Tuesday, February 13, 2007

American Idol Hollywood!

Ahhh, the auditions are finally over. And now it's time to cull the cream from the crop. Hollywood awaits! How much drama can we uncover? What's more, will we care? Watch and see as Idol unfolds and I think of more hyperbolic phrases.

Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, and Daughtry are touted as superstars. OUCH for Kellie Pickler! Snubbed!

Well, we've got an Orpheum full of people who are just hoping that they will be one of the few out of the couple hundred amassed that will go on to fame, fortune, and a VH1 Behind the Music drug-addled career. Unfortunately, most of them will be lucky if they get to spend another night in La-La Land.

Today, only the girls are singing, because apparently the guys sucked potatoes this year and didn't get picked. Hi Gina! Hi Jordin! With this many girls, there are bound to be some excellent catfights this year. All I really want to say though is WOOHOO, NO BRITTENUMS!

Jory Steinberg was a lot of fun to watch in New York, and she's got some fans already. She's dressed like Paula, which as schtick goes is only slightly less annoying than jock itch, and she's trying to work an Anastasia song. Simon couldn't be more pleased if he were in the midst of a colonoscopy. He looks like he ate cacti for lunch. Kelly Caruso sounds good. And a quick succession of girls whose names I didn't have time to catch sounded various levels of horrid. Jory is not going through. Ouch... None of them go. Attila the Brit assails their originality and cautions the crowd that they best bring it or they best make sure their boots are made for walkin'.

The next group is going to poop their pants. They said so! And rightly so. Look, it's the audition of a lifetime. You can't phone it in. It has to be your best performance EVERY time. Why, six years into this competition, do people not get this?

And there's a nice congrats to Carrie from the Fox folks. Classy!

And now, it's time for Perla Meneses, who I don't think makes it all the way, but she's still a nice techno artist. She's got a bit of the attitude, and she reminds me a bit of Mikalah Gordon and Brenna Gethers. Maybe I'll end up liking her like the other two, but only after some time. She goes the obvious route and sings Shakira, but it ain't gonna serve her as well this time. It seems contrived, and the one trick pony has completed its repertoire. Rachel Jenkins, the Army brat, looks a little better without the fatigues on, though the whole hubby-blubby segment is kinda nauseating. She's pleasant, but nothing impressive. Rachel is going home. Perla goes through. No big surprise. Simon gets all up in Perla's Kool-Aid, calling her personality over talent. Dre (Perla's performing name) cries a lot. Because, you know, she made it through. Which is reason to cry why? Suck it up, absorb the criticism, come back as a better artist.

Baylie Brown should prove to be a star this year. I don't particularly care for her stylings tonight, but it's not bad by any means. I'd love to be an A&R rep at a country label right about now, because I'd sign her so fast, the ink wouldn't dry before her record hit platinum status. And she's through. They're selling her hard this year, so be prepared. Some other chicks that Idol doesn't want us to care about all go through along with the Golden Child.

Ashlyn Carr is going home, even after getting a second chance the last time. That's almost beyond cruel. Sarah Burgess, the girl who lied to her dad, is going home also, along with that She-Hulk chick whose name I can't remember.

The first day is over, and a lot of girls are crying in their air sickness bags on the way home. Nicole Turner capitulates to her mom and sings "Ain't No Way," and there ain't no way she's going through on that performance. Ashley Somebody and Nicole are going home. The lesson here is this: never listen to your parents. Right? Somebody call Standards and Practices at Fox and check that one out. Lesson two: never let your mom fight your battles for you. Nicole's mom goes onstage to beg for Nicole's future, which is only slightly less nauseating than stomach flu. Nicole goes postal on Simon, and Simon goes postal right back, and then Nicole screams at him to not scream at her. All this backtalk wins her a ticket...back to the house.

56 of 114 women go home. Melinda Dolittle and Gina Glocksen rock it out. Jamie Lynn Ward does too. Time for some Sundance!

Sundance hopes the guy to girl ratio will work in his favor. He's not really talking about the singing competition, is he? I wonder if Sundance is going to pull a Kimberly Caldwell this year? Anyway, Sundance, your talent already puts you head and shoulders over the competition. So much so that I'm ignoring this other guy who's talking now. Oh, Brian Miller is his name, I find out belatedly. He sings rather well, if not slightly blandly. His Pat Boone version of "A Change Is Gonna Come" is alright, but nothing that I'd plunk down money for at Tower Records. Or even at the flea market.

Jarrod Fowler auditioned in his Navy whites, and he's here to bring glory to the Armed Forces. Not with this flat audition, I hope. I fear for his immediate future. Life can be tough in the Persian Gulf.

Matt Sato, the guy with the nuclear zit on his nose, is taking a break from getting swirlies and atomic wedgies to do this audition, and now he's ready to impress us. He's way too boy band for my taste, and I hate that I can hear every stinkin' breath he takes. Still, he's talented. If I have to hear him cry one more time, I'm going to throw a manly cowboy boot at the TV.

Judgment time. Michael Lawson steps forward. Matt also steps up. Chris the Jack Osbourne character does also. They are all through. Jarrod, on the other hand, will go back to swabbing the deck. Matt Sato cries like a newborn baby who just got yanked out of the womb and smacked with a boat paddle. Seacrest, adorned in raincoat and galoshes, wades through the river of tears to comfort him. Matt blubbers into his cell phone, and his mother tells him she loves him for the first time ever in his life.

24 of the guys, including Blake Lewis, Nick Pedro, Phil Stacy, and Sean "Goatboy" Michel. Looks like Sundance made it too.

Oh boy, group night...I can't think of anything I'd like to participate in less, and that includes quadruple root canal.

Matt Sato can't find a group of people that will accept him. Wanna bet that this happens a lot back home? For some reason, I think this guy gets picked on. A lot. Matt Buckstein is cool, though, and despite being stuck with the Brokenote Cowboys last year, he hopes to get something working. Not an auspicious start, though. Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis work their things out, and I just like them because they're cool.

Baylie Brown is teamed up with Antonella and Amanda, the two best friends that Simon predicted would break up during the competition. A fairly apt prediction, judging by the current doings. And they're going to Hulk out on each other, while Baylie sits by, knowing she'll carry them both on her back.

Gina and Perla are in the same group. It's sort of like putting sodium into water. Eruption! Gina accuses Perla of not being able to harmonize. This is true. Perla's used to having the synthesizer cover her shortcomings. I know. I've heard her Myspace. The fact that her Myspace is still up tells me that things didn't go so well for Dre during the Hollywood rounds.

Baylie and the Wonder Twins are working on their stuff, but wouldn't you know it, no lyrics! They keep disappearing into the vacuous air spaces where their brains should be. Amanda leaves and struts her legs in front of the guys. She sleazes it up for the camera. Hope she gets cut!

Gina's group prepare to not get along. They have all the workings of a band that breaks up before the record gets released. The best you can hope for is for Gina to break lose and choke-slam Perla during the chorus.

And now it's morning time. Some groups aren't working out so well. Amanda is so not BFFs with Baylie and Antonella anymore.

Simon emphasizes the importance of remembering the lyrics. Especially when it comes to absurdly simple songs like these. I mean, come on... nerves or no nerves, how do you forget a song you've heard since you were a zygote?

Matt Sato forgets the words. I really kinda hope he goes home, because he seems like a nice enough kid, and he's not ready for this competition. Fortunately he does, and he's still good to go for trying out again in future years. He mopes and actually cries less when he loses than when he succeeds.

Gina's group is trying to gel. Please, please, please, I want Gina in the top 12 this year! Please!!! Perla is not being likable. Which, as understatements go, is comparable to saying that Saddam Hussein was kind of a bad person. Jessica Gordon sounds wretched. Gina sounds super! Me likey! Perla sounds like 20 miles of skinned back mule backside. She doesn't even try to take it seriously. Marisa Rhodes sounds nice. One does not go through, and that person is Perla. BYE. Justice is served.

Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe, and Chris Sligh do a flippin' AWESOME job. I like ALL of them. They're all going on. Duh.

