AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 29: TOP 8 ELIMINATION

It's Wednesday night and it is time for another results show. This time we get to be subjected to an hour of commercials (and like, 15 minutes of actual programming) all in order to find out that someone gets to go home. Well, let the blogging begin!

Time for another whip pan across the faces of the contestants. Which of them is going home? How about all of them. Then we can pick a whole new batch. Maybe we could bring back Brooke Barrettsmith or Stevie Scott, or maybe we could just declare Rhonetta the winner of the whole thing.

Ryan Seacrest forgot to shave again. He's dressed like he just came back from a funeral, or maybe he's mourning the fact that he and Teri Hatcher are "just friends." Ryan calls Randy a drama queen, much to his amazement, introduces Paula, and calls Simon "The King of Queens." Somewhere in Hollywood, Kevin James is drafting a lawsuit. Ryan asks Paula for her opinion, assuming she has one, and she says she didn't know that singing Queen songs would be that hard. Paula, singing YOUR songs is hard, but that didn't stop you now did it? Simon tickles Paula under the table, and the creepiness factor just went off the scale. Ryan asks Randy what the girls need to do to stay in the competition, and he delves deep into his brain surgery manual and advises them to sing really really well. Ryan comments that Simon doesn't seem too happy to be there, calling him "the grumpiest millionaire he's ever met." Oooh, nice dig at Simon for the pre-season contract negotiations! Way to make things into a nice family atmosphere on set! Simon just sort of smirks and dismisses Seacrest as he would an annoying mosquito and gets snarky about Ryan's feigned insincerity.

It's time for a recap of last night's performances. I really needed to see Bimbette bum-rushing Queen screaming "Ah'm Kay-uh-lee!!" again. Could we please vote her off? I also didn't need reminding of how insipid and disgusting Ace was last night. Simon and I were on the exact same page last night, and seeing the recaps, I am right there with him. The decision to show Kellie spouting her nonsense is shown again, and if she were here, I'd seriously throw some tomatoes and eggs at her, provided she knew what they were. Poor Taylor not kicking over the mic stand. If we remember nothing else about him, this image will be it.

Now it's time for a group number, but for some reason the producers decided to busy up the screen by showing us the Idols singing AND a retrospective of past and present contestants. My brain may explode any second now. For those of you who think Katharine has gotten fatter during the competition, take a quick look at the clip of her in the audition. If anything, she has lost weight. And we get another look at former Musical Ramblings interviewee Rhonetta. Ok, I didn't notice the song being sung until Ace broke into his stupid falsetto. Yuck. Watching Rhonetta flash us in the meantime doesn't help either. Another shot reminding us, in case we forgot, that Ayla Brown royally got the shaft. Hey there, Brookie! I miss you! Man, I had quite frankly forgotten about Brenna and her Marcy-licking ways until I saw these clips. Nuts to you, Idol, for reminding me. Oh, and Crazy Dave too. Oh, and the Brittenums too. Man, our contestants were a really weak bunch to choose from this year, weren't they? Hey there, Melissa McGhee. Y'know what? I do not care anything more about this group performance, because it's amateurish and boring. I don't know what I was thinking about when I said I wanted these things back.

Will Makar and Sam Moore are in the audience. What an unlikely pairing. Okay, that's done. Time for a million commercials.



After the break, more commercials...

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Ford Commercial Time, and this go-round, it's Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" to get crapped all over. I have to say one thing, though: Kat McPhee in the short shorts? Knock me over with a feather. The Idols are supposed to be in a putt-putt park trying to win a (drum roll please) Ford vehicle of some sort. And much like the rest of the competition, none of the Idols are quite able to score. Okay, folks, it's make your own joke time: Kat McPhee blows and all the balls go in the hole. Discuss. In the end of the commercial, everybody is shooting at Bucky, which may just be oddly prophetic. Ace picked out the wardrobe for this commercial, and that's enough. Let's send him home right now.

Ryan quizzes the contestants. Taylor misses southern cooking, and barbecue and turnip greens in particular. Kellie misses okra, but she got her uncle to tape it every afternoon for her. Paris misses fried chicken with hot sauce. Elliott misses his friends and family, because they taste REAL good. Ace misses something, but I really don't care what. Bucky misses scrubbing his dog's head, I think. He said something like that, but it's hard to make out his words through that chaw of Red Man he has in his cheek. Kat translates for Bucky and misses her dog too. Chris gives a shout out to his family.

The Idols' parents send their wishes. Kat's parents are McCorny. Ace's parents are getting his room ready for him. Elliott's mom and Taylor's mom are appropriately encouraging. Paris's mom has apparently just gotten back from shopping with Paris's trust fund. Bucky's mom is surprisingly elegant. Chris's parents show us where Chris's monotone came from. Obviously Kellie's parents aren't going to be showing up, and despite my feelings about Kellie, I think this is sort of a cruel move by Idol. Her grandfather and her younger (!!) brother send their wishes, and I guess I can't really help but like the kid. If Kellie would just hush it from here on out, I might be willing to even (gasp) vote for her. Okay, I'm over it now. Elliott's not though, as he weeps openly.

