Married!

Priscilla and I tied the knot yesterday!

On Idol Recaps and Wedding Plans

My fiancee is in town this week, and we're pretty busy spending time together and making plans for our upcoming nuptials. Unfortunately, watching the early rounds of the A.I. competition fall sort of below that on the priority list, so I missed last night's show.

So to make up for it, here's the podcast of yesterday's Idol Waves Top 20 Countdown show, hosted by myself and my lovely bride-to-be.

Idol Waves Top 20 Countdown

Check out the countdown at 3 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m. and 8 p.m. Central Standard Time each Tuesday. This week, the lovely Priscilla will be co-hosting the show with me, and we'll bring you our own brand of Idol flavor. Remember, that's at Idol Waves Radio, so click on over, press play, and listen to some good tunes!

American Idol: Top 24 Revealed!!

And now, it's time to reveal the Top 24, most of whom we have probably never seen before, since Idol has chosen in its infinite wisdom to show only bullcrap auditions.

Emily Deschanel is still not hot. Never has been. And that David Boreanaz guy is kinda fat.

Ryan talks about "ultimate cuts" while ironically not referring to his closely cropped hair. Wish I could get mine to do that. Anyway, let's just get right down to business. Assume when you see a contestant crying that they made it through. I've found that Idol does this in their teasers to trick me quite frequently. They show a contestant crying, and it's usually either tears of joy or because one of their BFFs got cut. Or because the battery on their Ipod died, or any number of reasons that these high-strung people use for just cutting loose and bawling.

Here we sit in Pasadena, watching Jordin's hands shake and some random people that we've never met before agonizing over the fact that even if they make it, we're not going to vote for them, because we have no clue who they are or what they're about. We were too busy paying attention to Chicken Lady or Special Needs Boy and not getting to see Actual Talent.

First up is Sanjaya Malakar who could swallow his own foot with that grin of his. He was the one who cried a lot last night because his li'l sis didn't make it, which is sad, but you knew SOMEONE had to get cut. Dude, somebody get both of these siblings a quarter pounder! I'm not saying they're thin, but if Shyamali turned around and stuck out her tongue, she'd look like a zipper. Sanjaya is in the top 24. Warm up your voting fingers. 11 more men to go.

Amazon chick whose name I missed who Simon called a giraffe is going to go back to grazing at the zoo. She can't believe she's cut, and she goes through all the stages of denial at once, right before our eyes. Oh, it's Anna. Too bad this is the last we'll see of her.

Bernard Williams is headed back to B'ham. One less shot at another Southern Idol.

Eric Davis and Tammy Gosnell aren't going through. Too bad. I liked Tammy. And I really hate that she's going to have to go back to driving a PediCab. No clue who Eric is.

Melinda Dolittle blew me away with her initial audition, so I'm hoping she does well. Wow, tell me again why we couldn't have seen this Hollywood Day 4 audition last night? Good thing we get to catch up a bit tonight. Simon thinks she's no longer a back-up singer, and she got the unanimous vote to go through. Simon's happy with her, and so am I. 11 more girls to go.

Brandon Rogers who is CRAZY talented should go through. His Myspace has been disabled. I've heard his entire CD, and I love it. He will be in the Top 24. No big shock there. Love him, love him, love him. I'll vote for him till my fingers turn blue. 10 more men to go.

Gina Glocksen is up next, and I will throw something at the TV if she doesn't go through. I hearted her last year, and I heart her mightily again this year. She wore it out in Hollywood, looked smokin' hot, and sang really well. She stands out in a way that could get her far. Paula fakes her out, gets her all ready to leave, which any Idol contestant worth their salt should know is immediately followed by "you made it." She tells Paula to "shut up" facetiously in a way that most of us would like to tell her in sincerity. 10 more women to go.

Jimmy McNeil and Erick Johnson go home. The guys are really having it rough this year! Good job getting this far, though.

Haley Scarnato and her legs are on deck. I hope that's how you spell her name. I wasn't impressed by her Day 4 audition, but she was good enough to get through. We have this year's Katharine McPhee, I fear. She has talent, but is going to depend heavily on looks. 9 more women to go.

Phil Stacy was part of the amazing group performance last night. Y'know, the one with Blake on the beat box. I'm digging the Day 4 audition, and he has Elliott potential. He's the guy who missed his daughter's birth, which reminds me why I don't like him all that much. He's going through, so I guess it sort of paid off. 9 more men to go. Hopefully no more offspring, though, till he can figure out his priorities. Sorry...I don't think I would want an "Idol" that puts the birth of his child at a lower priority than a talent competition.

I think I'd rather be shot in the eye than watch The Wedding Bells.

Time for Idol to pimp a...wait for it...Fox movie. The guys get to watch The Simpsons Movie and so do we, or at least all the funny parts. Don't you hate that about movie teasers? You get a raucously hilarious trailer, and when you see the movie, it blows like a hurricane. It's also nice how we can have a commercial happening when the commercials are over.