Sundance Head didn't do so well in the first round. Simon didn't like it one bit, and it sort of looks like he wants Sundance to spontaneously combust rather than proceed one more millisecond into this competition. Today, however, Sundance plans to do well. L' Paige Bedford doesn't really work it. No ticket there. Robyn Troup does a passable job. Sundance overpowers his notes, and it's not so much fun for me. Where'd that Sundance that I liked so much from the first audition go???? Big frowny face here. Sundance still goes through, but the girls don't. Simon and Paula argue in front of the children.

Baylie's group is being perfectly dysfunctional downstairs. Baylie's mom is cute-ish. Please, let Amanda go home. I still sort of like Antonella. I always thought she was the better one. Baylie's okay despite forgetting the entirety of the song. Simon looks at Amanda with the loathing usually reserved for child molesters. Fortunately, she screws up the words also. One of the three is going home. And that one is... Baylie???? !!!!! The most talented one of them is going home... I'm not going to vote for Amanda if she gets through. Ever. Amanda says that "God likes good people," indicating that she is, in fact, one of those good people. So far, no lightning bolts, though I'm sure her bus pass to Hell is pretty well booked.

Final cuts! Day 4 sees only 56 standing. We're about to cut 16. I think this is where we split them all up into different rooms. We get random comments from the judges, and I have ALWAYS wanted them to eventually disclose who the heck they're talking about. Maybe not NOW, but like as an online easter egg or something. The decision has been made, and they're all sequestered into three rooms. One room is out, and if people could COUNT, and found themselves in a room of 16 (not 20), they'd know to go ahead and start crying.

The first room has 20 people. That, plus the fact that the first room NEVER gets cut, tells me these people are in good shape. And yay, Gina is in there! Paula leads off saying some sappy stuff, so you know they're through.

The second room has Antonella in it. Can't tell how many people. But they usually save the loser room for last, right? They're all going through. The whole joke about "I'm so sorry, but...you win" is way past done.

Room three goes away.

AMANDA GOT CUT, AMANDA GOT CUT, AMANDA GOT CUT!!! Poor Sanjaya. Even poorer Shyamali. I guess it's back to posing naked behind a guitar on her Myspace page again. Sanjaya's myspace page is still up too, so I'm not so confident for him tomorrow.

Tomorrow, they cut it down to 24, and time for the hot seat!!


At 7:55 AM, Anonymous idolicious said...

Is it too much trouble for TPTB to acknowledge that Taylor has a CD that you can, y'know, actually buy? In a STORE? I guess it is.

Your fiance is GORGEOUS, by the way.

Oh...and are you going to eventually review Katharine's CD? I'm curious as to what you have to say about it. It's not getting as good reviews as Taylor, I don't think, but critics are kind of split down the middle between loving and hating it.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Trish said...

thnx for another great review. Im always grateful to u because im always forgettign who is who from the nite of audition to now. Anyway u help to clear alot of that up. I really felt bad for baylee. Leave it to (2) jersey girls (From the shore no less) to screw it up for her. Im from jersey so i can get away saying this. Anyway, look forward to tonite and the final 12... btw, did the backup singer girl who was so nervous make it thru? I forgot her name (see what i mean??) Enjoy vd with Priscella !

At 3:54 PM, Blogger J.D. said...

LOL...enjoy VD with Priscilla? I *really* hope you meant valentine's day :)

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Texas Biscuit said...

That Amanda was oh so dirty and snotty - I was afraid the producers would put her through though, just to get us worked up. Glad she's gone.

I'm really sad about Bailey Brown. I thought she had a lot of potential and I was prepared to support her through at least the top 12. Why don't they do the wild card anymore??

At 5:38 PM, Anonymous Joy said...

I hate to say this, but I'm glad Bailey got cut, especially once I heard her badmouthing that other one about flirting with the guys. THAT didn't cause her to forget her lyrics. It was her own fault. And I really liked her voice ALOT! She showed herself to be a sore loser by trying to blame the others for HER own mistakes.


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