Musical Ramblings

American Idol 2009: Jacksonville FL Auditions

2009-01-27T18:45:00.007-06:00

First, an apology for missing last Wednesday's recap. I had every intention of doing it, but I got a little irritated at the show because my last three recaps somehow resulted in me being banned from the official forums. The official line is that "some of the recaps crossed the line into bashing."

The real story, of course, is that the staff at American Idol are wetting their collective Pampers over the repercussions of the Paula Goodspeed suicide. (If you hadn't read, Paula G was a contestant during season 5 who idolized and later would stalk Paula Abdul. You can see the video of her audition here. Miss Goodspeed, who got rightfully mocked during her original audition, recently pulled the retard card and offed herself at Paula Abdul's house. See my comments on her from back then here. Obviously, as happens every time Darwinism claims a moron's life, there's a threat of a lawsuit, and so Idol is trying to act like they NEVER allow anyone to make fun of their contestants (even though the audition shows still continue to do so unabashedly). And of course in their overreaction, the moderators have classified anything other than an outrageously, slobberingly positive opinion to be "bashing" and they erase it accordingly. And thus with the kind of heavy-handed censorship that would've made Joseph Stalin beam with pride, they have essentially pulled the "American" out of Idol. This is what happened to my recaps there, after which I parodied the mods, which then precipitated the drop of the ban hammer. It ticked me off for a few days, but now I'm over it, but I didn't quite feel like recapping another cattle call of hypocrisy.

Tonight, however, I'm ready to take on the challenge.

This...is American Idol, unedited, as I see it.

Interior: Limo. Cue Ryan and Simon, riding in opulence, with the exception of all the camera crew's equipment that you just know is taking up the foot room. Seacrest and Simon talk, and Simon points out that Ryan doesn't speak in his radio voice normally. Well, duh! What radio guy goes around the house saying "it's ten minutes past the hour, a chilly 35 degrees outside and now it's time for seven in a row! What's your favorite station?!" As with all Seacrest/Cowell conversations, the talking gets awkward, and it's increasingly difficult to comprehend the fact that these two guys are actually very good friends off-screen.

A huge deal is made over Randy's stint with Journey, as though he was with Journey the whole entire time, as opposed to just one album and a couple of concert tours. And yes, that one video. Simon accuses Randy of having let all the fame go to his head, what with the police escort and all, but who is he kidding? Randy has been full of himself and been King Name-Dropper since this show began.

Joshua Olloa thinks he looks like Justin Guarini. Clearly there are similarities: they both have curly hair and no record contract! (I kid, Justin, I kid.) Beyond that, Joshua and Justin have nothing in common, unless Joshua has been in a failed beach movie with Kelly Clarkson and I didn't know about it. Joshua does a very affected version of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," and Kara looks like she wants to accept the proposition. Is it me, or has Kara been a cat in heat all season? Joshua has good range, a good voice, and Blake's beatbox thingy, which I have decided is an automatic FAIL in my book from now on, but he only used it once so I'll let it slide. Simon compares him to Inspector Gadget, in the sense that he pulled this audition directly out of a hatch in his hindquarters. Randy feels he's entertaining. Simon, Randy, Kara and Paula all say yes, and we'll go on to see if Joshua can end up winning me over in Hollywood.

Ryan says the word "shih tzu" on air while I'm barely paying attention, causing me to jerk my head up from my computer screen, which then caused me to see a goofy looking dog named Sasha. Sharon Wilbur and her weird Kelly Clarkson hair brought her annoying dog with her to her audition. On a top ten list of "most annoying things you can do," owning a dog as a fashion accessory is at least number eight. Bringing it with you to inappropriate events is somewhere around number three. Of course she can't just leave the mutt outside, and so Simon gets to hold the dog. He looks aghast at having to hold the dog, as though he'd been asked to rub elephant dung in his hair. Sharon apparently went to the Britney Spears school of singing, which is to say she practices shallow breathing, nasal singing, and saying the word "baybay" a lot. I hate it. Absolutely despise it. I'd rather have a rabid scorpion in my underpants than hear another second of it. The whole audition jumps into the realm of the bizarre as Paula and Kara randomly make out. Kara very nearly pops out of her blouse, which is the kind of thing that happens when you dress in the dark and accidentally put on your curtains instead of a blouse. Almost as an afterthought, Sharon goes to Hollywood, and then we get back to the real important discussion, which is Kara expressing her ardent desire to have Simon make out with her. And the kink doesn't stop there, as we go out into the receiving room and see some gross guy tongue kissing the dog.

Cue Seacrest driving a golf cart fully laden with the camera and lighting crew. He gets lost on his way to the hotel, does some lame jokes about Jurassic Park, which makes him about as contemporary as a hoop skirt.

Dana Moreno puts our ears through the fire. She offers to take direction, and Simon programs in "Hell" on her GPS.

Kaneswa Finnie is going to sing an Anita Baker song. She's self-confident, but that confidence is mostly mis-placed when it comes to her singing style. Of course she's got the nightmarish stage mom who thinks that every single sound that comes from her baby's mouth, including burps and vomit noise, is pure musical perfection. Kaneswa is cute, but entirely off-key. Simon claims that it got progressively worse as it went along, which would mean it went from horrible to borderline criminal. Kara blames Kaneswa's mother for deluding her into such visions of vocal grandeur, and Simon has the bright idea to have the PA fetch the mom in for another exploitative moment. Simon implies that people would probably throw things at Kaneswa when she sings if she ever stopped moving. It kind of makes you wonder why Simon hasn't had more suicides in front of his house. Kaneswa's mom, still leaving in fantasy-land, is convinced that a travesty of justice greater than any O.J. verdict has occurred.

Julissa Veloz is labeled as a "beauty queen," despite the fact that she sort of looks like a tranny hooker. Her clothes are supposed to indicate that she's some kind of pageant veteran, but I think you'd find that ensemble worn more frequently by crazed bag ladies than by pageant winners. She's an okay singer, but kind of all over the place, lyrics and all. Unconcerned about possible future suicides, the judges proceed to make fun of her admittedly weird laugh, without directly claiming that Fran Drescher called and wants it back. On the same subject, Julissa's got some chompers on her, doesn't she? As a friend of mine used to say, that girl could eat corn off a cob through a picket fence. At this point, Paula goes mental and leaves the stage for some reason. Julissa chases her, and there's the second implication of Paula making out with a girl tonight. Julissa is on to Hollywood.

Darin Darnell gets to be the dancing fool. Nope, no racist caricatures on this show! No sirree! After several scenes of the comically-impaired Darin allowing himself to be exploited on camera, we get to meet his friend, whose name I forget, but as it happens it doesn't really matter since the guy got cut and left the arena in a heaving sobbing mess. So like every falsely confident person, Darin completely loses his crap and starts out his audition by crying like a little baby girl with snapping turtles in her diaper. And well he should, since once he starts singing, everyone within earshot begins weeping similar tears of torment and pain. Simon cuts him short, because it's gone past ridiculous. Kara reminds Darin that the music business is a cruel mistress, and that if he will cry like that during something as ridiculous as an American Idol audition, then he'll never be able to survive having to get coffee and donuts for a record company exec.

Naomi Sykes is excited, though. She compares herself to Mariah Carey. Simon says that means she's a "talented looney," again showcasing this show's empathy for performers with mental health issues. Naomi's friend wants to meet Randy. She's called in and they do some weird running thing that should be scored by Vangelis' "Chariots of Fire". The friend, Samantha, gets to sit on Randy's lap, now that he's lost weight and actually has one. Naomi sings Minnie Riperton's "Loving You". Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan sits on Kara's lap. Kara actually grabs Seacrest by the man-boobs, and I've rarely seen a supposedly-heterosexual man look so out of his element. And as soon as Naomi starts singing, all the oxygen leaves the room. Paula passes out. The outcome is predictable. Naomi cries and here comes all the hugging.

Day 2 is on, with no reduction in stupid auditions to be found in this season, despite all the pre-season claims.

Jasmine Murray is a very pretty sixteen year old with a lovely family. She sings Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry," which is a song that's much too big for even Fergie. Jasmine sings it well, though, even though she projects a bit too much through the nose instead of reaching deep. Simon finds her very commercial, and she's going to Hollywood. Good luck!

George Ramirez and his beard are given the whole homeless college student treatment. You can tell he's going to be awful, and it's barely even worth going into, because you just know that he's just jockeying for more camera time. George loves physics and music equally, as we discover in his interminable feature package. Simon asks where George would see himself in 11 years, and I get the feeling that Simon sees George upgrading from cardboard box to full-fledged dumpster in that time frame. George obviously didn't write a script for this character he's playing and as a result has absolutely no answer for an excruciatingly long time, and then he says he wants a simple house with the exception of marble floors, which is sort of like saying you want a studio apartment with a three car garage. On with the awful... Well what can I say, but he's awful. Mary Roach awful, in the sense that he's an actor who is hamming it up for the camera. Dismissed!

At this time, Kara would like to announce to the world that she has cleavage. She was afraid you might not have noticed.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 24, is awestruck by Kara, whom she actually saw performing once at an expo in Nashville. Apparently the impression was so great that Anne Marie actually knows the words to one of Kara's more obscure songs. Within only a second or two, Simon automatically has a problem with Ann Marie's self-effacing attitude. Some people might call it endearing, and some recappers like myself might be absolutely enchanted with her without any change at all, but apparently the judges are really looking for the Jerk Factor this year. She's tasked with the mission of coming back as a whored-up superstar diva.

T.K. Hash is back this year after not quite making it last year. He sings an adaptation of John Lennon's "Imagine," which is barely recognizable, but quite frankly better than the original. (I hate that song. It's one of the most over-rated and least inventive songs ever.) Paula thinks he's improved from last year. Randy agrees, but thinks he improved maybe just a bit too much and is going over the top. Simon says no. Randy says yes. Paula says yes. Kara, who hasn't had her name pronounced correctly thus far by Simon OR Randy, tips the scales in favor of Hollywood.

Families butter up the contestants. Really, folks, STOP. You know your child can't sing. You've known it since your kid was five years old, belting out showtunes in the supermarket and garnering evil stares from other shoppers. You've known it since they've been rejected from every single local talent show that you consistently enter them in. STOP LYING TO YOUR CHILDREN. If your kid can't handle his physics homework, do you tell him to become an engineer?? If your child can't spell to save his life, do you encourage him to become a journalist?? No. Why would it be different with singing? It is much more kind to let them know early on in life what they are and are not able to do.

One such family surrounds Michael Perelli, who carries his guitar everywhere he goes. You just know that he is one of those guys who annoys everyone everywhere he goes. He's that guy who you stopped inviting to your parties because he would always bring that stupid guitar and start playing his ridiculous insipid songs and make everyone go home early. He's the guy whose dates never worked out because he brought the guitar and felt the need to serenade with an alarming frequency. Apparently being a musician is Michael's full time job, in the sense that he sits on the street corner and people throw money into his case to make him stop. The producers won't allow him to use the guitar in his audition, and he goes through a separation anxiety appropriate for the deaths of everyone he knows and loves. He sings Third Eye Blind's "Jumper", and its obvious that the reason he needs his guitar is to drown out his voice. It's very wrong. He's not a terrible singer, but he isn't anywhere near good either. Michael cries and cries about his stupid guitar, which fails to impress Simon, who proceeds to condemn him to garage-band-dom. Michael comes up with a ton of excuses, whines a bunch, and gets on everyone's nerves, including the judges and pretty much all of America. He gets rejected and then storms off into the holding room in a fit of self-pity and unrighteous indignance. His mother attempts to console him, to which he responds by yelling at his mother not to touch him, which makes him look like a huge jerk, so much so that Ryan Seacrest tells him off. Ryan doesn't tolerate disrespect of one's mother.

Anne Marie Boskovich is back. She elects to do Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly." She performs it quite well. She's got a fan here! She needs to work on her stage presence, but she's entirely likable, and the transformation works out in her favor. Hollywood.

A crowd of people sing us out with Katrina and the Waves' "Walkin' on Sunshine." And I'm now blind because of the guy who flashed his chest at the camera. Yikes. Later!

Wednesday Night A.I. recap...

2009-01-21T16:16:00.002-06:00

...will be posted tomorrow. I'll be tape-delaying all the Wednesday recaps this year. Hold your horses :)

American Idol 2009: San Francisco CA Auditions

2009-01-20T18:50:00.004-06:00

It's time again for American Idol. Priscilla is out on the town tonight, so my dog Shorty and I have our Pringles and cranberry juice ready to go, and are settling in to watch and give our commentary. Tonight we're only in for one hour, so without further ado...well...here we go!

