American Idol San Antonio

After a week's hiatus, I'm back, ready to crack wise, make some people mad, and generally do what I do.

I still don't know if I'll recap the L.A. episode yet. I didn't do it last week, because I just wasn't feeling it. However, I may get around to it soon, simply because I know for a fact that Brandon Rogers is going to go far in this competition.

So...Texas... home to Kelly Clarkson and a lot of big things. Big nothings. Wide open spaces. Oh, and trees? Let's just say guy dogs learn to squat. However, Texas has brought us some great things, like the aforementioned Miss Clarkson, and some other things that escape my memory at this particular point in time, but which I'm sure have something to do with dirt and tumbleweeds. If you say the Dallas Cowboys, I'll hit you in the mouth.

Still waiting on the show to start... Didn't you think the Super Bowl ads this year kinda sucked? I sure did. Loved watching Peyton get his ring though.

Oh yeah, the Alamo happened there. And Ryan gets to draw false parallels between that great loss and the great losers we're sure to see in mere moments.

If you have to spend the night, just stay up. Seriously. Don't be laying there snoozing all scraggly-looking in front of the camera. Stay up and prank the heck out of everyone around you. Just once, I want to see an auditioner in full make-up, sitting around at full attention, staring at all the losers.

Once again, there were lots of auditioners, 99 percent of whom never made it through the first round. I like Simon's aviators. He sort of looks like Tom Cruise with progeria. He's jet-lagged, so he's going to be cranky. Y'know, I bet if Simon got a full night of sleep, he'd be as cheerful and peppy as Richard Simmons in a gay bar. Okay, maybe Rosie O'Donnell after a pint of Guinness and a conversation with Kelly Ripa.

Bryan Kyrish wants us to feel his fire, in terms of sheer ugliness. I wish his camouflage would cover his face. He already screams "plant/fake audition," but let's watch anyway. He's going to sing Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell," because essentially he just did this audition to get onto the TV, and that was the best song he could think of to make a jackass out of himself. You had to know that he would. Bye bye. Ryan gives him a second shot outside, and Bryan rips off a line from Ozzy and Lita's "Close My Eyes Forever." I'd like to close his eyes, with a few punches...

Haley Scarnato is a wedding singer who looks good, but yet for some reason I just don't like her as much as I should, at least not right off. I don't know if it's the sleazy backless onesie that she's wearing, or the fact that she pulls the Kelly Clarkson approaching the judges trick. However, when she starts singing, I'm in the moment, and she's singing that Bonnie Raitt song that always makes me stop in the middle of the store when Wal-Mart is playing it over the loudspeaker. Wow, what a beautiful voice! I like the tone. It's a sort of alto that is kinda creamy and lovely. Simon's looking for star quality, doesn't find it, but he says yes anyway. Paula's down with it. Randy folds to peer pressure. It's off to Hollywood, but more importantly, off to the Gap to buy a new wardrobe.

After the break, Simon can kiss my...

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Back in the holding room, people are destroying their voices and possibly their careers.

Jasmine Holland is just very obviously about to suck. She acts shy and all, and she has very much to be shy about. However, there's a voice in there that needs coaching. She's not a star, but she's not a total loss either. Confidence plus lessons, and come back in five years. The judges are laughing at her. Simon looks like he could curl up on the tabletop and go to sleep. Jasmine loses her shyness and starts digging in on the judges, which is always a great way to get them to change their mind. Y'know, never mind about coming back in five years. She probably won't be able to get the time off from the Wal-Mart stockroom anyway. God forbid that the judges should be negative. Sure, let's blow pink smoke up everyone's butts and tell everybody they can sing. Unfortunately, much like the Highlander, there can only be one American Idol. Suck it up.

Baylie Brown is 16, and WHAT is up with all the 16 year olds looking like 27 year old exotic dancers?? She gets the big Carrie Underwood treatment, and folks we have another archetype. The producers play up the whole "I'm country, yet fashionable" story, and ladies and gentlemen, we have just been sold a product. She's not country, but she's gonna sing Faith Hill. Somebody tell the people outside the room to pipe down, would ya? She's good. A bit generic, but not the winner. When you see her wrinkle up her nose, that's because she's singing through it. Pickler, where are you when I need you? Keep reminding me not to get too hateful. Simon thinks Baylie is born to be a pop star and that she's extremely commercial. I agree, and she could've sold that without the bumpkin story, but that's not entirely her fault. Unanimous yes, and the Carrie/Kellie haters have their new target for the year.

After the break, two comic book geeks, and just because the "wrong door" gag wasn't funny after the first billion times, we get to see it again...

