American Idol Night 5: Birmingham AGAIN

It's time for an hour of American Idol and a recapper who has had a grand total of four hours of sleep. I might not be funny, but I guarantee you that I'm liable to say something tonight that makes you wonder if I've been smoking that Wacky T. Backy.

(LIVE BLOGGED)

Here we are in Birmingham, which has given birth to a whole big bunch of people who have gone on to make lots of money from this show. Tay, Bo, Ru... you know they all come from the 205. While there may be few of that calibre in this cadre of miscreants, they at least don't lack enthusiasm.

They certainly fawn over the Judges Three, and Simon eats it up like the royalty he imagines himself to be.

Erica Skye dances like a peg-leg pirate who needs to pee (thanks Priscilla!) and she plans on pursuing either dentistry or singing. She's as country as a sugar sandwich, so at least that part is semi-endearing in a Kellie Pickler sort of way. I sort of get the feeling that at any moment, cotton might start sprouting out of random orifices on this girl. Unfortunately, she doesn't nearly have the voice that our Miss Pickler had. That being said, she's not completely untalented, just in need of some serious vocal coaching. This segment has been creatively edited quite heavily. I'd like to know how this really went in reality. Paula wigs out over this contestant and runs offstage in her annual bit of hatefulness. They all hate her and she ain't Hollywood-bound. Erica leaves and she brushes the dust off her shoulder at the three, which Paula translates, for the three of you in America that didn't get it, into a curse word that rhymes with "duck shoe."

Katie Bernard has a darling little voice, and she's cute. I'm wondering what I'll hear come out of her mouth when she sings. Something tells me that I'm going to be pleasantly surprised. She's going to sing "A House Is Not a Home." WOW! Where did that voice come from? This is nice. I'd like to see her go forward a LOT. Paula gets on her knees, because she's just going bat-spit crazy tonight. Simon isn't convinced and doesn't give her a pass. Randy, on the other hand, is feelin' it, so that leaves Katie's fate in the hand of the Pauler. Paula says that Katie should enjoy married life a while, and Paula should know, what with all the times she's been divorced. Katie just got married, and we get to meet the Hubster. Katie has been sipping from Paula's Coke cup and they both go through a hyper-manic exchange that makes a meth binge look like an overdose on sleeping pills. I don't really know what all was said, since it was being said at roughly ten times the speed of sound, only less lucidly, but in the end Paula says yes to Hollywood, and we'll be cuted out in the future by this one.

After the break, Jack Osbourne has been eating some doughnuts!...

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Tatiana McConnico has no aspirations other than singing. Certainly no aspiration for fashion, as her ensemble looks like it was designed by Betty Crocker. She sings rather well, though, even though it's overly affected and stylized. She's just a bit generic, and the high notes on this one are quite troublesome. The judges think she's great, though, and we'll see how she improves over the course of the auditions.

Diana Walker is from ATL. She said she was a cheerleader in high school. Yeah, back when she was 300 pounds lighter and could see which shoes she was wearing. Still, there's the Mandisa possibility, so let's reserve judgment for the audition. Well, she doesn't have a BAD voice. She's actually got some talent, and I like her, even though physically she reminds of me of Unicron from Transformers the Movie. Not really loving all the stage presence, though. Simon isn't really down, and Randy isn't either. Bye now!

After the break...wow...

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House is an awesome show. Just wanted to put that out there for the universe.

Bernard Williams has an infectious smile, and he wants to continue the B'ham tradition. He's singing Michael Jackson's "Rock With You." And Birmingham is sounding rather good this year! I loved it. He sort of reminds me of what Michael Jackson would sound like if K-Ci and JoJo sung his songs. He's fabulous. I'm down. Big time yes from Simon,. Paula thought he was completely off key. What???? WHAT????? Paula... sobriety check please? What are you hearing??? She's in a rather bad mood tonight. Randy likes him, and he goes to Hollyweird. Bernard tries to celebrate a bit, and Paula scolds him like your ex-girlfriend's mother when she caught you trying to sneak your girlfriend back in the house at 1 AM. "Humble pie!" she screeches. Sheesh, Pauler, someone take a crap in your Midol bottle today?

And now it's time for the creature that ate Tweety Bird. Margaret Fowler (get it? "fowl"er??) is an attention-seeking actress who is 95 if she's an hour. Oh my goodness...I had the misfortune of looking at the screen when she was flashing that yellow sports bra. I may never be able to function again. I don't even really see the need to critique the performance, since she's obviously nothing serious, and obviously not within the age range, and obviously the suck. She admits to being 50. And drunk. And we all admit to being complete sheep for watching and talking about these auditions.