We're in San Francisco tonight, and if the search is on for weirdos, this city has no shortage of them. It's home to Katharine McPhee and William Hung, which is possibly the biggest talent gap in all of musical history.

We're treated to shots of the cattle calls, which are as always filled with a wide variety of freaks and geeks, most of whom fully realize that the nanosecond that they're on the screen will probably be their last and ham it up thusly. There was a proposal and marriage performed in the line. The divorce will be conducted at the Rock of Love auditions next year.

Seacrest points out the seven cameras, the boom mic, and the season 1 set that the judges appear to have reverted to. I actually quite prefer this, as it makes the audition room appear much more open, and there's this awkward fantasy that several have entertained regarding a certain British judge being attacked and pushed out of the windows, only to bounce off the awning immediately prior to the ground below and land safely immediately prior to being devoured by a lion. (Okay, that was the second Naked Gun movie, but admit it, you'd laugh if it happened.)

Tatiana Del Toro is a wannabe actress whose psychic friend and psychotic laugh have made the producers physiologically unable to refrain from featuring her. She wears a cross around her neck, as opposed to her usual wreath of garlic, which I can only assume is to keep the demons quelled within her. She has a gift to show the judges, and Simon, in one of his more blatant acts of lechery, stares at her chest, heartily agreeing. The gift turns out to be naughty pictures of Tatiana, which makes the female judges vomit in their mouth just a bit. Tatiana launches into some sort of cabaret performance. She's a decent singer, but a bit of a tramp, and even though she has some talent, her overall demeanor and attitude are off-putting, which will undoubtedly make for bad singing but great TV moments. Remember, this is a reality show, and one which doesn't do well without that one completely objectionable person. Simon doesn't think she's a good singer at all and gets a bit hissy when Tatiana cuts him off by breaking into a second song. Tatiana cops an attitude, strikes some weird pose, and then just when you think she's about to hush and listen to the judges, she breaks into a third song. Paula, who came dressed in her "Forever Your Girl" video outfit tonight, says yes. Randy says yes. Kara doesn't think Tatiana's all that, but the final verdict is to send Tatiana on to Hollywood, and we have our first real Hollywood week villain. Simon acknowledges that she ONLY got through based on the "naughty" factor. Yay. Can't wait for the inevitable meltdown. At this point, Shorty (my dog, in case you missed it before) tries to bite the TV.

Nick Reed played here by a hung-over Blake Lewis's reflection in a mud puddle fails to amuse the judges with his beat-boxing. Was that a trend last year? The beat-boxing, I mean. I was hoping we'd be done with that.

Wardrobe-challenged Dean-Anthony Bradford cut the upholstery off of a sofa from a 1970's pool hall and fashioned it into a smoking jacket. He then proceeds to ham up a version of Simply Red's "Stars," a song which is so awesome that it ought to be at least a misdemeanor to do what Dean-Anthony is doing. Simon, who fully recognizes this isn't a serious audition, is aching to move on. Randy rambles, Simon cuts straight to the chase and challenges Dean-Anthony's natural hair color, leading Dean-Anthony to say one of the creepiest things ever uttered on the show. And with that, the drapes are pulled and Dean-Anthony is tossed out onto the carpet.

Jesus Valenzuela is YET ANOTHER family man, which is becoming quite the theme with this show lately. This show is in danger of turning from a reality show into a sitcom. I can see it now: "Three Idols and a Baby". Or maybe "Full House Music." In any case, Jesus gets the nice-guy setup, and he's singing a very difficult Usher song, "Nice and Slow". He sings it too slow, too deliberately, and gets cut short by Simon who doesn't think he's cut out for the show. The judges ~~exploit~~ bring in the children. Simon lies to the one kid and tells him that Paula said no to his dad and that he was really adopted. Paula, naturally, is horified. Randy solicits another song, which is a mistake, because Jesus begins to sing a horridly melismatic version of the Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." Simon says no, Paula says yes, Kara says yes, and Randy tips the boat in favor of Hollywood in one of the more anti-climactic moments in this show's history (especially given the suggestion of the music bed before the final word.) The shortest kid hugs Simon, causing Simon's heart to grow three sizes, and Simon officially relinquishes his Grinch-dom for approximately five seconds, after which his heart once again freezes over, and he returns to torturing squirrels in his parents' basement. Shorty, duly impressed by this performance, returns to a corner of the living room where he proceeds to administer himself some intimate personal hygiene.

Dalton Powell is the master of the Rubik's cube. Assuming that there was no camera trickery, I'm amazed, as I've never figured out one of those blasted things. Dalton pauses for a moment, balances his chi, and summons his energy to sing a Smokey Robinson song, and the build-up turns out to be all for naught. Clearly, his skill lies in solving intricate puzzles in complete and utter silence. I can't bring myself to say too many bad things about Dalton, because he's strangely likable, and his attitude seems to be, more or less, "awww shucks, well, that was fun anyway." He goes home with props for being able to solve the world's kitschiest puzzle, but not as a singing sensation.

James Smith plays to the female judges rather well, but sings rather poorly. Trading on marginal good looks, he attempts to slip through based on showmanship. In the ensuing melodrama, Randy accuses Paula of liking James because she wants to be impregnated, completely forgetting that Paula passed menopause on-air at least two years ago. Paula immediately gets offended, gives Randy a look that tells him exactly which side of eternity he can immediately retreat to, and just like that, the audition is over and James can return to being just one of ten James Smiths in his phone book alone.

Seacrest refers back to the Summer of Love, Haight Street, and all that hippie crap, and then we're jerked back into reality, which is that music nowadays REALLY is nothing compared to what it used to be.

Kara and Simon fight. A lot. And yet you know that he probably hits on her behind the scenes. And you totally know she wants him.

Akila Askew-Gholdson is featured with Oingo Boingo's "Weird Science" as the music bed. She shows us her science class notes, and I don't think I could mock her any worse than the show is doing. In my mind, this is one of the biggest ironies about the show's website. "Don't mock the contestants! They're people too!" screams the rules thread on the Idol message board. Look...I could write all day and not make as big a fool out of everyone as the show itself does. I couldn't be any more racist, gay-bashing, or cruel than this show is by virtue of their editing of these clips. But I digress. Back to the audition: Simon thinks Akilah has a naughty face, and after studying her face for a while, I still have no idea what in the universe he's talking about. Akila sings an original song which, well, let's just say she's not going to get into BMI or ASCAP by virtue of writing it. She switches over to "Natural Woman" and Simon calls her "AH-kuh-la" which precipitates everyone talking over one another for a solid minute. After the din dies down, she proceeds to butter the heck out of the judges, calling Kara the best singer ever, and giving Paula one of the most backhanded compliments of the whole year. Suddenly I'm not watching American Idol anymore, as it appears an episode of The Maury Povich Show has broken out, what with everyone yelling and screaming to be heard over one another. Akilah falls into the trap, gets off the script and Kara then bodily shoves her out the door. Akilah has a real problem knowing when it's time to go, and her backroom confessional interview lets slip one of the secrets of Idol: this isn't her original audition. She's been asked to come back, probably more than once, on different days, and she's legitimately confused about whether or not it's okay for her to leave yet. Meanwhile, Shorty has left the living room and has taken this opportunity to go outside and fertilize the grass.

John Twiford, Allison Iraherta and Rachael Haughton are all going to Hollywild. I hope I got their names right, because that was FAST.

Annie Murdoch plays the violin and the piano. She wants to sing a Bonnie Raitt song but can't decide which one. I'd prefer none, especially if you're an Idol contestant and your last name isn't Underwood or Cardinale. I mean Annie's got a modicum of talent, but she oversings the living spit out of the song. Simon says it sounds like she's been turning too many bottles of tequila upside down, and the rest of the judges fall straight in line in dismissing her.

Adam Lambert, having been out of work since A Flock of Seagulls broke up, wants to lay it all on the line for the judges. But this time, methinks, I will not want to run (so far away). Adam has been doing musical theater, which is about as surprising as getting herpes after using Paris Hilton's toilet seat, and everything about this man screams Constantine Part Deux. He sings "Bohemian Rhapsody," further invoking Mr. Maroulis. Simon thinks he's theatrical, which is never a compliment coming from Mr. Cowell. It's a unanimous yes. Adam kisses Paula and Kara on the hand, shakes hands with the two male judges, and after he leaves the PA's rush onto the floor to dispense Purell.

Kai Kalama, who I'm almost certain made up his name, has a mom who has a seizure disorder. Kai takes care of her, doesn't date, doesn't go out, and basically lives to fluff his mom's pillows. We get the whole tear-jerker treatment, but somehow this one doesn't seem nearly as sincere as some others. I mean it's a great story and sad, but the heartbreak story seems to be another over-worked theme this year. We've got the one with the dead wife and now this one, and I'm wondering if A.I. doesn't turn out to be a sitcom that it might turn out to be a telethon for the downtrodden. Kai sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," and he does a decent job of it. He does need to do something with that hair and clean up that messy beard, but I do enjoy his performance. He's very personable and confident while singing, but he doesn't quite pop. Kara snipes at Simon because he won't let her go on and on interminably with a dissertation on the sum total of her musical knowledge, when the only input required of her at this moment is a simple yes or no. Kai gets through to Hollywood and "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe now owns the title of the most inappropriate audition-out song ever. Shorty yawns and curls up into a ball to sleep.

Well, only one hour tonight and it's over! See you tomorrow night!

In honor of American Idol's premiere, Rick Dees Weekly Top 40 hosted by PAULA ABDUL - 9/24/1995

2009-01-15T13:49:00.003-06:00

Here's yet another Rick Dees show that won't be on XM. This show is from September 24, 1995 and is co-hosted by Paula Abdul.

(I posted an earlier show from 1989 with Paula co-hosting, which can be found here. This is not the same show.)

One thing I didn't like: Number 38, "This Is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan is omitted. Paula announces the song's rank, and then moves on. This was one of the things that Rick did occasionally that I didn't like.

But, there's a lot else to enjoy about this show. For one thing, Paula has gotten much better at "talkin' on the radio" since the late 80's, though she's not quite as articulate (??) as she is today on American Idol. (It's fairly obvious she's reading from the script.) I did find it interesting that in one segment Rick talks about her taking kickboxing lessons, and Paula goes on and talks about this small, quiet, family owned workout place owned by Billy Blanks, who would shortly thereafter invent TAE-BO and become anything but. (Apparently Billy used to be a softspoken individual.)

Rick also heavily promotes "The National O.J." which is a courtroom parody periodical, in the style of the Onion, which was written by himself and Peter Green.

There's also an ad campaign by AT&T that asks us if we've ever played video games online with our friends, sent a fax from the beach, or any number of other things that are routine for us in 2009, but in 1995 when folks were still pretty new to the internet these things MUST have sounded like stuff the Jetsons would do. "You will," promises AT&T, though I'm somewhat sure they weren't entirely the pioneers of any of it.

It's things like those that make these shows fascinating for me.

Anyway, here ya go. Ripped directly from the original CDs, all network ads and promos included.

Hour 1

Hour 2

Hour 3

Hour 4

American Idol 2009: Kansas City MO Audition

2009-01-14T18:48:00.006-06:00

It's time for the second night of the 2009 American Idol premiere. In preparation for this momentous event, I decided it would be advantageous to become very sick, so as not to have a clear head. That's somewhat of an understatement, actually, since at this point I'm weighing the options between sawing my head completely off or just Tylenol PM'ing myself into a coma. Instead, I'm sitting here entombed in a comforter, fighting off chills, and watching the most over-hyped show in the universe and hoping that recapping it will take my mind off of the rest of my body.

Last night was...special, but about ten percent less people experienced that special-ness. Yup, the ratings dipped, but even at that loss, A.I. still murdered every other show in its time slot. After 8 years, the locomotive has lost steam, but it's still barreling down the track. So let's see what we get.

For only the second time in 2009, THIS is American Idol.

In keeping with Idol's promise to cut down on the silly audition shows, we have two entire hours of people embarrassing themselves and a smattering of people who will cause us to retain our faith in humanity. We're in the home of David Cook, Kansas City, MO. I've only had the opportunity to be in that city three or four times, but I've never made it a priority to return, though I do enjoy their baseball stadium. A lot of folks showed up including some guy who forget half his dentures. "Oh freakin' yeah, my orthodontist graduated last in his class!" he yells at the camera.

Jason Castro is here tonight, and apparently he's one of the delights I missed last year. His brother Michael will attempt to entertain us later on tonight.

