American Idol Season 6: Top 7 Results

As if there weren't enough hurt feelings going around, it seems that the nation has been unable to sit still as they watch repeats of The Video. No, not the video of the VT gun kid. The Video of Simon Cowell apparently rolling his eyes after Chris's comments about Virginia Tech. Some are mad at Chris, because they assume, as did I, that he used it to garner pity votes.

Okay, look. Here's the deal. None of us can know the hearts of these men. And quite frankly, we all need to quit being a country full of panty-waisted ninnies running around looking for stuff to be offended at. Whether they meant it or not, you'll never know. So move on.

The seven are lined up, preparing for judgment. And THIS...not that, and not the other, and certainly not that other thing...is American Idol. Randy Jackson has on what is perhaps the coolest hat I have ever seen. Skull and crossbones...quite stylish, I think.

For the first time ever, the show is taking time to publicly address speculation in the press about the show, and in particular the deal with Simon, Chris, and the eye roll. Simon explains he was talking to Paula when he rolled his eyes and wasn't paying attention to the cameras. Bucky Covington and I both believe that Simon is actually a softie inside, and I personally don't believe he would say something like that intentionally. If nothing else, he's been in this business long enough to know better. It was an accident, and it's obvious from Simon's somewhat shaken and penitent affect that he didn't mean it and that he's more than slightly embarrassed by it. The video proves conclusively that he didn't mean it that way, and you Chris fans can stop flapping your bleeding gums now. I'm sure that some of the conspiracy idiots out there still won't buy it, but who cares about them anyway.

If you want a recap of the recap, read last night's post.

Time for Seacrest's man on the street interviews. Apparently these people just came straight from The Tonight Show's "Jaywalking" segment. They seem like they've got all the intelligence of celery, and someone really needs to give that one guy a bath. Good grief, was Seacrest standing in the line outside the welfare office? Sheesh! What scares me even more than their lame answers is that we allow people as dumb as these to vote for something like President of the United States. That's the kind of thing that keeps me up at nights.

The kids will be group-singing "I'm Alright." Chris took Unshaven Guy's advice and squints so hard at the camera that the lens cracks. Blake sings it, but you can tell even he doesn't really buy it. Phil, Lakisha and Sanjaya are just sort of there. Melinda and Jordin take it seriously, as they do everything in this competition, which is why they are the Top Two, or will be. The rest of them manage to suck all the life out of this song. Again, it's the Kidz Bop version. I really wish I liked more than two of these guys. Aside from Melinda, and possibly Jordin, this is quite frankly the worst season of Idol that I remember. I used to think Season 3 had that distinction, but it seems like a banner year compared to this stinkfest year.

Christina Keaton won because she won the A.I. challenge, and now it's time for this week's absurdly simple question. Who is considered this year's "rocker"? (Hint: Gina) We won't go into the endless arguments we could have over whether a legitimate "rocker" would ever be on this show, but that's for another day.

Melinda listens to Fred Hammond and Kirk Franklin. Gospel all the way. With demon spawn like Sanjaya around, she better keep her religion up.

Speaking of, Sanjaya illegally downloads country and blues, and then completely fails to emulate them.

Blake listens to Incubus. Live. Because he's cooler than everybody else, possibly even the rest of the universe.

Jordin listens to Fergie. This will come in to play later, I assume.

Chris listens to Maroon 5 and Jason Mraz. Insert stupid Chris joke about Peter Noone. Comedy is not in this guy's future.

Phil listens to Willie Nelson. Good choice, Phil. Wonder what else about Willie he likes? (Hint: Uh-oh, that wasn't a Marlboro...)

Lakisha listens to Yolanda Adams. Mmmkay.

Back outside the dressing room, Seacrest introduces Fergie, formerly of the Black Eyed Peas, and currently of the group of artists who release songs dealing with major issues like "my lovely lady lumps" and things that are fergalicious. This is deep material here folks. I wonder what the other two girls in Wild Orchid are doing now? Do you think Fergie and Jennifer Love Hewitt ever get together and reminisce over the good old days in Kids Incorporated? Probably not. Fergie is too busy recording earth-shattering songs with Gwen Stefani about how her humps are bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s). What's with this random performance anyway? Is it just to fill time? Could Fergie not make it till next week when Idol Really Really Gives a Crap and Cares Until They're Blue In The Face? Or was she turned down from that lineup?

