AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 6: AUSTIN AUDITIONS

It's time again for yet another in a seemingly endless stream of American Idol auditions. This time we head out to Texas, the home of Kelly Clarkson, George W. Bush, and vast amounts of nothingness. Seriously, have any of you ever driven across this state? Root canals without anesthesia would be much more pleasant.

Isn't it about time for Idol to have a new opener that includes images of Carrie Underwood?

Five thousand people are in line to try to get on camera, including the requisite cross-dressers. Simon goes with the white shirt today. How come the judges have to go through metal detectors?? Is Paula gonna stick Simon with a prison shiv to boost ratings?

Julian Riano is a dancer wannabe. He likes boots. He does the splits and every male in America simultaneously screams out in pain. He sings a Trina Lopez song. I've got a different use for those boots. Like a "Lemon Tree," his voice is sour. He thinks he's a good singer, and goes on to further proclaim that the sky is green and grass is blue. UPDATE: Julian is a member of a religious group called The Benguinage.

Michelle Lapoint keeps the tone-deafness going, such that even her contestant ID number badge fled her body. UPDATE: Relevance aside, Michelle took this picture.

Arthur Mayfield doesn't sing, but he does dance, in the sense that his limbs often flail out of control in random vectors.

Donnell Bolton hit off a helium balloon before coming in the door.

"Fashion genius" Paula Goodspeed just got braces and has trouble talking, much less singing. She sings "Proud Mary," which is the universal death knell of many an Idol contestant. Simon comments on the Chrysler grill she has installed in her teeth. Unanimous no, and it's time for cursing out the cameras. The contestant uses "pitchy," which is the first appearance of this word this whole season.

After the break, a butcher, a baker, a casket stiff maker?

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And we're back to look at the University of Texas Austin. For some reason, possibly involving consumption of massive quantities of alcohol, there is an inordinate amount of people dressed as zombies.

Daniella Amora is less amazing than the grace she's singing about.

Alisa Olayani-Oke sings her out of tune notes out of tune. Thanks Simon. I can always count on you when I don't have enough time to think of a good caustic remark.

And it's time for another montage of people who are going to face a lot of ridicule and scorn at work tomorrow.

Jason Horn is a funeral director with personality. He's here to fight the stereotype for funeral directors worldwide. He's going to sing Simon's favorite, "You Raise Me Up" as done by Josh Groban. After getting his pitch, he nails the first verse and throws in a high note just for flavor. The look on Simon's face indicates that he was very impressed. I give this guy high marks, and thankfully someone has stood out. Unanimous yes, and see you in Hollywood!

Cierra Johnson is a vet assistant and a part time dance instructor. She has a carefully crafted look, and she's pleasantly demure. She has somewhat of a singing voice, but it gets lost in the fact that she holds her notes out for upwards of fifty years and misses every other key. I, like Simon, expected a lot better. Christmas carols aren't working this year. Bye! UPDATE: Cierra is a former Miss Talladega County (Alabama). She was also Miss Sylacauga. According to this article:

Cierra’s choice to commit herself to a rather touchy subject has made an impact in her home state. She has implemented the Teaching Tolerance program in more than 2,000 schools throughout Alabama. She has traveled to endless arenas informing and training educators on the importance of having a tolerance based environment in the classroom. Each week, she travels to Sylacauga to teach diversity to the children that participate in an after school program called BRIDGES. In addition, Cierra has been given a $2,000 grant for the program to use towards the purchase of materials for a multicultural library. She has donated in excess of 500 books and has started a multicultural video library at the B.B. Comer Memorial Library.

Not bad.

And now for a montage of people crying and hitting things.

After the break, we get to find out who those breasts belong to. Nice camera angle, guys...

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We're back, and Allison Schoening is cute and nearly had a tragic accident during the flight to the auditions. She seems to be really sweet and has a great perspective. It would've been really tragic if she had died trying to make it to this audition, because this was horrible, but I'm not entirely convinced it was because she's a bad singer. I think she was affected by her nerves, quite honestly. She is going to come back in half an hour, because the judges like her as much as I do. I don't want to imagine Randy in his swimming trunks or Simon for that matter.

