American Idol: Top 24 Revealed!!

And now, it's time to reveal the Top 24, most of whom we have probably never seen before, since Idol has chosen in its infinite wisdom to show only bullcrap auditions.

Emily Deschanel is still not hot. Never has been. And that David Boreanaz guy is kinda fat.

Ryan talks about "ultimate cuts" while ironically not referring to his closely cropped hair. Wish I could get mine to do that. Anyway, let's just get right down to business. Assume when you see a contestant crying that they made it through. I've found that Idol does this in their teasers to trick me quite frequently. They show a contestant crying, and it's usually either tears of joy or because one of their BFFs got cut. Or because the battery on their Ipod died, or any number of reasons that these high-strung people use for just cutting loose and bawling.

Here we sit in Pasadena, watching Jordin's hands shake and some random people that we've never met before agonizing over the fact that even if they make it, we're not going to vote for them, because we have no clue who they are or what they're about. We were too busy paying attention to Chicken Lady or Special Needs Boy and not getting to see Actual Talent.

First up is Sanjaya Malakar who could swallow his own foot with that grin of his. He was the one who cried a lot last night because his li'l sis didn't make it, which is sad, but you knew SOMEONE had to get cut. Dude, somebody get both of these siblings a quarter pounder! I'm not saying they're thin, but if Shyamali turned around and stuck out her tongue, she'd look like a zipper. Sanjaya is in the top 24. Warm up your voting fingers. 11 more men to go.

Amazon chick whose name I missed who Simon called a giraffe is going to go back to grazing at the zoo. She can't believe she's cut, and she goes through all the stages of denial at once, right before our eyes. Oh, it's Anna. Too bad this is the last we'll see of her.

Bernard Williams is headed back to B'ham. One less shot at another Southern Idol.

Eric Davis and Tammy Gosnell aren't going through. Too bad. I liked Tammy. And I really hate that she's going to have to go back to driving a PediCab. No clue who Eric is.

Melinda Dolittle blew me away with her initial audition, so I'm hoping she does well. Wow, tell me again why we couldn't have seen this Hollywood Day 4 audition last night? Good thing we get to catch up a bit tonight. Simon thinks she's no longer a back-up singer, and she got the unanimous vote to go through. Simon's happy with her, and so am I. 11 more girls to go.

Brandon Rogers who is CRAZY talented should go through. His Myspace has been disabled. I've heard his entire CD, and I love it. He will be in the Top 24. No big shock there. Love him, love him, love him. I'll vote for him till my fingers turn blue. 10 more men to go.

Gina Glocksen is up next, and I will throw something at the TV if she doesn't go through. I hearted her last year, and I heart her mightily again this year. She wore it out in Hollywood, looked smokin' hot, and sang really well. She stands out in a way that could get her far. Paula fakes her out, gets her all ready to leave, which any Idol contestant worth their salt should know is immediately followed by "you made it." She tells Paula to "shut up" facetiously in a way that most of us would like to tell her in sincerity. 10 more women to go.

Jimmy McNeil and Erick Johnson go home. The guys are really having it rough this year! Good job getting this far, though.

Haley Scarnato and her legs are on deck. I hope that's how you spell her name. I wasn't impressed by her Day 4 audition, but she was good enough to get through. We have this year's Katharine McPhee, I fear. She has talent, but is going to depend heavily on looks. 9 more women to go.

Phil Stacy was part of the amazing group performance last night. Y'know, the one with Blake on the beat box. I'm digging the Day 4 audition, and he has Elliott potential. He's the guy who missed his daughter's birth, which reminds me why I don't like him all that much. He's going through, so I guess it sort of paid off. 9 more men to go. Hopefully no more offspring, though, till he can figure out his priorities. Sorry...I don't think I would want an "Idol" that puts the birth of his child at a lower priority than a talent competition.

I think I'd rather be shot in the eye than watch The Wedding Bells.

Time for Idol to pimp a...wait for it...Fox movie. The guys get to watch The Simpsons Movie and so do we, or at least all the funny parts. Don't you hate that about movie teasers? You get a raucously hilarious trailer, and when you see the movie, it blows like a hurricane. It's also nice how we can have a commercial happening when the commercials are over.

Chris Sligh has a sense of humor all the way, and I totally dig him. His voice ain't no slouch job either. He looks weird, but that works for him. All the other competitors really like him, and so do I. He'll be in the Top 24. 8 more men to go.

Blake Lewis is making it through. I'm down. I'm not totally sold on the hair though. I bet he and Seacrest will share the phone numbers of their stylists.

Thomas Lowe gets about five seconds of screen time before fading permanently into obscurity.

Rudy Cardenas is one of my favorites this year. I've listened to a lot of his acapella performances with his group MPact since hearing him first on Idol. The guy has talent. Rudy is going through. 7 more men to go.

