AMERICAN IDOL NIGHT 37: TOP 4 RESULTS!!

It's time for results again, as we whittle them down to the bottom...err...top three.

Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn are in the house, and so are Elliott, Chris, Taylor, and Katharine. Ryan introduces the judges, and Simon rolls his eyes at him.

It's recap time, and I still don't recognize which room they were in at Graceland. There's Taylor's ham-handed performance, Ryan smarting off to Simon, Chris wearing it out, Kat sucking, and Elliott just blowing the roof off.

Paula is sitting in Simon's lap, and Randy is punching him in the arm, sayin' "yo, when you gonna let a brotha get some love." Ryan looks jealous, and Randy grabs hold of Ryan, pops a binky into his mouth and rocks him to sleep.

After the break, blah...

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Time for another Ford Commercial masquerading as a music video. They're singing "What a Wonderful World" in the style of the Sesame Street cast. Kat's driving the hybrid (not boxer-briefs this time, ladies and gentlemen, but an actual car.) The guys clean up the garage by spreading mulch and planting weeds. Taylor finds his muse in the form of a parrott with Tourette's Syndrome. And Kat drives up with... huh?? Kermit???? Where'd that come from? Oh well, I guess that makes her...Miss Piggy? Not the best choice.

It's time for our virtual tour through Graceland. Franken-presley meets them at the door, and Taylor tries to hold back his vomit while not staring directly at her, lest he turn into stone. Finally we get to go into the Jungle Room, which is my favorite part of the house for real. Don't be fooled though. When you take the actual tour through Graceland, this room is cordoned off. You can look into it, but you can by no means enter it or walk through it like they do. This is only for the TV, y'all. They take us through the Hall of Fame. Kat "totally recognizes" all the memorabilia, even though Elvis died prior to her birth. They check out the wall of gold, which I must admit is impressive in person. They check out the racquetball court, which has been converted into another display room. I just want to take this moment to mention to you that in this building, there are bathrooms and kitchens and all the sinks and faucets are crafted from pure gold. So if one were to wash one's hands, one would have to wash one's hands prior to washing one's hands, if you get my drift. They go to the meditation garden and the tombs of Elvis and his family. I think Priscilla was buried here prior to rising from the dead. But seriously, folks, those flowers you see are just some of many that get left there everyday along with personal letters to the King. It is an awesome place, this garden, not because I worship Elvis, but because it is very beautiful.

The Idols then go to meet Lisa Marie who looks like she just got done doing a line off of the floor. There's the golf cart ride down Elvis Presley Blvd and Kat's boobs hanging completely out to cushion any car crash they might experience or to shield them from gunfire if they should get down as far as Winchester Road.

The group number tonight is "Don't Be Cruel." Elliott starts out sounding strikingly like Elvis. They make a double play of the line "go Kat go," from "Blue Suede Shoes," and Carl Perkins is now whirling around in his grave. Taylor sounds like an amateur next to the other two guys. Kat whines "Are You Lonesome Tonight." I'm done with her and ready for her to go. Chris sounds great on "Love Me Tender." The rest of it is just a bunch of hammyness and cheesyness. How does the camera always find Kat's butt? Not sure, but it does on "Burning Love."

After the break, somebody gotta go!...

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Ryan is interviewing Rebecca Romijn and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Jerry O'Connell. Becks is there to pimp her new X-Men movie, as though it needed promotion. Becks wants Taylor to sing "Jailhouse Rock" again. Okay, this is BEYOND unfair. That one contestant should be given a complete extra performance is just not cool. If one's gonna perform, they all ought to be given a shot.

They all join the stage in a pre-determined order, and Ryan informs us that we will find out which half are the bottom two. After the break, naturally...

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Which are the bottom two? Not Taylor and Elliott. Chris and Kat remain as the bottom two, and it will either be as expected or a major shocker. Kat is already crying.

Ryan asks Simon who is leaving tonight. He says Kat should go. Ryan all of a sudden busts out and tells us that Chris is going home tonight, and this is just a plain old travesty. Paula bursts into tears and buries her head in her hands. I'm just sitting here dumbfounded.

Seriously, y'all, what happened? My best guess is that Chris's fans thought he was safe after last night's performances and didn't vote. Either that or Kat's voters were really polarized. She completely doesn't belong in the top three, and the guy who I had picked for your American Idol is going home.

All I can say now is that I'm throwing my support 100 percent behind Elliott. Check me back on my blog this week. Otherwise, see ya next Tuesday.