Chris Sligh has a sense of humor all the way, and I totally dig him. His voice ain't no slouch job either. He looks weird, but that works for him. All the other competitors really like him, and so do I. He'll be in the Top 24. 8 more men to go.

Blake Lewis is making it through. I'm down. I'm not totally sold on the hair though. I bet he and Seacrest will share the phone numbers of their stylists.

Thomas Lowe gets about five seconds of screen time before fading permanently into obscurity.

Rudy Cardenas is one of my favorites this year. I've listened to a lot of his acapella performances with his group MPact since hearing him first on Idol. The guy has talent. Rudy is going through. 7 more men to go.

Paul Kim has decided that he will be consistently barefoot and that he will wear the same underwear on each cut day. No word on whether or not they will remain unlaundered. Can you say gross? I much preferred him when he was standing on his soapbox railing against William Hung and the alleged anti-Asian establishment in the music industry. He will be making it through and so will those crusty drawers. 6 more men to go.

Jordin Sparkes is one contestant that I really liked. She's really bright and bubbly. 8 more women to go, because Jordin is going through! She screams, squeals, hyperventilates, and does the crying thing that we saw in the teasers. I hope she can fight through the competition and still keep her composition.

Three girls go home in quick succession with the stink of failure on them. I couldn't catch their names.

Tommy Daniels gets his mack on with Antonella. If I were Antonella's dad, I'd be loading for bear right about now. He looks at her the same way Larry the Cable Guy might look at a rare steak. Lovely, another Idol relationship. Those ALWAYS work out. Especially the teen ones. Did Tommy get through? I wasn't quite sure. I really kind of hope not for Antonella's sake.

A.J. makes it through. Do you even really need to know his last name? He rocks. 5 more men to go.

Stephanie Edwards is good. 7 more women to go. She can't believe it. I can't believe I've never heard of her before, or at least can't remember her.

Leslie Hunt doesn't ring a bell with me either, which is a shame, because I really really like her voice. 6 more women to go. I can't wait to get to know her.

Nick Pedro, who, in case you hadn't heard the first 100 times it was said, bowed out of the competition last year, is going to get his shot this time. 5 more men to go. Nick calls the sis, who then screams loud enough to cause tide changes.

Alaina Alexander is all nerves. She doesn't want to sit in the chair, probably because she doesn't want Simon staring up that mini. She really really sucked on Day 4. Sorry, but that was tremendously wretched. And she didn't own the stage. If she makes it through, it will be because of another earlier audition. She did make it through, but if she doesn't get better, she'll be an early eliminee. 5 more women to go.

Chris Richardson has a decent voice, even though he sings through his nose. We'll see a lot more of him, because we haven't seen ANY of him so far. 4 more guys to go.

Sabrina Sloan has a spectacular voice, and has been around in the music world. I've listened to some of her indie stuff. We'll be seeing her again. 4 more women to go.

Jerome Chism, Joelle James, and Matthew Buckstein are going home. I really really hate this for Matt. I liked him a lot. I wish nothing but the best for him.

Princess Johnson is going home. She asks if the judges are sure, and the fact that she asked that makes ME sure.

Lakisha Jones left her small child at home to come play around auditioning for Idol. Yet another Idol orphan is born. Fantasia would be proud. I don't know whether to hope that she goes home or stays away from the kid. If nothing else, let's hope she gets a better weave. Lakisha will be going through, not going home to her daughter where she needs to be, and not getting one single vote from this blogger. 3 more women to go.

Y'know, I just really need to say this. I don't dislike Lakisha for being a single mother. If that's the choice you want to make with your life, then by all means, go for it. But when you choose to have a child, you have to realize that that choice means there are other things that have to go. Dumping the child off on whoever and running off to Hollywood is just a really sucky thing to do. You bring a child into this world, then your first priority better be raising that child, so that that child doesn't rob me at an ATM when he/she is 15.

Nicole Tranquillo, whoever she is, is in the Top 24. 2 more women to go.

Jared Kotter takes away another spot.

Amy Krebs is hoping to get one of the last 2 slots. There's ten minutes left in the show, so we should be wrapping this up soon. One more slot to fill.

And it's between Marisa Rhodes and Antonella Barbo. It's also between Sundance Head and Tommy. It's Sundance. Just accept it. Tommy's too cocky.

The girls make some small talk about how they love each other and it doesn't matter who wins or loses, as though we're buying it. Marisa looks just a bit sickly. Antonella annoys me a bit, but I think she's the lesser of two evils. Antonella is going through, and Marisa nearly chokes on her jealousy. She's plenty peeved at the judges, you can tell. She collapses in the elevator, which is incredibly opposite to the way she was acting on the way up. Compose yourself, girl! Someone has to go home, and this time it's you. There's the requisite babbling about how everybody thought she was going through. Reality check: everybody didn't include the three judges.

