American Idol 6: Who Goes to the Finale?

Last night was too close to call. I don't know whether to trust DialIdol or not, but darned if they haven't been hitting the nail on the head most of the past few weeks. If they've got it right this week, it's Blake who will be going bye-bye tonight.

But then again, anything is possible, because THIS is American Idol.

Before that, though, I have to again wonder why anyone thinks Emily Deschanel is pretty? Now that she's anorexically gaunt, I can't watch Bones without thinking that they should add the words "Skin and..." to the title. By the way, that was the lamest season finale I've ever seen.

Tonight we get to see Elliott Yamin! Yay! And Maroon 5... ehh.

Homer Simpson manages to host the show better than Ryan Seacrest. I don't know that I'll ever get tired of that particular character. (Homer, not Ryan.) I think 19 should offer Dan Castallaneta the contract for this show. I'd much prefer him doing that than wasting his time with bit parts like the one he had in Stranger Than Fiction. I bet even Maggie Simpson could come up with more successful attempts at humor than our regular host. Ryan, of course, attempts to parlay the Homer experience into a joke, but as usual, it falls flatter than Paula without a wonder bra.

Hi, Brandon Rogers!

Intro the judges and Randy moos at Simon right before the recap of last night's rather good performances. I'm using the recaps to void my bladder, because I don't need to be reminded of how good it was last night. It just sort of takes away from it.

I was thinking while I was in the bathroom how much I'd like to have the money that Matt Groening has made from the Simpsons. I'd also hate to be Tracey Ullman. It must really suck to be the star of the show that spun off a more successful show. The Simpsons have been on the air for nearly 15 years, and most of you probably said Tracey who??? because you're not old enough to remember the Tracey Ullman Show.

Back to the show...except for it's another commercial. It's the American Idol Live Pop Tart concert that they're shilling. And you KNOW it's been a long season when there are contestants on there whose appearances cause you to think the following thought: "oh yeah! them!" Because you know you haven't thought about them for a month or so.

Jordin, Blake, and Melinda are still fresh on our minds, though. Ryan sits down and talks almost exclusively to Jordin. She recounts how they interviewed with Fox, did a show at her school, went to the mall, then had to come back, learn three songs and do the Ford video. We get to hear more about her trip home, and THIS is the most personal we've gotten with any of the contestants this year. I think this has been one of the downfalls of this season, and I'm not just saying that because Carmen Rasmusen said it. It seems like we didn't really get a chance to get invested with these kids this year, and I think that's totally to the detriment of the show. In years prior, there was much more focus on each individual's personality. I totally think everyone was more rabid about it last year too. With the exception of a few Lakisha fans, I haven't really seen people fighting about their favorite contestants too much. Granted several hardcore fans have formed their inanely named fan clubs (my head still hurts over Fanjayas and Fantonellas) but by and large, not a whole lot of people have been all that emotionally invested. ANYWAY, back to the scene at hand: Boy, Jordin sure got a butt load of people to show up for her. She's literally overwhelmed by it all, and as she marches through the halls of her school, she almost looks a bit too overcome, bordering on claustrophobic and scared. Enjoy it while it lasts, Jordin. Fame is a fickle mistress.

Jordin gets the "dim the lights" treatment first, so we're gonna get it down to two. Since she's the first, you HAVE to know she's safe. This is a no-brainer. So it's either a shocker elimination with Melinda going home, or Blake ends his journey here. As it turns out, it might be neither, as Ryan performs a cold act of send-home-us interruptus and throws to commercial. Like I said, much too early in this hour long Z-fest.

Brandon and Lakisha are in the house. Sitting together. Hey, wow, can we start the rumor mill?

Time for the American Idol Brain Strain, and how uncool is it to throw it out there that Elliott wasn't in the top two right before he performs?

