AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 27: TOP 9 ELIMINATION!

Alright, it's a little late, but hey, better late recap than no recap, right? Or at least that's what the girls sending me marriage proposals over at the official A.I. boards seem to indicate. (You may think I'm lying, but I'm not!)

So after a particularly lousy show last night, will there be an upset tonight? Or will justice finally be served on some contestants? We'll find out. Seacrest is still rockin' the peach fuzz on his face, which means he may have finally been promoted to the sophomore class at Hollywood High. We get a look at the contestants, and everytime they do that left to right pan of their smiling faces, I still see Christina Christian missing at the end.

So Ryan-bot continues to do the same thing he's done ever since Dunkleman up and got canned, except less funny. I'm really digging my Season One references tonight for some reason. There are the obligatory "Pick Pickler" signs in the crowd, which is too bad, since Kellie hasn't learned to read yet. Literacy hasn't been invented in Albemarle yet. I can't believe 35 million people voted last night. I just wasn't motivated.

Thankfully Randy Jackson has on actual clothes made for humans tonight. I wonder if he'll ever not try to act ghetto? Hopefully Paula Abdul will not be completely sauced. And maybe, just maybe, Simon's shirt collection will catch on fire while he's not at home. Which of those do you think is more likely to happen out of sheer random chance? I'm not really sure why Randy is booing Simon. Who knows, maybe Journey offered Simon the chance to play bass on their next tour and Randy's jealous.

Once again, it's time to see pictures of last night's wretched performances, spliced together with whoever that guy is who is play-acting as Kenny Rogers. Getting the pimp treatment tonight are Kellie and Bucky. They slobber all over Ace's wretched yet dismal performance last night as though we didn't remember how nasal and whiny it was. Paris gets a mixed review again. Katharine, Taylor and Mandisa get smacked down. Elliott pretty much gets ignored.

Now it's time to see Kenny Rogers and his latest facelift on stage. Ryan's attempt to start static between Kenny and Simon falls flat, because Simon does actually have an appreciation for Kenny's music, whereas Seacrest wasn't born in time to be able to do so. Kenny's performing a new song from his new album, which is disappointing, because I would've really sat up if he would've sung something like "The Gambler," "Lucille," "Lady," or "Coward of the County." I'm just not feeling this song for some reason. To be honest, it sort of sounds like Kenny, but I keep getting snagged up on the fact that when I look at the screen it doesn't LOOK like Kenny Rogers singing. His facelift makes it look like he's permanently surprised. I feel like I'm in some alternate Kenny Rogers universe. I miss Kenny's mullet and his full on beard. This whole metrosexual cut and goatee just ain't gettin' it for me. The contestants are watching the performance, and Katharine McPhee could not possibly look more bored as she sits there, arms crossed over her knees, sort of looking around as if to say "I don't care, and I don't want to be here." Ryan and Taylor Hicks are so bored with it that they're having their own little conversation to the side. At least Travis Tritt enjoyed the performance while sitting in the audience.

So now that that's over with and everybody's hugging Kenny (while being careful not to pop the stitches out from just under his hairline) I just have to get this off my chest. I miss the group performances. I mean, it sort of adds another level to the competition, because you get to hear how each contestant performs in a group setting. It gives me more to vote for, if you know what I mean. And as it is now, every time they bring in a celebrity performer, it just sort of cheapens the contestants themselves, because they're no longer good enough to fill program time, and instead we get what is basically a commercial for the featured singer's new album, which just happens to be released by Fox or one of their affiliates. It's sort of like Idol is slowly turning into Saturday Night Live what with the lame attempts at comedy and now the musical guests.

Wow the A.I. Ford commercials are getting bad. This particular one features Kellie in ridiculous looking shades flirting with Taylor, who then inexplicably dons welding goggles to join Mandisa and the rest of the gang as they beat on a car. Kellie comes in crying, probably because someone finally told her what a ballsy is, and then suddenly, voila! she has a new Ford car, and everyone is all happy. Wowsers, Kellie had about twice the screen time on this video than all the other contestants combined! Talk about pimping my ride!

Ryan rips on Kellie, which was supposed to be my job. He says that she probably thinks that is how cars are really made, and he's probably right, but way to dig her hole all that much deeper Seacrest. Thanks to Ryan enlightening me, I now totally believe that she's not just putting it on. I also believe that snow comes up from the ground and that Ryan is actually straight.

Ryan confirms that the music next week will be the songs of Queen, and somewhere a tornado is being whipped up by a steadily rotating Freddie Mercury inside his grave.

The contestants are being split up into three groups of three. Now pay attention. The first group consists of Taylor, Kellie and Chris. The second group consists of Mandisa, Elliott and Paris, and trust me, this is the bottom three. The third group consists of Ace, Katharine and Bucky.

Well lemme tell ya, Taylor, Kellie, and Chris are all safe, and mark my words, THOSE are the top 3 for the whole she-bang. I hate to say it, but that's the way it's looking, y'all.

Ace looks scared again, and that's either because he's wearing the same outfit for the second month straight and he's afraid Katharine might smell him, or that he thinks he might be in the bottom three yet again. Katharine is wearing the pregnant shirt again and a mini-skirt. She looks nervous too. Bucky's got the cowboy hat thing going on, but oddly enough he appears to be at ease with himself.

For once, Mandisa is wearing something semi-nice, even though she can't be feeling good about last night's performance. Elliott looks nervous, and Paris just sort of looks like "what am I doing up here, my mommy says everything I do is perfect."

As it turns out, Ace, Kat, and Buckfest are safe. Mandisa, Elliott, and Paris are quite rightly in the bottom three.

I'm bored. Paris is safe. Whoop dee doo. I'm guessing Mandisa is going home. I'm right. And with that, it's time to turn my TV off, because as much as I like Mandisa, I don't want to hear that horrendous Shania riff again. Good luck, Mandy, and we'll see ya at the finale.