Time to divide and conquer with the last two guys so that Tommy can go pack and Sundance can start warming up for the next round. Tommy goofs off a bit. Sundance did suck a bit in Hollywood, but I'm pretty sure he's got this. And he does. Sundance's blood pressure shoots up and he turns as red as a baboon's butt. Tommy ain't bouncin' so much now. He says a naughty word on the way out. Tommy flips off the camera. Twenty bucks says he cries like a little girl when he gets out.

Time for the girls to dance to Kat McPhee's CD. The guys spaz out to Taylor's CD.

All told, I think a guy wins this year. Time to vote!

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby!

I love you, Priscilla! Can you believe that we're only three months and some change from the big day?

American Idol Hollywood!

Ahhh, the auditions are finally over. And now it's time to cull the cream from the crop. Hollywood awaits! How much drama can we uncover? What's more, will we care? Watch and see as Idol unfolds and I think of more hyperbolic phrases.

Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, and Daughtry are touted as superstars. OUCH for Kellie Pickler! Snubbed!

Well, we've got an Orpheum full of people who are just hoping that they will be one of the few out of the couple hundred amassed that will go on to fame, fortune, and a VH1 Behind the Music drug-addled career. Unfortunately, most of them will be lucky if they get to spend another night in La-La Land.

Today, only the girls are singing, because apparently the guys sucked potatoes this year and didn't get picked. Hi Gina! Hi Jordin! With this many girls, there are bound to be some excellent catfights this year. All I really want to say though is WOOHOO, NO BRITTENUMS!

Jory Steinberg was a lot of fun to watch in New York, and she's got some fans already. She's dressed like Paula, which as schtick goes is only slightly less annoying than jock itch, and she's trying to work an Anastasia song. Simon couldn't be more pleased if he were in the midst of a colonoscopy. He looks like he ate cacti for lunch. Kelly Caruso sounds good. And a quick succession of girls whose names I didn't have time to catch sounded various levels of horrid. Jory is not going through. Ouch... None of them go. Attila the Brit assails their originality and cautions the crowd that they best bring it or they best make sure their boots are made for walkin'.

The next group is going to poop their pants. They said so! And rightly so. Look, it's the audition of a lifetime. You can't phone it in. It has to be your best performance EVERY time. Why, six years into this competition, do people not get this?

And there's a nice congrats to Carrie from the Fox folks. Classy!

And now, it's time for Perla Meneses, who I don't think makes it all the way, but she's still a nice techno artist. She's got a bit of the attitude, and she reminds me a bit of Mikalah Gordon and Brenna Gethers. Maybe I'll end up liking her like the other two, but only after some time. She goes the obvious route and sings Shakira, but it ain't gonna serve her as well this time. It seems contrived, and the one trick pony has completed its repertoire. Rachel Jenkins, the Army brat, looks a little better without the fatigues on, though the whole hubby-blubby segment is kinda nauseating. She's pleasant, but nothing impressive. Rachel is going home. Perla goes through. No big surprise. Simon gets all up in Perla's Kool-Aid, calling her personality over talent. Dre (Perla's performing name) cries a lot. Because, you know, she made it through. Which is reason to cry why? Suck it up, absorb the criticism, come back as a better artist.

Baylie Brown should prove to be a star this year. I don't particularly care for her stylings tonight, but it's not bad by any means. I'd love to be an A&R rep at a country label right about now, because I'd sign her so fast, the ink wouldn't dry before her record hit platinum status. And she's through. They're selling her hard this year, so be prepared. Some other chicks that Idol doesn't want us to care about all go through along with the Golden Child.

Ashlyn Carr is going home, even after getting a second chance the last time. That's almost beyond cruel. Sarah Burgess, the girl who lied to her dad, is going home also, along with that She-Hulk chick whose name I can't remember.

The first day is over, and a lot of girls are crying in their air sickness bags on the way home. Nicole Turner capitulates to her mom and sings "Ain't No Way," and there ain't no way she's going through on that performance. Ashley Somebody and Nicole are going home. The lesson here is this: never listen to your parents. Right? Somebody call Standards and Practices at Fox and check that one out. Lesson two: never let your mom fight your battles for you. Nicole's mom goes onstage to beg for Nicole's future, which is only slightly less nauseating than stomach flu. Nicole goes postal on Simon, and Simon goes postal right back, and then Nicole screams at him to not scream at her. All this backtalk wins her a ticket...back to the house.

56 of 114 women go home. Melinda Dolittle and Gina Glocksen rock it out. Jamie Lynn Ward does too. Time for some Sundance!

Sundance hopes the guy to girl ratio will work in his favor. He's not really talking about the singing competition, is he? I wonder if Sundance is going to pull a Kimberly Caldwell this year? Anyway, Sundance, your talent already puts you head and shoulders over the competition. So much so that I'm ignoring this other guy who's talking now. Oh, Brian Miller is his name, I find out belatedly. He sings rather well, if not slightly blandly. His Pat Boone version of "A Change Is Gonna Come" is alright, but nothing that I'd plunk down money for at Tower Records. Or even at the flea market.