Ryan can't sing. There's a reason why he hosts. I wish this show could borrow from Showtime at the Apollo and have the clown come out and hook people off the stage when they're sucking hard. Ryan would have a permanent mark around his waist if they did. But we don't have that, so Ryan sits down to chit-chat with the next victim: Blake Lewis. Blake likes big butts. Duh! Who doesn't? Ryan gets up and spanks himself and flexes his glutes for Blake. Or at least I imagine that's what happens as we enter this video package. I had to have SOMETHING to distract me from the bouncing boobs of that one chick who was a Blake fan. Can you say eww? I have finally figured out which cartoon character Blake is: Popeye the Sailor. He totally is. If he had puffy forearms, he'd be perfect. It came to me when I saw him walking on that pier. There are some sweet tender moments between Blake and his dad. Thankfully, Blake's dad doesn't cry as much as the McPhather from last year (if you recall who I mean.) Blake's moments come off as really sweet, though, and I find myself just a bit more sympathetic to him, even though I know he's not quite on the level with the remaining others. Sorry, y'all, but Blake screwed the pooch on the national anthem. That was wicked flat. Still, I've done the anthem before at baseball games, and that is one hard song to sing, especially with the acoustics of a stadium, so I don't fault him for that. If nothing else, you have to imagine he'd be nervous as all heck to sing in a Major League park.

Time to get to the results. Uh, yeah, right. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm Paula Abdul.

This is the moment I actually tuned in for. Elliott Yamin is back on the American Idol stage, and heck yes we missed you Elliott. And he's singing that same way that I loved last year. I hope all you Season 6'ers are watching out there, because this guy is everything that you should've been this year. He looks a lot better, that's for sure. Last year he looked like twenty miles of skint-back mule backside, but with that new grill and the long locks, he actually cleans up rather well. I love this song too. It's one of my favorite songs on his CD, which I purchased the nano-second it was released. (I had an advance copy of it, but I wanted to contribute to his success.) Elliott sort of reminds me why I love this goofy show, and he gives me hope that maybe I'll find another one like him next year. This year's just a fluke right? It will get better, won't it? Nice job Elliott! I love the fact that they do a mock judge's panel with him. What I wanted Simon to say was that Elliott should've been the winner last year, but I guess Simon was torn between him and Daughtry, and he let me down. Elliott's all nerves again, but he's definitely excited, and it's so nice to see one of the formers in this situation. Elliott thanks everyone under the sun, but that's okay, because he's Elliott, and I would allow him to be on my TV for a lot longer. It would be better than most of the filler.

Shame on you, Ryan. Don't mess with my Melinda like that.

I can't wait to see Live Free or Die Hard. I need a good bullet-slinging action-fest in my life.

Time for the car-mercial, and does anybody really pay attention to this anymore? I guess so, because I am. "Everybody Wants You" is yet another song that's totally not meant to be done that way. But the video was cute, especially with young Melinda rockin' rough and stuff in her afro puffs.

Speaking of Melinda Doolittle, it's time to talk to her. Ryan starts babbling about how he and Simon used to be famous, and he accuses Simon of sulking. Simon, on the other hand, is clearly not sulking. Rather, he's daydreaming, and unaware of anything until Ryan shouts at him and jars him back into reality. Simon doesn't even bother to play along with it and instead sinks back into his reverie.

Wow. It was Melinda Doolittle Day in my own state, and I didn't even know to take off of work! I'll have to remember to use my floating holiday for it next year. Melinda gets a street named after her, which is way beyond cool. I really would've liked to be there. It's a three hour drive for me, but it would've been nice to meet the next American Idol. Melinda is so cute with her parents. Gosh, I really like her. I said something about not getting emotionally invested with contestants, but I think she's the exception.

Time for the results, and nope, not falling for it!

I just saw Starscream transform in the trailer for Transformers. I need to go change my pants now. Color me one happy fan-boy.

Is your band worth anything? Then try out for American Band, or whatever the heck it's called. Send in your video.

It's time for Maroon 5's pointless performance. Just bring Elliott back out, please? I'm gonna go out on a limb right now and say that "She Will Be Loved" is the only listenable song by Maroon 5. This song sure isn't. I mean, dang. This lead singer is somewhat of a George Michael Lite, and that's being generous. It looks like there was either a lot of vocal correction on their album or they had to do 100 takes on each verse. Who cuts this guy's hair? Beavers? Please, let this end. I need some results. After the commercials, of course.

We've got about five seconds left in the show, so it's time to know the results. We start with Jordin, who is way taller than she should be. Jordin is in the finale, and for the first time this season, I am actually nervous for Melinda. I've got chills through my body. Please. Please! My spine's tingling and....

Melinda...

will...

And my spirit just died a little. This is wrong. Just. So. Wrong.

Unbelievably wrong. I give up. This season's over. I don't know if I've got it in me to recap the finale.