AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 41: THE FINALE!!

(I'll be catching up on the parts I missed during the commercial break...not live blogged...)

It's finale time!

Just a reminder...just because this show is over doesn't mean I will quit blogging. I hope those of you who came just for the American Idol recaps will stick around for more! I'll be doing some Idol stuff in the off-season, but I'll also be doing lots of other good stuff!

Okay, nobody on the pre-show is really interesting, so don't expect much of a recap on all that. Except for Peisha bragging about how Katharine is such a huge celebrity right now and that she has movie studios banging down her door. Yuck. I have never wanted to punch a woman in the mouth so badly. Peisha's dress shows just a BIT too much cleavage too.

And we start things off with Carrie Underwood who is singing alongside Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee. Taylor looks resplendent in his white tux. Kat sounds like dookie. Putting Kat up next to Carrie is like putting the retarded kid up against Michael Jordan in a game of Horse. And there are all the other Top 12 and background singers merging onstage in a cluster. I wish they'd all hush and let me hear my Carrie.

Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear are here to watch Ryan Seacrest name the new American Idol. Are they a thing now? Somebody who cares go find out for me.

Ryan paces the stage and asks who the American Idol should be. The audience almost unanimously shouts Taylor. There's a clip segment of Randy Jackson saying "dude" variously. I love Randy and all, but he is not much of an off-the-cuff speaker. Fantastic with a bass though. Now it's time for a retrospective on the drunken antics of Paula Abdul, set to Whitney Houston's "So Emotional." And now, the Simon Cowell version of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." Randy doesn't boo. I'm impressed. I love how dapper Randy is tonight.

Quick trip to Birmingham AL as hotties Becky and Jessie O'Donohue vie for more camera time. Jessie is one of the luckiest ones this year. She didn't have to perform once, but she is eating her up some camera.

Quick trip around the bend to Tamyra Gray at Universal Studios. Tamyra is looking quite good these days!

Paris Bennett is onstage now with her Jheri curl wig. Al Jarreau joins her onstage. I know she's dying. I would be. Al is awesome. Paris has been doing some work. I love how she sounds tonight; now if she'll just not talk afterward. I'm not sure why the lighting guys are projecting snowflakes onto the stage. I'd buy this single, though, if they put it out tomorrow. I'd buy anything with Al Jarreau on it.

Chris Daughtry gets to perform onstage with Live. Chris looks as nervous as I've seenhim this whole year, as though he can't believe he's onstage with them. I can totally understand how he feels. They sound pretty decent, even if Live is shooting their street cred in the butt by appearing on this show. They do look like they were separated at birth, except for the height differential. I doubt this song would inspire me to go buy a CD, no offense. The best part is that Chris sort of subdues his goat-esque vibrato.

I don't think Emily Deschanel is all that hot. Her sister Zooey is good looking though.

Kellie Pickler is here to remind us of the "calamari" fiasco. Ryan actually said that calamari almost gave her a brain hemmorhage. Wow. Harsh! Kellie gets to meet Wolfgang Puck to get educated on fine cuisine. She's rocking her new bob and doing her best to read the menu. Kellie puts on glasses and asks "do I look smart?" Oh dear...no...no you don't. Kellie is dumbfounded by eating escargot and doesn't want to eat it. She gags on it, and becomes a total caricature of herself. She spits it out in her snot rag and tosses it on the floor. Why she would voluntarily submit to this type of humiliation is beyond me. If I were her, I'd have asked them to introduce me to someone less intelligent, like say Elmo from Sesame Street. They should've called this segment Punking Pickler. I wonder what it would've been like if, instead of calamari, they'd have exploited the "what's a ballsy" fiasco. Would they have introduced her to an adult film star? More importantly, since she did this production piece, does this mean that we don't have to hear her sing again?

I used to like Meat Loaf, but now that he's singing with Katharine McPhee, I don't know. Meat Loaf sounds ridiculously horrific. Maybe it's the health problems he's been having. He's been in a bad way lately, according to his website. Kat sounds great in comparison as they sort of act out the music video to this song. Kat wants to smile so much. It must be hard to do this with Meat so badly out of tune. His hand is trembling. Something is not well with him.

Ryan talks about how hard they have worked on the show, and he mocks the fact that American Idol has thus far won absolutely zero television awards, which, in my mind, is unconscionable.

