks Taylor for some personality. Paula takes a very pregnant pause, which is immediately followed by Paula's inane jabbering about song choice, as though that should be reason for forgiveness of a bad performance. Simon thinks it was "safe, boring, and lazy." Taylor's in the dumper this week! Ryan makes a joke about Simon's love life, but hey, we can't all be dating Teri Hatcher, can we? 1 866 IDOLS 01. Taylor brought some of his fans in on the short bus, apparently.

After the break, Mandisa...

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Ryan is completely thrown by someone in the audience saying "I love you, Ryan." Oh wait, that was Paula. Ryan asks what she has in the cup, which confirms just about everything that people on the boards and newsgroups have been saying about Paula's recreational habits.

Mandisa is singing an already wretched song, "Any Man of Mine," as done by Shania Twain. First of all, it looks like she picked up the floor mat when she walked in the studio door and wore it as a shirt, and then there's the blue jeans again. C'mon girl, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I can't even bear to comment on the song, because it sounds just wretched. This is so not a hot one tonight, people. It wasn't just the wrong song, either. She sung it wrong, it was too low, and it was just not good. I do want to be there in the audience to sit with Rachel Bilson, though (sorry Em!) Randy isn't into the performance at all, and he could only compliment the last four bars, and that's not much. Paula is glowing, her eyes are glazed, and she's obviously toasted. Simon thought the song was horrible. Paula says Simon is "booable," and I'm wondering if she's not subconsciously competing with Pickler to see who can say the stupidest thing. The performance was rough. Simon digs on Ryan about his attempt to look like he's from Desperate Housewives, and somewhere Teri Hatcher is bursting into tears. Ryan says that someone at the table has a flask. Wanna guess who? 1 866 IDOLS 02

Elliott Yamin is advised by Kenny to not do a lot of runs, and thank you Kenny for finally getting that across on the show. You don't have to sing your way around a note like OOOH-eee-ooOOh-eee-yah-OOOh. Kenny, could you please talk to Katharine about it next? Elliott does tend to oversing, but that could be to overcompensate for the fact that he sort of resembles one of those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. He's singing "If Tomorrow Never Comes," and I'm hoping it will, because one of these yahoos really needs to go. Not that I'm saying it's Elliott, because his vocal was really good, even if the song he sang was dull as dishwater. Randy says "yo dawg." He then proceeds to do some name-dropping since he produced that song with Garth Brooks, and meanwhile Paula passes out in Simon's lap. Randy says it was hot. Paula wakes up and then yammers on in a drunken stupor about how great Elliott is. I'm not paying attention, because it's just not important. Blah blah roses blah flowers blah rainbows blah puppies... Simon thinks it was a safe song and comments on Elliott's lack of confidence. He thinks Elliott will have to do better. 1 866 IDOLS 03

After the break, Paris and Ace...

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Paris Bennett is wearing her five-millionth wig, and Ryan asks how she does her hair with absolutely no irony in his voice at all. Paris pretends with Ryan that she doesn't wear weaves, and she actually claims that the hair cells in those funky rugs actually originated with her particular follicles as opposed to growing on some horse's butt somewhere. Kenny pimps Paris, but Paris starts the song off with a missed run and tons of sharps and flats. It doesn't help that this is one of the most tired country songs ever. Paris's limitations are heartily on display tonight, and folks, we might just have yet another episode to log under "worst Idol episodes EVER." The money note just didn't work for me, and then the shouting at the end is unpleasant. Sorry Paris baby, but even if I weren't morally opposed to your existence on this show already, I wouldn't vote for you tonight. Randy thinks it was a tough song for Paris and that the beginning was not good. It's just alright for him. Paula says something like "blah blah blah" and she actually says Paris wasn't enjoyable. Paris says "thank you" in her best Lollipop Kid voice. Simon sings Paris' praises, and he must have been listening to some other performance. Either that or he's pimping her out. 1 866 IDOLS 04

Ace Young is complimented by Kenny pretty heavily. Let's hope this doesn't totally stink, or Acey boy is going home. I hate to tell you Kenny, but this ain't that great either. Ace is whining half the song. He's still trying to put that boy band breathy end on every single line, and he's got the Pickler nasal-ness going on to. There's no range shown in this song. He's not holding the notes steadily, and the way some of the notes crack is very obvious and almost jarring. I didn't like this performance at all. Randy is obviously not having it either. He says the song is boring and the only thing he can compliment him on is the falsetto at the end. Paula disagrees, and can't say "signature" because she is completely and utterly sloshed. Simon likes the performance. I think he's been sipping from Paula's cup. Ryan points out that Ace is single. He then slips him Teri's number. 1 866 IDOLS 05

After the break, ewwwww...

