American Idol - The Best of the Rest

Tonight's episode is called "The Best of the Rest," probably because it didn't test well calling it "A Truck Full of Suck" or "A Feast of the Least." A sneak peek at Shrek the Third might not be enough to make me stick around. Seeing Gina Glocksen get another shot will do just fine, though.

So, before we get started, let me just get this out of the way. ENOUGH with the audition shows. I'm wondering if by season ten, there might just be these wretched audition episodes all the way into April. I think you could've combined the San Antonio and Los Angeles shows into one, much like was done last year, however I suppose that would give Fox a week less of revenue. Ah, the price that is advertising...

Anyway, here we go.

Just because Idol doesn't have enough schtick, tonight will be broken down into auditioning "lessons." Lesson number 1 is "The Look." Take notes, kiddos, there'll be a test at the end. You apparently have to have a unique outfit to succeed, in the sense of making a complete bonehead of yourself on national television.

Christa Fazzino is so fashionable that none of the known universe has caught on to her style yet. Who designed her outfit, the Three Stooges? I wouldn't wear her outfit to scoop up dog crap, much less go in public. It's not even good enough to use to wax your car. She's horrible. I just want to take the fabric crown around her head and cover my ears with it. Naturally she gets a no, and oh boy is she going to cry. A lot. Doesn't she sort of remind you of that horrid girl in elementary school that had a life-threatening stalkerish crush on you, but you'd never give her the time of day because acknowledging her presence would cost you the entirety of your group of friends? And much like that little girl, we'll tear up her "check yes or no" note, pretend like she's invisible, and be ashamed twenty years later when she wins the Miss America crown.

Meanwhile, back in my hometown of Memphis, Tami Gosnell is just all smiles. She's not in any way attractive, but she has a nice voice. "Whipping Post" sounded better when Bo did it, but I'm okay with her. She seems very real to me, and I can see myself playing softball with her. 100 percent yes. I really like this chick. I just hope she can make it in a world of 16 year old Barbie dolls.

After the break, more auditions they really shouldn't have fit in...

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Lesson 2 in tonight's clinic is "Seek Inspiration." And not in the form of William Hung. Or really anybody. Isn't the impetus always supposed to be to "make it your own?" Isn't that the Daughtry way??? What have we learned here tonight, really, people?

Speaking of William Hung, Asian activist Paul Kim doesn't think that Asians ever get a chance in the entertainment industry. Meanwhile, Margaret Cho, Ming-Na, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Connie Chung, Kelly Hu, and the girl who plays Rory's friend on Gilmore Girls all phone their agents angrily, demanding to know what this guy is talking about. Paul sings "If I Ever Fall In Love," as made popular by Shai. (That's back in the early 90's for you people who might be the same age as Paul.) He manages to breathe audibly more than he actually sings. It's not a bad performance, but he never really powered into the notes. I hate it when it's too breathy, because I sort of feel like I'm being auditorially molested. I don't know if auditorially is a word, but that's how it is, baby. Yeah!

Bo Bice's a capella performance was such a great memory from this show. Why'd they have to go adulterate it with Jack Odanovich. On the plus side, this kid can get over 500 channels plus the HBO package with those ears of his. Apparently the Sirius radio package wasn't included, though, because nothing resembling music is emanating from his cavernous pie hole. It was wretched. And bye.

Lesson 3 is "Never Give Up," which I don't happen to agree with, unless your name is Matt Buckstein or Gina Glocksen. Those two should never give up. Everybody else should definitely give up.

The judges can't remember Francis. I wish I couldn't.

Okay, now it's time for my girl. Gina Glocksen is the only reason I watched the auditions this year. I thought she was rather good last year, and I was genuinely disappointed to see her go during the latter rounds of Hollywood. She actually got cut just before the eligibility line, so good on her for coming back this year. I've got her back this time around. You go, Gina! She's still in love with Simon. I actually have those fake tattoo sleeves like she has. When she sings, she sort of reminds me of Nikki McKibbin. I actually, think she has a bit more ability than Nikki (sorry Nik!) and that's saying quite a bit. Nikki's been doing some rather good rock singles lately. I'd love to hear Gina in that format. She's actually really pretty usually, though I don't really like the way she's dressed this go 'round. I really wish I'd made the Memphis auditions now, just to meet this girl. She's going through to Hollywood, and I'll vote for her till my fingers fall off.

After the break, more lessons...

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Oh, I *so* did not need to see Mary Catherine Gallagher flash us her "I heart Simon" panties. Excuse me...I've got to go have diarrhea after seeing that.

