American Idol: 8 Girls That Might Not Blow Their Careers Away

Okay, so last night's male performances were somewhat subpar (yeah, and Hitler's Third Reich was somewhat bigoted) so hopefully the girls will pick the bar up off the floor and raise it high over their heads. Maybe somebody will take a picture of Antonella doing it (raising the bar, not that other thing, you perverts.)

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, I do write other things during the week, so keep checking back even after tomorrow. Jon Peter Lewis just sent me his new CD, so I'll be posting a review of that soon, as well as the long-awaited and much-requested review of Katharine McPhee's album. Oh, and I may just throw in a review of Half Past Forever, but that's just the dogg in me, and that's the way I am.

Now, viva la femme!

They're all 8 lined up, and Ryan Seacrest does his best Johnny Cash impression with his wardrobe. Paula Abdul is wandering around outside somewhere, no doubt trying to find a clean needle from the homeless throng outside the studios. She'll be back as soon as she loads up.

The girls strut their stuff, and I think they must've widened the archway to fit Melinda's smile through. I like her.

The guys are recovering from their suck-fest last night. Seriously, save for Blake and Chris Sligh, the fumes from their rank performance are still wafting across the stage. Hopefully the girls won't catch the virus.

Jordin Sparks likes football. I like her. Therefore, I must like football. Hmmm. While that's a logical fallacy, both are true, and equally true is the fact that Jordin's performance tonight is a TOUCHDOWN! Did you like that sports analogy I squeezed in there? My English teacher would be so proud. I especially like that she's doing a Pat Benatar song, which is no doubt older than she is. Jordin is so stinking cute it's not even funny. "Heartbreaker" is a bit more obscure than I'd have expected. I like that the contestants this year are picking songs that are slightly out of the norm. I like her style and presence. She's owning the song, looks only slightly nervous, and I'm sold. I love this girl. Randy says "yo" a lot, and he's all about the girls tonight. And yes, this was miles better than most of the guys last night. Paula is surprisingly articulate this go-round, and she slathers all over Jordin. Simon wasn't completely turned on by it, but he's sort of okay with it. Wow. Jordin completely out-sizes Pipsqueakcrest. Oh wait, it's the heels. Oh, who cares! I'll buy her CD and DVD. Vote for her already.

We return to the couch, where Ryan sits conspicuously distant from two hot chicks. Gina gets a little extra pimp time as she envelops the camera and expounds on the virtues of something that had very little to do with the original question. Sabrina and her supermodel looks say something, and I am SO married right now, so I won't say anything else. Sabrina wanted to be a TV anchor chick, and really, who doesn't? Even Ryan Seacrest wanted to be a TV anchor chick, so stop hating. I've heard Sabrina sing before this when I picked up a few of her gospel indie tracks online. I liked her before, but tonight I'm not digging the groove. She's flat a bit (the notes, you pervs) and she bounces a lot in front of the camera, but other than that...why? I'm not really going to remember this performance in a couple of hours. The dress, yes. The song, not likely. Randy didn't love the song choice, which means he thought it was wretched, appalling, putrid, and possibly a crime against humanity. Paula thinks Sabrina can sing. Paula also thought there wasn't a sour note on "Forever Your Girl." I just can't trust the Pauler on judging vocal quality, when she possesses none herself. Simon found it robotic, and appears to feel as though he'd rather give himself a fleet enema than abide this girl any further into the competition. This girl could go home. Like now.

Now it's time for the most searched person, place, or thing on the Internet, Antonella Barba. In the interest of honesty here, I must say that I only just moments before the show looked those pictures up, and the ones I saw weren't terribly pornographic. They were tasteless, yes, but half of the girls here tonight are wearing dresses that reveal more than that. I didn't see the nude ones, nor do I particularly want to, but in any case, I imagine most of the people who are attacking her have probably had sex at some point in their lives, themselves, so y'know, just because a girl isn't crafty enough to keep her photos offline, don't hate too much. Now...on to the performance: Looking at her here, I can't really say that I would want to actively search out naked pics of her online, and her voice sure isn't going to make me want much else either. This song is dull and has about a three note range. There's not enough melisma in the world to save this, especially when she flats out on the money runs. Oh Toni, I'm being kind here because you've had a rough week, but you're making it difficult for me. Corinne Bailey Rae is a hard act to imitate, and I don't believe Antonella in this song. Randy thought she was bland. Paula is having Opposite Day, where bad is good and good is bad. Simon is speechless trying to follow Pauler. He thinks she's pretty much done with the competition. He praises her for putting up with a lot of bad press. Wow, that is the most cutting comment I think I've ever heard Simon say. "I wish you could sing better." Ouch. Ryan rubs salt and lemon into the wound, and Antonella freely admits that she's the worst one up there, but then gets kind of huffy about it. C'mon Antonella...all the pressure from the media this week, and you're going to let THIS conversation make you lose your stuff? Hold it together. Unfortunately, the only thing that will save her tonight is the pity vote. Or an act of Congress.

