Tuesday, February 14, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 9: HOLLYWOOD ROUND 2 & 3

It's time once again to separate the good from the the not-quite-as-good. This is round 2 of the Hollywood auditions, and it's time to be further amazed at the ego of the Brittenum twins.

175 contestants came to Hollywood. 99 of those are left. Is there really any good reason they couldn't have rounded up to 100? I still think Holly Corrente could've filled that slot rather well.

As the group competitions begin, we get a hint of all things Brittenum to come, a peek at Tyra Schwartz's inner diva, and someone saying "bling bling and shine on" with a completely straight face.

The last survivors of the previous night's auditions lie draped around the auditorium in various throes of sleep. Time to take the dear sleeping bobbins and pair them up into the most dysfunctional groups possible and watch sparks fly as their massive egos try to take up the same physical space at the same time. Also, apparently Garet Johnson does not wash or change his clothes, since he is wearing the exact same ridiculous pseudo-cowboy ensemble as yesterday.

Brenna Gethers and her group are already clicking like a broken Bic, causing Marcy Smith to flee to a room full of Kleenex.

By 2 A.M., Paris Bennett, who could pass this part of the audition in her sleep, is going to do just that. Terrell Brittenum forgets to check his massive alternate-universe ego at the door, and along with his new sycophant Anthony Hansen, he searches for the much more talented Sway Penala and Elliott Yamin so they can rehearse. Terrell, apparently the heir to the throne of the galaxy, goes on a long snit about how his fellow group members' behavior is unacceptable, while it's perfectly okay for him to be there after driving in a car purchased with a stolen identity.

Heather Cox's group is looking good and sounding well.

Meanwhile, at 3 A.M., the fuse is still lit on Terrell's tampon, as he calls and leaves nasty voice mail for Sway and Elliott Yamin.

Marcy and Nick are getting in some practice without Brenna, their resident diva.

Newly elected King of All Living Things, Terrell continues on his tirade, explaining that he does not "do groups," unless of course you count being a twin. Or the group he was in before Idol. Or the cell block he was in after Idol. To further show that his ego knows no bounds, he promises his toady Anthony that if he'll let him do all the talking, they're guaranteed to get through. Terrell's speech immediately wins him the complete support of half of his own immediate family. He's bound to be an idol, if to no one else, then himself.

In the morning, a nameless afro lays on top of a table, Kevin Covais' group checks their pocket protectors, and Terrell is getting rocks thrown at him repeatedly. Oh wait...I only wished the last one.

Wouldn't it be nice if the Brittenums didn't speak like they were delivering a sermon each time? How insufferable can you get? Somebody get Terrell together with Brenna for the match made in Purgatory. Oh, and while you're at it, somebody tell her that the last person who looked cool with sunglasses on at night was Corey Hart!

The cowboy group looks happy, though I find it frightening that being cowboy might be contagious. Kevin Covais still looks like a geek. The next contestant shown after him is unnamed, but she seems to feel quite confident about her breasts laying all over the table in front of her for the world to see.

Derrell and Terrell, having no one left in the competition who is willing to sit near them or listen to them, get into a catfight with each other. Likability quotient is now in the negative millions.

After the break, we get to see these jerks perform.

---

It's 10 AM at the Orpheum, and contestants are still cramming in rehearsals. We see a shot of Leah Barrettsmith and William Makar.

Paris Bennett's group performs, and big honkin' DUH, she's doing well and going on the next round, though this is her weakest performance so far. Stephanie Scott is a bit airy at first, and the rest of her performance is style-over-substance. Somebody correct me if I'm off base, but she looks a TON like Rory Gilmore. Simon correctly calls it predictable. Hanna Freeman, whom we've only just met, says goodbye to us. Stephanie goes through, though only by the skin of her Alexis Bledel-like teeth.

Terrell's group finally gets together. Whoop-de-doo. I already have to take off points for the earth not opening up and swallowing Terrell whole. Anthony Hansen scorches our ears with his lack of talent right off the bat. He sounds wretched and looks worse. Elliott Yamin makes him look stupid as he steps to the mic and sings it like it's supposed to be done. Sway wears it out also, just like you all knew he would. Terrell displays his complete lack of charisma and marginal talent, and then decides to take this opportunity to crap on the rest of his group members, after which three quarters of his internal organs vote to secede from his body. How there weren't snipers there to put him out of our misery, I'll never know. The judges point out, quite rightly, that the ones that didn't rehearse were miles away better than the two who had. Anthony's trust in Terrell is rewarded by getting booted out of the competition. Paula has a brain aneurysm and puts Terrell through. Sway and Elliott can't help but go to the next round. Anthony cries about it, while Terrell goes behind his back and trashes him. Meanwhile, the UN votes to excommunicate the Brittenums from Earth.

