American Idol 6: Top 12 Results!

Well, tonight's the night for results. I'm a little late to the blogging tonight, but you know you sat up waiting for me. If there is any justice in the world, Sanjaya will be taking the long plane ride home. On the other hand, there are those that I wouldn't cry over losing, so let's just see where this ride takes us, shall we?

Okay, so, this is half hour show, and I don't know WHAT I'll do with all my free time after. This is such a break after 2 hour, Lord-of-the-Rings-length episodes. So...enough with my babbling...on with the show!

Do you ever wonder if maybe this group of contestants are just... well... what we have left? I know several of them have auditioned and not made it in years past. So have we possibly depleted the talent pool and come down now to the second stringers? It's an interesting theory. To quote Jeff Foxworthy: it's like a midget using mouthwash. Who would know?

The Glockstars are in the house. I honestly don't understand the goofy names these fan groups give themselves. (The Fantonellas? Cut me a break.) I understand fandom. Heck, I owe Idol fans most of the traffic I get on my website and net radio show. But these names just scream geek to me.

Simon is here and his shirt is unbuttoned all the way down to his kneecaps, exposing more hair than Diana Ross has ever bought to put on her head. Another recap of people forgetting their words. We talked about all this last night, so rewind the blog if you need to catch up. Better yet, spare yourself and just take my word for it. You'll thank me later.

Even the show is recognizing Melinda as the front-runner. Can we end the competition early?

Ryan shaved. Wow. I guess with all that money, he could afford the industrial-strength razor. For someone who seems to get five o'clock shadow at six in the morning, this is the cleanest I remember him being.

During the group number, Chris squints a lot, even though that might possibly be from the glare off of Phil's head. You know what? This just flat out sucks. I couldn't possibly be left any colder by this montage if I were sitting in an igloo in Antarctica with the fridge door open and the fan on. For some reason, all these Idol hopefuls are boring the crap out of me. If we could eliminate everybody but Jordin and Melinda tonight, have the finale next week, and get off early so I could concentrate solely on 24, I'd be okay with it. Just as long as somebody got Gina a recording contract on the side.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the retarded Ford Commercials disguised as videos. By the way, just because you put a little MTV-esque Chyron text in the corner, it doesn't mean it's really a video. Oh well, Ford sells automobiles, and Idol pays some bills. Thankfully it's over quickly.

Time to narrow it down to those with the lowest number of votes.

Lakisha stands first, and it's not a big shock that she's safe. Thankfully, she left her shower curtain at home today instead of wearing it.

Gina is also safe. Rock on!

Brandon might not be safe. And he is in the bottom three. Y'know, there's something about him that you just have to like. I kind of want to go fishing with him or something.

Jordin is more safe than Brinks.

Chris Richardson is safe, and I get to make fun of him next week. And it will be all too easy. All he has to do is squint and squat like he's constipated. It'll happen.

Melinda better be safe, or else I will never watch Idol again until after the next commercial break. She is.

Phil should be safe, but nobody likes him, so he'll be in the bottom three.

Chris Sligh put the glasses back on, and he sees his way through to another week.

Stephanie Edwards, the Jan Brady of the bunch, is safe.

Blake's safe. Duh. Gotta leave the obvious losers to fight it out for the next slot.

Haley and Sanjaya are left, and gee wonder which one it is?

We won't know which one is going home till after the break, though. Corporate animals, these Idol people.

It's time for the American Idol Challenge. I wonder if it will be as ridiculously simple as last week. Which Idol did Simon pick to sell more albums than any others? They gave this answer away last week. It ain't Taylor, that's for darned sure. Kelly would be a distracting choice, but it's Carrie who drew such deserved praise from Simon.

And now it's time for Treebeard the Ent to sing. I see Diana got Ace Hardware to design her face. I wonder if you could measure exactly how many feet that skin has been stretched with each facelift? I'm not saying Diana's old, but there's this hooded guy with a scythe that keeps peeping around from the back of the stage. She hobbles over to Melinda to give her the additional camera time she needs to completely lock down the competition. This song is okay, if you like lots of sharp notes. Paula stands and gives her an ovation, because she has to keep it up for her sisters in AARP. Diana stands up there after it is blessedly over, repeating word for word everything that Ryan says, up until the point that Ryan baits her with his sophomoric "who's going home" question that nobody in their right mind will ever answer. I mean, hey, would you? Would you want to have been the one that said Jennifer Hudson or Chris Daughtry was going home? One more break. Grrr.

Time to (Sanjaya) round out (Sanjaya) the bottom three (Sanjaya) with whom? Haley sits down. Oh my! It's Sanjaya! I never saw that coming!

One goes back to safety. Phil Stacey gets to hug his brothers and go back to the seat. You see how it's all guys in the bottom three, right? Now, it's down to Brandon and Sanjaya. Who (Sanjaya) will (Sanjaya) go home (Sanjaya) please???

What???

Brandon goes home?

YOU RETARDS.

On top of that, I like this Daughtry song, but I'm afraid I might hate it once they finish beating it into the ground this year.

Alright, that's enough for tonight. See ya tomorrow with a review of Jon Peter Lewis's album and on Friday with an interview with him.