Jarrod Fowler auditioned in his Navy whites, and he's here to bring glory to the Armed Forces. Not with this flat audition, I hope. I fear for his immediate future. Life can be tough in the Persian Gulf.

Matt Sato, the guy with the nuclear zit on his nose, is taking a break from getting swirlies and atomic wedgies to do this audition, and now he's ready to impress us. He's way too boy band for my taste, and I hate that I can hear every stinkin' breath he takes. Still, he's talented. If I have to hear him cry one more time, I'm going to throw a manly cowboy boot at the TV.

Judgment time. Michael Lawson steps forward. Matt also steps up. Chris the Jack Osbourne character does also. They are all through. Jarrod, on the other hand, will go back to swabbing the deck. Matt Sato cries like a newborn baby who just got yanked out of the womb and smacked with a boat paddle. Seacrest, adorned in raincoat and galoshes, wades through the river of tears to comfort him. Matt blubbers into his cell phone, and his mother tells him she loves him for the first time ever in his life.

24 of the guys, including Blake Lewis, Nick Pedro, Phil Stacy, and Sean "Goatboy" Michel. Looks like Sundance made it too.

Oh boy, group night...I can't think of anything I'd like to participate in less, and that includes quadruple root canal.

Matt Sato can't find a group of people that will accept him. Wanna bet that this happens a lot back home? For some reason, I think this guy gets picked on. A lot. Matt Buckstein is cool, though, and despite being stuck with the Brokenote Cowboys last year, he hopes to get something working. Not an auspicious start, though. Chris Sligh and Blake Lewis work their things out, and I just like them because they're cool.

Baylie Brown is teamed up with Antonella and Amanda, the two best friends that Simon predicted would break up during the competition. A fairly apt prediction, judging by the current doings. And they're going to Hulk out on each other, while Baylie sits by, knowing she'll carry them both on her back.

Gina and Perla are in the same group. It's sort of like putting sodium into water. Eruption! Gina accuses Perla of not being able to harmonize. This is true. Perla's used to having the synthesizer cover her shortcomings. I know. I've heard her Myspace. The fact that her Myspace is still up tells me that things didn't go so well for Dre during the Hollywood rounds.

Baylie and the Wonder Twins are working on their stuff, but wouldn't you know it, no lyrics! They keep disappearing into the vacuous air spaces where their brains should be. Amanda leaves and struts her legs in front of the guys. She sleazes it up for the camera. Hope she gets cut!

Gina's group prepare to not get along. They have all the workings of a band that breaks up before the record gets released. The best you can hope for is for Gina to break lose and choke-slam Perla during the chorus.

And now it's morning time. Some groups aren't working out so well. Amanda is so not BFFs with Baylie and Antonella anymore.

Simon emphasizes the importance of remembering the lyrics. Especially when it comes to absurdly simple songs like these. I mean, come on... nerves or no nerves, how do you forget a song you've heard since you were a zygote?

Matt Sato forgets the words. I really kinda hope he goes home, because he seems like a nice enough kid, and he's not ready for this competition. Fortunately he does, and he's still good to go for trying out again in future years. He mopes and actually cries less when he loses than when he succeeds.

Gina's group is trying to gel. Please, please, please, I want Gina in the top 12 this year! Please!!! Perla is not being likable. Which, as understatements go, is comparable to saying that Saddam Hussein was kind of a bad person. Jessica Gordon sounds wretched. Gina sounds super! Me likey! Perla sounds like 20 miles of skinned back mule backside. She doesn't even try to take it seriously. Marisa Rhodes sounds nice. One does not go through, and that person is Perla. BYE. Justice is served.

Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe, and Chris Sligh do a flippin' AWESOME job. I like ALL of them. They're all going on. Duh.

Sundance Head didn't do so well in the first round. Simon didn't like it one bit, and it sort of looks like he wants Sundance to spontaneously combust rather than proceed one more millisecond into this competition. Today, however, Sundance plans to do well. L' Paige Bedford doesn't really work it. No ticket there. Robyn Troup does a passable job. Sundance overpowers his notes, and it's not so much fun for me. Where'd that Sundance that I liked so much from the first audition go???? Big frowny face here. Sundance still goes through, but the girls don't. Simon and Paula argue in front of the children.

Baylie's group is being perfectly dysfunctional downstairs. Baylie's mom is cute-ish. Please, let Amanda go home. I still sort of like Antonella. I always thought she was the better one. Baylie's okay despite forgetting the entirety of the song. Simon looks at Amanda with the loathing usually reserved for child molesters. Fortunately, she screws up the words also. One of the three is going home. And that one is... Baylie???? !!!!! The most talented one of them is going home... I'm not going to vote for Amanda if she gets through. Ever. Amanda says that "God likes good people," indicating that she is, in fact, one of those good people. So far, no lightning bolts, though I'm sure her bus pass to Hell is pretty well booked.

