AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 30: TOP 7 CONTESTANTS PERFORM!!

Hey guys and gals! Well, once again, it's better late than never, but here's the recap in all its glory. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: these recaps are apparently addictive, as there are now currently two long threads on the official boards lamenting that I have not yet posted my weekly dose of Idol thoughts and smart remarks.

Well, it's my fault. I went to go play basketball, figuring I'd record the show, come back immediately after, and bang it out. Unfortunately, I was more psyched about hitting the hardwoods, and I forgot to record the show, so I've had to wait a few hours for a download of the show from somebody else. So it's all my fault, and you can all beat me with sticks later on.

While waiting to get the full file, I read Entertainment Weekly's predictions about who the winner this year will be. Suffice it to say, the magazine's initials spell EW, and that's pretty much what I think about their reporting.

Enough of that. On with the show!

(extremely not live-blogged, but you can keep refreshing anyway if you so desire.)

To begin with, the show's theme tonight is the "American Songbook," though I think whoever compiles the book should probably be decomposing by now, because these songs are OLD. Not a Creed or Beyonce song in the whole lot. I was hoping for maybe a little Pretty Ricky, but alas, today we are going to hear songs written by people who currently fertilize daisies, and our Idols are going to be helped along the journey by their very own walking corpse, Rod Stewart. Do you guys remember when Rod was cool? Y'know, back when he was married to uber-sexpot Rachel Hunter and singing songs like "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" or even "Forever Young?" Well, he's apparently touring through old folks homes now with his new CD compilation.

So anyway, the show starts as usual, with Seacrest cheesing it up, talking something about "songs from the past, but you decide their future." Yawn. I like that at least he's been dressing better lately, though he only half-shaved tonight. One thing I've yet to figure out though: how does he go from standing at the back of the theatre before the CGI credits to walking out on stage after they roll. Do you think he sprints? Since this is Bring Your Grandparents night, former hottie Marilu Henner is in the audience. Seacrest appears to be wearing two lapel mics, so I guess if one fails, we'll still have the other to bring us his bad jokes. Ryan instructs us not to boo if we didn't vote for Bucky Covington, completely disregarding the fact that there were no boos from the audience anyway. Hey, gotta say what the teleprompter says! Randy Jackson in the house, yo. Paula Abdul must've come by on the way from the topless bar. Either that or somebody stole the front of her shirt on the way in! No wonder Simon Cowell has that smirky grin on his face. Somehow, Simon is the underdressed one, according to Ryan-Bot, who hasn't yet noticed that Paula's nearly naked.

Seacrest hasn't been to too many concerts if he's calling Rod Stewart the "Ultimate Performer." We get glimpses of Rod in concert from the days when he actually mattered and sort of rocked. Y'know, before he sold his soul to Simon Fuller. Wow, the old geezer is still procreating! Talk about not slowing down in your old age. The Idols serenade him and Kellie dances as if she were still working the poles down at Nickel Beer Night in Albemarle. Rod talks about his upcoming wedding, and I'm reminded of an old adage: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Apply that to your string of marriages, Rod, if you will. By the way, if I never see Rod dancing with whoever that guy is again, it will be far too soon. Rod sneaks a peek up Katharine's skirt while Kellie seeks out her intellectual equivalent and goes and plays with Rod's baby. Rod hugs everybody except Chris who gives him a bone-breaking handshake.

Speaking of Chris Daughtry, he claims he is going to be surprising us all this week. To be honest, I didn't know that Live did a version of "What a Wonderful World," but I'm sure Chris will find a way to pull it off. Seriously, though, if Chris can't sing this song with a more solid voice than Louis Armstrong, something is wrong with him. Chris gets a guitar player to share the stage with him. He comes out starting nicely. I like the subdued part, and he actually looks kinda snazzy when he dresses up. On the snooze factor level, though, I could totally use this to drop off to sleep in an instant. Not that that's a bad thing, though. I think for the first time we're getting to see what Chris's voice is really like, even though he starts to scream just the tiniest bit on the high notes. Still, I like what he's done with this performance, and I have to say "good job." We get a shot of Chris's wife, and I'm sort of like whatever, but Chris's chick friend? That I can get down with. Randy thinks it was the bomb. Paula and her rack thinks Chris did a fantastic job. Simon gives Chris credit in a roundabout way for breaking out of his rut. It sort of looks like Chris and Ryan are wearing the same suit, just different parts.

After the break, Old Paree...

