AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 33: TOP 6 RESULTS!!

It's time for results, and the Top 6 will soon be 5! To paraphrase Seacrest, last night was all about romance. Who left you hot (Kat)? Who left you cold (Taylor)? And who made you want to fire a rocket-propelled grenade into your television set (Pickler)? It's time to sit back and bask in the gloriousness of yet another person going home!

It was a record breaking vote last night with 47.5 million, none of which were for Kellie. I just love that she did so bad that people almost literally mailed themselves into Fox studios to vote for her competitors. Ryan introduces us to the firing squad, and there's the big har-har joke about them being emotional that only Ryan thought was funny. The judges ham it up accordingly. Apparently there were a lot of complaints called in to Fox last night about Cowell being unfair to one of the contestants, because apparently we are all a bunch of pouty-pants whiners, and Simon goes on record as apologizing to Katharine McPhee, saying she didn't get the right appraisal, not that it matters because the criticism most likely propelled her into the highest number of votes last night. Randy apologizes too, and Ryan asks for one from Paula, to which Paula rightly responds that she's never been harsh, not even when she was chucking Emilio Estevez's stuff out the window onto Fifth Avenue. Then they clear up the Paula/Ryan feud thing, because let's face it, both of them are millionaires, and the drama ain't exactly payin' the bills.

It's time for a recap of the performances last night. We re-meet producer/schmuck David Foster and his sidekick Andrea Bocelli, who pretty much was just there for cute little quips and to do duets with Kat. I like Andrea, but David really needs to make his kids behave before trying to fix this lot. Kat's dad cries, but the judges do their now-apologized-for ripping, Paris squeaks by, Elliott wails and makes Paula wail in a different way, Kellie sucked on ice, Taylor clenched, and Chris brought all the women to their knees.

Ryan gins up the whole image of the judges/dysfunctional family. You know how it is. You have the stern father, Simon, who is relentlessly cruel and critical. Then you have the drunken mother, Paula, who is about as dependable as getting a signal on a T-Mobile phone and who cries constantly. Then there's funny old Uncle Randy who is just sort of there to make sure nobody kills each other.

I'm glad I wasn't raised by American Idol judges.

After the break, and Lisa's O.C. commercial, we'll see Andrea Bocelli perform.

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There's the Ford commercial first, and it's sort of a riff on last week's with all the graphics. The Idols chase a little yippy dog (probably thinking it's Kellie.) Once again, they rip up a song that used to be great, making it sound like it comes off a Kidz Bop CD.

Now it's time for Foster/Bocelli to perform. I have nothing against blind people. One of my best buddies is blind. And Andrea is so sweet! But please, put on the shades. Half the time he just looks cross-eyed, and the rest of the time he just blinks like a madman. Bocelli performs "Because We Believe." It's some nice singing. I would say, though, that any blind performer should avoid lyrics like "when we close our eyes," because it just calls to mind all the wrong things. I'm sorry that I seem so critical, because I am genuinely enjoying his performance, but as has been said many times here, part of being an entertainer is to not have an off-putting performance!

Bocelli wraps it up, and Pickler does her usual and hogs him and the camera all up. When she's finally pried off by the other contestants, one of whom had to use a blowtorch, she stands behind Seacrest to keep us looking at her goofy mug.

Lisa Tucker in da house, cuz she's gotta pimp her spot on the OC. It's good to see her getting some love.

It's time to split into three groups. The first group is Katharine and Chris. The second group is Elliott and Taylor. Gotta be the top 2. The third group is Kellie and Paris. These are the bottom two if I've ever seen the bottom two. Which is which?

Elliott and Taylor are safe, and Pickler hugs the crap out of both of them, tries to cling on to them and starts to get dragged back to the couches until Ryan Seacrest throws a lasso around her and makes her stay onstage. Which group is in danger? Pickler and Paris know.

After the break, so will you!

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I'd rather burn down my house than watch Unanimous. I'm just sayin'.

Chris and Kat sit. Major duh. Wow, shocker, Chris and Kat got the highest number of votes!

Okay time for a quick voodoo dance in hopes of seeing Kellie go home. Oh THANK YOU GOODNESS!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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WAAAAAHOOOO!!!! I'm so happy! I can't even bother with the recap of EVERY ONE of Kellie's goofy moments. It's official. I don't care who wins anymore now that Pickler is gone home! See you next week for a nasal-free evening!