After the break, more insufferable doltish twins disgrace the name of Memphis.

---

House is on next, but I forgot to tape it.

But meanwhile, on Idol, the crooner crew is up on stage, and Kevin Covais both looks and sounds constipated. Josh Jordan sounds creepy. David Radford sounds talented, but his voice is never going to be marketable as a pop idol. William Makar has the best chops of the foursome, and he belts out the final bars with style. All four of them get through.

Excuse me for a moment. I just fell in love with an unnamed contestant in the middle of a trio of girls. And since this is not live, I think I'll spend a moment rewinding to see her again.

Taylor Hicks' group has amazing harmony, and what makes it more amazing is that they're doing it with "Doo Wah Diddy."

Tyra Schwartz abandoned her group to go join Leah Barrettsmith's trio. I remember Tyra's voice from her initial audition, but seriously, what has happened to her? She looks terrible, and this prima donna crap is so yesterday.

Perhaps as a punishment for misdeeds done in a past life, we are subjected to Derrell Brittenum again. He does a hack job of "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch." It's just plain awful. Derrell gets through, but I can hear the collective groan of America when he utters the words "can I say something?" Oh dear. Something profound is surely about to come out...of Derrell's posterior. Why, oh why, throughout this whole competition have these twins whined and moaned when they have, technically, MADE IT THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND?!?! Derrell tells us how "his spirit has been broken," and God forgive me, my immediate thought was "would you like some teeth to match?" He quits the competition, and celebrations break out around the world. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he also withdraw his brother too? Terrell gives him the "what were you thinking" glare as they exit the auditorium. As it turns out, brain surgeon Derrell thought that Terrell had been cut, probably because of the hissy little speech Terrell gave earlier and also because intelligence-wise, he's only surpassing inanimate vegetation. They are humiliated, and the world rejoices.

Mandisa Hundley is such a breath of fresh air. Of all the people who should be bragging about talent, she should, and she puts a much better face on the state of Tennessee. Brooke Barrettsmith is similarly talented, and she looks simply stunning. I'm throwing my support behind her. Sarah Enouen has a great voice too. All three girls are through to the next round, and quite deservedly so.

After the break, let's see that Brittenum kid eat that crow!

---

Yay Prison Break. Boo Bones.

It's now 4 PM, and Leah Barrettsmith, though cute as she can be, cannot remember her lyrics without inscribing them in various anatomical places.

Seriously, how hard is it to remember the words to "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch?" I'm willing to bet that most of you readers know the lyrics already without even practicing. I was disappointed to only get to see Katharine McPhee when she messed up the lyrics, and I hope that doesn't wreck the competition for her.

Tyra Schwartz jumps ship again, though one has to wonder how she might expect to get back into the other group at the last minute. Give the girl some ammo, and she shoots herself in the foot. The group she abandoned first lets her back in, however grudgingly.

The group she just left isn't having much luck, though. Meredith Bandas though spritish and cute, has had the lyrics surgically removed from her head. Hottie Leah Barrettsmith can really sing, but she also can't seem to hide the fact that she's reading the lyrics off her arm. Memorization is our friend. Lauren, Meredith, and Leah will all be going home. Leah gets consoled by her sister Brooke, and snotty Tyra can't wait a moment to trash talk the group.

Derrell and Terrell continue to plague the earth with their presence, and Ryan Seacrest promises that they will keep it "brief and to the point," which would be a first for the two. Derrell begs for forgiveness, knowing that if he leaves Idol, he'll have to go back to financial fraud to get the big bucks. Simon asks the other contestants if they think they should be able to come back. One lone female pacifist, who has in all likelihood been lobotomized, screams yes, while the rest of the crowd boo or show indifference. Simon dresses the twins down, saying he's fed up with their hissy attitude, and the contestant crowd applauds wildly. Terrell frowns as though he can't believe their arrogance to challenge the Almighty Lord High Brittenum. Simon shuts the twins up before they can utter another word, reinforces that the other contestants are "sick to death" of them, and promises an answer within thirty minutes after he, Pauler and Randy confab.

Tyra's group is up. Celeste Scalone sounds hideous. Shontai Kinnik Sky is all style over substance. Tyra is butt-wrenchingly awful and looks about as terrible as she possibly can without causing a rip in the space-time continuum. Nicole Turk is similarly off key. Unbelievably, all four of them are getting to go to the next round, since apparently the only thing needed to go through is an unlikable personality and an ego the size of the Serengeti.

