Percy Miracles: The Ladies Champ EP has got to be the worst promotional CD in recent history.

A quick glance at the cover doesn't offer much hope. There's someone on the cover apparently trying to eat his microphone all while hoping to look like Rick James with a mouthful of gold teeth. Quick research shows that Percy is part of a touring group called "Little Brother" who are currently involved in the Fall 2005 Hip Hop Soul : Music We Wish Was on the Radio compilation. Doesn't sound good. Atlantic Records published this, so it must be a case of hideous image/perfect vocals, right?

Wrong.

The first track, "Sweet Percy," was a trip into auditory hell. Not only were ALL the vocals completely flat, but the lyrics were hokey and cornier than the whole state of Iowa. It starts off with a terrible riff on Eminem in the first track where Percy's saying "Turn it up in my headphones. That's what all the young people like to say in the beginning of their rap records." Yeah, THAT won't alienate your young fan base.

There's a bunch of attempts at stylistic vibrato that just sound like someone who didn't quite make it on to American Idol.

There's this absurd moral bent on the first track. Don't get me wrong; I'm not against morality in black music at all. I just think it's way cliche to have a record that's otherwise completely hedonistic and/or just complete crap then have the artist drop in one nice Godly tune to try to assuage his or her conscience of it. It's also hard to believe you're some big role model when your collaborations are by artists going by the names of "Poohnany" and "Big Trick." (I've never understood why they don't just call themselves "Vagina" and "Prostitute." Same thing, right?)

A sample of the lyrics at their rock bottom: "You have God, you have Jesus, you have the Son and the Holy Ghost/I said 'oh my father, oh my God, that means the most.'" A third grader could compose the lyrics. And in the end, the artist knows that he can succeed and overcome in life simply because of the fact that he is, and I quote, "sweet sweet Percy."

Huh??

I checked out all the other tracks, and they're basically the same. Percy sure does talk a whole lot, and most of the time it's some fake hokum nostalgia about what nightclubs were like when he was young (probably speak-easies.)

There's an odd tribute to his old music teacher. Percy's talking again, and then he starts speaking in some child voice and then in a woman's voice, which is the point where most of you are probably turning the CD off, much like this reviewer did.

If you turn it back on, you will find a short non-musical message about how abused wives can be stars and girl you just KEEP that head up, which is then followed up by a ballad about some evil woman who cheated on him, with the last lines being "For that light-skinded b***h that broke my heart/you dumb b***h/i saw ya tongue kissin' him/i saw your t*ts/show me your t*ts b***h/i saw you say let me see your p***s/you mean this/it's the cleanest/that s**t wasn't right/i got love for you/now i'm going back with my boo/dumb a** hoe/ f**k penn state n***a." Aren't dichotomies grand?

The back of this soon-to-be-thrown-away EP package says this: "He's sold over 10,000,000 records in
Bulgaria... His concerts have sold out community centers around the world..."

Wow bragging rights galore, eh?? However I don't think the last line is true: "He's back to reclaim (wait, don't you have to have been it once before in order to reclaim???) his title as 'De Kaing of Black Music.'" Well, "Kaing," you can start by sitting on the throne that your promo EP was just flushed down.