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Icky Picky gets a pre-performance interview, and she answers the concerns that she's just putting on an act about her naivete by putting on an act about her naivete. Kellie puts all those rumors to rest by saying that it's not an act and that she is really an inbred-esque moron. This is the real you, Kellie, the really stupid you. Why would you want to claim that? Still, if you didn't believe the show was pimping her heavily before, you can't deny it now! Kellie likes Kenny's accent, but let me tell ya Kellie, I bet you anything Kenny knows what a "ballsy" is. Ace's brother checks her out from behind as she walks up to the stage. My fingers don't really want to type this, but so far she's given us the best vocal yet tonight, though that shouldn't be hard, since tonight's theme was picked solely to give Kellie something she was good at to advance her further through the competition. Also, the other vocals have really been bad, so if she had gotten up and broken wind into the microphone, she might have still done better. Randy points out that she's in her element, which, well...DUH!! Paula blabbers about something. Just something. Who cares? Simon hates the song but thinks she performs well. Kellie says "sorry" because she doesn't know what a compliment is. Don't vote for her, please, I beg of you! 1 866 IDOLS 06

After the break, Chris and Katharine...

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Ok, Chris Rock is way too cool to be in this audience.

Chris Daughtry is the sole rocker in a family of country artists. Let's see how he does here. He takes it down a notch, and I enjoy the softer side of Chris. What is it about bald men growing beards? It makes you look like your head is on upside down. Chris does manage to sing the song semi-well, though he's not real confident on the notes and that exaggerated vibrato of his doesn't work too well on notes that he can't scream. Still, I think this is the best song of the night, as country songs go. Someone in the audience solidifies their lameness by holding up a "Got Daughtry" poster. Randy thinks it's great that he flipped the script and went non-rock-n-roll tonight. Paula says something positive. Simon starts to talk, and then Paula starts giggling. Somewhere off-screen, Nigel is calling up the Betty Ford clinic and organizing an intervention. Simon thinks it was boring, which is right, but at least it's something different. 1 866 IDOLS 07

Katharine McPhee is up next, and she wants to sing something not country, so she goes for the blues angle. She looks smashing tonight with those thunder thighs and she gets her freak on while she wails about us bringing out the Elvis in her. She looks a bit awkward while she's roaming around off-stage. Vocally, I don't have a problem with this song, but I just sort of don't like it. Maybe I'm being hard to please tonight, but it was just a'ight for me, y'knah I mean? Randy likes it, and Paula likes it. Simon doesn't. He's off his nut tonight for some reason. Katharine gives Simon some attitude, but she did well enough to justify it. 1 866 IDOLS 08

After the break, Bucky better rock the house, or I ain't votin' for anyone tonight...

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Bucky Covington is rounding out the show. This should be his night! Bucky kids around with Kenny, and you know what, I really like him. He's obviously backwoods and rednecky, but he's just likable. Bucky sings "Grey Sky Morning," which I thought was done by Vertical Horizon, but I guess not originally. He starts off rough, and I'm not enjoying it so much vocally. It's great for country, and I implore someone at a major label to sign him to do tons of country and western albums, because he's just so right for that. And there's no way he's gonna win Idol. I thought vocally he was weak tonight, but there's something about his voice that I just like listening to. It makes me feel like I should be in my truck with the windows down and a large dog in the passenger seat with his head out the window and tongue hanging out. Paula and Randy thought it was okay. So did Simon. Ryan smarts off to Simon, and I hope Simon gives him a big ol' spankin' later on during the after-party. 1 866 IDOLS 09

MY PREDICTIONS:

I have no idea who is going home this week. It's pretty much anybody's game, because I wasn't impressed by anything tonight. If I had to guess, I'd probably say Ace, but I'm not 100 percent on it. The only one that I feel is safe for certain is Kellie.

Join me again tomorrow night for late coverage of the results!