Marcy Smith sings so-so. Diva wannabe Brenna Gethers inexplicably drops a key lower and sounds about as good as brussel sprouts taste. Nick Whitten has more soul than the both of them and hams it up rather well. The group airs out their dirty laundry. Brenna goes on a long tirade about how there is only one American Idol (which, allegedly, should be her) and how everyone hates Simon, so just because everyone, including her own mother at this point, hates her does not mean she shouldn't win the whole shooting match. Nick gets a big sympathy vote for putting up with his partners. The other two go through as well. Crazy judges.

And now, it's time for Garet Johnson, as though we haven't been abused enough already. He and his group get all Brokeback Mountain on us in an incredibly cheesy production piece. Seriously, how did Garet get this far? His partners Matthew Buckstein and Michael Evans strap on their ten gallon hats. Hey, maybe there will be a good commercial on or something that will make you not want to throw your TV out of the window, after the break.

---

The Brittenums now face the music. Simon asks them if there is something they'd like to say, which is immediately followed by the cacophonous sound of every single person in the world slapping their foreheads in dismay. Naturally, they want to speak, but thankfully, the lions' share of their comments have been edited out. They're both invited to stay, because the egos of Tyra and Brenna weren't quite enough to power the city of Los Angeles. I really hope something horrible happens to the twins in the next episode so that we can all point and laugh at them as they step forward into obscurity for the rest of their lives.

You know what, I don't even care about the Cowboy Trio. They're stinking the place up left and right and thankfully they are all going home.

After the break, it's Round 3!

---

It's the next day and time for Round 3 of the Hollywood auditions. On this go-round, they sing solo and acapella (which means "without musical accompaniment" for those of you who might be Brittenum twins.)

Brenna Gethers has more words of wisdom, telling us how she can't wait to have a horde of personal servants to order around. Is it obvious yet that none of these contestants have ever even been near a public relations agent?

By the way, in this round, the judges will give no feedback. It's do or die time!

Lisa Tucker and Ace Young choose to do.

Kellie Pickler has lost all her luster for me. It is all too painfully obvious that she taped every episode of Idol last year, and she is copying Carrie Underwood's every move, down to outfit selection. She auditioned with the same pink shirt and jeans, and tonight she's wearing yet another piece straight out of Carrie's closet. Carrie was great, but we already have one of her. While I figure this chick will probably make the Top 12, I'm voting that she go home. (It didn't help my opinion of her that she denied my request to add her to my friend list on Myspace. Jerk!)

Taylor Hicks is still in the competition, and may just be this year's dark horse contender.

A Brittenum thinks he did wonderfully. Stop the presses.

Gina Glocksen forgot her words and apparently blew her audition, as indicated by her tears. It's a shame that we haven't gotten to see more of her, since she's a very interesting person.

Now the judges render their decision. The contestants are split into four rooms. Usually two rooms go through, and two rooms go home.

Gina Glocksen is in room 1 along with uglo-American Tyra Schwartz and her group partner Nicole. They go bye bye. An unnamed contestant further destroys any future chance of a career by losing any semblance of class and cursing at the camera.

Room 2 features Brooke Barrettsmith which means it's the hottest room of the bunch, and it should definitely go forward. Sway Penala and Chris Daughtry are in this room as well, so it's a big fat duh-burger that they all made it.

In Room 3, we have Katharine McPhee, Tatiana Ward, Elliott Yamin, Taylor Hicks, Heather Cox, and who gives a crap which Brittenum. Despite the felon's presence, how could this group not get through? I'm supporting Katharine too, along with Brooke. Derrell SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!! They get to go on.

So, with two rooms already through, surely the fourth room has to go home, right? Not so fast, there. Room 4 features great talent like William Makar, Kevin Covais, Ace Young and some other guys. Oh yeah, Kellie Pickler's in there too, but who cares? Terrell Brittenum is in here as well, though nobody's talking to him. They're going through.

And then there were 44...

Tomorrow night, nearly half of these will go home.

Do you suppose if Katharine doesn't win, she might want to marry a Tennessee boy? Don't ask me why...she's just too cute and talented!

See ya tomorrow night!

2 Comments:

At 10:33 AM, Blogger Texas Biscuit said...

"the fuse is still lit on Terrell's tampon" ... love it!

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger Celeste Scalone said...

Celeste sounds hideous? Yeah, right. That's why Ja RUle put her out on his Last Temptation album on the Murder Reigns track and in his video. That's why Foxy Brown published one of the songs Celeste wrote ... oh Yeah and had her sing on it too (I Need A Man). Those of you who want to hear her "hideous" voice can check her out at www.celesteonline.net and also buy her album.

 

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