Ah yes, the Ford Commercial disguised as a music video that we can oh so conveniently download, so as to be advertised to as many times as our little hearts desire. They're murdering "I Ran (So Far Away)" as done by A Flock of Seagulls. I know at least one blogger who is going to be completely repulsed by this. Well, aside from me...

Next week, Idol Cares So Much It Hurts (tm) and Myspace has - gasp! - created a special profile for it! I'm SHOCKED. And in case you didn't already have a butt full of this love-fest that Idol is having with itself, we get to hear more about it, see more about it, and find out which artists will be falling all over themselves to Care (tm). Good to see that Carrie and Kelly will be back though. Teri Hatcher will be there. Oh the jokes I will have at Seacrest's expense!

Time to split the herd. I hate the stupid suspense portions, so I'll cut to the chase here. Sanjaya, Lakisha, and Blake are in one group, while Jordin, Phil, and Chris are in the other. Seacrest does what he does every year by asking the one remaining star who is obviously safe to pick which group they should be in. Usually this person will just sort of stand in the middle, a la Bo Bice, even though Taylor Hicks didn't do it last year, and Melinda will be equally non-commital as she squats stylishly to the floor. As it turns out, in this not-so-predictable balance, that Chris, Jordin, and Phil are safe. Thusly, Sanjaya, Lakisha and Blake will have to wait to see who gets kicked out of the apartments after the big group send-off dinner tonight. Randy is all "what?" at Blake being there. Paula also feels the same, because she is surgically attaching herself to Randy's opinion this season. Simon is smiling like a cat who just ate the canary, because he is savoring the delicious possibility that Sanjaya is going home.

The bottom three sit, awaiting their fate. Well, Blake is awaiting a return to his seat, but the other two are facing certain doom. Sanjaya has a look on his face that sort of says "yeah, I knew I couldn't pull it off forever." Lakisha has a look on her face that sort of says "ooooooh shiny..."

But before we do that, we have to go and let Fox shill for the new Shrek movie. Not even TiVo can skip past all the commercials that are embedded within this juggernaut of a show. With all the product placement, it sort of feels like I'm watching Rachael Leigh Cook in Josie and the Pussycats over and over again. I'm sure this Shrek thing is a great experience for the Idols, but for us, watching them watching other things is slightly more boring than watching my socks unravel. The Idols attempt to do voice work, then get surprised by Antonio Banderas, who comes in and strokes their ego right before they become the first audience ever to see the movie, though that will seem slightly less cool next year when the movie is playing three times a week on TBS.

Antonio, Melanie Griffith, their kids, Melanie's lips, and Dreamworks Guru Guy Katzenberg are taking up the first row.

Now on to Martina McBride, and anyone who follows her this season as a guest mentor will forevermore seem unworthy. She's performing her new song, "Anyway," which I love. If I ever had a voice like a girl, I would hope it would be her voice. Melinda totally gets Martina's song, and she's standing over with the others, lost in the vibe, unaware of anything else but the song. Chris is sort of standing there, looking for all the world like he's thinking "boy that gal has a purty mouth." Martina's daughter Emma comes onstage with her and succeeds at being cuter than anybody, ever, all combined. Quite frankly, I would be overjoyed if 19 Entertainment fired Seacrest and hired Emma McBride to host the show. If she doesn't have a show, she should get one. Martina just stole Ryan's thunder, sent us out to break, and I think I may just buy her new album based solely on that.

Time for the elimination... one person's pain will be assuaged. Without a doubt, even in the infinitesimal mind of Seacrest, Blake is safe. So who goes home? Annoying Teenybopper or Baby Mamma? It looks like Lakisha's baby girl will be getting...

...to stay with her grandparents. Justice is finally served, and Sanjaya will be joining Shyamali. Oh you thought he cried when his sister got cut? Wait for the waterworks that are about to happen now. There's a montage of all the celebrity mentors singing his praises, poor pitiful crying Ashley who will be in therapy for years to come over the embarrassment of this season, and moment upon moment of auditory agony as Sanjaya assaults our ears with his own brand of Suck. No more Sanjaya to kick around. 99.9 percent of the country will be rejoicing. The one percent that are Fanjayas (UGH) will be crying into their Strawberry Shortcake lunchboxes as they head back to study hall where they will trade N'Sync stickers with their friends and discuss the deep-rooted philosophies and beliefs held by Lindsey Lohan.

Sanjaya, ever the jokester, gives us something to talk about "other than hair" and we graciously get to see him cut off.

See ya!