American Idol: Top 6 Perform....Again

Well, what a week... Let me say, on a personal level, that I appreciate all the well-wishes and thoughts that have gone out for me and my family. My father is on the mend now, and is seemingly back to normal.

At this time, I want to send out sincere and heartfelt best wishes to Jessica Sierra. I know that the issues surrounding her right now have been the fodder for many a writer to poke fun at, and I've seen generally respectable news sources (ahem, Associated Press) pretty much mock her. The sad truth behind Jessica's situation is that this is the dark side of being a former Idol. It's darned hard to make it once the show is done with you and has spit you out, and unfortunately it looks like Jessica isn't making the best choices right now. I consider Jessica a friend, though, and I know her to be a talent to be reckoned with, and I hope that once she emerges from this fiasco and gets her life back together that she'll do everything that I know she can do. If she does, then watch out. She's a good hugger too. I wish I could give her one right now...

On a positive note, I met up with Lisa Tucker this past weekend. She knew me from phone interviews and emails, but we only just now caught up in person. Let me tell you...she's a sweetheart. Through and through, just a darling person. The way she works with kids, and the way she carries herself is quite regal and stylish. But she's completely approachable and friendly, and when she punches you in the arm, it stings a little bit. She let me know a little about her upcoming pilot for Fox called "Born in the USA." Keep an eye out for it on the fall line-up.

Alright...enough of that stuff...on with the recap...

Don't forget, tonight's voting determines which two (Lakisha and Chris) of these guys go home. Tonight's theme is the music of Bon Jovi, and I am way too curious to see which of these songs this lot will pick. There better at least be one song from Slippery When Wet, and it better not be "Wanted Dead or Alive," because Chris Daughtry owns that one. I would pay good money to hear Melinda sing "Living in Sin."

Ryan's trip to Ethiopia has spawned within him the desire never to shave again, and he comes in with a ten o'clock shadow. He looks so scruffy and wild that I would almost swear that I saw the ghost of Steve Irwin stalking him as he walked onstage. The judges are in, and Simon is sunburnt as all crap. Either that or the fires of Hell were just a bit too hot before he emerged from his dwelling place next door to Satan.

Time to meet Mr. Bongiovi as we look back throughout his legacy of rockin' songs and horrific hair. I'm beginning to feel really old as I contrast the old Bon Jovi with the newer, suckier Bon Jovi. Jon came from a day WAY before singers were supposed to look good, folks.

Phil Stacey is going to sing "Blaze of Glory," which is as close to country as he can get. Jon liked the way Phil sang the song, even though the video package only showcases the screechy parts. On to the live performance... Okay, somebody fire the guitarist. That was the most horrendous butchering of the opening of that song that I have ever heard, and I've heard plenty of bar-band guitarists attempt it. Phil, on the other hand, gets the award for most-improved-Idol EVER as he drops the bat off his shoulder, swings, follows through, and sends this one screaming into the stands. This is possibly the most I've ever enjoyed Phil. This is also the most alive Phil has ever looked, possibly in his whole lifetime. My only complaint...when is he gonna rock the cowboy hat? C'mon Phil, people are begging for it. Randy drops Jon Bon Jovi's name, since he recorded that song with JBJ, and he concurs that this was his best performance. For some reason Randy compares Phil's vocal with Steve Perry, which I totally don't get, but okay. It's probably just another way for Randy to embellish his name-dropping. We get it Rand...you performed with everybody who was anybody in the 80's. Paula calls it the best opening act of the whole season. (Phil's performance, not Randy's delusions of grandeur.) Simon is somewhat less impressed, called it inauthentic, and he thinks people will vote Phil off this week. Wow, Simon...different show we're watching? I get the feeling that this is a bit more personal than not for Simon. C'mon...even I can't make fun of Phil tonight, and I usually do.

Hey Gina! Dang, I've been missing you. She would've OWNED tonight.

Jordin Sparks' mom grew up on Bon Jovi, and WOW do I feel old. She picked the hardest Bon Jovi song to sing, "Livin' On a Prayer." This one happens to be one of my very favorite Bon Jovi songs. Bon Jovi comments that he couldn't sing half as good as Jordin when he was fifteen. Hate to break it to you, Jonny, but you can't NOW. Your vocals were never what sold the songs, bud. Without Richie Sambora on guitar, there wasn't much else left. Jordin does her best to rock out, but for some reason, I think the low notes are an issue again. If they'd notched up the key just a bit, she'd have been okay. However, once we're into the chorus, she wears it out. I like her look tonight. The guitarists up on stage are really detracting from her performance. I'd really love for some guys dressed in football uniforms to rush out from backstage and just tackle the onstage guitarists. I love how she hit the key change perfectly, though. She closes out the song well, and she's totally in the moment during much of the song. Randy acknowledges that this song was tough for her, and Jordin acknowledges that the verses were not great. Paula gives her props for going completely outside of her comfort zone. Jordin tells Simon to give it to her, and Simon preps the booers. Simon criticizes the look and tells her that the performance was terrible. I don't think it was that bad, given the song she chose to sing. Jordin's hair, in and of itself, is taller than Ryan.

