Sunday, August 20, 2006

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2006 (or "3 Hours in Hell That Would've Been Better Spent Watching the Indianapolis Colts Get Spanked By the Seahawks")

Somebody must've given Dane Cook a HUGE check to do this award show. What a large pile of AWFUL. All I can say, having watched it, is "God help the kids." Seriously, I hope you kids out there have a bit more depth than this. I've seen jar lids that aren't as shallow.

Jessica Simpson is so vacuous that small particles have been orbiting her, and light keeps getting sucked into her ears.

For the most part, I really expected most of it to turn into an orgy onstage. Between the live performances and the half naked women in the hot tub, there was a TON of sex. I wouldn't be surprised if the teen birth rate went up by 200% immediately following this show. When it was over, I felt like I needed a cigarette.

It's really difficult to watch Dane, Nelly Furtado, and various others sell out like this. Nelly Furtado in particular. How awful that a truly original musician has had to resort to releasing Christina-Aguilera-reject songs where the booty shaking drowns out an incredible voice.

But I couldn't NOT watch, because the big selling point for this awards show was a "special" performance by Kevin Federline. Yes. Special. K-Fed. Special K-Fed. That's surprisingly apt. But I digress. How do you sell a show by having as your centerpiece the biggest punch line in all of pop culture??? Were they trying to attract the train wreck watching crowd?? I'm not a teen anymore. Can somebody tell me if Special K-Fed is a huge draw in the pre-college demographic? Does his "world television premiere" really warrant all this?

I did like Jessica Alba's appearance on the show. I would like Jessica Alba if she was sitting in the corner doing a crossword puzzle, but that's irrelevant. She won the award for "Choice Hottie," but she reminded the kids that it's all about what's inside you and being yourself, and then thanked her photo airbrushers and the manicurists who scrape the ash off her elbows. Gotta love her. And I'm totally serious about that.

Then there was the award given to the autistic kid who drained six threes in a row in that one high school basketball game. You all heard about it. That was classy. And that's about it for anything resembling decorum.

Thankfully, there were commercials, otherwise I'd have hated the show for making me miss football. I already hated it for making me listen to Brooke Hogan speechifying on and on and on and on for winning the award for "Choice Grill" and yes, it's the bling on your teeth kind of grill, not the kind you cook steaks on. That an award like that even exists should be cause enough for someone to be executed. I give credit to Jensen Ackles of Supernatural, though, because he looked just as annoyed to be presenting the award as I was to be watching it.

I'm never letting my kids watch the Disney Channel. Ever. They might start liking people with obviously made-up names like "Zac Efron."

Paula Abdul couldn't manage to get through an award presentation without insulting Simon. Folks, the one trick pony has performed its trick. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Show's over.

Please PLEASE let Special K-Fed perform "Popozao." I want to make fun of that one more time.

Leave it to Britney Spears to come out with her pregnant self in a low cut strappy thing, looking for all the world like a side of beef. And we're not talking about the lean cut either. The only way this chick will ever have class is if she signs up for night school. Somebody call Elvira and let her know her hair has been found. Oh well, I'm pretty much thinking out of all the celebs that were on the show tonight, Witless Britness is probably the only one who would debase herself enough to introduce this classless buffoon.

Well it wasn't Popozao, but it was some kid who won't ever have a normal life pretending to be K-Fed. Then the real Special K-Fed got up from a piano that he obviously wouldn't have a clue how to play and started growling again into the microphone. Who told Special K-Fed that he could rhyme? He claimed to be a superstar in his song. Hmm...aren't superstars able to find distribution deals? Who's distributing your CD, K-Dead? It's telling that he bears more than a passing resemblance to Vanilla Ice. Anybody else would have to put in overtime to be that much of a douche. Fortunately, he got bleeped out a lot, and the quiet moments were the most cherished. Your Ferrari, Mr. Spears? Your tax bracket??? Don't you mean HERS? You guys know how people make fun of NKOTB, Color Me Badd, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli, and stuff like that? K-Fed will be in that elite club in no more than five years, if not sooner.

Kids, if you buy a Kevin Federline CD, you get to go to the Dork Club, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Line up outside the door, and your atomic wedgies will be administered in short order.

Whew... still time to watch the fourth quarter.

4 Comments:

At 3:35 AM, Blogger Bathroom Hippo said...


I agree with you 100% about Nelly Furtado. The reason I liked her in the first place was she was rare. A modestly dressed and beautifully voiced woman in pop culture...Wow! But that latest song...I can't even listen to it...I hate where the world is going.

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

Thank you for this update. It reminds me I made the right choice for the evening :) One shot of the gals in the hot tub after seeing Nick L get his surfboard turned my stomach enough to keep me from even being curious again.

I hate that our teens are being fed to believe this crap is cool.

I'm so glad I didn't miss anything.

By the way: Shaun Alexander rocks! :)

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Jordan said...

I too thought the show was a piece of garbage, except that I thought Jessica was surprisingly charming...not as stilted and awkward as I was expecting.

Oh yeah, and the reason I actually commented was that Vanilla Ice (love him or hate him) wrote most of his own songs (including the multi-platinum Ice Ice Baby at age 16) and is still touring with a heavier sound and look. He doesn't belong in the same category as Kept-Fed (catch that?), no matter what becomes of that talentless chump.

 
At 8:14 PM, Anonymous nonna said...

Hey...you could write back up for Simon Cowell...actually, you could BE the next Simon Cowell.....love you commentary....

 

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