AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 35: TOP 5 RESULTS!!

It's time for another Idol to go home, as we cut five down to four.

First off, to sum up the Idols in just a few words:
Katharine: hot, sexy, slipping
Paris: young, fun, precocious, occasionally obnoxious
Elliott: great singer, talented, no personality, uglier than a shaved goat's left butt cheek
Taylor: spastic, energetic, engaging, has less talent than stage presence
Chris: loud, decent vocalist, no range, and little charisma

Now that that's said, on with the show.

Carmen Electra's in the audience. 45.5 million votes came in last night (almost) and everybody rejoices. The judges are seated again. Randy boos him in the most tired joke of the year. The Idols are seated. Chris is feeling well. Taylor feels that everybody is incredibly talented, and he extols the virtues of everybody else, while admitting he still wants to beat all their butts. Kat addresses her colossal failure at her first song last night and admits to cracking under pressure. Not a good foundation to lay for superstardom. Paris is made hyper by everyone. Elliott sees himself in a pool of his own sweat on the Kodak stage for the finale.

It's time for the group number, and Elliott and Ryan spar on stage. After levelling Ryan with a flying dragon kick, Elliott retreats stage left, and the group performance begins.

Okay, if Chris had been singing this way the entire competition, I would've been REALLY singing his praises. I thought he opened this song out rather well, and I would've sat and listened to him sing it solo. Taylor chimes in rather well also, and I like the Kenny Rogers-ness of his voice tonight. Seriously. That's the Taylor I like. After the depth and throatiness of Chris and Taylor, Kat sounds kinda tight and screechy. It's not that she's not delivering well vocally; rather, it's just that that particular vocal feels out of place with the rest of them. On her own, she sounds fairly good. Elliott's solo sounds great, and I expect nothing but greatness out of him from now on. Even Paris sounds luscious on her solo.

Now that being said, these Idols do NOT sing well together, and I suspect that may be the reason for a shortage of group numbers this year. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: they just sort of sound like the Kidz Bop singers when they all get together. And it doesn't help that when the legion of backup singers come out on stage, you can just barely hear the Idols' voices at all.

After the break, we divide and conquer...

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Hey, that IS Kelly Clarkson's voice on that Ford commercial. Wow, haven't heard that song before. Please let it mean that we'll be getting a new CD soon

And now on the "music video" (read: another Ford commercial.) They're chasing another yippy dog. That Pickler just won't go home, will she? Bizarre wardrobes don't really help it much. There's Paris looking a drag queen Tina Turner impersonator, Elliott looking like he just escaped from LeBron James fantasy camp, Chris looking like...something. Kat in the least flattering skanky dress she could come up. And Taylor looking like a reject from Gwar. I just have a problem with these "music videos" fundamentally, because they are not-so-thinly veiled commercials packaged as videos, and it's just such an insidious marketing thing. I realize that Ford dumps a lot of money into this advertising, but it's just so dishonest in so many ways. I wouldn't care if these were played during the traditional commercial breaks, like the Kelly Clarkson Ford commercial, but they come into play in the actual show itself, such that people actually don't feel like they are commercials. Add that to the fact that we already have more commercials during Idol than any other show on network television, and I'm just weary of it.

The fans say that Paula is the best judge. Sheeeeeesh!! Well go figure, Paula is nice to everybody, therefore she's not going to offend any fans. I've noticed this about you fans out there. Especially with these recaps. If somebody says something nice about your favorite contestant, you slather them with great comments about how smart they are and how wonderful the recap is. If they're actually honest, like Simon, you boohoo and insult them. The truth is, if Taylor got up and made a big poo on the stage, Paula would ooh and aah over it, compliment his fashion, say how much she loved him, and NEVER SAY ONE WORD about any notes he missed or any bad things about the performance. She's the encapsulation of what is wrong with the country today. It has become against some unwritten law to ever say that anything is bad.

We get a recap of the performance last night. You all know how I feel. C'mon folks, this is the Top 5. You have to bring your A game and leave it all on stage every night, and none of the contestants really did that.

I honestly don't have much to say. These contestants are boring me.

Lots of time being killed tonight.

Holy cow, they're coming to Memphis! When are they going to be at Graceland, again? Wow...meeting Tommy Mottola. He couldn't come to L.A.?

Taylor Hicks is safe. The Soul Patrol did their job.

Chris Daughtry is safe because it's way too early in the show.

Paris Bennett should be going home. She's in the bottom two. Ryan asks Paris to sing, and she, ever the classy one, reaches into her mouth and pulls her gum out, sticking it in Ryan's palm, much to his obvious horror. While Ryan rushes off-stage to slather his hands with Purell, Paris breaks into the song that solidified her bottom two bid. See last night's recap for the reasons why this sucks. Seacrest gets up on stage to bust a move with her. Don't know which is scarier, Paris's singing or Seacrest getting jiggy wit it.

After the break, we'll find out who else is in the bottom two.

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Elliott Yamin doesn't deserve to be there, but he is.

Katharine McPhee deserves to be there, because she totally tanked last night. Kat is safe, and she is just as surprised as we are. Gotta love a hefty fan base, don't ya? Just remember the Pickler Principle. If you stink it up next week, even your fan base won't save you.

Elliott sings "Broadway" again. Kat has this downcast look on her face, even though she's dancing, probably because she knows that she deserved to be there and feels just the slightest bit guilty (or possibly relieved.) Either way, she looks like she was expecting to go home.

So it's between Paris and Elliott, and we have like thirty seconds left, so get to it, Seacrest. Elliott is safe, and Paris, as predicted, is going home. She's smiling to keep from crying, and we get a look at Paris's first audition again. That one performance, if she'd kept doing it over and over again, would've kept her alive. I was hoping at first that they'd forego the "Bad Day" anthem, but alas, we're to suffer through that song yet again.

Am I sad about this? No. I haven't been sad about an elimination since Ayla left us. But check back with me, dawg. I'll have a recap of the movie American Dreamz and quite possibly some more Idol interviews and other non-Idol stuff.