And here's Lakisha Jones looking for all the world like a strawberry oreo. She jokes about how she's not sitting down because she wants the camera to catch her slim side, when the truth is that if she sat down, she's split her seams open so violently that everyone within a 30 mile radius would be injured. She's going to sing "This Ain't a Love Song," which is perhaps the sappiest Bon Jovi song ever, even more so than "Bed of Roses." As for the performance, would it have been too much to actually get Richie Sambora to play? Send this hack guitarist away, please. There's Lakisha, looking like she's actually gaining weight even as she sings. And while I"m as open-minded as anyone else, and not a tiny person myself, people of weight should wear things that are more flattering to their figure. This one doesn't flatter hers. This outfit takes her figure, sticks its head in the toilet and pulls its underwear up its crack. Oh Lakisha...There's that dead and unfeeling look in her eyes. There's the inappropriate hand motions. She's just performing the song, not feeling it, not interpreting it, not living it, etc. I'm done with her. She inexplicably looks like she wants to kick the crap out of someone at the end of the song, and I'm not real sure why she should be mad at any point during this song. Randy calls it pitchy at the beginning, but comments that the rest of the song "blew it out of the box." Paula compliments her on the money notes. Simon says he could kiss her after that. And that's three for three on Simon and I not seeing the same show. Lakisha does proceed to kiss him. Somebody swab Simon for the paternity test later. And while Lakisha might have nice lips, I'm sure better men have lost their lives trying to climb THOSE mountains.

Blake Lewis is going to sing "You Give Love a Bad Name." And apparently, Blake will be doing an adventurous rendition of the song, in violation of one of the cardinal rule of Idol performances: do not mess with a classic. Blake will be performing exactly 16 measures without singing. Jon doesn't think it will work. I am capital H Hating the new hair. So, this is how 311 would've done this song? I did miss the beat boxing a bit, but I would've liked it better on another song. I'm not saying it's unwelcome, it's just that I'm hopelessly prejudiced toward the original version. When he emulates the scratch wheels with his voice, it's rather unique and inventive. The chorus is screechy, pitchy, and not pleasant at all. Blake and the drummer square off, and I didn't really think that particular bit of beat-boxing was all that difficult. Sorry. The verbal acrobatics were unique, yes, but I don't think this song tips toward the side of "welcome change." Randy calls it the most original version of a song ever on Idol. He thinks it was hot. Paula thinks that Jon enjoyed it, even though he clearly didn't during the rehearsals. Simon's mom is in the audience, which directly conflicts with Paula's Season One assertion that Simon was breast-fed by his father. Simon says half the audience will hate it and half will love it. I think people will enjoy the fact that he did at least go out on his own, and I give him props for a MAJOR risk, even though I'd much rather have the song done the way it originally was. Proving Simon's point, my wife thought what Blake did with this song was awesome. (She was, like, one when the original version came out.)

Whatever it was that Chris just did on the way out to break ought never to be done again, and it possibly ought to be declared illegal.

I'm just going to admit it. I don't like Chris Richardson. Surprise. I like him even less when Ryan refers to him as Justin Timberlake, which I totally don't get, because he not only doesn't look like him, but doesn't even sound anything like him. Well, maybe if Justin were to get in a horrid accident, suffer brain damage, and move to a trailer park. I'm just not sure that looking like a special needs Justin T is the way for anybody to go. And there's yet another reason to hate him: he's doing Chris Daughtry's "Wanted Dead or Alive," and making a horse's behind out of himself in front of BON JOVI in rehearsals by not even bothering to remember the lyrics in front of someone who could really help him in his career later on. Chris, learn from Lakisha...do NOT perform a song that people remember another Idol for. Oh good gracious. The nasal hell that I am enduring right now. He totally blasts the first verse, especially the high notes, right straight through his sinuses, such that I fear he might permanently injure himself. You can see him literally straining them out, and it just hurts watching him. There's just no depth to his voice. He forgot the lyrics at one point during the chorus, quickly corrected, and managed to irritate everyone who knows the song with his shenanigans. This is nothing more than an average karaoke bar performance. All this leads me to believe that Idol should adopt the same policy as sports teams do. Sports teams retire jerseys. Idol should retire songs. When a contestant asks to sing one of them, they should be smacked in the hand, told that they are retarded, and be made to do forty push-ups. Randy thinks Chris delivered a good performance. Unfortunately, after tomorrow night, I figure Chris will be delivering pizzas as a means of making money. Paula blah blah blah repeat Randy. Simon doesn't think he was good enough to stay another week. I don't think it was good enough for him to stay another minute.

Melinda Doolittle is doing "Have a Nice Day," which is my least favorite Bon Jovi song ever. Jon instructs Melinda to take it to church, which is right in Melinda's wheelhouse. Melinda inexplicably performs the sign of the devil before going on, but I'm sure she doesn't know that. And I get to like this song now, because I like Melinda. Why is it that if I turn away and then look back, I almost expect to see Tina Turner onstage? Melinda's giving this song all the attitude that it needs, yet again living the song, making it her own, and being every bit the Melinda that I love. I don't need to write any more about it. RandyPaula loves it. Simon thought she was in a different league than anyone else tonight. Boom. Pow. Outta here! To borrow a word from Kelly Clarkson, "Score!"

President Bush and Mrs. President get onscreen and congratulate us for giving during the Idol Gives Back smoochfest. The President also thanks the celebrities, and throws in an "even Bono," as though he and the U2 front man are schoolyard rivals. 'There's a horribly scripted part in which we get the threat of the President crooning, and thankfully we are spared that and the Prez goes back to doing what he does best, which is running the Republican party directly into the ground and getting all of the people around him indicted.

Who goes home tomorrow? It's anybody's guess. As long as anybody guesses Lakisha and Chris.

By the way, anybody wanna meet their favorite reality TV stars? Check out the Reality TV Convention this June in Nashville. www.realitytvconvention.com. I'll see you there!