---

Paris Bennett is dressed to teach ninth grade math, apparently. The illusion is shattered though, once she opens her mouth and reveals that she's been sucking helium backstage yet again. They talk about Easter at the Bennett home, and of course Paris went hunting for Easter eggs, because she's what, five? Ryan makes some sort of psycho-sexual joke about Simon in a bunny outfit, and that's quite enough of that. I just noticed the not-so-subtle Coke ad that Paris is standing in front of. Remember, America, you're not only being advertised to just during the commercials! Rod compares Paris to Billie Holliday. Pimp, pimp, pimp! Paris's mother is in the back of the room crying, because she's just so happy that she's going to get a HUGE trust fund via Paris to blow on shoes soon. Paris has not even started singing yet, and I just want to throw rocks at her. She's so....precocious. And so annoying. By the way, Rod Stewart dug graves for a living when he was Paris's age. Now he just occupies one, except random nights like these when he comes out and sucks the life out of every one of us Idol viewers. Paris starts off sort of shaky. Now she doesn't look like a math teacher, but I'm sort of reminded of an airline flight attendant. Paris doesn't show me to my seat, but I am still looking for the emergency exit! Okay, I'm bored by this song. It's not that she's not singing it semi-well, but it's just not anything I'd expect to hear from a pop star on a show dedicated to creating pop idols. Paris is showing a minimum of energy tonight. Okay, time for the judges to slobber all over themselves trying to see who can give her the biggest compliment. Randy is keeping his pimp hand strong as he slathers Paris with every single accolade that he can bring to mind. Paula and the Puppies fall all over themselves to sing her praises. Simon is bewildered, accuses Paris of talking like Minnie Mouse, but then goes on to heap praise on her. For some reason, Ryan thought it would be a laugh riot if he accused Simon of being drunk for the second week in a row, as if he had just been doing body shots off of Paula right in front of everybody. Ryan then takes his non-funny self back to the podium and gets back to work hugging Paris.

After the break, Taylor...

---

Taylor Hicks gets a Coke ad/pre-performance-pimp-chat. Ryan references the recent parody of Taylor on NBC's Saturday Night Live, which for some reason he is forbidden to mention by name. Taylor was amused by it, and "fell out on the floor," but that's only because he was attempting to perfect his mic stand kick while watching. No contusions or lacerations, but his blood alcohol level got him a DWI (Dancing While Intoxicated.) Taylor says "flattery is a great form of humor," which makes no sense, though I suspect the word "parody" was what he was looking for. Oh well, just hush it already and get up on stage, Tay Tay. Taylor is going to be singing a Sam Cooke song. Rod pokes at Simon Cowell a bit and says something that got bleeped out, but only because Kellie doesn't understand what "balls" are and they don't want to put her at a disadvantage. Taylor's coming out sort of like Chris did. Nice, soft, slow, and with a rich vocal tone. This is very smooth, very nice. I'm actually liking this a LOT. He gets a lot more Taylor-esque at the end of the song, but that's okay. In my mind, this is the best performance I've seen Taylor do. Randy pauses a bit, then spreads butter all over Taylor. Paula and the team from Gonzaga praises Taylor some more. Simon thinks it was magic.

After the break, Elliott and Kellie...