Final cuts! Day 4 sees only 56 standing. We're about to cut 16. I think this is where we split them all up into different rooms. We get random comments from the judges, and I have ALWAYS wanted them to eventually disclose who the heck they're talking about. Maybe not NOW, but like as an online easter egg or something. The decision has been made, and they're all sequestered into three rooms. One room is out, and if people could COUNT, and found themselves in a room of 16 (not 20), they'd know to go ahead and start crying.

The first room has 20 people. That, plus the fact that the first room NEVER gets cut, tells me these people are in good shape. And yay, Gina is in there! Paula leads off saying some sappy stuff, so you know they're through.

The second room has Antonella in it. Can't tell how many people. But they usually save the loser room for last, right? They're all going through. The whole joke about "I'm so sorry, but...you win" is way past done.

Room three goes away.

AMANDA GOT CUT, AMANDA GOT CUT, AMANDA GOT CUT!!! Poor Sanjaya. Even poorer Shyamali. I guess it's back to posing naked behind a guitar on her Myspace page again. Sanjaya's myspace page is still up too, so I'm not so confident for him tomorrow.

Tomorrow, they cut it down to 24, and time for the hot seat!!

Me and the Bride-To-Be

Just in case you were wondering what's been keeping me busy these days...

American Idol - The Best of the Rest

Tonight's episode is called "The Best of the Rest," probably because it didn't test well calling it "A Truck Full of Suck" or "A Feast of the Least." A sneak peek at Shrek the Third might not be enough to make me stick around. Seeing Gina Glocksen get another shot will do just fine, though.

So, before we get started, let me just get this out of the way. ENOUGH with the audition shows. I'm wondering if by season ten, there might just be these wretched audition episodes all the way into April. I think you could've combined the San Antonio and Los Angeles shows into one, much like was done last year, however I suppose that would give Fox a week less of revenue. Ah, the price that is advertising...

Anyway, here we go.

Just because Idol doesn't have enough schtick, tonight will be broken down into auditioning "lessons." Lesson number 1 is "The Look." Take notes, kiddos, there'll be a test at the end. You apparently have to have a unique outfit to succeed, in the sense of making a complete bonehead of yourself on national television.

Christa Fazzino is so fashionable that none of the known universe has caught on to her style yet. Who designed her outfit, the Three Stooges? I wouldn't wear her outfit to scoop up dog crap, much less go in public. It's not even good enough to use to wax your car. She's horrible. I just want to take the fabric crown around her head and cover my ears with it. Naturally she gets a no, and oh boy is she going to cry. A lot. Doesn't she sort of remind you of that horrid girl in elementary school that had a life-threatening stalkerish crush on you, but you'd never give her the time of day because acknowledging her presence would cost you the entirety of your group of friends? And much like that little girl, we'll tear up her "check yes or no" note, pretend like she's invisible, and be ashamed twenty years later when she wins the Miss America crown.

Meanwhile, back in my hometown of Memphis, Tami Gosnell is just all smiles. She's not in any way attractive, but she has a nice voice. "Whipping Post" sounded better when Bo did it, but I'm okay with her. She seems very real to me, and I can see myself playing softball with her. 100 percent yes. I really like this chick. I just hope she can make it in a world of 16 year old Barbie dolls.

After the break, more auditions they really shouldn't have fit in...

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Lesson 2 in tonight's clinic is "Seek Inspiration." And not in the form of William Hung. Or really anybody. Isn't the impetus always supposed to be to "make it your own?" Isn't that the Daughtry way??? What have we learned here tonight, really, people?

Speaking of William Hung, Asian activist Paul Kim doesn't think that Asians ever get a chance in the entertainment industry. Meanwhile, Margaret Cho, Ming-Na, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Connie Chung, Kelly Hu, and the girl who plays Rory's friend on Gilmore Girls all phone their agents angrily, demanding to know what this guy is talking about. Paul sings "If I Ever Fall In Love," as made popular by Shai. (That's back in the early 90's for you people who might be the same age as Paul.) He manages to breathe audibly more than he actually sings. It's not a bad performance, but he never really powered into the notes. I hate it when it's too breathy, because I sort of feel like I'm being auditorially molested. I don't know if auditorially is a word, but that's how it is, baby. Yeah!

Bo Bice's a capella performance was such a great memory from this show. Why'd they have to go adulterate it with Jack Odanovich. On the plus side, this kid can get over 500 channels plus the HBO package with those ears of his. Apparently the Sirius radio package wasn't included, though, because nothing resembling music is emanating from his cavernous pie hole. It was wretched. And bye.

Lesson 3 is "Never Give Up," which I don't happen to agree with, unless your name is Matt Buckstein or Gina Glocksen. Those two should never give up. Everybody else should definitely give up.

The judges can't remember Francis. I wish I couldn't.