Chelsea Marquardt is cute enough, and she gets a nice little video package, but it's all for naught as she is the exact reverse of last night's Michael Sarver (pretty, but horrible voice.) She strikes me as someone who truly is deluded into thinking she can sing. Sadly, she sounds like a constipated spider monkey with a five pound salami in its colon. Simon compares her to a cat jumping off the Empire State Building and its screech before reaching its penultimate end on an expensive sports car below, a la the auto insurance commercials I've been seeing lately. Unable to come up with his own witticisms, Randy piggybacks on Simon's joke with siren noises. The girls get all righteously indignant, tell the guys what awful jerks they are for telling the truth, and then they proceed to patronize the living tar out of Chelsea with the usual fluff. I'll grant Kara that she is somewhat more direct than Paula, but I really haven't seen what use she's going to be this season. Because Chelsea's decent-looking, they don't completely destroy her, but they don't waste a lot of time dismissing her either.

Ashley Anderson is singing "Footsteps in the Sand" as sung by Leona Lewis and co-written by Simon Cowell, who can't resist being egomaniacal and correcting her when she mis-quotes the lyrics in her hypnotic and beautiful voice. Seriously, footsteps, footprints, who really cares? At least it's not "Bleeding Love" for the billionth time. Ashley has great vocal control, perhaps not a lot of depth on the lower end, but she's still an amazing vocalist. She reminds me of a more mature sounding Katharine McPhee. She gets all four judges to approve, and I'm interested to see what this girl will do in Hollywood. Apparently American Idol bought all their music licensing on wholesale this year, and Ashley exits to a Sara Bareilles song.

Casey Carlson is 20 years old, owns stock in a push-up bra company and sings Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles." First of all, the dress? No. As for the performance, this song REALLY needs the piano backing track, which is really the star of the song. The vocal part of the song isn't all that complex and doesn't show much range. Still, Casey does well enough with it and goes on to Hollywood. She's okay, but my annoyance meter with her is pegged just a bit.

And now it's on to a group of people who think gymnastics might get them on camera. Because, you know, Idol isn't going to be all about that silly stuff this year. Still, let's look at a bunch of idiots doing backflips, dancing or basically doing anything to draw attention to themselves short of stripping naked and dropping a deuce in the middle of the pavement.

Brian Hettler will in no way be any good, since his video package does little more than make a fool of him, an act in which he is completely complicit. He does a stylized version of Aretha's "Think." Thinking, apparently, is a biological process that Brian has never experienced, at least not when preparing for this audition, or for that matter when putting on his clothes this morning. That being said, I don't believe for a moment that this is a serious audition. It can't possibly be. I wonder which radio station this guy works for, because obviously this is just some guy who's trying his best to act the complete and utter fool just to get seen on TV. I've always wondered why contestants do this. I mean, yes, you can have fun being an absolute retard on Idol, but don't you have to return home after the fact? Don't you know that people in the supermarket are going to be pointing and laughing at you for the rest of the year? You can tell from Brian's performance that he has a marginal talent for singing. If he'd just calm himself down and be serious about it he might actually be okay. But he's exaggerating it for shock value. Watch his face. He's just being a jerk about it. Move along, big guy. And peel some of that goatee off so you can glue it to your chest. The camera follows him as he pretends to be surprised about the outcome.

Several others following him can't contain their emotions, including one tantrum-thrower with an afro puff who loses her mind screaming "NO!!!! NO!!!" though what the show has failed to tell us is that this was her reaction to seeing Ryan Seacrest emerge from his hotel room wearing a speedo and a smile.

David Cook's parents just happen to show up magically. The producers didn't plan this at all. No. No possible way. Have any of you noticed yet who the show is REALLY REALLY trying to sell this year?? He was even the focus of a show promo earlier tonight.

James Michael Avance is barely worth comment, beyond the irony of his song choice "When You Say Nothing At All." Pardon, I need to reach over and get my vomit bowl. Not that I have to puke, but I thought maybe if I put it over my head it would deflect the sound. Billy Vinson, who is as wide as he is tall, achieves little more in terms of audio excellence, nor did Chris Jones, who appears to have a uni-eye.

Von Smith promises to be the weird crooner this year, which makes him about as unique as finding a black guy in Nigeria. He's going to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," but the first attempt is aborted with a gust of phlegm. I feel ya, dude. My head is about to explode even as I type this, and I couldn't sing right now if you stuck a pair of jumper cables down my shorts and threatened to start your car. After clearing his throat, Von tears into a screaming jag appropriate for situations in which one has discovered a piranha in one's toilet. Dude, screaming only magnifies your vocal shortcomings. It doesn't erase them. Further pegging my annoyance meter, I get to wait a whole commercial break before I can find out the disposition of this case. Fast forward five minutes and Randy likes his vocals, as does Simon. Paula says "absolutely yes," and Kara likes him too. I'm going to get the speakers on my TV checked tomorrow, because I obviously heard a different audition than these four.

4th runner-up Jason Castro, who hasn't washed his hair since sometime before last season escorts the lead singer from A Flock of Seagulls into the audition room. Apparently Jason is "more girly" than his brother, which is a huge feat considering that Michael is sporting pink hair. Michael Castro allegedly didn't start singing till 20 days before the auditions, and if you believe that, then I'll start the paperwork on that bridge that I'm going to sell you. He's going to sing Gavin DeGraw's "In Love With a Girl." He's good, but I don't know if he's good enough for the show. Simon thinks it's "good-ish," which is Simon for "bloody awful, but you're related to one of our alumni, so I can't say what I really feel." Kara calls him "ballsy." The judges unanimously say yes. They comment on his cockiness, which is apparently the new word for confident, and I totally didn't pick that up from him.

Vaughn English, played here by Big Bird, does some ridiculous thing which gets him immediately dismissed.

Time for another married dude with kids. Chris Daughtry, you're such a trendsetter. Matt Breitzke is a welder/fabricator, which puts him slightly below the oil-derrick guy from last night on the manliness scale, but in terms of Clay Aiken, this guy is a river of testosterone. Paula giggles a bit, which is her first tell that the Coke is still spiked this year. Matt sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and does it well. He really needs to work on his stage presence. Open your eyes, dude! Matt doesn't exactly do well when he gets off the script, either. Randy doesn't care for him, but Paula and Kara just want to rub oil on that big bald head there. Simon kicks in with the girls, and Matt is going to Hollywood.

Jasmine Joseph is somewhere over the rainbow, not just in song, but in hair color. I'm not over the moon about her version of Judy Garland's classic. And it's bye bye time as the judges silently dismiss her.

Jessica Paige Furney lives in a place that really really identifies with the Wizard of Oz. Paula inquires about what kind of head shops there are in Jessica's town. Jess lives there with her crazy grandma, who is positively adorable, if not completely senile. "These are my crazy pills," she screams at the camera, which is just a little too easy to crack a joke about, and she's like 103, so I'll leave her alone. Jessica sings Janis Joplin's "Crybaby," and she does it quite well. I think Jessica has the look, style and personality that will get her a lot of fans among the girls, and she's "girl next door" enough to hook the guys too. She's not skinny, not fat, cute, bubbly and likable. She's confident in her performance, comfortable in her own skin, and I'm curious to see what happens with her as she inexplicably exits to Lifehouse's "You & Me." Seriously, song choice should not just apply to the contestants.

Ah, the friendships that are formed within the Idol experience. They are very real, and I say that with no touch of sarcasm, as I've witnessed some good ones. Carrie and Lindsey, Will and Kevin, Ruben and himself...

Asia and India McClain are sisters, though they don't seem to share one single genetic trait. They claim they're not twins, which is true. They're actually triplets, but Asia ate the third one while waiting in line for auditions. They rap together, which is goofy and all, but now it's time for the real nitty gritty. Asia goes first. As a singer, she's a much better rapper. India, on the other hand, does have some talent. Again, no genetic similarity between the two. But the big one is gonna have to go. India, on the other hand, is on to Hollywood, so long as Asia doesn't eat the golden ticket on the way out.

This last audition actually displays a rather brilliant tactic for passing the auditions: bring someone who is worse than you to make yourself look better. Quite simply, if they suck, then you sound better than you might've if you auditioned solo.

Jamar Rogers is singing "California Dreamin," which is more of a nightmare than a dream. He screams a song that should be kind of mellow. He's got a good voice, but it's WAY overmodulated. Inexplicably, he gets a unanimous yes. I'm not sure if the universe inverted on me, or if it's Opposite Day, but wow. I don't dislike him as a person, but... sigh.

Danny Gokey is a music teacher, and he must be pretty good, since he's been teased before each commercial break. His heartbreaking story is that his wife passed away a few months before this audition. She looks like a beautiful person, and I'm actually very moved by his story. I'm not kidding. I cried. I looked over at my beautiful wife of 2 years, Priscilla, and I thought about how devastating it would be if I ever lost her. I hope I never have to find out what that feels like. God bless you, Danny Gokey. Danny's audition is very good. He reminds me of another music teacher, season 4's Anwar Robinson. I love his voice, and I really want him to succeed. The judges do, as well. This guy is top 10 material, all the way. I really have an issue with the song they played during his exit, though. Did it really have to be The Fray's "How to Save a Life"?? That's not only incredibly tacky; it's incredibly insensitive and borderline cruel. That's just wrong.

And just to make sure we're not still emotional, we get to see a lot of girls who can't sing.

Anoop Desai, played by Kumar, is a master student in folklore. What does one do with such a degree? I haven't read much about folklorists in the classified ads. Well, apparently what you do with this degree is become a musician. "Anoop Dogg" sings rather well. I don't know if I'd have come to audition in the khaki shorts and flip flops, but he more than makes up for it with his voice. I sort of expected something awful, but he surprised me and the judges, and I'm again curious to see how Hollywood week treats this guy.

Where do they find all these mutants for the compilation songs? Watch "Men in Black" and tell me that these people aren't really aliens.

It's gimmick time, so bring on the ridiculous costumes, make-up, puppies, pimp suits, and yes in case you forgot last night, the token flat-chested bikini girl.

I'd fail the next contestant on principle alone, since he sends in two obnoxious cheerleaders, one played by Maggie Gyllenhaal and the other played by the planet Jupiter. Andrew Lang, aside from being painfully gay, is going to play the irony angle and sing the most affected version of "My Girl" he can possibly squeeze through his sphincter. Simon criticizes the cheerleaders, and Jabba the Hutt immediately condemns him to the Sarlacc pit. Maggie Gyllenhaal breaks down into a mess of tears, not because of the judges' decision but because she's desperately trying to be Andrew's girlfriend, despite the fact that he's got a major crush on her brother. Andrew's second performance kills any hope his audition might have once had, and believe it or not, there's another entire cheerleading squad outside waiting for him. There will be no cheers this day, alas. It's over.

Asa Barnes is a high school band director. I hope he's a cooler band director than the one I had in high school, who apparently learned his teaching skills from Mussolini. Asa seems much more chill, though. He does M.J.'s "The Way You Make Me Feel" but can anyone truly do that song as well as Michael? It stretches Asa's higher range just a bit, and he's often nasal and flat, but not altogether unpleasant. Again, the judges hear what they want to hear, and he's on to Hollyweird.

Can I just take a moment and say something about Kara's nose? That is one huge honker. It works well with the rest of her face, though. She's pretty; don't get me wrong. But I bet she could smell a fart by the time it got to your small intestine.

Michael Nicewonder is going to be just terrible. You just know it. There's no way in the universe for him NOT to be terrible. It's not the platinum blonde hair, it's not the "wish I could grow a" mustache. It's just some intangible thing about him that screams suck. Somehow he's related to Hank Williams, though the talent portion of his genes apparently went elsewhere in the lineage. Mike has a signed shirt, and Paula inquires about it, but Simon has already had a butt full of this guy and would rather pry his nails off with a butter knife than converse about it any further. Michael chooses to sing an original song, if you want to call it a song. Basically it's every single trite and cliched lyric that has ever been written (in Kara's songs) combined with the musical stylings of a garbage compactor with a crate of steel crowbars stuck in it. Simon tries to explore the soul of the song in as mocking a way as possible. He wonders who the songs have been written about, and insinuates that they might be about Mike's pets, when they're actually about festering boils and oozing wounds to the ear. Simon asks to hear yet another song, just because he needs to be a jerk about it. Kara acts like she's the best song-writer in the world, and pronounces Mike a terrible song-writer. Simon thinks it would be a great idea for this guy to work for Hallmark, and Paula criticizes Simon because that response is MUCH more patronizing than telling someone to seek out voice-over work. Mike loses his mind and starts crying after his audition, but neither you nor I still care.

Dennis Brigham comes in with a backflip and tells Simon about the dream he had last night, wherein he and Simon danced the lambada and then went with Seacrest over to Africa for Idol Gives Me A Migraine and personally licked everybody in the village before showing up to school naked. Or something like that. He sings a Chris Brown song, "Hey Li'l Mama." It's a bit all over the place, not horrible, but not the best ever either. Dennis breaks into another song, and he's got this sincere deer-in-the-headlights look that makes it hard to break his heart, but someone has to do it sooner or later. Afraid that if he is rejected he might murder them all, Paula says yes, Simon says no, Randy says yes, and Kara gets to decide it. Yellow ticket.