---

Seacrest is standing out in the audience, and he's right in front of Ace's unibrow brother. Seriously, doesn't Ace's long-haired brother look like the clone that didn't turn out just right? Like he might be laying on a lab table somewhere, get up, and go terrorize a town somewhere? Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, it's time for Elliott Yamin, who is once again overwhelmed by being in the presence of another celebrity guest. Elliott should be in his element tonight. Rod likes Elliott, and he talks about how he has a great set of pipes. No joke there; I just happen to agree with that statement. Elliott is working hard to force some personality into this performance. If I could make one small suggestion, though, Elliott, just look into the audience, and don't try to out-stare whichever camera's red light that happens to be lit. Vocally, this is a good performance on a song that I like a lot. The only difficulty I'm having is that I usually hear Harry Connick Jr's voice on this song, and it's a completely different sound. Still, Elliott performed it reasonably well, and I hope he's safe this week. Randy thinks it's a good song choice and that Elliott did a nice job. Paula and the Poundstones heaps praise all over him. Does it really matter what she said? Elliott feels like he's finally locked into his performances. Simon thinks that it was a good vocal but that the performance lacked personality. I personally think Elliott was more personable tonight than he ever was. Elliott's smiling like he just found his precious.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. My take on Kellie Pickler's performance (if you could call it that.) Kellie does her usual, sprinting across the room, bum-rushing the celebrity guests, causing the security guards to unholster their pistols. Kellie decides to pick up the words and the lyrics, because apparently the Albemarle Public Education system failed to clue her into what synonyms are. (They're words that mean the same thing for those of you who might be of the Pickler lineage.) Rod calls her on it, and she replies, and I quote, "Huh?" As though she had no idea what was going on. Kellie sings the words "my bad." Y'know, those words pretty much sum up her whole entire stint on this show. Rod Stewart calls her a firecracker, but I'm afraid her fuse is just a little too short. She more reminds me of those little things you could buy that were like 100 for a dollar, and you'd throw them on the ground or at other people's bare legs and they'd make a loud pop and generally annoy the crap out of anyone else. If she keeps singing this nasally, I'm going to stop calling her Icky Picky and begin referring to her as Kellie the Nose. Rod compliments Kellie, and she tells him that he took a load off her chest. (stopping typing, shaking head) Y'know, at this point, the producers are really going all out to show us what a blithering idiot Kellie is or purports to be. Rod stumbles backwards at the thought of Kellie's chest. You can't hear what Kellie says afterward, but I'm guessing it's "what's so funny y'all??" Kellie spends half of her 1:30 time slot just walking out to the mic in her hot pink painted-on prom dress. Oh my. She starts off and already I'm looking for the hot burning awl to jam into my ear. She looks into the camera like a drunken inbred Jessica Rabbitt and screeeeeeeches in an exaggerated southern drawl. Kellie the Nose is out in full force. The band, apparently, is playing some other song, because whatever she's attempting to sing matches nothing in the music. Some other people have pointed this out, but she really can't sing the word "bewitched," and it does come out more like "bewished." Oooh, hello there flat note! And hello there other flat note. Hey there, sharp note! Yikes, she is strained like Gerber baby food tonight! As the song goes on, the band takes five because Kellie is not following them anyway, and it just goes from bad to wretched. This performance would've not only gotten her no ticket to Hollywood, but they'd probably have had police officers haul her out of Greensboro in handcuffs. The judges are not even going to have anything to work with to pimp her tonight. Kellie cringes, because even SHE knows that she just committed an atrocity up there tonight. Randy starts off with the word "so," and that always means he's about to break his foot off in somebody's behind. Kellie pre-empts his comments by whining "I butchered it." Well, it's good that you know that Kellie, but the fact remains that you just embarrassed yourself in front of millions of people with their phone in their hand, and you've single-handedly guaranteed that only your hard-core fans are going to vote for you. Randy calls it "pitchy," which is about as gracious as he could get, short of actually french-kissing her. Paula and the Bobbsey Twins compliment Kellie on her fashion, then she does her best to criticize her in some way. Paula is looking forward to seeing Kellie start an acting career, though in case you forgot, it takes mental power to learn lines and not act like an uncouth hillbilly. However, if Hee-Haw ever starts back again, Kellie's in like Flynn. Kellie, ever the one to refuse to shut up, says "when all else fails, you gotta have great shoes." As soon as the show American Podiatry starts up, you go for it Kells Bells. Simon thinks it was boring. Kellie immediately says "I'm sorry," which she has now officially said more than "Pick Pickler." Kellie blew it big time, but she's trying to win our sympathy as best she can. Sorry, no sell.

After the break, Ace...

---

Ace Young does his Backstreet Boy thing for Rod Stewart. Rod likes his voice, and Idol does penance for it's sin of distorting Queen's reaction to Ace last week. Okay, since when did Ace get a job down on Wall Street? And the hair all slicked back! Who is this man? Naturally, he cleans up well. I am sort of liking his performance tonight. It could be that Kellie so completely trashed my palette that I would think anything would be good. Perhaps Ace could vomit on stage, and I'd still like it better. In any case, I'm enjoying Ace's performance tonight (even the falsetto part!) Maybe he'll avoid the bottom three this time. Randy claims he used to dress like Ace, but he did enjoy the performance. Paula and the Pamelas enjoyed the performance too. Michael Rapaport enjoys it from the audience. Simon gets Ace confused with Kellie the Nose and accuses him of being a bit nasal, but he otherwise liked the performance. Ace tries to say something, but Ryan cuts him off.

After the break, it's time for the McPheever!

---

Katharine McPhee gives Rod a performance that causes him to dance with some dude. Kat decides to sing "Someone to Watch Over Me," and Rod is enamored of her. Join the club, Rod. Join the club. Kat starts out sitting on the cusp of the stage, and then we get a super tight shot of Kat's lovely visage. In fact, the camera gets so close, I halfway expect to hear a bump and then Kat screaming ow. Vocally, this is perfection. I love it. The song is boring, but y'know, whatever. I'm buying Kat's CD when it comes out. The camera is nearly embedded in her nostril by the end of the song. Okay, I'm getting out of my computer chair and giving her a standing O. Loved it. Randy thinks it was her element, even though Kat can't hear him. Paula and the Led Zeppelins like Kat too. Simon thinks she made the others look like amateurs and that she is in a different league. Paula attempts to drown him out a la Kevin Nealon's Sam Donaldson caricature, but it shall not happen, per King Simon.

And that's that. Finally, a good show! Except for the Pickler.

MY PREDICTIONS:

If there is any fairness left in the world, Kellie Pickler will go home after a performance like that. Other than that, it's anybody's ball game.

See you tonight for the results recap. I will do my best not to forget to record it, so I can get it to you sooner!