Tuesday, May 30, 2006

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE MUSIC BUSINESS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE:

The bottom falls out of the sky.

Or in this case, the floozy finds her way into the recording booth.

Not content with having more money than the gross national product of Saudi Arabia, hotel-heiress/reality show sell-out Paris Hilton is preparing to release her debut album. Will someone please page the four horsemen of the Apocalypse? As far as I'm concerned, I much prefer the end of the world and all humanity to being subjected to this mess.

Hilton, a high-school drop-out and charm-school failure, will assault our ears with what she promises will be a mixture of reggae, hip-hop and pop. What, no death metal to round it out? I can sort of see the pop part, since she's already a pop culture icon. And most of the teen pop stars are clones of her in appearance anyway. But reggae? C'mon, Paris is about as rastafarian as Madonna is Catholic. And hip-hop? Is she gonna bust some rhymes about the street life? All the thuggin' she does up in the penthouse suite of whichever Hilton Hotel she chooses? Gross out, gag me with a spoon.

Her first single will be entitled "Stars Are Blind." I'd like to re-title it "Somebody at Warner Bros. Is Deaf."

She will also be doing a cover of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" (Answer: NO)

Paris also claims to have penned the lyrics to seven of the songs on her album. Actually, she originally claimed to have written eight, but she was later told that "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" had already been done by someone else. Expect these lyrics to have the intellectual fervor of a Barney episode. Scratch that, Barney's too high-minded for our Miss Hilton, whose IQ is steadily approaching that of gravy.

Paris claims to have overcome shyness in order to become a singer. Yeah. Shyness. So shy that she has one of the most downloaded sex videos on the internet. So extremely shy that she has posed nearly nude in almost every men's magazine. Shy enough that she has been mouthing off on THREE seasons of her reality show The Simple Life. Shy enough that she cannot be within 300 feet of a camera without diving in front of it like a pitbull chasing after a steak.

Says Paris: "I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most."

Well, if she's found a talent, it will be the first we've heard of it.

Her single will hit the streets this month. It is being released by Warner Records and Paris's own label--prepare to snicker--Heiress Records. I'm sorry, this is all just too easy.

Please, somebody put a good album out to balance out the universe!!

11 Comments:

At 11:55 PM, Blogger Bathroom Hippo said...



Dear God, Please...No.


 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger bad kitty said...

Are you sure it's not being done in the ironic sense (a la William Hung)?

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger Sailorcurt said...

Just one question: Has she recently excaped from a concentration camp? Are women ever going to figure out that men (in general) don't like women to look like they are on the verge of starvation? (OK, that's two questions) She is hideous in that photo.

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Ali said...

WOW! Maybe Paris & K-Fed can get together and record something! Ewwwwwwww........

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Michael said...

NewsFlash Paris Hilton to wed William Hung, after a brief encounter and finding out William is really Hung.

MOrning All .. JD have a great week.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Paris Hilton....how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

Ugh.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Dancewriter said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Dancewriter said...

J.D. Please stop! You're making me laugh out loud at work! People are going to wonder what I'm doing over here in my cubicle. . .

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

I saw the TMZ video of her singing Rod Stewart's, "Do You Think I'm Sexy" and shocker of all shockers... she sucked.

I'm liking the snark!

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Me said...

Will someone please explain to me HOW she became a pop culture icon in the first place? ICK.

 
At 1:54 AM, Blogger RC said...

NO!!! Say it isn't so!

Take her away and her little dog too.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

 

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