We're almost done, which is good, because I don't know how much longer this sick body can continue sitting up and typing.

Mia Conley looks to be crashing off a meth high and almost sleeps through her audition. She sings Minnie Riperton's "Loving You." I seriously hope she doesn't try for the high note, because my stomach is already uneasy. She should've stayed in bed. She then forgets to stop singing, but a quick punch of the mute button cures all ills. She proceeds to go off, and yet again God is going to make Simon pay for his sins. A lot. Because the Bible tells us not to reject awful singers.

Lil Rounds is from Memphis. She had tragedy strike in the form of the tornado that struck Memphis while I was still living there. I remember that quite well, actually. That tornado actually took out an entire shopping mall. It was also in one of the "bad" parts of Memphis, so we now know that this woman doesn't exactly come from money, which is endearing. Lil's going to do Stevie Wonder, and she sings the living crap out of it. Easy win. Give the girl a golden ticket. I started to compare her to Fantasia, but she's better than Ms. Barrino. The judges all love her too. No surprise that a Fantasia song plays as the mother of three exits. She doesn't need a bodyguard, because that hubby of hers is STACKED. Welcome to the gun show, indeed!

Well, that's enough for the night. Back to the Kleenex and hacking my lungs out.

American Idol 2009: Phoenix AZ Auditions!

2009-01-13T20:44:00.004-06:00

It's time for the new season of American Idol, which means that it's also time for a certain blogger/recapper to get his metaphorical backside in gear and come out of semi-retirement. A number of factors kept me from doing it last year, not the least of which was the fact that I didn't want to, but this year I'm psyched and ready for some auditions! Bring me your offkey, your socially retarded, your huddled masses completely devoid of talent. I have a year's worth of snark to get off my chest.

In preparation, I went to our local Chinese restaurant tonight, where I kid you not, I heard a version of Percy Faith's "When a Man Loves a Woman" played by a five year old blind and possibly deaf xylophonist, and the music was accompanied by the bleating of goats and cattle. I promise I am not making that last part up. Musically, the night can't get much worse...right??

Also I did some research on the new judge, Kara DioGuardi, who wrote a couple of measures in a lot of the worst bubblegum pop songs out there, including songs by Ashlee Simpson and Hannah Montana. I don't know how much fun I can poke at her though, because after watching the video at her website, I became very afraid that she might either own a pizzeria or have mob ties and I'd rather not wake up with a horse's head or a pile of anchovies in my bed with me.

And now...THIS is American Idol.

"In life the microphone passes your lips, but once...fart loudly, because people will appreciate that more than your nonsensical tone-deaf shriekings." Well, that's not the actual quote that was flashed on the screen, but it's going to be the theme for much of the night, I suspect. And I'm sure it's what David Foster was really thinking.

Of course we get to see the obligatory recap of seasons past and moments that this recapper is mortified to remember vividly. Thanks to 19 Entertainment, I will have to somehow sleep tonight with the image of Paula kissing Simon followed by Dirk and Adam gaying out. Don't get me started on crying Ashley and Sanjayjay. Idol, what hath thou wrought?

But then there are the sweet moments with all the good singers that you really liked, which only serves to emphasize the complete void of talent that will parade before your very eyes before this two-hour stunt is done. Cut to Ryan Seacrest narrowly avoiding being justly swallowed by the earth and it's time for the opening titles.

Okay, so THIS is what I missed last year? These two guys? David Something and David Something-Else? And that one girl who severely needs elephant tranquilizers?? On the upside, Crying Ashley may now have someone she can room with at the University of Shame and Embarrassment someday.

This year's self-assuredness-fest begins. I wish I had a dollar for every non-American Idol who has said "I'm the next American Idol!" Multiply that by the number of people ~~hamming~~ crying on camera, and I'd have the salary from one of Ryan Seacrest's twelve jobs.

Back from the first break, and Ryan is back to being swallowed up by the Sarlacc, and he quickly tosses to Phoenix, AZ, before being sacrificed to the patron saints of metrosexuality. The judges arrive in the home of Jordin Sparks, and we get the first few shots of Kara DioGuardi, who is qualified based on the fact that Simon couldn't pronounce her name properly if his life depended on it. "Kahhhhra," he says. It's insane. Just ask Pauler and TAM-uh-ka.

Anyways, the table is set, so bring on the young impressionable ingenues whose every dream and illusion are about to be ripped from them forcibly and irrevocably within the span of sixty seconds.

Tuan Nguyen and his hair enters the building. He feels that by doing a dance he learned in JROTC--presumably part of the requisite hazing--that he'll be more marketable, but the fact is that his hair will cost at least $25 extra in the deal. Maybe Corey Clark's record label is scouting for talent? Tuan sucks down a bottle of water as though the antidote for cancer is at the bottom and he's just found out that his lymph node is swollen. If he drinks that water any harder, the bottle is going to invert, fly in and shoot out of his butt. He sings M.J.'s "The Way You Make Me Feel (Completely Naseous)" and predictably sucks at it. Randy starts out patronizing him, as if it wouldn't be kinder to just say "hey you're really bad and should never sing again," and Kara just kind of cuts the crap and goes for the jugular. At this point, nobody remaining in the hotel (or truthfully in the viewing audience) cares what Paula thinks, and we already had enough of Simon interjecting himself throughout the whole audition, so the production assistants vaseline the door so Tuan can wedge his hair through as he departs on the way to mediocrity.

Emily Wynne-Hughes gets a video package, so she's probably pretty good, even though her hair was styled by Toucan Sam. She sings "Barracuda" as made famous by Heart. She falls fairly flat on several notes, but she does ape Ann Wilson rather well. (Insert the word "karaoke" in here somewhere.) I would question her passing to Hollywood, but I wouldn't object either. We'll see how good she is in the later rounds. Thanks to Constantine Maroulis, we now have an annual American Idol Tradition: the singer who has a band, but y'know the heck with them, there'll be other friends later. Loyalty is SO over-rated. Simon's not happy with that fact, but he approves her, as do the other ~~puppets~~ judges. And of course Emily jumps at the opportunity, but if she doesn't make it, she's gonna have a really awkward time working with her band-mates at the Tastee Freeze every 9 to 5.

Randy Madden, played here by a coked-out Edward Norton, dresses like Tommy Lee's "special" brother and wants validation from the judges. He sings "Living on a Prayer" as made famous by Bon Jovi. Unfortunately for him, he's singing the 1994 remix version, which nobody knows and which isn't terrible, but is kinda limp at the same time. Even Jon Bon Jovi didn't sound right singing it. I'd give him a second listen if he weren't so stinking annoying and if I didn't think I'd find him sharing needles with Lindsey Lohan out back of the studio when he was supposed to be recording. Simon isn't having any of it, and Paula isn't either. Kara can't wait to jump in and destroy his dreams either. She thinks he hasn't worked hard enough (translation: is FAR too ugly for the show), and it's a unanimous NO down the line. See ya.

J.B. Ahfua has a sweet voice, which makes up for the surname that I had to retype five times before getting it right. Despite the fact that vowels outnumber consonants in his name, J.B. is an easy win. Love him. Simon tells him to loosen up, and he's going to Hollywood, and there are certainly NO uptight people in LaLa Land. As quick as J.B.'s on the screen, he's off again, because y'know who wants to dwell on someone that's actually good, right?

Michael Grrr, played here by Joaquin Phoenix on heavy medication, is scared to death, and he can't help but involve the whole room in it. Actually I didn't catch the spelling of his last name, so I went with the phonetic spelling, largely because that's the reaction that these poseur actors give me when they perform their antics just to get on the tube. And then Michael starts to sing. Ladies and gentlemen, the lost BeeGee! The one they intentionally left at a rest-stop in Kansas when they were still a garage band. Awful. Just awful. And of course after being thoroughly ridiculed, he's summarily ejected. He leaves the room, a trickle of pee running down his leg and collapses into a heap in order to get more camera exposure. He peels a banana, which others surrounding him immediately grab and start shoving in their ears.

Will Kunick reprises Michael's performance, and D.J. Bradley, a hillbilly sort of Matt Damon, screeches. Shawn Vasquez rocks the Mr. T haircut and oozes androgyny as she murders Dionne Warwick.

Aundre "X-Ray" Caraway can't remember "Karla's" name, which puts him on the same level with Simon. He bursts into the room, guitar in hand, grease in hair, and adrenaline in vein. He definitely has the energy. And y'know, his voice isn't all that terribly bad, but he didn't really choose to showcase any one talent. I thought he was fun, though. The judges don't really get it, but he's one of those guys who doesn't know when the welcome mat has literally been yanked out from under him and used to beat him about the ears. They send his jheri curl butt out via a large security guard who appears to have moons orbiting him.

Time for this year's jailbait. She gets a whole video package, and doing the A.I. math...let's see, "cute" plus "sweet" plus "does volunteer work" plus "teenaged", Arianna Afsar is a sure shot. And if nothing else, she could certainly be Vanessa Hudgens' stunt double in High School Musical 9: the Revenge. I like her choice of audition song, but it's a bit mature for her, and "Put Your Records On" sort of shoots JUST slightly outside the high side of her vocal range. Still, like I said before, she's an easy Hollywood candidate. And since she's good, we can no longer justify her having any more camera time tonight.

Day Two, and we're still in Phoenix. And there are still plenty of guys who smack themselves repeatedly in the groin prior to auditioning, apparently.

Elijah Scarlett is not one of those guys. He has a voice that makes Barry White sound like Michael Jackson. I like listening to him talk, and I have had that voice only when extremely laryngitic. I like him, but Simon is of course tentative. He performs "My First, My Last, My Everything," and it's not that he's bad, but it really sounds like someone playing a 45 record at 33.3 RPM. I don't want to listen to him sing, but I do wanna shoot hoops with the guy. Paula pulls out the voice-over card, which is her stock way of patronizing the heck out of someone. Remember when she told the one guy to audition for the voice of a mouse? Who knows what she said to the guy who voiced M.C. Skat Kat?

Lea Marie Golde is annoying right out of the chute, pink Yosemite Sam hat and all. After about five seconds of listening to her, I really want to stab myself. In the heart. WITH A SPORK. A PLASTIC ONE FROM KFC. Because the pain of cutting out my aorta with that blunt instrument would be better than listening to her speak for even three scant seconds. She has a major crush on Kara DioGuardi. Admit it, y'all, you never heard of her before this either, so really, how much of this is this annoying chick putting on? She's got the jailbait skirt on, and because she's a teenager, I can't comment on the thunder thighs, but I do know where my tub of cottage cheese went to. She's not a bad singer, but she does the Kellie Pickler thing where she sings directly through her nose. Given that she's into techno and dance music, she'd be okay with Pro Tools HEAVILY applied to her voice. The judges pick up on this. Lea talks some more, and the more she talks, the more I think that I might use a bent straw instead of a spork. Kara gets the unenviable task of breaking her biggest and perhaps only fan's heart, but fortunately Lea's "talk" reflex makes her impervious to pain, and she leaves the audition room jabbering and threatening her return much like Skeletor at the end of a He-Man movie. My spork is safe for now.

Stevie Wright could've murdered someone on camera and been less objectionable than Lea, so she's got an automatic 50 points to her credit. She's likable, and she picks "At Last" to perform, which is another automatic 50 points in my book. And then she proceeds to sing the living crap out of it. The only drawback, in my opinion, is that her black and white spotted blouse makes her look like she skinned a jersey cow and wore its hide into the audition. I want this girl to do great things, and I'm a fan. The judges love her, though Simon thinks she should really try to be more of a jerk. Great advice for sixteen year olds, Simon.

Michael Sarver, played by Toby Keith on steroids, is a roughneck on an oil rig. In other words, he eats metal and craps nails, he's that tough. He and Chuck Norris get up and save the world for democracy before breakfast every morning. He's a married dude with a child, as if it already wasn't horribly in our face how unbelievably virile he is. He's also a good singer. I do see country music in this guy's future, though. Okay, okay, I'm a fan. I want him to succeed. Randy loves him, Kara wants to bear his children, Paula says yes, and you can tell that Simon really wants to hug him.

A series of bad singers vie for screen time, but nothing gets screen time like...