Haley Scarnato is up next. She was a gymnast until her body wore out. What is she, 80? I guess she'll just have to stand on stage and do NOTHING. Talk about robotic...this is the very definition of it. I wonder if she'll go do the Jetsons' dishes when she's done singing. The backup vocalists are overpowering this weak rendition of Faith Hill. Note to future Idols: Faith Hill songs are death sentences on this show. Ask Lindsey Cardinale. Haley sort of stutter-steps around the stage, occasionally sticks her hand in the air in a half-hearted attempt to make us believe that she's actually understanding the lyrics, and basically does as little as possible to JUST GET BY. Randy squints and dances around the "it sucked" judgment. Paula gives her just enough praise to get by, because again Paula has her values in reverse order today. Haley just stands there, expressionless, because someone forgot to flip the switch and turn her on. Simon thought it was horrible. He can't remember her name, and that speaks volumes to the impact that she's NOT made this year. How do you get to this point of this kind of competition and care so little? And Haley sums up exactly what is wrong much more eloquently than I did. "I've gotten bad reviews each time," she says. "But I have to keep clocking in and clocking out. I've got to keep doing my job." THAT'S the problem, Haley!!! You're just punching in and doing some routine. What you SHOULD be doing is taking the stage by storm, man-handling the microphone, and singing the CRAP out of it, because this could very well be your very LAST major audition EVER! Ryan gives her the "oh you silly child" look, and you just know that he knows she shouldn't have ever said that. She wants off the stage really badly, so America, I say we don't let her back on.

Stephanie Edwards was a cute kid. As for the performance, she starts off really nicely. It's really hard to type when all I want to do is just sit here and enjoy this song. This is miles and miles better than anything we've heard previously tonight. I'd buy her CD. Yes ma'am. Randy was comparing her to Chaka Khan in his head. I wasn't. Paula thought she was flawless. I hate it when I agree with Paula. Who will Simon side with? Simon thinks she is one of the best of the females, exhorts her to explore her originality while singing someone else's songs, and reckons that she'll make it on to the next round.

Now it's time for Lakisha, and I promise tonight to only judge her performance, not the abandoned child thing. Much. Lakisha is terrified of animals, and I'm terrified of that hat she's wearing. It appears to be chewing on her hair. Lakisha is singing "I Have Nothing," as made popular by Whitney Houston. I'm bored with this. Whitney songs are so very "talent show/karaoke bar" anyway. Lakisha's singing is okay, but I'm not moved by this the same way I was moved by Stephanie. Randy doesn't think it was a great performance, but it was a great performance. Hmmm. I wonder if they'll ever publish an English-to-Idol-Judge Dictionary for the rest of us to be able to understand what the flying flip these cats are talking about. Paula loves her and the Chianti in her soda glass. Simon thinks she brought passion. Unfortunately she spent it all trying not to send the seams in that dress flying off at about 90 mph. Simon thinks she looks beautiful. I, on the other hand, thought she sort of looked like she was wearing a Hefty Cinch Sack garbage bag, but I mean, I guess she had to have something to go with that wig that she borrowed from the Paris Bennett collection.

The girls all throw pillows at Ryan, which causes him to be visibly uncomfortable, because he hasn't had this done to him since the last time he was in a dodgy bath-house in San Francisco. Not saying that Ryan is gay, mind you. He was doing the plumbing work. Yeah. That's the ticket.

It's nice to know that Antonella picked out the sluttiest outfit she could possibly find. Way to quell those rumors about you being a ho, picture-chick.

And now, on to some quality, in the form of Gina Glocksen, and her terminally unkempt hair. I still heart her mightily. Gina is just "hanging out." The rest of them look like they're standing in line at a firing squad, yet Gina is standing there, looking for all the world like she's ordering a six-pack and a Big Mac, rather than auditioning for the best job of her life. She looks tons better in the interview package, and she shows us her lucky charms--a miniature version of Phil Stacy and a pickle. Oh wait, that's a troll. My bad. I hope she's holding one of them, because she's gonna try to rock out with an Evanescence song, and that ain't easy, cheesy. I'm buying it, but it's not a good idea to try to copy an otherworldly talented harpy like Amy Lee when you're more of a screaming rock chick. She tuckers out about half way through. Nice tongue ring, Gina, didn't notice that before. Where Amy's operatic voice would pierce your soul, Gina just rocks your boxers. Still I like her. She's got that Nikki McKibbin "can't quite sing, but still rocks my butt off" thing going on. Randy praises her for owning herself. Paula is a little less intoxicated tonight, still stutters, and eventually coughs out some praise. Simon thinks she enjoyed it, and it appears he did as well. Gina did what she should have done, and I want to see her in the Top 12. Poor Ryan...Gina looks like she could choke slam him and his black suit if he ever really irritated her. Gina's boyfriend is either wearing the pickle on his shirt or needs a giant Kleenex.

Give me some Melinda Doolittle already! Melinda has OCD. I'm cool with that, as long as she obsessively, compulsively rocks my world with her singing. I'm not digging the dress, but dang that girl can sing! Yes! Yes yes yes yes. This is what I turned the TV on for. Sing it to me, Melinda! I love her. L-O-V-E. Randy gives her the "Yo Factor" and sings her praises. He says she's ready to hit the studio already, and I'm so down with it. Paula gushes appropriately. Simon calls her a "little tiger," and he loves her with every fiber of his eternal soul. Cancel the competition with the girls, because Melinda is the winner. Go vote for her.

I'm keeping Melinda, Stephanie, Gina and Jordin. For some stupid reason, I feel sure that Lakisha's fan base will keep her alive one more week. I think Sabrina, Antonella, and Haley are the most likely candidates for getting the boot tomorrow.

At least we get to see Carrie Underwood tomorrow!