Paul Kim has decided that he will be consistently barefoot and that he will wear the same underwear on each cut day. No word on whether or not they will remain unlaundered. Can you say gross? I much preferred him when he was standing on his soapbox railing against William Hung and the alleged anti-Asian establishment in the music industry. He will be making it through and so will those crusty drawers. 6 more men to go.

Jordin Sparkes is one contestant that I really liked. She's really bright and bubbly. 8 more women to go, because Jordin is going through! She screams, squeals, hyperventilates, and does the crying thing that we saw in the teasers. I hope she can fight through the competition and still keep her composition.

Three girls go home in quick succession with the stink of failure on them. I couldn't catch their names.

Tommy Daniels gets his mack on with Antonella. If I were Antonella's dad, I'd be loading for bear right about now. He looks at her the same way Larry the Cable Guy might look at a rare steak. Lovely, another Idol relationship. Those ALWAYS work out. Especially the teen ones. Did Tommy get through? I wasn't quite sure. I really kind of hope not for Antonella's sake.

A.J. makes it through. Do you even really need to know his last name? He rocks. 5 more men to go.

Stephanie Edwards is good. 7 more women to go. She can't believe it. I can't believe I've never heard of her before, or at least can't remember her.

Leslie Hunt doesn't ring a bell with me either, which is a shame, because I really really like her voice. 6 more women to go. I can't wait to get to know her.

Nick Pedro, who, in case you hadn't heard the first 100 times it was said, bowed out of the competition last year, is going to get his shot this time. 5 more men to go. Nick calls the sis, who then screams loud enough to cause tide changes.

Alaina Alexander is all nerves. She doesn't want to sit in the chair, probably because she doesn't want Simon staring up that mini. She really really sucked on Day 4. Sorry, but that was tremendously wretched. And she didn't own the stage. If she makes it through, it will be because of another earlier audition. She did make it through, but if she doesn't get better, she'll be an early eliminee. 5 more women to go.

Chris Richardson has a decent voice, even though he sings through his nose. We'll see a lot more of him, because we haven't seen ANY of him so far. 4 more guys to go.

Sabrina Sloan has a spectacular voice, and has been around in the music world. I've listened to some of her indie stuff. We'll be seeing her again. 4 more women to go.

Jerome Chism, Joelle James, and Matthew Buckstein are going home. I really really hate this for Matt. I liked him a lot. I wish nothing but the best for him.

Princess Johnson is going home. She asks if the judges are sure, and the fact that she asked that makes ME sure.

Lakisha Jones left her small child at home to come play around auditioning for Idol. Yet another Idol orphan is born. Fantasia would be proud. I don't know whether to hope that she goes home or stays away from the kid. If nothing else, let's hope she gets a better weave. Lakisha will be going through, not going home to her daughter where she needs to be, and not getting one single vote from this blogger. 3 more women to go.

Y'know, I just really need to say this. I don't dislike Lakisha for being a single mother. If that's the choice you want to make with your life, then by all means, go for it. But when you choose to have a child, you have to realize that that choice means there are other things that have to go. Dumping the child off on whoever and running off to Hollywood is just a really sucky thing to do. You bring a child into this world, then your first priority better be raising that child, so that that child doesn't rob me at an ATM when he/she is 15.

Nicole Tranquillo, whoever she is, is in the Top 24. 2 more women to go.

Jared Kotter takes away another spot.

Amy Krebs is hoping to get one of the last 2 slots. There's ten minutes left in the show, so we should be wrapping this up soon. One more slot to fill.

And it's between Marisa Rhodes and Antonella Barbo. It's also between Sundance Head and Tommy. It's Sundance. Just accept it. Tommy's too cocky.

The girls make some small talk about how they love each other and it doesn't matter who wins or loses, as though we're buying it. Marisa looks just a bit sickly. Antonella annoys me a bit, but I think she's the lesser of two evils. Antonella is going through, and Marisa nearly chokes on her jealousy. She's plenty peeved at the judges, you can tell. She collapses in the elevator, which is incredibly opposite to the way she was acting on the way up. Compose yourself, girl! Someone has to go home, and this time it's you. There's the requisite babbling about how everybody thought she was going through. Reality check: everybody didn't include the three judges.

Time to divide and conquer with the last two guys so that Tommy can go pack and Sundance can start warming up for the next round. Tommy goofs off a bit. Sundance did suck a bit in Hollywood, but I'm pretty sure he's got this. And he does. Sundance's blood pressure shoots up and he turns as red as a baboon's butt. Tommy ain't bouncin' so much now. He says a naughty word on the way out. Tommy flips off the camera. Twenty bucks says he cries like a little girl when he gets out.

Time for the girls to dance to Kat McPhee's CD. The guys spaz out to Taylor's CD.

All told, I think a guy wins this year. Time to vote!