Okay, now it's time for my girl. Gina Glocksen is the only reason I watched the auditions this year. I thought she was rather good last year, and I was genuinely disappointed to see her go during the latter rounds of Hollywood. She actually got cut just before the eligibility line, so good on her for coming back this year. I've got her back this time around. You go, Gina! She's still in love with Simon. I actually have those fake tattoo sleeves like she has. When she sings, she sort of reminds me of Nikki McKibbin. I actually, think she has a bit more ability than Nikki (sorry Nik!) and that's saying quite a bit. Nikki's been doing some rather good rock singles lately. I'd love to hear Gina in that format. She's actually really pretty usually, though I don't really like the way she's dressed this go 'round. I really wish I'd made the Memphis auditions now, just to meet this girl. She's going through to Hollywood, and I'll vote for her till my fingers fall off.

After the break, more lessons...

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Oh, I *so* did not need to see Mary Catherine Gallagher flash us her "I heart Simon" panties. Excuse me...I've got to go have diarrhea after seeing that.

Everybody likes Paula Abdul, but nobody likes Paula like Edward Sanchez. I mean, this guy has the "Coldhearted" video on continuous loop in his apartment. Time for Paula to be givin' him some lovin'. I have to admit, I'd go for it. Or I would've before Priscilla. He and Paula have about the same level of vocal talent, which is not much. Paula is all smiles, because she's high, dressed like Wonder Bread, and tends to fall in love with scruffy animals like MC Skat Kat and Emilio Estevez. Big no from the rest of the judges.

Now it's time for a montage of what some of these looneys do for a living. Big surprise, one of these contestants was a...wait for it...radio DJ! PLANT!

The next group of auditioners used to work on Saturday morning TV. Unfortunately, bad times fell upon Jem and the Holograms and they were forced to go to work at a car hop, because their moms from Josie and the Pussycats had smoked away all their trust fund. They are the object lesson for the next segment, which is NEVER AUDITION WITH A GROUP. They're all fairly hot, except they apparently got their makeup done by drag queens.

Heather Rennie isn't bad. She's a bit shorter than the other two. She's incredibly flat (on the notes, you pervs.)

Ashley Cleland has a markedly better voice, even though she isn't perfect.

Ebony Jointer is the star of the bunch, though. Silky smooth, baby. Silky. Mmm hmmm! Heck yeah, baby.

Barbie and the Rockers line up for judgment. Heather is gone. Paula gives advice to Ashley about make-up. "Show more cleavage," are probably her most likely words of wisdom. She does have this Tammy Faye Bakker look about her. If she ran into your chest, and you were wearing a white t-shirt, you'd probably walk away with a perfect likeness of Ashley on your torso. Ashley slides through, barely. Ebony goes on to the next round, and only one of the three goes home.

After the break, uh...

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There's a retrospective of the five Idol debut singles, which are all the worst songs that each winner released, respectively. Since they all suck, Idol is challenging us to do a better job. Sounds great to me. If I submit "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," I will have outdone any of the first five songs.

Brandon Reid probably had the best submission of an original song this year. I dug that. Anybody who beat-boxes well can hang with me.

William Emil Samland is better known as W.E.S. Y'know, if you're gonna have a name that's an acronym, make it something cool, like Norbert Issac Norman James Anderson (NINJA.) Wuss is going to sing his own song. Fortunately, this will remain his song for the rest of eternity, because no artist in their right mind would record this. Most unmedicated schizophrenics wouldn't record this. Or wear that hideous canary yellow shirt, for that matter. Wuss, of course, thinks it was great, but he also thought that his dentist did a great job, despite the fact that his teeth look the rusted out grill of a '55 Studebaker.

It's time for a lot of people to dance. That chick who did the flips was hot. Everybody else was not. Matthew Buckstein doesn't dance, but that's because he's cool, and he ain't goin' all Brokenote Cowboy on us this year. Too bad Bishop Stylze didn't come back this year. I guess he's too busy with his album.

Some spaz from Memphis does some dance that effectively renders him sterile and me nauseous. He does that whole gay Puerto Rican thing that only works if your first name is Ricky and your last name is Martin. And sometimes not even then. Alexander Nazario slaughters an Air Supply song, performing it slightly higher than the original, but not by much. Lovely. The more he talks, the more I want to buy him English lessons. Mr. Dancer is going home, even though Paula thinks he's lovely, which means "don't grab my butt while you're hugging me on the way out the other door." Not that she had anything to worry about. The hot intern by the door looks unaffected as well.

After the break, a repeat of mumbling girl from last night. Because, y'know, we didn't see that LAST NIGHT.

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Lesson 6 is "Clarity." Which means, know not to blow. It's time for a whole montage of people who can't sing, intercut with specially manufactured reaction shots of the judges cringing, laughing, making faces, having dirty fantasies, and mentally calculating the square root of pi mixed in between. Okay, so Paula wasn't doing that last one, but I bet she was text messaging Corey under the table, begging him to come back and cause some more excitement this year.

I'm going to really hate Lakisha Jones, aren't I? There's always someone that has a kid, or is leaving their family behind to try to become the next American Idol. And I never can seem to respect that. She's good, though. She does Aretha proud, and she has great energy. She nearly gave herself a couple of black eyes by jumping up and down. I ain't sayin' the girl's large, but she has been endowed by her creator with certain inalienable rights, if you know what I'm sayin'. The daughter cries a bit, and wouldn't you if you were about to be abandoned while mom went gallivanting around in Hollywood? Ugh...sorry.