Everybody likes Paula Abdul, but nobody likes Paula like Edward Sanchez. I mean, this guy has the "Coldhearted" video on continuous loop in his apartment. Time for Paula to be givin' him some lovin'. I have to admit, I'd go for it. Or I would've before Priscilla. He and Paula have about the same level of vocal talent, which is not much. Paula is all smiles, because she's high, dressed like Wonder Bread, and tends to fall in love with scruffy animals like MC Skat Kat and Emilio Estevez. Big no from the rest of the judges.

Now it's time for a montage of what some of these looneys do for a living. Big surprise, one of these contestants was a...wait for it...radio DJ! PLANT!

The next group of auditioners used to work on Saturday morning TV. Unfortunately, bad times fell upon Jem and the Holograms and they were forced to go to work at a car hop, because their moms from Josie and the Pussycats had smoked away all their trust fund. They are the object lesson for the next segment, which is NEVER AUDITION WITH A GROUP. They're all fairly hot, except they apparently got their makeup done by drag queens.

Heather Rennie isn't bad. She's a bit shorter than the other two. She's incredibly flat (on the notes, you pervs.)

Ashley Cleland has a markedly better voice, even though she isn't perfect.

Ebony Jointer is the star of the bunch, though. Silky smooth, baby. Silky. Mmm hmmm! Heck yeah, baby.

Barbie and the Rockers line up for judgment. Heather is gone. Paula gives advice to Ashley about make-up. "Show more cleavage," are probably her most likely words of wisdom. She does have this Tammy Faye Bakker look about her. If she ran into your chest, and you were wearing a white t-shirt, you'd probably walk away with a perfect likeness of Ashley on your torso. Ashley slides through, barely. Ebony goes on to the next round, and only one of the three goes home.

After the break, uh...

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There's a retrospective of the five Idol debut singles, which are all the worst songs that each winner released, respectively. Since they all suck, Idol is challenging us to do a better job. Sounds great to me. If I submit "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," I will have outdone any of the first five songs.

Brandon Reid probably had the best submission of an original song this year. I dug that. Anybody who beat-boxes well can hang with me.

William Emil Samland is better known as W.E.S. Y'know, if you're gonna have a name that's an acronym, make it something cool, like Norbert Issac Norman James Anderson (NINJA.) Wuss is going to sing his own song. Fortunately, this will remain his song for the rest of eternity, because no artist in their right mind would record this. Most unmedicated schizophrenics wouldn't record this. Or wear that hideous canary yellow shirt, for that matter. Wuss, of course, thinks it was great, but he also thought that his dentist did a great job, despite the fact that his teeth look the rusted out grill of a '55 Studebaker.

It's time for a lot of people to dance. That chick who did the flips was hot. Everybody else was not. Matthew Buckstein doesn't dance, but that's because he's cool, and he ain't goin' all Brokenote Cowboy on us this year. Too bad Bishop Stylze didn't come back this year. I guess he's too busy with his album.

Some spaz from Memphis does some dance that effectively renders him sterile and me nauseous. He does that whole gay Puerto Rican thing that only works if your first name is Ricky and your last name is Martin. And sometimes not even then. Alexander Nazario slaughters an Air Supply song, performing it slightly higher than the original, but not by much. Lovely. The more he talks, the more I want to buy him English lessons. Mr. Dancer is going home, even though Paula thinks he's lovely, which means "don't grab my butt while you're hugging me on the way out the other door." Not that she had anything to worry about. The hot intern by the door looks unaffected as well.

After the break, a repeat of mumbling girl from last night. Because, y'know, we didn't see that LAST NIGHT.

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Lesson 6 is "Clarity." Which means, know not to blow. It's time for a whole montage of people who can't sing, intercut with specially manufactured reaction shots of the judges cringing, laughing, making faces, having dirty fantasies, and mentally calculating the square root of pi mixed in between. Okay, so Paula wasn't doing that last one, but I bet she was text messaging Corey under the table, begging him to come back and cause some more excitement this year.

I'm going to really hate Lakisha Jones, aren't I? There's always someone that has a kid, or is leaving their family behind to try to become the next American Idol. And I never can seem to respect that. She's good, though. She does Aretha proud, and she has great energy. She nearly gave herself a couple of black eyes by jumping up and down. I ain't sayin' the girl's large, but she has been endowed by her creator with certain inalienable rights, if you know what I'm sayin'. The daughter cries a bit, and wouldn't you if you were about to be abandoned while mom went gallivanting around in Hollywood? Ugh...sorry.

After the break... I bet there'll be something...

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And for now, the auditions are over. Time for the real show to start. I really didn't need a retrospective of all the suckburgers we've had to swallow this year. Randy kissing Paula was kind of interesting.

I can't wait to see what Baylie, Sundance, Jory and all the others do. Let's see what happens to Gina Glocksen...