A miniscule bikini and a perfect body. Ryan pretends not to be gay for just a moment, but isn't convincing about it. Randy and Simon take their opportunity and have her turn around, flex, and show off the goodies. The only thing missing is the stripper pole. I'm pretty sure she'd let them feel her up if it would get her a golden ticket. Katrina Darrell is the tart's name, and she actually can sing, but I don't for one second want her to get through. And yes, the body is okay, but if you look above the neck, you realize she's a total butterface. I don't like her for the same reason I didn't like Haley Scarnato: she uses sex to sell what is deficient in her actual singing. Simon and Randy say yes, simply because she's 99 percent naked. Kara is in my camp and vociferously objects to the whoring up of the show. Kara and Katrina get into a rap battle right then and there, and Simon breaks in before they have a break-dancing competition. Slut girl makes it into Hollywood, but there's no chance she'll make it past Hollywood. She kisses Ryan outside, and he shows absolutely no reaction to it, possibly because it was his first girl smooch.

Again, Simon, it's CARE-uh, not CAHR-uh. Kara. Like Supergirl's Kara. Like how you CARE-uh about money. Maybe that'll help.

Eric "Sexual Chocolate" Thomas, played by Usher's defecation after nickel burrito night, is all about himself. Randy and Sexual go on trying to out-black each other, and the girls all want to see the mis-spelled tatt. He chooses to sing a Stevie Wonder song entirely without the use of his diaphragm (not THAT one, sicko). If S.C. fails, he gets a car, and the good news is that he can use the tape deck in his new hoopty to practice his vocals outside of range of the A.I. microphones. Bye bye, Sexual.

Brianna Quijadda is all full of energy. She's going to do a Deniece Williams song, you may have heard of it, called "Let's Hear It For the Boy." She does an okay job at it. Her voice isn't quite as strong as I'd like, but I'm okay with it. What I'm not okay with is her calling our resident British judge "Simey." That's pretty much the clincher in my vote at least. Really, she's not as bad as Simey and Randy act, but there's little chance she's getting too far in this competition, despite being more talented than Miley Cyrus or most of the other singers Kara has written for. Randy and Kara say no, Paula gives her the pity "yes" and then Simon, just to be spiteful, kicks her up to Hollywood. You know he does this just to irritate Nigel.

Now we get to see all the families that have contributed to the delusions of these misguided kids.

But not for Deanna Brown, who is a LARGE girl. Not fat, but TALL. Her family doesn't love her enough to come with her, but that doesn't stop her from adopting a family and choosing to murder "Dock of the Bay" as her audition song. I didn't care for her rendition at all, but all of the judges are only like 5'3, and they don't want to get their butts kicked, so they give her a shot. Maybe she'll win me over later.

Cody Sheldon, played by Natalie Portman, is an amateur horror film maker, whose work you might recognize from Cloverfield. He chose the song "Wonderful World" which is NOT the Louis Armstrong song. He does a decent job singing it, I guess. But he did mention that he could totally hook Paula up with some major doobage, so he gets through.

Alex Trugman is quite a bit nerdy, and Simon is desperate to prove that this kid is gay. I missed most of his intro due to the fact that I was screaming at my computer for having the audacity to shut down while I was typing just because I hadn't done some little thing like plugging it into the wall. The nerve of modern technology! Anyway, Alex plays the Randy card and sings "Baby Come to Me" and does it rather well. Alex holds his own and actually gets the last word with Simon, for now, and the other three judges vote him in just to take the mickey out of Simon.

Time for another montage that was most certainly NOT sung in front of the 4 judges. This is one of those things the producers set up every year with the bad contestants. It's not worth really commenting on, particularly because these are the same bad singers we've seen already.

Scott McIntyre is blind. I could listen to him play piano for hours. I'm not going to go easy on him because of his handicap, but come on, how could you not be impressed with what this guy has done with his life? He entered college at 14 and graduated at 19. He sings, and I don't care what song it is, because it's gorgeous. Ladies and gentlemen, this may be the winner of the whole shooting match here. I'm thinking at least top 10. And I'll call and vote for him each time.

And with that, the first night of this year's American Idol. I'll be back tomorrow night with more analysis!

In case you were still lurking and wondering...

2009-01-13T10:30:00.002-06:00

...the answer is...

Yes.

Attack of the Killer Underwear!

2008-06-19T20:18:00.004-05:00

Every once in a while you've got to let someone else be the celebrity. That, I suppose, is what happened when I took my baby beagle with me to the summer camp tonight. My friend was speaking to the kids, so I was there to lend moral support (and truthfully to get out of the house a bit. There are only so many episodes of Cops that one man can watch in his lifetime.) Anyway, my dog--Shorty, who has somehow forgiven me for giving him that name--is apparently quite skilled at attracting the young female sort. I've never seen a dog celebrity before, but the way people lost their minds over the 9 week old puppy must be similar to what happens to, say, Katie Holmes on a day-to-day basis. (And no, I'm not referring to her looks, either, although now that I mention it...) I'm sure my parents knew about this phenomenon when I was growing up, but it's a shame nobody chose to share it with me when I was a teenager. So many women I could've attracted! As it was, I had to use my wit and charm to finally attract my wife. No wonder it took me 30 years to get married!

So anyway, on to things that have happened today that make me wonder when the apocalypse might be coming, and if it wouldn't mind hurrying up and getting here...

I have to say that I'm glad that I don't live in the UK, where people actually care about David Beckham and spend large portions of the day thinking or reading about him. It's bad enough that we here in the states have to witness him clad only in a pair of tighty whities, teabagging the camera, in Macy's ads running in (where else) San Francisco. But then again...America does have Brangelina and TomKat and ObaMcCain... Second thought, anybody know what the going rate is on a nice place in the Cotswolds?? As long as the Brits understand that I'll never call soccer "football."

London is also home to Amy Winehouse, whose latest blood sample consisted of 5% alcohol, 20% hallucinogenic drugs, and 75% black tar heroine. According to what I read, she's still hospitalized for essentially Being Amy Winehouse, which I actually think might be a new medical diagnosis. (Symptoms, drunkenness, passing out, generally failing at life, yup, that's B.A.W.! Take two hits of acid and call me in the morning.) Y'know, I respect the woman's music, but I'm amazed at how we as the general public are willing to just sit and actually watch her literally die in front of our eyes. I actually heard someone say this once: "she needs to stay on the drugs, because if she doesn't, her music will start to suck." You know what? That's okay if that happens. If she can never write another note of music, the woman just needs to get well. Let's face it; if you were in the same hospital with Amy, you'd be disinfecting everything you saw her touch. (I can hear the nurse now: "Which tests do you want run on Ms. Winehouse, doctor?" His reply? "All of them.") I thought "Rehab" was a fun song, but I'd much rather see her fade into obscurity if it meant her survival.

Speaking of high class individuals, how about that Charlie Sheen? I read a transcript on the Smoking Gun a couple of weeks ago of the voice mail he left for Denise Richards, his ex-wife in which he called her an effing C-word and an effing N-word. Now the first one I understand, but to use a racial slur against Denise Richards doesn't make a whole lot of sense, since she's so white she's almost clear. That's like calling Osama bin Laden an effing Jew or Chris Rock an effing cracker. Anyway, nobody ever accused ol' Charles of being fully in charge of himself, but if you look through some of the files at The Smoking Gun (note: language, not work safe) on the topic, you'll probably choose to never ever financially support Mr. Sheen or his movies ever again. For those of you who don't care to read, here's a basic script of their interactions:

Denise: Charlie, you need to stop breaking furniture and having sex with transsexual hookers right now, or I'll leave you, or at least make you boil yourself before I'll touch you.
Charlie: F you, you effing N-word. I'll ruin your life!
Denise: That's it! You get out of here right now!
Charlie: No.
Denise: OK.
(Rinse and repeat for roughly 5 years.)

Oh, and Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby. Hopefully they'll go ahead and get the little girl spayed to keep any more stray Spears children from over-populating. The family was unavailable for further comment because they were busy fixing up the double-wide next door as a nursery. Next up for the former Zoey 101 star, a five week seminar which will teach her how to place a quarter between each knee cap and not let it drop until she's either (A.) married to Kevin Federline or (B.) at least finished breast-feeding the first baby.

But there is one story out there that has restored my faith in humanity today. I'm sure you'll agree with me that there could be nothing more horrendous than for a person to be viciously attacked by their underwear, but sad to say, it has happened. The unfortunate victim is one Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic cop, and she has filed suit against Victoria's Secret, claiming that her thong panties turned against her by launching a missile attack directed at her corneal region. (That's part of the eye, you perverts.) I promise this is a true story. You just can't make stuff like this up. Apparently a metal staple that was used to hold on a rhinestone heart could no longer live with itself and was forced to commit suicide by catapulting from Ms. Patterson's butt-floss, hitting her square in the eye. Patterson wants to sue Victoria's Secret for selling her the faulty unmentionables. I contend that this occurrence is just the universe trying to tell us two things: (1.) Traffic cops are so useless and disgusting that even their own underwear doesn't like them. (2.) It's unacceptable for those who are well into their middle-age spread to try to wear underwear that is designed to be worn by 18 year olds in stiletto heels.

Anyway...that's the news as I see it today. Oh, and by the way, if any of you are considering upgrading your browser to Firefox 3, I urge you to think twice. I have been massively unimpressed by its performance, and I'm considering downgrading back to Firefox 2 until they work the kinks out.

Random Ramblings

2008-06-18T22:16:00.003-05:00

I'm finding the music and entertainment news section of Google today to be relatively vapid and uninteresting. I know, I know, how's that different from any other day, right?

It seems like when I was a teen it was easy to get excited about what Metallica was doing or wondering what was going to be Run DMC's next single. Nowadays it's like who cares? Maybe I'm growing up to be my dad, who officially stopped caring what musicians were doing at the conclusion of the 1950's. I wonder sometimes if I'll be one of "those guys" whose record collection consists only of the hot artists of my own generation and who poo-poos these new artists. I'd like to think not, and my digital collection is completely current, but there's a big difference between what's on my computer and what's physically on my CD rack.

Anyway, on to what the entertainment news du jour contains.

So, Britney Spears is moving down to be with her preggo kid sister, eh? You know what they say, birds from the same trailer flock together. Yeah, I just called Britney a bird, which I suppose is better than calling her a baby-factory, vajayjay-flashing whore. Kinda sad to see little Jamie Lynn following in her footsteps. I have to admit, I didn't realize that nine months had gone by, but I guess the time has come for the youngest Spears to add her contribution to the group of kids who will inevitably be wondering around the Spears family reunion saying things like "are you my daddy?" or "please kill me before I grow up to be one of you."

Li'l Wayne has the best selling album? Isn't he one of those guys who only shows up on other peoples' CDs?? Based on his recent singles, I'm baffled that the album even showed up. Rumor has it that Young Jeezy wasn't actually drunk when he got arrested recently; Li'l Wayne was on the radio, and Jeezy was just trying feverishly to change the channel.

I do, however, feel genuinely sad for the families of Tim Russert and Cyd Charisse, both of whom passed this week, and I join the rest of you in saying "why couldn't it have been Mario Lopez?"

Speaking of overrated Lopezes, Jennifer Lopez makes an appearance at an elementary school graduation for autistic kids. She must be really getting desperate for venues. Either that or she was there for tutoring. Guess we'll find out if she starts including a "sitting down, rocking back and forth" dance move into her stage show. No word on whether any children were injured by her planet-eating backside during the event.

But the crowning story of the day is how three Brooklyn high-schoolers put chocolate laxative into their graduation cake. Now you know me, and you know I don't want anybody to get hurt, but c'mon...every last one of you know that you've thought of doing it, and you're secretly jealous that these guys actually went through with it. For me, it would've been a special cupcake for my spanish teacher. I would've ruled the school for having him erupting over the boys' room dumper. Of course, nobody would've ever been able to sneak a smoke break in there for a couple of days without the risk of a mini-Hiroshima going off, but that's the price you pay. El burrito es muy bueno!

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for the day. Enjoy.

Oh, and while you're enjoying, just thought I'd point out that Brooke Barrettsmith's new single "Farewell" is now available on iTunes. (Click the link to get it.) Just thought I'd plug it again, since she left me such a nice comment on Myspace today.

A Few New Developments

2008-06-14T00:51:00.003-05:00

I've begun Phase I of the re-launch of my internet presence. I figured it was about time, especially since several of you have left kind comments. (You'll never know how much they mean to me!) We've gotten settled in to our new location, and so it's time for me to get back in the swing of things, at least one piece at a time.

First: Someone or something hijacked my Myspace profile. (Am I the only one who feels like I'm stuttering when I say "my Myspace"??) I can't seem to get this resolved with Myspace, so I've thrown my hands in the air, waved them like I just don't care, and created a new Myspace profile. I'm in the process of going through the old friend list and sending out new friend requests. Those of you who were on the list before, be on the lookout for my new request. Don't delete my old account from your friend list just yet, because I want to make sure I get all of you. If you want to save me the trouble, you can visit my new profile at myspace.com/therealjdmatthews.