After the break... I bet there'll be something...

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And for now, the auditions are over. Time for the real show to start. I really didn't need a retrospective of all the suckburgers we've had to swallow this year. Randy kissing Paula was kind of interesting.

I can't wait to see what Baylie, Sundance, Jory and all the others do. Let's see what happens to Gina Glocksen...

American Idol San Antonio

After a week's hiatus, I'm back, ready to crack wise, make some people mad, and generally do what I do.

I still don't know if I'll recap the L.A. episode yet. I didn't do it last week, because I just wasn't feeling it. However, I may get around to it soon, simply because I know for a fact that Brandon Rogers is going to go far in this competition.

So...Texas... home to Kelly Clarkson and a lot of big things. Big nothings. Wide open spaces. Oh, and trees? Let's just say guy dogs learn to squat. However, Texas has brought us some great things, like the aforementioned Miss Clarkson, and some other things that escape my memory at this particular point in time, but which I'm sure have something to do with dirt and tumbleweeds. If you say the Dallas Cowboys, I'll hit you in the mouth.

Still waiting on the show to start... Didn't you think the Super Bowl ads this year kinda sucked? I sure did. Loved watching Peyton get his ring though.

Oh yeah, the Alamo happened there. And Ryan gets to draw false parallels between that great loss and the great losers we're sure to see in mere moments.

If you have to spend the night, just stay up. Seriously. Don't be laying there snoozing all scraggly-looking in front of the camera. Stay up and prank the heck out of everyone around you. Just once, I want to see an auditioner in full make-up, sitting around at full attention, staring at all the losers.

Once again, there were lots of auditioners, 99 percent of whom never made it through the first round. I like Simon's aviators. He sort of looks like Tom Cruise with progeria. He's jet-lagged, so he's going to be cranky. Y'know, I bet if Simon got a full night of sleep, he'd be as cheerful and peppy as Richard Simmons in a gay bar. Okay, maybe Rosie O'Donnell after a pint of Guinness and a conversation with Kelly Ripa.

Bryan Kyrish wants us to feel his fire, in terms of sheer ugliness. I wish his camouflage would cover his face. He already screams "plant/fake audition," but let's watch anyway. He's going to sing Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell," because essentially he just did this audition to get onto the TV, and that was the best song he could think of to make a jackass out of himself. You had to know that he would. Bye bye. Ryan gives him a second shot outside, and Bryan rips off a line from Ozzy and Lita's "Close My Eyes Forever." I'd like to close his eyes, with a few punches...

Haley Scarnato is a wedding singer who looks good, but yet for some reason I just don't like her as much as I should, at least not right off. I don't know if it's the sleazy backless onesie that she's wearing, or the fact that she pulls the Kelly Clarkson approaching the judges trick. However, when she starts singing, I'm in the moment, and she's singing that Bonnie Raitt song that always makes me stop in the middle of the store when Wal-Mart is playing it over the loudspeaker. Wow, what a beautiful voice! I like the tone. It's a sort of alto that is kinda creamy and lovely. Simon's looking for star quality, doesn't find it, but he says yes anyway. Paula's down with it. Randy folds to peer pressure. It's off to Hollywood, but more importantly, off to the Gap to buy a new wardrobe.

After the break, Simon can kiss my...

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Back in the holding room, people are destroying their voices and possibly their careers.

Jasmine Holland is just very obviously about to suck. She acts shy and all, and she has very much to be shy about. However, there's a voice in there that needs coaching. She's not a star, but she's not a total loss either. Confidence plus lessons, and come back in five years. The judges are laughing at her. Simon looks like he could curl up on the tabletop and go to sleep. Jasmine loses her shyness and starts digging in on the judges, which is always a great way to get them to change their mind. Y'know, never mind about coming back in five years. She probably won't be able to get the time off from the Wal-Mart stockroom anyway. God forbid that the judges should be negative. Sure, let's blow pink smoke up everyone's butts and tell everybody they can sing. Unfortunately, much like the Highlander, there can only be one American Idol. Suck it up.

Baylie Brown is 16, and WHAT is up with all the 16 year olds looking like 27 year old exotic dancers?? She gets the big Carrie Underwood treatment, and folks we have another archetype. The producers play up the whole "I'm country, yet fashionable" story, and ladies and gentlemen, we have just been sold a product. She's not country, but she's gonna sing Faith Hill. Somebody tell the people outside the room to pipe down, would ya? She's good. A bit generic, but not the winner. When you see her wrinkle up her nose, that's because she's singing through it. Pickler, where are you when I need you? Keep reminding me not to get too hateful. Simon thinks Baylie is born to be a pop star and that she's extremely commercial. I agree, and she could've sold that without the bumpkin story, but that's not entirely her fault. Unanimous yes, and the Carrie/Kellie haters have their new target for the year.