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Another look at the doors to the judging room. You know, the doors that are set up so that one does open and one doesn't? Therefore providing no end of hilarity to those of us who watch the show completely baked? And more people can't figure it out. Hmmm, different doors, different cities? Creative editing again? Somebody please encourage the folks at 19 not to do these cheesy production packages again. Yes, yes, wrong door. Several presidential administrations pass, and yet this joke isn't any funnier. I just celebrated my 90th birthday, and it's still not amusing. For crying out loud, just unlock the other door too!

Fat Albert and Rudy are outside waiting for their chance. They're cousins and they live together. I'm just guessing, but there's probably a filthy bathroom in between those two somewhere. I bet the towels stay bent when you take them off the rack. That being said, these two are slightly fun. William Green blasphemes the song "Amazing Grace," and I can only guess that the only thing holding him back from eternal damnation at this very moment is the fact that his jaw wouldn't fit through the trap doors of Hell. This dude has majorly little ears. I'm tempted to try to sharpen a pencil in them. Did you guys notice that Paula is dressed up as a bag of Wonder Bread? It's a big no for the Incredible Hulk. Time for Bruce Banner. Oh, and that bit about him yelling at the judges was actually kind of funny. Hopefully he'll get cast in an Ice Cube comedy.

Cousin Akron Watson walks in looking like he's about to get shot in the nuts with a squirrel gun. Oh my! Give this one a golden ticket. Sam Cooke's "Change Gon' Come" has rarely sounded so good. I am just a bit shocked by this performance. I thoroughly expected it to blow harder than Hurricane Hugo with a belly full of El Nino, but it didn't. Simon's bored. Aww come on, dude! I think he's definitely through. And yes he is! I like this guy. Can't wait to see how he grows throughout the competition. Good move using your cousin like sorbet to clear the palette!

After the break, some weird looking guy who looks disturbingly familiar will swear...

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LaRisa Curry and Deborah Tyler both need to find jobs and stylists. Just not jobs AS stylists.

Sandie Chavez gets the Seacrest interview, which in lieu of a major production package generally indicates that she's going to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. I've no clue what reason she has for holding her hand to her ear, as though she were going to tell us it's "sock it to me time" or something. I'd prefer that she stick the hand in her mouth. Speaking of gag reflexes, she starts crying at the first hint of criticism, because she's got all the emotional stability of a crack dealer in a room full of police officers. Other door, whiny. Time for more tears, and judging by the dress, more dark street corners.

Ashlyn Carr was beaten up in high school for having a good voice. Yeah, that's my story, and I'm sticking it to it also. She sort of looks like Christina Christian. She's very pretty, and the Nina Simone song she's singing works perfectly. I want her to keep singing. I need this girl in the top 10 so that I can feel justified in buying a ticket to the Idol Tour '07. Simon didn't like her facial expressions. Randy doesn't like her either for some reason. I guess I wasn't really watching her face. I was listening to her voice, and I kinda liked it. Randy says no. Paula wants to say yes really badly, but she doesn't think that she can say yes. Simon would've said yes. I think this is fairly well a travesty. Then again, I guess I'll have to look at the face on the next go round. I sort of feel like I've just watched something awful, and now I feel empty. Wait, wait... back to the room???

Oh please, oh please, oh please???

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Okay, now let's see if Ashlyn can do it. Something says "yes" to me. If they don't say yes, then shame on these guys. If they hurt this girl, I swear, I will not watch this show ever again until the next time it comes on. They say they've never done this before, however, they have done this. Just with loser auditions. I'm not enjoying this performance as much, but I still think it's nice. There's no emotion on this one, because she's holding back. Simon thinks she has bad habits, but he likes her for some reason. This time, it's a unanimous vote to Hollywood. Pardon me, I'm gonna go start a fan site.

Jake "the Snake" Tutor is going to suck all the life out of us. You know he will. We've already seen him cursing out the judges on every teaser tonight, including some of the ones for 24 and House. Y'know, I've disagreed about others being mentally retarded, but this guy just really LOOKS it in the face. I mean, not PROFOUNDLY retarded, but just a bit special. I haven't heard some of those bleeps before. I feel dirty after watching this. Still, everybody loves Seacrest. Except Dunkleman. Shame, that one.

After the break, some flavor?

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It's almost over... I knew beforehand that Jimmy McNeal is making it through. I'm happy about it too. I like the way this guy sings, and he's fun to watch. He's got a more pleasant tone than Ruben. I want his CD right now. I love him. Nuff said. Someone needs to sign his little sister. Love that attitude!

Tomorrow, we get an extra show, just because we were extra bad boys this year, and also because doing this allows them to stretch out the show for one more week of advertising dollars. I'm happy though, because I get to see Gina Glocksen and Matthew Buckstein again!