After the break...oh yeah, this is results night....

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Next week, in keeping with the "let's sing songs by old people" theme, the Idols will be singing the songs of Rod Stewart.

Now it's time to select the bottom three.

Taylor Hicks gets a look back at his band in Birmingham. They picked the two brightest bulbs in the world to represent him and his band. Taylor's not going home, so why waste any more time with it? He's safe.

Katharine McPhee is a ball of nerves, and we get to visit her parents again. Kat was a cutie pie as a kid too. I know a lot of people don't care for Katharine, but I just enjoy her. She's cute, she's a good singer, and I hope she sticks around. She's all weepy right now. She's safe.

Chris Daughtry is STILL wearing that evil eye makeup from last night!!! Wow, Chris had hair! He should really grow it back. Chris defends himself against Simon's claims of indulgence by saying "Hey! I'm comfortable with lite rock! Stop it, you big meanie!" Big old hairy duh, he's safe.

After the break, we'll see who is not safe...

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Icky Pickler just took back ALL the good will I ever had for her EVER. She's borrowed Kat's hanky and goes and calls it a SNOT RAG on national television. That's right folks, a snot rag. Did anybody need that from her? Ryan goes up to snatch it from her, and she clutches it, telling him she'll give it (the snot rag) back when she's done. Ryan gently goads her, trying his best to get her to catch a subtle clue, asking her if she'd ever heard the words "too much information" before. Kellie responds, and I quote, "Uh." Ryan stares ironically into the camera for multiple seconds while Kellie smiles with the blankest of blank looks on her face. We see a place in Albemarle that serves calimari and spinach. Idol attempts to save face for her with a hokey family moment, and Kellie (surprise!!) cries. Kellie does a stupid growl in reference to Simon's "Night of the Living Dead" comment, and Ryan actually pauses, basking in the sheer brain-deadness of it all, happy perhaps that finally someone is on stage who looks more ridiculous than he does. Seriously, Kellie, for the love of all that is good, SHUT IT!! She's safe. Help us all. Kellie returns the snot rag. America, we have a problem. Kellie is still here.

Elliott Yamin did well last night, but I fear he will be in the bottom three. Elliott was sick as a child, and found out about his diabetes when he was 17. Of all people who should be playing up his past, he should. I like him, and I hope he goes on, because he seems like a good kid. Unfortunately, he's not safe tonight. He's in the bottom three. Randy says that America got it wrong. Tonight, they want the bottom three to all sing. Elliott isn't sure what to sing, but Ryan reminds him, DUH, it's what you sang last night! I don't have much to say about this performance. It's as good as it was last night, and if he goes home, it will be a crying shame.

After the break, somebody will be joining Elliott...

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Ace Young should be the one going home. He really was horrible last night. LOL, look at Acey-boy with short hair!! He's making another visit to the bottom three, and if I have my way, he's going home tonight. He's looking pretty worried, and he should be. Ryan asks Paula, Ace's biggest supporter, about him, and Paula babbles on and on and on without stringing together one coherent sentence. Simon confirms that Ace isn't good enough. Randy doesn't think he should go yet. Ace commands us all to get up, as I remain firmly planted in my seat. He's doing a worse job with the song tonight, if that's possible. Seriously, y'all, Snoop Dogg's version was better than this.

After the break, we'll round out the bottom three.

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It's now between Bucky or Paris as to who will be in the bottom three.

Bucky Covington is from Rockingham, NC. I remember that racetrack he was talking about, but I didn't realize it had been shut down. Wow, that must've really been a blow to that little town. I'm glad they can all root for Bucky now though. I like the Buckster, but will he be in the bottom three?

Paris Bennett got to decide to move from Minneapolis to Atlanta to live with her grandmother. Were any of you given this option by your parents? Of course, Paris's mom looks like she's only maybe two years older than Paris, so I guess it's no big. I do wish Paris had decided not to sing, because she's all over my nerves lately. She's crying AGAIN.

Bucky's in the bottom three. Shucks. He sings "Fat Bottomed Girls" for us yet again, and it's still enjoyable.

The bottom three assemble onstage and Ryan goes to our panel of experts to find out their thoughts, assuming they have any. Simon thinks it will be Ace. Smart man.

Simon's wrong. Bucky's gone. Ace, you got away with one big time, buddy boy.

Bucky takes it rather well. Paris cries. And now it's time for the home-going montage and the five millionth playing of "Bad Day." Hey producers, variety is the spice of life, so maybe we could have another song next week? What's wrong with Freiheit's "Keeping the Dream Alive?"

American Idol coverage will resume next Tuesday with live blogging. Keep visiting Musical Ramblings throughout the week for great features and music news!