While you're there, you should check out the song I have on my profile. It's from Brooke Barrettsmith, whom I hope you'll remember as being a long-time friend to this blog. Her new album is complete and available for pre-order. By the way, if you order now, you can get the CD autographed as well. For $9.97 plus shipping/handling, that's a GREAT deal. The two songs she has on her Myspace profile are both great. Check them out.

Also, Dani McCulloch shot me an email today saying that she just wrapped on her first video shoot that will premiere at the Paradiso in Memphis TN on Thursday. That's a pretty huge event, as it will be on the grand screen, and I really hate I can't be there to see it. She's got a lot of things in the works, and she's a great live performer, so check her out as well.

2008-06-13T09:24:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in the waiting room of the surgical ward of our local hospital, waiting for a friend to come out of back surgery. Not much humorous about that, but I'm quite grateful for the fact that the hospital saw fit to install a wireless network so that I'm able to write to keep my mind occupied, rather than having to read the mindless magazines that the gift shop keeps on hand or the dusty old books that are piled up in the corner. I've come to realize that there's a reason why people donate these old books: they're either no good or they're so widely read that everybody in the world has already read them and therefore there's no reason to retain them in one's personal collection.

I was speaking to a friend last night who I hadn't spoken to since last season of American Idol. She asked me what had happened, and I told her basically what I said in the last post here, and told her I thought it was strange that a whole season had passed, and I still had no idea who David Cook or David Archuleta are. The only exception is that I happened to hear David Cook's single on the internet the other day. I assume it's the winner's song, because it's about as cheesy as the rest of them were, only from the one time I listened to it, I can only say that I felt it was wholly unremarkable but his voice at least sounded decent.

You'd be amazed what I've found to do with Tuesday and Wednesday nights, though. Priscilla and I have found time to do some traveling, shopping, visiting, and most recently start raising a puppy and kitten.

And the world has gone on.

But don't think I've forgotten about my promise to come back to writing. I'm still working on ideas to re-launch.

Just Sticking My Head In... (A Note to the Fans Who Have Asked)

2008-04-05T01:09:00.002-05:00

Hi guys,

I've gotten quite a few messages from a lot of you who are wondering where I am, and where my American Idol coverage went. I haven't answered very many of you, because I honestly didn't know what I would do for the rest of this season.

For starters, I had trouble initially with having time to devote to this blog. One thing I was concerned about way before I had anybody even reading this blog was that the blog always be done as well as I could do it, and between the job I was at when I last posted and my new marriage, I didn't have the time to devote to the blog to make it worth your read. And by the time season 7 of American Idol rolled around, I was having to record the audition episodes, watch them on another night, and generally speaking by the time I watched them, I was too tired to really enjoy them. That plus I was dealing with a temporary dial-up connection which made getting online more aggravating than it was worth.

And I realized one thing that was even more important... I wasn't having fun with it anymore.

My short list of annoyances were as follows:

--I was getting tired of Idol. It wasn't so much the show as it was the fans. Never in my life have I seen a more volatile group of people who, through the anonymity of the internet, would say such unbelievably hurtful and mean things about someone just because of their preference of a singer. Now before you object, I realize that I made fun of certain people. But the fact is that I never once, not even in Kellie Pickler's case, meant it as a personal gesture or insult. It was always in good fun, and meant for us all to laugh at the absurdity of it. But there were people who sent me some really not-so-nice stuff, both in the comments here and in private emails and messages, that were extremely hurtful and ugly, and they just took away the fun of the show.

--How many jokes can you make about a show? To tell the truth, I was running out of material.

--The Idol Waves show. Actually, I loved doing the show, and the show will always be special to me. If Idol Waves management wants me back, I'd probably still do the show again, when I can focus on it. I continued the show a bit longer--about six months after my last posting here--going as far as to record 2007's Christmas special, but my heart wasn't in it, and I think it showed, especially on the last few episodes. Priscilla loved the show too, but her extreme self-consciousness about how her voice sounds made the show a bit more nerve-wracking than she would have liked, and since my job was packing in long hours and a long commute, the time I spent in the editing bay for the show was becoming a drain on our time together, and I wanted to give that time to her. So, y'know, you have to cut some things loose.

--I also got fired at Reality TV Magazine for not answering an email quickly enough, which was stupid, and certainly a big fat "no thank you" for helping make sure that they had any Idols at all at the Reality Convention, a favor that I most likely won't be returning any time soon. Apparently new management has taken over at that site, and it's corporately owned now by the same people who run soaps.com. Another example of a great fan site being destroyed by a corporate money-making machine.

--And speaking of the convention, although I had a great time with the stars (particularly Heather Cox, Dani McCulloch, and Will Makar) I was highly disappointed with the way that it turned out.

It's been refreshing, really, taking this break. As hard as it may be to believe, I haven't seen any episodes of American Idol this season since the end of the auditions, and that has freed my time up considerably. Priscilla and I have re-located to a much better and more rewarding job. I've had a moment to pull back out of the spotlight. I've no delusions of grandeur, but the small amount of fame I was getting certainly caught me off-guard, and I wasn't really ready for some of the responsibilities of it. And though I miss sharing 3 hours of Idol music with the faithful listeners, I've definitely not missed the 8 hours it takes to produce the show. (Yeah, you read that right. Show prep is tough, and post-production is even tougher!)

So for now, it's back to square one. In fact, I'm not all that sure any of you are still checking in or reading me. I haven't checked the page hit counter in months.

To answer the questions that any of you who haven't forgotten about me might have:

Will I be writing more? Yes. I fully intend to start writing again, here in these very pages. I've posted some articles at another site which I shall not mention because the articles were not written as my best work, and I'd rather not take credit for them. They were simply written as exercises to sharpen me up for coming back here.

Will I be writing about Idol? I don't know. My answer to that varies from day to day. The only thing I'm really sure about is that I will not be writing about this season, as I haven't watched it and don't really want to spend the time catching up on it. Perhaps next year, Idol will again be my focal point, but until then, I'm just going to write about whatever it feels good to write about.

Will I still be funny? I hope so. I'm hoping to start writing more humor, because laughing makes me feel good, and I laugh at my own jokes even if nobody else does.

And if I'm the only one reading it, that's okay too! If you're still reading, you'll never know how much that means to me.

Ask Not What Your Country Can Pay To You...

2007-08-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

From the What Is The World Coming To? Department...

A lot of entities have a huge stake in the constant copyright battle that is YouTube. There's a great deal of disparity among the combatants. Some, like CBS, have laid down their arms, brokered deals, and wrapped their arms around the Grawp-like social media behemoth. Others continue to treat it more like a Goliath that must be struck down with the pebble that is the Digital Millenium Copyright Act.

One might be able to understand the struggle over content when it comes to pieces that were obviously produced for commercial retail. Though I feel a music video's presence on YouTube is in the long run beneficial for the artist and record company, I can see their argument over the distribution of their copyrighted material. I can see television studios argument over the placement of clips from the Daily Show or clips from shows like Smallville or Gilmore Girls on the service. (However, if you gave me a choice between watching a grainy four inch flash version of the show versus buying the DVD and watching it in all its gloriousness on my widescreen HDTV, the choice would be a no-brainer.) In the smallest way, I can understand sort of why restaurant staff can't sing "Happy Birthday To You" without it being considered a public performance for pay and thereby subjecting them to copyright violation liability, at least until the year 2030, when the song, written in 1893, will finally fall into the public domain, providing that the copyright isn't renewed. (Okay, I lied. I can't understand that one.)

But what I simply can't understand is the fact that some are suing YouTube over NEWS FOOTAGE. In particular, the greatest threat to YouTube at this moment is a man by the name of Bob Tur. You have no clue who he is, but you've seen his video footage of the beating of Reginald Denny during the 1992 Rodney King riots in Los Angeles millions of times. His video, shot from a helicopter, was the centerpiece of most newscasts, and to this day the images therein are iconic of one of the ugliest days in our nation's short history.

Bob Tur is hopping mad because nobody is paying him to watch this video on YouTube. Not that he hasn't already had a huge payday from it already. To date, Bob has made approximately $5 million from licensing the video. Bob and his company, Los Angeles News Service, also own the majority of video of the O.J. Simpson bronco chase, which has made them wealthy beyond most of our wildest dreams.

I wonder how much Bob Tur pays Reginald Denny every time he licenses out the video that shows him getting his brains beaten in. I wonder if Bob ever thought of landing his helicopter, which had already sustained $200,000 in damage, in order to try to help Denny, instead of doing as he did, which was to just stay in the air filming it while gangbangers shot at the chopper. I guess if there's not a payday, Bob won't do it.

The question in my mind is this: in the future, what will be our country's recorded history? Will it be a compendium of licensed accounts? Will stuff be left out of it simply because the author of the book or the films can't afford to license recorded history? When we recount the horrific images of 9/11, will we be able to show children 30 years from now the spine-tingling image of a plane crashing into a tower, or will CNN or Bob Tur own the right to that? One can only imagine John F. Kennedy trademarking his "ask not what your country can do for you," and history writers being forced to give royalties to his estate every time they print it. What if we had to pay the family of Benjamin Franklin every time an almanac was used, or worse yet, each of the sayings from them?

Another day...another step toward Orwell's vision...

Party Like a White Girl

2007-08-03T19:39:00.001-05:00

The following YouTube video comes from none other than American Idol Season 5's own Marcie Smith. (If you don't remember, she was the one who was Brenna Gethers' arch-nemesis in Hollywood.)

Apparently Marcie has quite a sense of humor, and she shares my love for the Shop Boyz song "Party Like a Rock Star."

After you've watched the video, which parodies the song, as well as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears (in that order), check out Marcie online at www.myspace.com/musicbymarcie. Check out her more serious material. She's a really great person and totally talented.

That Old Time Rock & Roll

2007-07-31T20:42:00.000-05:00

Every now and then, when I walk into a store, I feel like I live in the 80's again. It could be any store, really. For example, I was in Target the other day, shopping for clothes with my wife. I actually saw leg warmers for sale. (And yes, they still look as ugly as they did back then. Heaven help us if we go back to the whole "big hair" thing.) We walked past the toy section which was crowded with displays of Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and G.I. Joe. The girls clothing had My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, and Care Bears stamped all over them. And as we left to go to the movie theatre, the marquee reflected titles like "Transformers," "Die Hard," "Underdog" and "The Simpsons" at us.

But nowhere does it feel more like old times than in the record section. (For those of you born in the mid-90's or later, that's where they sell music. It's a record section. Get over it.) More and more, I'm seeing titles from bands that I thought went out of style at the same time as bell-bottoms or at the very least neon suspenders. But they're there. They are either coming back or have just been here all along without us noticing it until now. And it looks like that trend isn't going to change anytime soon.

I found out The Eagles are back in the studio. Word is they're producing their first full-length studio set since 1979's "The Long Run." And while Joe Walsh, Don Henley, Glenn Frey and Tim Schmit are all so old that they fart dust, I still find myself anxious to hear the album, so much so that I've pulled out my "Hotel California" CD for the morning commute tomorrow. I'm excited at the chance to possibly catch them on tour too.

Then I saw that Guns N' Roses members were contemplating a reunion, and got the sudden urge to grow a mullet. I remember quite clearly riding a BMX bike with a huge boombox on the handlebars blasting out "Welcome to the Jungle" much to the consternation of local residents who didn't have the musical sophistication to know that Axl Rose and Slash were musical geniuses, at least for a couple of albums. I remember also when MTV featured, supposedly, a special appearance by GNR on the VMAs, only to disappoint me by showing me a band made up of Axl Rose and these other guys. (I do love Buckethead, but not as a member of GNR.)

Led Zeppelin isn't far behind in this trend, with three new releases of old and rare material in the month of November. Hmm. Spend my money on a new Maroon 5 CD or Fall Out Boy album, or get to listen to freshly printed versions of "Black Dog" and "Misty Mountain Hop?" I think the choice is clear.

Last year, I hit the roof when I heard that Queensryche had released "Operation Mindcrime II," a follow-up to one of my favorite heavy-metal albums of all time. Now, they're getting ready to hit the road in September with Alice Cooper, as well as releasing a "best of" 2-disc compilation, with rare tracks from Geoff Tate's previous band, "Myth." Queensryche, ever the masters of social commentary, have managed to stay spectacularly relevant.

Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers will be releasing his new album. Suddenly visions of Demi Moore, a clay pot, and "Unchained Melody" are visiting my brain again.

And of course, as a Memphian, I couldn't help but notice that Elvis is still making money hand over posthumous fist, so much so that CKX is planning to overhaul Graceland's neighborhood, which was just short of a demilitarized zone last time I checked.

