KEVIN FEDERLINE: POPOZAO... SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS TAINTED ORB!!

Y'all ain't ready. For real.

This is my last chance to bag on Kevin Federswine this year, and I see no reason not to take full advantage of it. I realize that by doing this, I am running the very real risk of agreeing with most of the civilized world, but that's a chance I'm going to have to take.

Following the world class booing and reviling that "Y'all Ain't Ready" received, Kevin will be releasing a single called, inexplicably, "Popozao." Early projections have pre-sales of Kevin's CD at exactly 100 copies. 2 for Britney, 1 for Sean Preston, and 97 others for Kevin to poster his garage wall with. I had the misfortune of hearing a 10 second sample of the new single. Suddenly "Mmmbop" by Hanson sounds like a musical masterpiece compared to this crap. I'm hoping my ears will stop bleeding soon.

I know other bloggers will blog about this. I know what they're all going to say. But I just had to. I couldn't help it. I know I'm going to say the exact same thing they all said. As much as I tried not to, the human disease that's married to Britney "Hit My Husband One More Time" Spears compels me to write about him and why I detest him.

First of all, I'm going to get this name thing out of the way. I absolutely refuse to call him K-Fed. It would be one thing if someone else, for instance a fellow inmate, gave him that name. But it's a name he gave himself! It reminds me of the loser geek in junior high. Every one of you readers knew someone like this in school. He would always be the biggest, smelliest, geekiest, dorkiest, pee-smellingest kid in school who would suddenly come to school one day and demand to be called "Cobra" or "MC Slammer" or some other nickname he'd made up for himself. After which he could live out the rest of the day with full assurance that at some point someone was going to (a.) beat him up, (b.) pull his underwear up around his hair follicles, or (c.) leave him butt-up with his head in an unflushed toilet. It's just so unbelievably uncool to make up a nickname for yourself. And it's double goofy to use the first initial of your first name and the first syllable of your last name, a la J-Lo.

Then there's the whole deadbeat dad thing. The way he left his two kids with Shar Jackson, just calling her up one day saying he was "hanging out" with Britney Spears, is beyond trailer-trashy. And now he's working on a couple of kids to stick Britney with whenever she sends his next Ferrari back to the dealership.

And speaking of the Ferrari...have you ever seen a bigger moocher?? This according to Wikipedia: Not only did Britney have to be the one to experience momentary insanity, drop to one knee, and propose, but she also had to buy her own engagement ring. Now, I'm not always the most traditional person, and I'm ok with a woman proposing to me. But I draw the line at a lady having to buy her own engagement ring. No self-respecting man would let that happen. And as if that weren't enough, darling Brit Brit was just dying to throw more piles of money at her louse of a husband by not having him sign a prenup. Thankfully, Britney's mom had more sense than she did (not a big feat, as most mayonnaise seems to be smarter) and insisted on it, which will probably come in very handy in a couple of years when Kevin realizes that even Britney can't make him successful and splits with one of the extras from Crossroads 2: The Search for the Missing Career. And as if the mooching money weren't enough, according to Defamer, he's leeching bandwidth from Brit Brit's website to run his own exceedingly pathetic website to pimp out his new single.

Random thought: does he get dressed in the dark? Also, is there a special store he shops at that only sells wifebeater t-shirts and raggedy jeans?

He's done a lot of media whoring lately, too. There's been the whole faux separation thing with Britney, the repo'ing of his Ferrari by Miss Brit right in time for all the cameras to be watching, the outlandish baby nativity thing... you name it. If a camera was there, the Spearses were there to (a.) extend Britney's fame a couple more minutes and (b.) remind folks that there is a new invertebrate on this Earth named Kevin Federline and he wants you to listen to his crappy disc.

No major label would sign him or agree to any distribution deal, so he is financing his own CD release. And by "he" I mean "Britney's money." There is a sample of his upcoming singled "Popozao" on his incredibly retarded and vile myspace page. The song says, and I quote, "po po po po popozao." And that's pretty much it. Rumor has it that "popozao" is Brazilian for "luscious butt," which should show you how incredibly intellectually stimulating this album will be.

Thanks to Dave Barry and Perez Hilton for pointing this all out, and to Hollywood Rag for the pics.

By the way, Kevin Spenderwhine's new single is "dropping" at Yahoo this very New Years at midnight. Make sure not to step into these "droppings."