The first Golden Idol is for Outstanding Female Vocal. Nominated is Cierra Johnson who sang an interminable version of "O Holy Night" that lasted for a couple of presidential administrations. Also nominated is Crystal Parizanski who is a clone of Paris Hilton gone completely wrong. And there's Princess Brewer who thinks she sounds like Aretha Franklin, but who actually sounds like Corky Franklin, the mentally challenged bus driver who works the third shift down on Union Avenue. The winner is Princess Brewer, but really we all are the winner here. Princess isn't at the finale, probably because 19 wouldn't pay for the airfare.

Outstanding Male Vocal nominees are: Marlowes Davis who picks his ears while assaulting ours. Derek Dupree, aka Mr. Pit Stain, who got not one but two chances to completely embarrass his heritage. And there's Crazy Dave Hoover who actually did get put through to Hollywood in one of the most extreme miscarriages of justice since O.J. Simpson got acquitted. He did sound better than Meat Loaf sounded tonight. And the winner is Crazy Dave who without doubt is going to be here to snatch up as much camera time as possible. What do you want to bet he's a pretty decent stand-up comic?

Between X-3 and Superman Returns, I am about to be one happy fanboy.

It's back to Punking Pickler, who is now trying lobster. Kellie is fake scared of the live lobster. For about five seconds, I think she's actually just a little bit cute. She pokes at the lobster with a fork, and then Wolfgang threatens to throw it at her. She screams as if someone was throwing acid on her or as if someone was trying to teach her to read. Poor girl does not know how to act around high society. Still....she's cute. I may be coming around to the Pickler thing....somebody call the medic, please.

Ace, Chris, Bucky, Chicken Little, and Elliott are singing "Takin' Care of Business. Kevin sounds like 20 miles of skinned-back mule backside. It's nice hearing Elliott again. And FINALLY Taylor brings out the harmonica! Gorgeous. They're wearing it out on "Tobacco Road." Ace...oh Ace...you're not rock'n'roll. They seque into "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" and Taylor finally gets to sing a bar. The guys are running all around the audience, and they're just generally sounding better than most of the girls this year.

Oh yeah, the car-mercial. I guess one version of "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" wasn't enough. It's mostly a montage of the older car-mercials. I'd have gone out and bought a Ford if Taylor would've just reached over and laid one right on Kat's kisser. The two finalists both get brand new Ford Mustangs. Lucky punks.

More Golden Idols. This time for "Proudest Family Moments." Nominated are: Elliott Yamin's mother on his return trip home. McCrybaby bawling incessantly over how good Kat is. Chris Daughtry's wife, Deanna, on Chris getting through to Hollyweird. And the winner better be either Claudette or Deanna. Claudette Yamin gets the statue. I really like her a lot.

Elliott Yamin is up on stage singing with Mary J. Blige. I just want to say right now that I have been listening to Elliott sing "Moody's Mood for Love" from the new Encores CD all day long, and I love how he sounds on CD. I'm loving him right here with Mary J, as well. I'll buy two copies of whatever CD he puts out. I'll buy three copies. I love his work, and there's not much else to say.

Y'know, if all the Idol episodes had been this good this year, I would've had much more fun writing the recaps.

I wonder how Duets will be?

It's time for Carrie Underwood who just won an ACMA for Best New Female Vocalist and best song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." She's singing her new single "Don't Forget to Remember Me." Can I just add that she looks completely faboo? I thought she was hot last year, but I absolutely want to gobble her up tonight, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. This is a nice performance, but what did you expect? She doesn't miss a note very much, no matter where she's performing. Y'know what would be fun, though? Having the three judges give her a critique. Obviously, they'd slather all over her, but it would still bring back memories of Season 4, which was a much better season. I'm glad that Carrie, unlike certain other Idols, doesn't have a problem coming back to the show that gave her a career. Bravo!! Belissima!!

Another award: The Randy Jackson Public Speaking Award goes to Rhonetta. Miss Ghetto Fabulous gets another shot at public ignominy. I interviewed her this year. She's not that bad in person, but on the show...yuck. Rhonetta is working tonight, so she couldn't be here. What's the implication, here? I don't think that they're implying she's flipping burgers, if you get my drift. They get an actress to portray Rhonetta. That's NOT the original one. Interesting.

Taylor Hicks, the next American Idol, mark my words, takes the stage to sing "In the Ghetto" with the unbelievably hot Toni Braxton. Wow.... y'all excuse me for about five minutes. I need to roll my tongue back up into my mouth. Toni just gets better with age. Taylor is actually singing this song better than any performance I've heard of his this year. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.

Wow.