With all the proven goodness from "classic" rock still making waves on the current music scene, it must be even more difficult these days to break through. I doubt much that it has anything to do with the old-timers' refusal to go away. I rather think it's more apt to say that current and up-and-coming artists are having a hard time, given the current system, creating new music that in any way equals their predecessors artistically.

And quite frankly, with the graduate class still around, who needs the upstart freshmen? There are certainly notable exceptions, but on the whole, today's artists are becoming more and more difficult to relate to, at least within the circus of the mainstream. Who cares if Eminem sues iTunes?? Tupac Shakur will always be releasing underground material. What do I care if he's been dead for more than 10 years? Does it really matter if Mindy McCready gets arrested?? I still have my Reba McEntire. So Kelly Clarkson is suffering from depression after having been thrown butt first into the lap of luxury? So what! I can get all of that from Pat Benatar or The Bangles. They're still around. When I think of having to deal with the likes of Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, I find myself more drawn to KISS, even if Paul Stanley had to miss a couple of shows due to heart problems.

Why do we love the oldies but goodies so? Maybe it's because we grew up with them. But I submit that there's another factor, also. The fact is this: music was fun back then. I don't care if you were into the most goth punk rock or death metal or whatever, it was STILL a lot less stressful being a music fan back then. Bootlegging wasn't a crime; it was actually encouraged! Different radio stations around the dial played different music and weren't all owned by one huge megacorporation. The DJs who spun the music weren't digitally recorded and interspersed into the music by computer. They actually sat there, took your requests, and occasionally introduced you to something that you needed to hear. Music was great. You met up with your friends and swapped tapes, or you went over to their house and sat and listened to their latest vinyl. You pretended you were with them on stage, played air guitar, and sang along.

Seriously, when's the last time you played air guitar? Check on that, okay?

One word on comebacks, though: Backstreet Boys... you might want to wait another decade or two. That way, people who grew up with you will be hitting their stride in nostalgia. For now, give me my re-issued Sex Pistols debut, and crank up the Seger. I want my old time rock n' roll!

Everything That You Ever Wanted

2007-07-29T21:27:00.000-05:00

Priscilla and I are always on the search for good live music as well as a good baseball game. It's a rare occasion when we get to have both, but today was just such a day.

For months we've been hearing about Hawk Nelson. The band is comprised of Jason Dunn on vocals, Daniel Biro on bass, Jonathan Steingard on guitar and Sqwid (yes, Sqwid) on drums.

Before I get into telling you about the band, I just have to get one thing off my chest. The Memphis Redbirds, the team who hosted this event, did a horrific job with promoting and selling tickets to the show, particularly with regard to online sales and phone orders. The concert was listed as a promotional event, and pretty much all the events that are listed as such throughout the year are included with the price of the ticket. (For example: fireworks, giveaway jerseys, etc.) This one, however, was NOT included in the price of the ticket UNLESS you bought a special package. I never saw this on the website.

So once I got to the game and sat in the expensive seats I had purchased behind home plate, I rudely found out--somewhere in the fourth inning--that I would not be allowed to hang around for the concert afterward. You can imagine my dismay, as that was the primary reason for our attendance. Of course, I immediately went to address this with the Will Call office (which, by the way, had screwed up my tickets earlier and charged me for a game that I didn't go to) and I was subsequently met with an argumentative representative who insisted that despite the growing line of concerned ticket-holders who were piling up to complain during the fifth inning that it was painfully obvious to anyone who wasn't a complete retard that the concert admission was a separate charge. According to this person, I should've bought tickets that were half the price of the ones I had and they would've come complete with concert admission. Essentially, for spending less, I would've gotten more. I sat there, utterly flabbergasted at the thought of pricier tickets being of lesser value and also irritated at having to miss part of the game I paid so much for, as well as wondering how disappointed Priscilla would be, since she had been looking forward to this show for months.

I argued my way through a couple of managers and all the way up to the ticket manager, who stood there and argued with me till I he was blue in the face that the website clearly stated the prices, and basically screw you, and pay $20 more to get the wristbands that would allow admission, even though, as I repeatedly mentioned, my tickets cost more than double what those tickets cost. In any case, I finally argued him down to switching my tickets to the lesser field box seats and giving me the wristband without paying one cent more, left the box office as a hero to the others behind me in line, and sat back in the seats I had originally purchased, angry because I had to miss two innings to argue with the idiots who run the Memphis Redbirds box office. Let's just say that I still enjoy going to Redbirds games, and I attend many, but I doubt that I'll be going back for a game this year.

Anyway...now that I've got that off my chest, on to the concert.

It was sweltering hot out in Autozone Park's plaza. I mean fry an egg on your head hot. And humid too. The plaza was PACKED with screaming tweens who just couldn't wait to see the band hit the stage. Priscilla and I stood about five feet from the stage, which as fate would have it was just one foot closer than a gaggle of screaming girls who couldn't have been older than fourteen or fifteen and whose screaming would later drown several portions of the show. And since none of them were old enough to have experienced an actual punk rock concert, with mosh pit, et al, they insisted on trying their version of it as well, which ended up with them nearly knocking me over on top of my wife three times. The third offense was met with a glaring malevolent stare from me, and as I am a Large Individual, the activity subsequently relocated itself further behind me. I'm all for having fun, but no one needs to get hurt at the show.

The opening band was late getting onto the stage, but they turned out to be worth the wait. Tooth and Nail artists The Send got the crowd going with a four song set. You can check them out by clicking through to their Myspace. They've got most of their songs from their EP posted there. Their debut album comes out July 31st. You can listen to their music and judge for yourself. It's sort of a mish-mash of punk and alt rock. I like it. It's got just enough edge to keep it from being too generic, but not enough frayed edges to make it hardcore. There's a lot of heart and soul flowing through the lyrics, and watching Joseph Kisselburgh singing them is to watch him pour his heart onto the stage. Give them a listen, add them on Myspace, and if you like what you hear, you can pre-order their album at thesendonline.com.

After all the hassle and the heat, Hawk Nelson took the stage. I already sort of knew what to expect, because I've heard their hit single "Everything You Ever Wanted," and it occasionally makes me cry, because I know the feeling well. I'd also heard "Zero," which is the song they've got on the soundtrack of Evan Almighty. (If you haven't heard either of these songs, I strongly urge you to click over to myspace.com/hawknelsononline and listen to those as well as the other two right away. The two songs I mentioned are ballads, but Hawk Nelson, I found, was ready to rock it out. Lead singer Jason Dunn is the consummate showman, and he knows how to work the crowd. You can't help but take notice of him when he hits the stage, particularly not today as he was sporting blonde cropped hair with a black feathery mohawk. There's a reason why Jason has a legion of young teenage girls climbing the walls to get to him. He's a good looking guy, but he can also sing, and he works the crowd like a master. They played every song they'd ever done that got any sort of radio play, a couple of covers, and a few deep cuts, but the whole show was quite enjoyable. It was a rowdy good time, and my wife, who already adored the band is now, in the words of her T-shirt, nuts about Hawk Nelson. (Parents, Hawk Nelson is on the Tooth and Nail label, a label that consists mainly of Christian rock bands, so you needn't worry about any bad influences coming from this CD.)

Check out their Myspace page, and I strongly encourage you to pick up their latest CD.

Oh, and in case you're interested in seeing Hawk Nelson and The Send live, they're on a tour of baseball stadiums through the end of summer. If you have a minor league ballpark in your area, chances are they've either already been there or will be soon. Here's the schedule at the moment:

FRI, AUG 03.07 - GRAYSON STADIUM, SAVANNAH, GA
SAT, AUG 04.07 - GOLDEN PARK, COLUMBUS, GA
SUN, AUG 05.07 - FIVE COUNTY STADIUM, ZEBULON, NC
SUN, AUG 12.07 - DR. PEPPER BALLPARK, FRISCO, TX
SAT, AUG 18.07 - CHENEY STADIUM, TACOMA, WA
MON, AUG 20.07 - GRIZZLIES STADIUM, CHUKCHANSI PARK, FRESNO, CA
TUE, AUG 22.07 - BANNER ISLAND BALLPARK, STOCKTON, CA
FRI, AUG 24.07 - CLEAR CHANNEL STADIUM, LANCASTER, CA
TUE, AUG 28.07 - JOHN THURMAN FIELD, MODESTO, CA
WED, AUG 29.07 - STATER BROS. STADIUM, ADELANTO, CA
FRI, AUG 31.07 - TUCSON ELECTRIC PARK, TUCSON AZ

Do be sure to check each ballpark's website if ordering online, and make sure that you've specifically booked the special package that includes admission to the concert. Tickets should only be $15. Once you get that out of the way, I'm sure you'll find out as we did that the band is hot, and when you get to meet them, they're a great (and humble) bunch of guys.

So, what are you waiting for? Visit their sites!

In Memory Of...

2007-07-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

Musical Ramblings would like to pass deepest condolences in the passing of the father of Jordan Southerland. Jordan, a participant in American Idol season 5, has been profiled in this blog before, but like all Idols who interact with us here, has become a friend as well. Our deepest sympathies go out to Jordan and his family, and we hope that God is watching over his father somewhere.

For Those of You Who Want to Preserve Internet Radio

2007-07-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

IMMEDIATE ACTION NEEDED FOR THURSDAY, JULY 12TH

Greetings,

Time and options are running out for Internet Radio. Late this afternoon, the court DENIED the emergency stay sought on behalf of webcasters, millions of listeners and the artists and music they support.

UNLESS CONGRESS ACTS BY JULY 15th, the new ruinous royalty rates will be going into effect on Sunday, threatening the future of all internet radio.

We are appealing to the millions of Internet radio listeners out there, the webcasters they support and the artists and labels we treasure to rise up and make your voices heard again before this vibrant medium is silenced. Even if you have already called, we need you to call again.

The situation is grave, but that makes the message all the simpler and more serious.

PLEASE CALL YOUR SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES RIGHT AWAY and urge them to support the Internet Equality Act. Go to http://www.capwiz.com/saveinternetradio/alert_9738601.html to find the phone numbers of your Senators and Representative.

If they've already co-sponsored, thank them and tell them to fight to bring the bill to the floor for an immediate vote. If the line is busy, please call back. Call until you know your voice has been heard.

Your voices are what have gotten us this far - Congress has listened. Now, they are our only hope.

We are outmatched by lobbying power and money but we are NOT outmatched by facts and passion and the power of our voices.

Again, please go to http://www.capwiz.com/saveinternetradio/alert_9738601.html to find the necessary phone numbers and make the call today.

Thank you,

The SaveNetRadio Campaign

Retraction

2007-07-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that one item within a recent article detailing 20 things I didn't know about American Idol was incorrect.

I pride myself on accuracy and fair reporting, but it appears that I spoke too soon on one issue, and that issue is this: Jon Peter Lewis and John Stevens did get along well with each other. This statement comes directly from Jon's management:

Jon and John got along quite well together and I know Jon would never want to put out information that he wasn't well liked.

I apologize to Jon and his management for any misrepresentation. It was certainly not my intention to cause any upset or controversy with any fans. Musical Ramblings stands in support of both artists.

The Howie Gordon Show

2007-07-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

One of the most memorable guests (in terms of sheer loudness) at the Reality TV Convention 2007 was Howie Gordon, the self-proclaimed best looking guy in Big Brother history. Howie's every bit what he was on the show, and then some. He's certainly uncensored, can't get over how many fine women are in his general vicinity, and is second only to Jonny Fairplay in being the life of the party.

Howie also loves to sing, even though he completely lacks the talent to do so. (He still sounds better than Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, though.) Below is a clip from the show at the Nashville Palace that I emceed. Howie closed the show out with his rendition of an Air Supply song. (He also made Scott Savol mad by using his music track to sing to.)

I'm the guy in the Spider-Man shirt in this video. Take it away, Howie!

Rising Star: Dani McCulloch

2007-07-04T09:37:00.001-05:00

Many of you may remember my previous interview with the talented Dani McCulloch. At the time, I remembered her for a good audition that earned her a golden ticket to Hollywood.

Oh, how much I had to learn about this young singer...

We found out during the course of the day what a quality lady she is. Priscilla and Dani became great friends as the day progressed, along with Heather Cox, and between the three of them, there was a lot of great camaraderie. Dani was gracious to everyone, and she attracted a lot of fans, posing for photos, signing autographs, and just carrying on genuine conversations with everyone.

Dani wasn't originally scheduled to perform at the convention event Saturday night at the Nashville Palace. However, Lindsey Cardinale and Heather Piccinini weren't able to perform, so I was stuck needing a replacement. I asked her if she wouldn't mind performing, and she initially wasn't sure, but she quickly said that she would. Somehow, within the course of the day, she managed to come up with a couple of music tracks and practiced the songs well enough to be able to go onstage.