Jeffery Pollack can't quite vocalize why he thinks he's the next American Idol. He's not sure how he feels about being indecisive.

His friend, Ricky Hayes, a music major, doesn't have quite the problem speaking. He sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, which is a wonderful song choice. His voice is nice and silky smooth. I could definitely buy his CD. This was a nice, wonderful audition. Unanimous yes, and we'll see him in Hollywood.

Ashley Jackson lets the camera sit on her lap and stare at her chest. She's a fit model, which I don't totally understand, but hey, let's let her work with it. She sings another Bonnie Raitt song, "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About." She can sing, but her voice isn't incredibly strong. She needs to reach down into her diaphragm and push it out. It's a bit too breathy. Simon wants her to sing with her mouth closed, which torpedoed her audition in my mind. Simon thinks she might be able to make it, in terms of garnering votes based on bra size alone. Randy wants to give her another chance. Simon wants to give her another chance, and wonder of wonders, she goes to Hollywood. Ashley gets the Dave Hoover award of the night.

Before the break, Ryan makes a thinly veiled oral sex joke about Ashley and Randy. After the break, more plus sized contestants, though thankfully this time they are not spanking themselves.

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Now that we're back, Ronnie "R.J." Norman is loved by everyone, the foremost of which is himself, which has endeared him to an eighth of his own personal body cells and NONE of the rest of the universe. He hits on several random unfortunate ladies. He's a player who doesn't seem to know when to shut up. He hits on Allison Schoening, who is immediately impressed by a deep desire to never see R.J. again. No chance this guy is ever going to need anybody else to do his P.R. for him. He sings "Ain't No Sunshine," and as much as I loathe him at this point, I think he probably did well enough to advance. I like his voice, but I don't like him. Simon and Paula like him, but Randy thinks he's just average. He moves on to Hollywood, where he'll continue to be insufferable. Allison hugs him to get him out of the way. R.J. criticizes Randy, which is a great move in terms of not getting to the Top 24.

Randy Jackson's twin, Kevin Mitchell, is from Longview TX. He had to get a mohawk to stand apart. Hopefully he has talent, because I like him. He can sing, but his rendition of Genesis' "I Can't Dance" is reaching just a little bit. It's nothing world-shattering, but it's not the worst we've heard. None of the judges put him through.

After the break, Mr. Memory Loss, Tessie, and Allison show us what they're made of.

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Allison Schoening is back again. I just really hope that she does well. She sings "Proud Mary," which is only slightly more preferable than putting a gun to your head. It's not going to happen.

Sixteen year old William Makar sings the wonderful "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" as sung by the Temptations. He has a good solid voice for a young man. I like his voice, but his style isn't quite what I would like it to be. He looks freakishly like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years. Paula says he's not ready. Simon likes him. Randy puts him through to Hollywood.

What's the deal with Paula being the bad guy/girl this year?

After the break, Tessie Mae falls flat on her face...

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Does anyone really watch Skating With Celebrities??

Austin is almost done. Ryan says it's the worst stop, because he obviously wasn't paying attention to the auditions last night.

Tessie Mae Reid is going to be the next big famous person, no pun intended. She knows that she is amazing. She also knows that the world is flat and that snow comes up from the ground. Tessie is 17. Ain't no mountain high enough to hide from this horrible voice. Tessie says they're all wrong, and they are, since I looked on the calendar and found out it was Opposite Day. Simon makes the requisite fat joke.

Only 12 auditioners made it to Hollywood, which is the second lowest success rate of Idol auditions ever! First lowest was last night.

Next week, we have STILL MORE auditions. Tuesday, we go to Boston. I can't wait to hear the National Anthem singer and the twins, but the rest of them...nothing exciting. And finally, after years and years of languishing in these preliminary auditions, we get to see Hollywood auditions.

ROUND-UP:

On to Hollywood:
Ricky Hayes
Jason Horn
Ashley Jackson
William Makar
R.J. Norman

PREDICTIONS:

Ricky Hayes is looking great to advance, and Jason Horn is a contender. Finally, the guys have shown up!! Ashley and William are going to have to do a lot more work to advance past the Hollywood rounds.

See you for more Idol recaps next week, and keep checking here for some special Idol and non-Idol things that I have in the works.