AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 32: TOP 6 PERFORM!!

It's time again for American Idol, and this week we get the "greatest love songs of all time." Lovely. I have my pillow and blanket ready, in case an attack of narcolepsy sets in.

So Ace is gone now. I sort of hated it for him, but then I saw him singing on Live With Regis & Kelly the other day, which I watch because Kelly Ripa is unbelievably hot and obviously of alien origin, since no actual human can have that many babies and look as though a man had never touched her. But I digress. Ace was singing an alleged song on the show, and he chose to sing it ENTIRELY in falsetto. I wanted to set myself on fire. I no longer regret his elimination.

Also this week, I talked to several Idol contestants, and most of them do like Kellie Pickler, and they say that she's honestly that way in real life. So you heard it here first, Kellie really is that dense.

So now it's down to six, and here we go!

(live blogging, keep refreshing!!)

Since Idol is all about advertising, I just want you to know that I am currently sustaining myself with a bag of delicious Cheetos and a can of Vault Zero. It just doesn't get much better than that.

I'm really glad that Seacrest isn't blonde anymore. I was getting tired of being accused of looking just like him. Of course that only happened when I visited the school for the blind. Woohoo, Stevie Scott is in the house! Hey Stevie! Love ya!

Ryan introduces the judges by accusing Randy and Simon of being heartthrobs. Somebody tell me why Randy always leads the booing of Simon? To be honest, it more sounds like he's mooing instead of booing.

Ryan introduces Andrea Bocelli and following that, Celine Dion says that if God had a voice, it would be Bocelli's. We cut away from that before the lightning strike that Dion has been overdue for. Also on the show is David Foster who on top of having written many many love songs, is also, with all due respect, a complete snot. I would probably like Hitler after putting him next to Foster. The Idols watch Andrea work, and for the first time Kat McPhee looks interested in the celebrity guest. David says something snotty about how if you can't cut it in his studio, you're just out and he has no time for you. News flash, Foster: people have been making fun of your songs forever.

Kellie does something stupid. You're shocked, I know. She falls to her knees. Make your own joke.

I had forgotten that Bocelli is blind. I have to admit, I like his personality.

Katharine McPhee is up first, and she is singing David Foster's "I Have Nothing," as done by Whitney Houston. I absolutely adored it when she and Bocelli were doing that operatic duet. This may be Kat's niche. While working with David, she sounds Pickler-esque nasal. But up on stage, she's beautiful and her voice is amazing. She tries to hold back that smile, but it keeps beating through her jaws and emerging at will. This is almost a Kelly Clarkson-calibre performance that she's pulling off tonight. Randy thinks it was a good song choice but that it was too big for her. Huh?? He says it didn't come close. Paula's mic isn't working and her audio is coming through either Simon or Randy's mic. Of course she picks that time to talk forever. She says it's not good, and as she rambles on, Kat looks impatient. Simon says that by singing that song she is saying that she is as good as Whitney, which Simon vehemently disagrees with. If I were Kat, I would feel complimented by being compared unfavorably to that over-rated crackhead. That's not such a bad thing. Kat's first big de-pimping. Ryan actually said that those with their audio muted would probably vote, which he didn't mean as an insult, but it sort of came out that way. Wow. BIG de-pimping.

After the break, Elliott...

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Elliott Yamin is inarticulate about something for a looooooong time. Love ya, Ell's Bells, but keep it shorter. He's singing a Donnie Hathaway song. Bocelli thinks he knows the song well, but Foster has something crappy to say. Elliott is getting de-pimped! I like Elliott's hair this week. I know that's random, but it's good stuff. And vocally, sheesh, this is how it's done, baby! Forget David Foster. If they say something about his personality this time, I won't for the life of me know why. Simon appears to be looking elsewhere, though he may be simply trying to listen to the voice without the visual influence. Elliott, buddy, you knocked it out of the park with this one. Love it! Love it! Kevin Nealon's in the audience! Randy hated the arrangement, but says that Elliott is "dope" and "da bomb." Paula is crying. I mean seriously crying. Near wailing crying. Crying like somebody was dragging her off to detox while she was in full DT's. Wow. Simon finds it highly amusing. Simon says that it was a "vocal master class" and that it was superb. Excelsior! Ryan compares Paula's lachrimatics to Kat's dad, who always cries during her performances (thanks to Julie for clueing me in to that!)

After the break, Kellie the Nose...

