AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 31: TOP 7 ELIMINATION!!

It's time for another results night, and one more gets to leave us. It should be Kellie with that awful performance she did last night. Unfortunately, I don't see it happening.

Same old blah blah intro by Ryan Seacrest, who's wearing the same suit he wore last night. Wonder if he slept in it? Ryan is again teleported to the front of the audience. Rod Stewart and his family are in the front row, though Rod's IV and colostomy bag take up a couple of extra seats. Seacrest correctly asserts that the Idols finally stepped it up last night, which is sort of like saying that Michael Jackson's skin got lighter, inasmuch as it's the understatement of the year. Randy Jackson gives us the same gang sign, Paula's actually wearing a top tonight, and Simon Cowell picked the baby blue T-shirt.

Now for a recap of the performances last night, six of which were stellar, and one of which belonged in a befouled public restroom. If you want to know more about them, read my previous extensive recap of last night's show. My fingers still hurt. Kellie's wretchedness just sounds doubly wretched upon hearing it again. As for Ace, I fear Simon has damned him with faint praise.

Results, after the break...

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Time for another Ford commercial. This time around the Idols are all featured on various billboards, and they're ripping apart "Kids In America." I just don't care for these commercials, though I have to admit this one is quite a bit slicker than the previous ones. However, if you roll up to the red carpet in a Ford sedan, you just ain't Hollywood, baby.

Rod Stewart is coming out to sit on the couches with the Idols. He pushes his walker across the stage and finally gets there. Who cuts Rod's hair, by the way? Beavers? Rod is going to be doing a 70's classic rock album next, which he originally did, oh, I don't know, in the 70's? Ryan asks Rod for some fashion tips, and Rod recommends the formaldehyde.

Rod is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." Y'know, there are certain voices where you know without looking at your XM display EXACTLY who is singing the song. Rod is one of those. Still, his voice does have a soothing quality when he's singing these dusty old tunes. I grew up with him singing stuff like "Love Touch" and "Crazy About Her," but this is an okay change of pace for me. I don't know if he's the best voice I've ever heard, but I have to admit his sound is appealing, even if he did take dance lessons from Taylor and Ace. I particularly love the soft gentle keyboard solo. Rod's new sixteen year old fiancee is singing along with him in the audience, even though she was probably still in the neo-natal ward when he sung his version of "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You."

Kellie makes sure to be the first to tackle-hug Rod. I know you're all shocked. Get in the front of the camera a little more why don't ya?

After the break, hopefully Kellie will go home...

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Next Tuesday's theme is love songs. And we get yet another NON-POP coach to try to tell the Idols how to be pop stars. Andrea Bocelli will be the celebrity guest next time. So...the greatest love songs of all time... anyone think Kellie might be singing Whitney's "The Greatest Love of All?"

We're looking for the people with the lowest number of votes. Tonight they're being divided into two groups. Idol is nothing if not gimmickry.

The first group is Elliott, Kellie, and Katharine. This is the bottom three. I know it just has to be. If it's not then everybody needs to be flogged.

The second group is Chris, Paris, and Ace. Not the bottom three. Surely not. It can't be.

Taylor is safe, and he is forced to choose the group he thinks is safe. I wonder if he will do like Bo Bice last year and just go stand in the middle.

We'll find out after the break.

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Taylor picks the safe group, which at first appears to be Chris's group, but then turns out to be Elliott, Kellie, and Kat. Oh my goodness, America what have you all been smoking this week???????? Kellie??? You have to be kidding me.

This just proves to me that Kellie is this year's Anointed One. If she wins, then I will know forevermore that American Idol is nothing but a farce.

So the wrong group goes to the seal, and Paris gets to sit down, naturally, because it just couldn't be someone that I can't stand going home this week. This leaves Chris and Ace in the bottom two. It BETTER be Ace. And it is.

Well, I guess Ace has had it coming for a while, and Idol has certainly spared no love for him, but you Kellie voters just might as well go ahead and accept that you are ALL MORONS. All of you. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Say what you will about Ace, but he's miles more talented than that idiot girl from Albemarle.

I'm quite frankly sick of Idol right now with Kellie and her wretched performance not even getting the bottom three. Unbelievable.

Well, alright, there's always next week. See you then, and keep visiting here for more music news, Idol interviews, and commentary!