Sunday, February 05, 2006

A PERSONAL NOTE

Generally, I try not to delve too much into my personal life in this blog, but I do feel a certain responsibility towards those of you who take a few minutes out of your busy lives to read and comment on the articles here, which is why I'm telling you this.

I've been off my game for the past couple of days.

For the past four years, I've been seeing a wonderful woman. She is kind, spiritual, cute, and a very positive influence in my life. I won't say that our relationship was always perfect; we had our problems, and I won't do either of us the discourtesy of hashing through them here. I had my doubts about us, and she did, too, but for my part, I felt that our relationship together was the way I wanted to go with the rest of my life. Four months ago, as we sat with our arms around each other on the deck of a romantic cruise ship in the middle of the Mississippi River, I asked her to marry me.

She didn't respond right away and asked for time to think it over. Four months later, when no response had been given, I asked her for her final answer. Unfortunately, two days ago, she responded. The answer was no.

I have to admit to being a little numb. After waiting for four months for an answer, I knew that a "no" was a distinct possibility. However, when you spend the better part of four years building your life up to include this person, there is a certain sense of deflatement that comes at the end of it. She was my best friend, my confidante, my crying shoulder, and to think that she can no longer be that is heart-breaking. I am feeling a tremendous loss right now, one that cannot be cured by a flood of tears or the echo of screams. There's a big empty space in my life that bleeds, and right now, I'm still deciding what to do with that.

She's still a good person, with a good heart, and I can't even try to hate her. I appreciate that she's finally come to a decision for her life, and I have to admit that it's probably the right one. There were some things that she wanted from me that weren't part of my life goals, and there were some things that I needed from her that she just wasn't ready to give. Sometimes, despite how much you love a person, you have to give them up and let them go. Sometimes in order to give them what they need, you have to give them the freedom to find it somewhere else. I have to accord myself that same freedom, too.

I think that she and I will remain friends, though I imagine that our "best friend" days are now in the past. It will hurt for a while, and it will be hard for us to talk. There is no anger or betrayal, though, and that makes things a bit easier. I'm not ruling out the possibility that we might even find each other again after the passage of time, even if it is highly unlikely. God works in mysterious ways.

I guess what I'm saying is that my mind is all over the place right now. But I'm coping and handling.

So, I apologize if my recent product hasn't been my best work, as far as writing goes, but I promise you guys that I will do my best to keep bringing you stuff to enjoy along with my own unique take on things happening in and around the music industry. Thanks for all your support. I'm still here, still writing, and I'll see you next entry!!

6 Comments:

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Dancewriter said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I can relate to what you're going through in more than one way.

Hang in there - it eventually gets easier... eventually

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Chris Thilk said...

Dude, that's gotta sting. Just remember the one thing sure to cure a broken heart: more and more whiskey.

--Chris

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

You sound as though you have a good handle on things... because you weren't taken completely aback, you may start to feel better sooner than you expect...

& who knows what wonderful things life has in store for you!?!

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Mack Collier said...

Subpar? Hell I think MR is really starting to take off!

Hang in there bud, this too shall pass.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Sailorcurt said...

Time heals all wounds.

If she wasn't committed, it would never have worked anyway...this frees you up to find the "real" one.

I know from whence you speak, several years ago, my wife of 20 years and mother of my children just decided she didn't love me any more.

It is hard, but you already seem to be well on your way to recovery. Sometimes just airing out your feelings can go a long way in helping you accept them and move on.

Thank you for sharing your grief with us. I'm sure I speak for more than one reader when I say you can consider us your friends and you have our support.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Texas Biscuit said...

Man, 4 months with no answer to your proposal... just waiting must've been miserable in itself. But as painful as it is right now, at least you have an answer, and you've both made the right choice to move on and find the person that more closely matches all those soul mate criteria you've been dreaming of all these years.

You'll find her. Hang in there.

 

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