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Kellie Pickler is wearing Paula's "Planet of the Apes" hairstyle. She goes through this whole huge scripted mess with Seacrest. Seriously, this ought to clue anyone in the industry in to the fact that Kellie cannot act. She bemoans the fact that she has no boyfriend, which I'm sure is meant to draw in all the teeny-bopper young males to vote. Oh, by the way, Kellie DID have a boyfriend all the way up to the moment that she got handed her golden ticket to Hollywood, at which point she dumped him like a bad habit. So don't feel TOO sorry for her. She rambled on about the movie Ghost, which I'm sure just came out in theaters in Albemarle. This is a cheap segue into the fact that she's doing "Unchained Melody" which was in that movie. She doesn't have a pottery playmate. Could she shut up? And she couldn't be more scripted. She's doing the LeAnn Rimes version tonight, and I'll pause while you pick yourself up off the floor from that shock. Kellie passes off the best advice she's given all year when she tells Bocelli and Foster to "get their ear plugs out." Kellie knows what "robotic" is. Wow. Foster says that Kellie's singing is impressive. Kellie says "it is?" and you can hear the audience groan audibly. I'm not making that up. I actually heard it through the speakers. Somebody in the mic booth has been forgetting to shut off microphones tonight. Kellie starts the song in the middle, and I've just realized that with this hairdo, she has a REALLY fat face. This is dull and boring and bland and sucky. Of course, given the fact that Kellie could murder the Queen of England on stage and still get people to call in for her, I can understand why she is putting little to no effort into this piece of crap performance. The money note that David Foster liked so much is like having hot burning Hell fire poured into my ears. Gross. Oh, and she didn't follow Foster's advice by staying on the note; she dropped it down, just like he asked her not to do in the coaching. Sela Ward's in the audience. Kellie puts on her "I just farted onstage" look. Randy doesn't like it. Wow, Paula doesn't like it either. Let's just say she ain't crying tonight. Paula actually says Kellie isn't great. Simon wanted to cry, and he thought the song was monotonous and never going to end. The music starts before Simon could finish ripping her a new one. Does anyone really care if the show runs over? On the flip side, the time running out is helpful to Kellie, because she no longer has time to say anything profoundly retarded.

After the break, Paris.

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Paris Bennett is going to be singing "The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand. Bocelli and Foster enjoy her performance. For the first time, Paris doesn't look hideous onstage. I think her vocals are pretty good, and I think the way she started out softly was great. I wish she wouldn't smile so much on such a bittersweet song. I remember being in chorus in college and getting the hideous advice from my trainer that I should smile all the time while singing, and it's just not the right way to go, because you have to connect emotionally to the song. I think a lot of vocal coaches make this mistake. But anyway, great job, Paris. I think you may have won me back over with this performance. Joely Fisher is the audience celebrity of the moment. Randy sort of likes it. Paula thinks she oversang it. Simon thinks it was old fashioned but a good vocal.

After the break, Taylor...

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Taylor Hicks is praised by Bocelli and Foster. A lot. He's singing "Just Once" and he starts off not quite hitting all the notes. His hand motions just look forced, as though he's just not used to standing still. This song doesn't give him the freedom to control the stage the way he wants to. Vocally, he's the most unstable I've ever heard him. This isn't good for me at all. Taylor is yet again standing as if he's clenching back a particularly urgent number 2. I just want to toss him a roll of Charmin and have him come back later. Randy didn't like it at all. He's really not having it. Paula feels free to criticize as well, since Randy broke the ice. She does say that he looks nice, though. Simon compares it to a lounge performance, and the audience does NOT boo, because you can't argue with that tonight. Paula drowns him out for whatever the reason. Not a good night for Taylor.

After the break, Chris...

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Chris Daughtry is going to be singing Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman." Foster thinks Chris sings from his throat rather than his diaphragm. Obviously he missed this diagnosis with Kellie the Nose. Chris sings while laying down. Wish he'd do that every week! Wow, Chris broke out the suit and sport coat tonight, which makes him look like a women's roll-on deodorant, but it's at least classy. This is the second week in a row for Chris to sing a subdued song. I like it mostly, but again, he starts to lose it in the higher register. It turns into a rock song halfway through. Still, I think Chris has done an excellent job with this performance. Randy likes it, Paula likes it, and Simon likes it. That's all the time we have, because we are milliseconds from running over time.

Did anyone catch what was said during the recap when someone forgot to kill Seacrest and Daughtry's mics? I couldn't hear it for Kellie's shrieking.

MY PREDICTIONS:

Finally, a night where there are stand-outs. Usually the Idols synchronize themselves and either all suck or rock.

Who is safe (but still vote for them!): Elliott Yamin, Paris Bennett, and Chris Daughtry

Who is not safe: Katharine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, and Kellie Pickler

Who should go home, if all was right with the world: Kellie Pickler

Who will probably go home, because Pickler is immune from just about everything: Katharine

We'll be back tomorrow for results!