After the break, two comic book geeks, and just because the "wrong door" gag wasn't funny after the first billion times, we get to see it again...

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Another look at the doors to the judging room. You know, the doors that are set up so that one does open and one doesn't? Therefore providing no end of hilarity to those of us who watch the show completely baked? And more people can't figure it out. Hmmm, different doors, different cities? Creative editing again? Somebody please encourage the folks at 19 not to do these cheesy production packages again. Yes, yes, wrong door. Several presidential administrations pass, and yet this joke isn't any funnier. I just celebrated my 90th birthday, and it's still not amusing. For crying out loud, just unlock the other door too!

Fat Albert and Rudy are outside waiting for their chance. They're cousins and they live together. I'm just guessing, but there's probably a filthy bathroom in between those two somewhere. I bet the towels stay bent when you take them off the rack. That being said, these two are slightly fun. William Green blasphemes the song "Amazing Grace," and I can only guess that the only thing holding him back from eternal damnation at this very moment is the fact that his jaw wouldn't fit through the trap doors of Hell. This dude has majorly little ears. I'm tempted to try to sharpen a pencil in them. Did you guys notice that Paula is dressed up as a bag of Wonder Bread? It's a big no for the Incredible Hulk. Time for Bruce Banner. Oh, and that bit about him yelling at the judges was actually kind of funny. Hopefully he'll get cast in an Ice Cube comedy.

Cousin Akron Watson walks in looking like he's about to get shot in the nuts with a squirrel gun. Oh my! Give this one a golden ticket. Sam Cooke's "Change Gon' Come" has rarely sounded so good. I am just a bit shocked by this performance. I thoroughly expected it to blow harder than Hurricane Hugo with a belly full of El Nino, but it didn't. Simon's bored. Aww come on, dude! I think he's definitely through. And yes he is! I like this guy. Can't wait to see how he grows throughout the competition. Good move using your cousin like sorbet to clear the palette!

After the break, some weird looking guy who looks disturbingly familiar will swear...

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LaRisa Curry and Deborah Tyler both need to find jobs and stylists. Just not jobs AS stylists.

Sandie Chavez gets the Seacrest interview, which in lieu of a major production package generally indicates that she's going to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. I've no clue what reason she has for holding her hand to her ear, as though she were going to tell us it's "sock it to me time" or something. I'd prefer that she stick the hand in her mouth. Speaking of gag reflexes, she starts crying at the first hint of criticism, because she's got all the emotional stability of a crack dealer in a room full of police officers. Other door, whiny. Time for more tears, and judging by the dress, more dark street corners.

Ashlyn Carr was beaten up in high school for having a good voice. Yeah, that's my story, and I'm sticking it to it also. She sort of looks like Christina Christian. She's very pretty, and the Nina Simone song she's singing works perfectly. I want her to keep singing. I need this girl in the top 10 so that I can feel justified in buying a ticket to the Idol Tour '07. Simon didn't like her facial expressions. Randy doesn't like her either for some reason. I guess I wasn't really watching her face. I was listening to her voice, and I kinda liked it. Randy says no. Paula wants to say yes really badly, but she doesn't think that she can say yes. Simon would've said yes. I think this is fairly well a travesty. Then again, I guess I'll have to look at the face on the next go round. I sort of feel like I've just watched something awful, and now I feel empty. Wait, wait... back to the room???

Oh please, oh please, oh please???

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Okay, now let's see if Ashlyn can do it. Something says "yes" to me. If they don't say yes, then shame on these guys. If they hurt this girl, I swear, I will not watch this show ever again until the next time it comes on. They say they've never done this before, however, they have done this. Just with loser auditions. I'm not enjoying this performance as much, but I still think it's nice. There's no emotion on this one, because she's holding back. Simon thinks she has bad habits, but he likes her for some reason. This time, it's a unanimous vote to Hollywood. Pardon me, I'm gonna go start a fan site.

Jake "the Snake" Tutor is going to suck all the life out of us. You know he will. We've already seen him cursing out the judges on every teaser tonight, including some of the ones for 24 and House. Y'know, I've disagreed about others being mentally retarded, but this guy just really LOOKS it in the face. I mean, not PROFOUNDLY retarded, but just a bit special. I haven't heard some of those bleeps before. I feel dirty after watching this. Still, everybody loves Seacrest. Except Dunkleman. Shame, that one.

After the break, some flavor?

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It's almost over... I knew beforehand that Jimmy McNeal is making it through. I'm happy about it too. I like the way this guy sings, and he's fun to watch. He's got a more pleasant tone than Ruben. I want his CD right now. I love him. Nuff said. Someone needs to sign his little sister. Love that attitude!

Tomorrow, we get an extra show, just because we were extra bad boys this year, and also because doing this allows them to stretch out the show for one more week of advertising dollars. I'm happy though, because I get to see Gina Glocksen and Matthew Buckstein again!