Kat, Lisa, Paris, Kellie, Mandisa, and Melissa are singing "Man I Feel Like a Woman." Paris and Lisa sing the blues so Katharine can join in and smile until her chin cracks. The far-more-talented Melissa sounds fabulous, and Kellie doesn't sound awful either. I've missed you Mandisa. I still think Kellie's cute, but not as much as Melissa. Kat starts singing "Natural Woman," sounding miles inferior to Kelly Clarkson. Paris deserves to be in the finale more than Kat, no matter how much I dislike her personality. Paris was more fun, too. I've REALLY missed you, Mandisa. The girls are really flat on the end of that song and aren't harmonizing all that well.

Ryan is back to address us from the Idol pulpit. He pimps out the A.I. tour schedule. Now it's time for the Golden Idol for best impersonation. Kenneth Maccarone is nominated for his Cher impersonation. Seth Strickland, who is a nice guy and who interviewed with me earlier this year for my blog, is nominated for his Michael Jackson impersonation. Michael Sandecki is the next Clay Achin'. The Idol gay-bashing machine has come full circle at this point. And the Goldy goes to Michael Sandecki who prisses out on stage to collect his prize from a hot babe that he will unfortunately never feel an attraction for. He's going to sing. You can tell by his expression that he is actually trying to sound this bad. Actor. The real Clay comes out on stage, and Michael acts like he didn't know this was gonna happen. I haven't seen Clay Aiken with this haircut. Either Sandecki has learned to sing or they've turned his mic down. Say what you will, but I'm ready for a new Clay CD.

Now it's time for the finalists to sing a medley of Burt Bacharach classics. Burt comes out and starts tickling the ivories as Taylor, your next American Idol, sings "What the World Needs Now Is Love." Kat comes out with the red dress, sounding like a huge nasal cavity. Ace comes out sounding slightly worse. Melissa sounds better than everybody. Kellie sounds like Kellie, and since I think she's cute now, I'm not gonna say too much. I like the bling she's wearing. I almost about to apologize for everything I've said this season. Almost. Bucky sounds better than he's ever sounded, and I might buy a country and western CD by this guy. Did I mention that I miss Mandisa? Her song on the Encores CD sounds like diarrhea, though. Hey Lisa...missed you too. Her Encores track was ghetto booty too. Not good. This performance, however, is nice. Ahhh, Elliott. "A House Is Not a Home." Sing it to me, Elliott! Sing it so I can remember it and sing it to my would-be girlfriend Kellie. Wondermundous! And in stark contrast to that, Kevin Covais is ruining "What's New Pussycat." He sounds like the bathroom of Grand Central Station after Free Burrito night. Chris sings "Arthur's Theme," which sounds AWESOME. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: should've been Paris instead of Kat, even though Paris is wearing Spider-Man bling.

Dionne Warwick gets a second paragraph from me. No critique, though. She sounds wonderful. It's a nice touch to have her sing "That's What Friends Are For," accompanied by the new American Idol and that other chick in the red dress. Paula wraps her arms around Simon and Randy, and in what promises to be the final Paula joke of the season, she steals their meds out of their sport coat pockets.

It's time for another Golden Idol award for "Best Male Bonding." Nominated are: Ace Young and Chris Daughtry for their hug in Hollywood. Ryan Seacrest and Taylor Hicks for their falling onto the stage. Garet Johnson, Matthew Buckstein, and Michael Evans from the cowboy group in the Hollywood rounds. Really, this is just an excuse to recycle an old production package. And the winners are the Brokenote Cowboys. And they're going to sing. Seriously, couldn't Melissa McGhee have sung with Heart or something? I know why these guys didn't progress. Yuckness. This sounds like about 50 miles of gross.

Shouldn't it be about time to be getting down to business? No more guest stars, just results. Who will the American Idol be?

Whoa...wait a minute... Prince? Wasn't looking for that. Oh well, I guess the Purple One does have a new album to sell. He's still one of the best performers out there, but this song is only passable. It's definitely got an 80's feel to it though with all the synthesizers and drum machines. And Prince, too, I suppose. I like the second song.

Wow, with all the commercial breaks, I've been able to catch up with all the parts I missed during the first part of the show. My fingers hurt!

Taylor Hicks comes full circle as Bill Medley and Kat sort of stands in for Jennifer Warnes on "I've Had the Time of My Life." They both sound like it's time to stop singing and time for results.

Moment of truth time: 63.4 million votes last night. More than any president in the history of our country. It's time to introduce the guy who has the results. Ok, go away now. Let's hear it.

The next American Idol is...

TAYLOR HICKS!!!!!

Good job, America. Now it's time for the Soul Patrol to go batty.

Good year everybody. To all of you on ATAI, it's all over but the crying. To those of you on the official A.I. boards, thank you so much. To those of you on my blog, don't go anywhere...the blogging has only just begun.