After the break, homina homina homina...

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There are a bunch of blonde chicks making it to Hollywood from the 205.

Jamie Lee Ward is the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen. But she's 16?? Really?? I'd have guessed 27 if she was a day. Her accent is so Southern that banjos just randomly start playing behind her. I keep expecting her to ask me to squeal like a pig. Her dad apparently shot himself in the throat, which is just bizarre. Somewhere in space and time, Kellie Pickler's ears are burning. After a long description of Jamie's horrid life, we find out she is going to sing "Reflection." I love her voice to an extent. It runs nasal on the high notes. Something tells me that we're going to be hearing her backstory pounded into the ground. Either that or we'll find out she made it all up. (Who shoots themselves in the jugular?) She does have the nasal tendency, but I see this as a country starlet in the making. The judges are all in one accord, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse pull up outside, and Jamie goes to Hollywood.

Chris Sligh doesn't lack for a sense of humor. I kind of like him. Anybody who looks that goofy and can laugh about it is okay in my book. I know he's gonna be good. He claims to be there because he'd like to make David Hasselhoff cry, though any episode of Knight Rider should be more than enough to do that. He sings Seal's "Kiss From a Rose," and does a passable job. It wasn't incredible, but it was by no means horrific. He sort of reminds me of Constantine; he can go flat and sharp, but you still sort of get it. Paula jumps up, and apparently she finally got off the rag. He gets a unanimous pass. I feel like I'm going to like this guy. I also feel like he's going to be the one who shows up on the Smoking Gun.

After the break, Paula is too hung over to participate in judging...

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Paula had to go back to Hollywood for a "family obligation." (Read: "rehab.")

Victoria Watson has a ton of hair. It's actually rather pretty, if not cumbersome. Hey, Crystal Gayle made it work! Something tells me that this girl is deeply religious. She's super sweet. Simon and Randy just have to meet the mom. She's going to sing Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up." She sings it well, but it's more something you'd hear in choir practice than what you'd hear in concert. She's very conservative, and I'm concerned that she wouldn't have the mass appeal that an American Idol should have. That being said, I really really like this girl, and I hate that she didn't make it. She doesn't have the chops, but she's sweet and has a nice voice. I'd like to see her use it to teach music to others.

Lakia Hill thinks she has the whole package, except she failed to mention that it's a package full of horse crap. She's going to sing a Deborah Cox song. As she performs, I am forced to think that she honestly believes her own hype. I need to hire Lakia as an alarm clock. No way I'd stay in bed in the morning if she were wailing the time of day.

Birmingham is full of good losers. Yup, that's what we Southerners do. We act graceful in the face of adversity. However, my guess is that a lot of B'ham peeps pretty much just showed up to be a part of the show that has become a huge part of the local pop culture, and having done so, they were thankful just to be part of a show that has highlighted great things from their community.

After the break, it's time for this year's Rhonetta...

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We're back in the 205 with Team Nicole. Her whole group wore matching shirts, which in terms of actual cool points scores even lower than giving someone a fruitcake. Nicole's mom didn't think she had talent. Okay, mom...even if you think it, don't say it. Right? Nicole believes in herself. She's from Oklahoma, but Nichole Gatzman isn't quite a Carrie. She has a great voice, but the judges don't think she's ready. I'd liked to have heard more. Such a shame. I think we could find a niche for the girl, but she's going to have to do it another way.

I don't miss Paula much, y'know? Simon and Randy seem to be having a much better time.

It's almost over, but how could the day be complete with Brandy Patterson and her "excrordinary" voice? Excrordinary...excrement...same thing. She wants to sing Madonna's "Like a Virgin." You knew it would be just awful. Let's just skip to the part where she dogs on Simon and Randy and curses out the camera. I don't believe her. Nope. Sorry. Not feeling the legitimacy here. Brandy, you got on TV; hope you're proud of yourself. Good luck having anybody ever take you seriously ever again. She mugs for the cameras a little more, rambling along just as fast as her little brain will string together random nouns and verbs. The judges, at least, are sufficiently entertained. They have an exchange outside the room, and Simon is in a rare good mood. See what happens when Paula takes the day off? Counselor Ryan dismisses the plaintiff, and the night is over.

The show closes with Brandy dishonoring her family name for eons to come. Wanna bet she shows up at the finale? Tomorrow night, we're in L.A. Be there or be...wherever else you might be.