American Idol 6: RESULTS: 9 Contestants Will Remain

Final impressions from last night: Chicken-Headed Sanjaya vs. RoboHaley - UGH, I'm undecided. On the one hand, Sanjaya really needs to go so that this can be a serious competition. On the other hand, Haley gets on my nerves, and Sanjaya is a wealth of comedic whimsy.

Well, we'll all know the answer (and hope that Dial Idol was wrong about Chris Sligh) within the next 30 minutes.

The Best of the Rest are going home one at a time, and Ryan feels the need to muse on which hair-don't Sanjaya will choose to sport. Hopefully it's not one wherein he might be used to feather dust the set after the show. As it turns out, that look has been passed on to Ryan, who comes out in a wig that looks slightly less ridiculous on him than it did on Sanjaya. Seriously...Brandon, Sundance, and countless others are sitting at home and this bozo Sanjaya is still here?????

I heard that Antonella's fans had moved to the "Fanjaya" camp. Extra credit if you can remember who Antonella is. I know I had to stop for a moment, and then I had that "oh yeah, HER" moment. Fame! Such a fickle beast. I hope Sanjaya can enjoy that ever so healing feel of obscurity soon.

Also, "Fanjaya"??????? If you willingly call yourself that, you deserve the countless wedgies and swirlies that you undoubtedly are the recipient of on a daily basis within the bathrooms of whatever low-grade public education facility you attend.

I'm bored with the recap already. C'mon, it's not like everybody developed a case of short-term amnesia and forgot the rancid mess that was last night's show. Well, rancid mess save for a couple of shining stars. I still heart Gina, Melinda, and Jordin mightily. As for the guys...sorry I don't care for any of them except possibly Blake and Chris Sligh. Unfortunately, Chris Sligh is tanking on me like a White Star liner in a glacier trail at the moment. Looking to the future, though, I don't for a moment imagine that Sanjaya is going home, unfortunately, so we will get to see one more talented person get shafted so this clown can go further.

The Car-mercial disguised as a music video is slickly produced, but this year's ensemble sounds SO much like a Kidz Bop CD.

Time to reveal the bottom three: Blake is safe. Lakisha was predicted to be safe, and she is. Phil, whose hat continues to consume his ears, is in the bottom three, which only goes to prove that having a stellar night like last night still isn't enough if people hate you worse than lip fungus.

Melinda is safe. Duh. Chris Richardson is not in the bottom two this week. Sanjaya... OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE... holeeeeee....he didn't even make the bottom three?????? My wife just threw a shoe at the TV. I think she's being kind. Suddenly, I understand what the French knight felt in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when he said "I fart in your general direction."

Haley is most definitely in the bottom three, and she just exudes snottiness from every pore. She all but flips off the camera and stomps and pouts down to the Circle of Doom. Stupid voters, like fer sher, gross out gag me with a spoon. No hope of Sunny going home this week, so BYE BYE Haley, I hope.

Jordin is safe. Chris Sligh or Gina will be in the bottom three, and we won't find out which (Chris) until after this whole shindig. Don't sweat it, Gina. You're good to go.

Janet James won last week's American Idol challenge. Well met, Janet. And now it's time for this week's Challenge. Which of these Birmingham Idols were called the Velvet Teddy Bear. Hmmm... how about which one resembles a bear the most? Ruben. You'd sort of have to be Challenged yourself to not at least make an educated guess.

Gwen Stefani and Akon take the stage. I'm not a fan of Gwen's newer music, I must admit. No Doubt was a good band, but ever since Gwen thought it would be cool to turn into a cheesy pop diva, I've sort of jumped off the Stefani bandwagon. Gwen was dressed by Haley tonight, apparently. I would swear this isn't a true live performance. Wanna bet on whether or not the vocals were pre-recorded? Her lips aren't exactly synching up with the sound, sort of like a badly dubbed Japanese movie. If a big plastic dinosaur came out from stage left and started destroying a miniature Tokyo, it would feel right at home. It's good to know that Akon could take time out of his busy schedule to do a bunch of "woohoos" and "yeehoos" for this. Thousands of dollars for five minutes of that. I really need to talk to my high school guidance counselor and ask him why he didn't tell me about these kinds of career opportunities. Not a big fan of the song. But hey, Gwen gets to plug her tour, and all is happy within the music world. Well, at least until next week, when we're down one more talent and have to listen to a longer Sanjaya performance because of it.

Time for the third person in the Bottom Tres. Chris is in the bottom three. I hope for Haley to go, would accept Phil, and am afraid it's Chris taking the long flight back to South Carolina.

Haley gets to stay in the bottom two whilst Phil returns to the fold. Randy thinks it's too tough to call. Paula is equally noncommital. Simon thinks it's bye bye curly...and both of them have curls. Hmm...if he'd said "bye bye legs," we'd have known for sure. The camera guy thinks it's Chris.

The camera guy is right. Haley is safe, and Chris Sligh goes home. My wife, who is laying in bed sick, throws her tissue box across the room.

Rumor has it that Chris has been facing tough times at home, and speculation exists that he might've wanted out of the competition. Well, it's a moot point now, because he's outta there.

I feel a bit deflated now. You voters are out of your minds. I'm going to go listen to my Half Past Forever CD.

Here's a clip of the SNL parody of Sanjaya to soothe your senses of justice just a bit: