AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 5: VEGAS AUDITIONS

We're back for another round of real-time commentary and smart remarks as Idol goes to Las Vegas, home of last year's top 12 finalist Mikalah Gordon.

As we venture into Sin City, there's the requisite Elvis Impersonator, which we by no means get enough of here in Memphis. And there's a look at Barry Manilow, Seacrest's fashion inspiration.

Alexia "Dylon" Lincheta rocks the fake rastafarian thing and I won't even comment on the "Jamaican good music" joke. If I've ever heard a more fake accent, I don't know where. He sings some original semi-reggae mess. Out he goes. Paula admits for the first time that she's just trying to be nice, which her therapist is bound to treat as a major breakthrough. He laments coming as a gimmick and not as himself. Word of advice, next time an audition rolls around, lay off the thai sticks.

The next guy comes dressed as a joker card and gets bounced before a word comes out.

And it's the return of psychic Bobbie May who further commits career suicide as a talent manager. She brings in her equally whacked out looking sister Erica. Simon remembers her quite well. Talent, or lack thereof, runs in the family. Bobbie needs to hang up the psychic and manager gig and focus on cosmetology school. Thanks to Idol again for the low angle belly camera.

Mecca Madison does the belly dancing thing in a production piece that seems to indicate a golden ticket to be forthcoming. She has a unique voice and look, and no doubt the belly dancing thing will get some guy votes. She has fairly decent control. Unanimous yes, and we'll see her swing it in Hollywood.

After the break, Simon wants to be handcuffed, and the judges do barnyard impersonations.

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We're back, and Ryan Hart screams into the camera and wears a blurred out hoodie. Ryan asks what the judges names are, as though he didn't know. So he curses in front of the camera. He decides to flip the script and audition for Death Metal Idol. Fast, easy no. He's so hardcore, in terms of being a loser. He resumes being too cool for school in the unemployment line.

Heather Warren is a prison social worker, which is seriously not an easy job for a big old man, much less a woman. Big shock, she wants another job, and who wouldn't? Production piece = golden ticket. Simon makes the requisite handcuff joke. Heather sings "Redneck Woman" which has to rank as the least expected song ever. She did a fairly commendable job. She definitely stood out and has okay vocals. Paula is the lone dissenter as she goes off to Hollywood.

After the break, another returning contestant (the one who did the stabbing motions last year), and a barrage of plus sized people spanking themselves.

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Vegas is the fastest growing city in America. Unfortunately, it's also the city where wallets shrink the quickest.

Gondola pilot, Jason Andino gets a production piece, which for one of the first times does not equate to a golden ticket. It must be the night of the fake accents. Thankfully, he drops the fake Italian cheese for his auction. He launches into his song and does it fairly well. Paula says no, Randy says yes, and Simon says see ya. And, as Jason says, Hollywood will be "Pepe-less." UPDATE: Jason does do musical theater at UNLV.

Several contestants, some of whom I recognize, decide to try again. Foremost is crazy-eyed, hand-stabbing J.C. Gray. He comes back with a mullet, which, as a fashion move, ranks right up there with bell bottoms and leisure suits. Goodbye.

Anthony is an animal rescuer with a cute girlfriend. His voice is not cute. There may be a good voice under all that shouting, but it's not showing. Paula is overly nice, and they all three pass on him. Simon makes the requisite fat joke.

After the break, another set of twins. Hopefully they aren't currently in jail in Memphis.

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Maureen and Marnelli Pearson are two cute Asian twins. They harmonize fairly well together, considering the song they're singing, but not quite good enough. Simon says no to both. Paula says bye bye, and Randy says no. And that's it for the Pearsons. UPDATE: Here's some random stuff about the Pearson twins. Also, apparently Marnelli is a gamer. If you want to send Marnelli a message you can do so at her asiaroom page.

David Mandzak has energy and a whole lot of heart, but that's compensated for by a monotone and a black hole of a personality. It was a better performance than the original song. Bye.

For some reason, there's a short production piece mocking CSI, and showing a montage of horrid performers. Apparently, the producers made everyone in Vegas sing "Lady Marmalade" also.

More fun to come after the break!

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Foreigner, Haggai Yedidya is excited about becoming an American, as well as the next American Idol. Lee Greenwood, he's not, though I must admit it's unique to hear that song sung in an outlandish foreign accent. His voice was not pleasing. He claims to have perfect pitch, and Paula, who also does not have perfect pitch, makes sure to point out his fallacy. I mean, I loved Forever Your Girl, but she should know about lack of perfect pitch. It's a no.

Princess Brewer admits to being conceited, and claims to be the next Aretha Franklin. She says she's blunt, sassy, and a perfectionist. Simon proposes. Miami needs to look for new royalty. Apparently she's bluntly honest with everyone but herself. Her singing is downright painful. Simon prays for divine intervention. Off she goes to undoubtedly curse the cameras out.

There's a montage of more rejectees. Apparently, the preliminary rounds had each contestant singing "I Will Survive."

After the break, a gray-headed contestant, not that there's anything wrong with that...

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We're back, and people with crazy hair take over the stage.

Taylor Hicks from Birmingham AL has a head full of gray hair, which is not his fault since he's been going that way since 15, but seriously, was the Wal-Mart out of Grecian formula? He sings "Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. His voice is pleasant for the most part. He misses one or two notes, but overall he does well. He picks up the pace with his soul rendition of "Swanny River." He has a bit of soul and a bit of jazz in his voice. Paula loves his personality. Simon disagrees. Simon thinks he's a background singer. Paula says yes, Randy concurs, and Taylor will be coming to Hollywood, hopefully with some hair coloring. UPDATES: Taylor's personal webpage can be found at taylorhicks.com. He is currently touring (although can playing spots only in Alabama be technically known as touring?) throughout Birmingham through April, which doesn't leave a whole lot of open slots for him to be on Idol, so I wouldn't look for him to advance too much farther. Apparently he's played at the Playboy Mansion for some reason. If you want to email him, his address is tays@mindspring.com

Only 11 contestants made it through to Hollywood from Vegas. Tomorrow night we'll be in Austin, for what I hope is the last audition show of this year. It's getting difficult to come up with stuff to say about these auditions.

ROUND-UP:

Losers:

Y'know what...who cares at this point?

On to Hollywood:
Taylor Hicks
Mecca Madison
Heather Warren
Seriously...that's all???

PREDICTIONS:
I don't know what to say. NOBODY stood out tonight. I don't know how the other 8 auditioners that went to Hollywood turned out, but things aren't looking so good from Las Vegas.

See you tomorrow night in Austin!