She got up and sang an original, which was nice, but then she launched into "Oh! Darling" by the Beatles, and the audience was mesmerized. I was emceeing the concert and running the sound, and even I sort of forgot what I was doing and just stood there listening to her. A whole room-full of reality TV stars were suddenly silent. Even Jonny Fairplay stopped goofing around long enough to pay attention to Dani's commanding performance.

Still, I'd only seen the tip of the iceberg for this young performer.

Last night, Dani headlined at Collierville's Independence Day Celebration, which is a huge event. Collierville is a suburb of Memphis, for those of you who aren't from around these parts. Dani drew a crowd of somewhere between 12,000 to 15,000. It was an outdoor concert, and the field behind us looked like the fourth coming of Woodstock. I mean, it's not exactly Bonnaroo, but for a girl who only made it through two Hollywood rounds of American Idol, it's a huge crowd.

Dani did not disappoint, either. There's a reason why this girl is constantly booked to perform at festivals with acts like Grand Funk Railroad, The Spin Doctors, Mark Chesnutt, Otis Day and the Nights and Paul Thorn. Priscilla and I finally got to see what the girl could do with a full stage and a live band, and that is to rock completely out. She was completely fearless up there, belting out some fabulous originals that she has written, as well as covering songs by the Beatles, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Melissa Etheridge, ZZ Top, and a sweet cover of Guns N Roses' "Sweet Child O' Mine." She closed the concert with her own version of "The Star Spangled Banner."

It's obvious that Idol fans missed out on this girl this year. She owns the stage when she's on it, and she's the consummate performer. And she does it all with very little pretense. It's obvious when you watch her that nothing she does is pre-scripted, and you just know that even if she weren't being compensated for her performance that she'd still be up there doing it just for the love of the show.

We caught up to her after and said hello again. She had a rough schedule with the convention, band practice on Sunday, a television appearance on Monday morning, and spending the rest of her "free" time in the recording studio, working diligently on her second album. We'd never have suspected, though, that she was that exhausted, because she never let it show, and she never once considered giving less of a show.

If you haven't already, then you should check her out at www.danimcculloch.com or www.myspace.com/dani. Then you'll see what I'm talkin' about

Top 20 Things You Never Knew About American Idol That I Learned at the Convention

2007-07-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

1. Most former Idol contestants are really really nice, but a few can be divas.

2. A lot of former Idols are worried about Kelly Clarkson's career choices lately.

3. During Hollywood week of Season 6, American Idol camera crews routinely wake up contestants at odd hours of the night for impromptu interviews. This was done on purpose. Also, prior to going onstage, producers would tell select people "hey, don't forget your lyrics!" immediately before they started performing just to plant the idea of forgetting lyrics in their minds. It worked on more than a few people.

4. The rant that Derrell Brittenum (season 5) went on in protest of his brother Terrell's elimination in Hollywood was fake. Derrell knew the entire time that his brother had made it through, but he also knew that doing that would ensure him maximum coverage and exposure. (Not that it mattered, since he and his brother both were in jail by the time Idol aired.) Said Derrell to Nigel, after leaving stage, "Sorry, but I had to do that to y'all."

5. Ace Young, Taylor Hicks, and Ryan Seacrest all had crushes on Heather Cox. Ryan asked her out. Ace was the only one she actively returned any sort of affection toward.

6. Kellie Pickler (season 5) already knew what calamari was. She had ordered it in a restaurant in Hollywood prior to the Top 24 shows hitting the air.

7. Paula Abdul was often aloof to contestants during the Hollywood rounds, and more than once appeared tipsy. Conversely, Simon Cowell is described by almost all previous contestants as being a surprisingly nice guy.

8. Almost all contestants appreciate the show for the opportunities it has given them, but every single one I've talked to has at least one axe to grind with it as well. The majority of contestants at the convention have their suspicions that the show may be rigged.

9. Nobody liked Brenna Gethers (season 5.) Not even Chris Daughtry. The producers tried to make it look like people didn't like Becky O'Donohue (much to the chagrin of the contestants) with some creative editing, however most people liked the O'Donohue twins. This sort of editing is known in the industry as "Frankenbiting," where sound bites, video clips, and situations not related to each other are combined together to create the illusion of something happening that did not. This happens more often than not on episodes of Idol that are not broadcast live.

10. Paris Bennett and Lisa Tucker (season 5) disliked each other at first. Later they became best friends. On the other hand, Kellie Pickler and Heather Cox were great friends initially, but now are no longer speaking.

11. Nobody has anything bad to say about Melinda Doolittle.

12. Gedeon McKinney (season 5) was at the season 6 Memphis auditions, offering voice lessons for $75 to auditioners.

13. Stevie Scott and Heather Cox (Season 5) were both extremely sick during the early Top 24 rounds, and thus were eliminated. Neither got to sing the songs they wanted to sing.

14. Dani McCulloch (season 6) was not allowed to sing her original song choice for her audition in front of Randy, Simon, and Paula. (If she could've, I wonder if she might not have been in the Top 10 this year.) She got to Hollywood anyway, but her initial exposure didn't carry well enough with the fans or the producers to boost her to the Top 24.

15. David Radford (season 5) is now in college studying music.

16. Most former Idols idolize Carrie Underwood more than Kelly Clarkson.

17. Jon Peter Lewis is one of the nicest guys in the world, and is considered to be the fun one of the group. It is not known for sure whether Taylor Hicks might have imitated Jon's dancing just a teeny bit. UPDATE: According to Jon Peter Lewis, he and John Stevens got along quite well. Musical Ramblings regrets any misunderstanding that may have emerged over the previous statement.

18. Heather Piccinini (season 3) will tell you she's coming to a convention, confirm it for you on the phone the day before, allow you to book her into a concert event, and then not show up at all.

19. During this year's Superstar Idols tour in Texas, Ruben Studdard (season 2) had no contact with any of the other former Idol contestants on the tour with him. He had to have a separate bus and prep area. Ruben was also frequently late to the stage, leaving Justin Guarini (season 1) to carry the show. Justin did the job well, and often by the time Ruben got to the stage, the crowd would have followed Justin back to meet and greets and would pay Ruben very little attention.

20. Chris Richardson (season 6) did a concert with Ace Young (season 5) earlier this year, almost immediately after Idol was over. This is a direct violation of his contract with 19 Entertainment. Especially since the tour has not yet started. A couple of 19 executives actually attended the show, and nothing has been said to Chris about it since, so it appears, at least for now, that he's in the clear.

Reality TV Convention 2007: Night 1

2007-06-30T06:36:00.000-05:00

We rolled into Nashville last night, and for any of you who were driving between Memphis and Nashville, TN, last night, you'll know what I mean when I say that I hope your scuba gear finally dried off. It was raining cats, dogs, and any number of other domesticated animals.

In any case, it was great to finally get into town and hook up with everyone at the convention center. Priscilla and I are having a blast so far. We had dinner last night with quite a group. Tennessee Edwards, who is quite the prolific producer, was at our table. (He produces, among other things, the Ultimate Fighting Championship.) We also ate with The Apprentice's Tana Goertz, Joe Millionaire's Mojo, Marc and Joe who coordinate the convention, two Canadian documentary filmmakers and several other lovely folks. It was a wonderful time and great conversation. Idol's Heather Cox came up and introduced herself to us. She's still as nice as ever. Big Brother 6's Howie Gordon noticed her too, and in his own inimitable style came up and told her what a bangin' bod she has. Howie's never been known for tact, and he had a few beers in him, so his tongue was even looser.

After that, it was on to a private house party in one of the swankier sections of town hosted by the guys and gals at Joker's Updates. By the time we got there, most of the party-goers had already been there for a couple of hours (except for Howie, who had already gotten started on the alcohol at the first site, so it didn't matter) and most of them were already fairly lubricated. Big Brother's Krista Stegall made friends with Priscilla fairly quickly, and she and Rachel Plencner posed for quite a few pictures. Like I said, they were fairly well lubricated, so things got a little interesting, but not terribly out of hand. American Inventor's Mark "the Sackmaster" Martinez introduced himself to us, and he's quite a nice guy. Apparently he's made quite a bit of money from the show.

Also there were Gooner Grosbeck from The Real Gilligan's Island and Jonny Fairplay from Survivor. Jonny was surprisingly sedate, at least as compared to last year, so hopefully he won't have to get thrown out of anything this time around.

It's about an hour till set-up time, so day one of the convention is about to begin. Hopefully I'll be able to tell you more about the events tomorrow, but until then, viva la reality! Pictures to come soon!

Okay, so we know what my Technorati rating is...

2007-06-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

...but what would my blog rate if the MPAA were putting a rating on it? Well, I found out.

>

As it would turn out, I said the word "suck" 3 times. I said "suicide" twice (referring to someone's career suicide and the death of George Reeves.) And I used the word "punch" once (in reference to punching in a pin number.)

So parents, as I move forward into the Reality TV Convention (some of you are also coming, right?) this weekend, please make sure to provide parental guidance as you read my blog.

Convention's this weekend...can't wait to give you all the hot news when I return!

(Disclaimer: The blog rating was provided by some dating site called "Mingle." Musical Ramblings does NOT endorse this site, does not know anything about it, and wouldn't enter any private information if it were you.)

(UPDATE: Within the course of this posting, my blog rating went to a PG-13, only because I repeated all the words it found offensive, and it found the word "hell" which it had apparently missed before.)

Musical Ramblings' Biggest Loser

2007-06-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

Alright, guys and girls. It's summer time. It's time to shed those pounds and get in shape. I know there are plenty of you out there who are, shall we say, expanding your horizons via your belt-line, and I know there are a lot of you Ramblers out there who would like to fight the battle of the bulge.

Personally, I'm ready for a change, as I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. So, from here on out, this is the plan:

Five days a week I will do thirty minutes of cardiovascular exercise. That's Monday through Friday. I am taking the weekends off, because I need a reward as well as a relaxation, so my days off from work are also days off from exercise. Meals each day will be limited to a small breakfast, a small lunch, and a satisfying supper.

My wife is joining me in this effort (even though she's much more in shape than I am) so I would like to also get a lot of you guys involved as well. Each week we'll tabulate our progress and share with each other how much we've lost during the week. We can also share diet tips, exercise tips, and (if you wish) photos as we move along.

If you don't wish to post a comment here regarding your participation, you can still email me, let me know you're participating, and let me know your progress.

I'm considering a prize for the biggest loser. Any ideas?

Reality TV Convention 2007: Panel Discussion Schedule

2007-06-17T15:02:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been asking, here is the tentative scheduling of the panel discussions for the Reality TV Convention 2007:

Saturday, June 30
12:00 to 12:45 – Various Shows (TBA)
1:00 to 1:45 – Casting & Production Panel
2:00 to 2:45 – Various Shows (TBA)
3:00 to 3:45 – Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search
4:00 to 4:45 – Big Brother

Sunday, July 1
12:00 to 12:45 – Survivor
1:00 to 1:45 – American Idol
2:00 to 2:45 – The Biggest Loser
3:00 to 3:45 – Various Shows (TBA)

Each of these panel discussions will feature several cast members from each show. To see a list of cast members who will be making appearances, check the convention website. Survivor and American Idol have been scheduled on Sunday to accommodate Rupert Boneham and Jon Peter Lewis.

Also, there's an update to the concert/party with Jokers Updates at the Nashville Palace. Lindsey Cardinale will not be performing that night. Will Makar will take her place. Jewels Hanson and Jennifer Hicks of Nashville Star will also perform.

See you there!

From Kelly To Busted?

2007-06-15T23:39:00.000-05:00

I've been following Kelly Clarkson lately with a great deal of interest. I should say from the start that I've been a big fan of Miss C since the first note I heard her belt out on American Idol. So as I watch her latest career moves, I'm watching them with great hope that whatever happens will portend better things to come in her future.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling so great about it lately.

This all started several weeks ago when "Never Again" debuted on Idol Waves Radio. When I received that single, I was excited to hear the newest thing from Kelly. I enjoyed her first album, even though it had some very clear hits and misses. I thought Breakaway was brilliant. So surely I'd like this new single, right?

Not only did I not particularly like it, I kind of didn't care if I ever heard it again. I'm sure that other die-hard Kelly fans like myself will love it, simply because of who sings it. And there are plenty of Kelly apologists out there who will defend it based on some arbitrary artistic merit. But the fact remains that "Never Again" (or for that matter, the new single "Sober") are both songs that would've never made it onto Thankful or Breakaway. You can argue with me if you want. I'm fully aware that I'll probably get flamed, but please understand, again, I'm a Kelly Clarkson fan too.

I understand Kelly's need to do something different. I really do. Thankful, admittedly, was a mish-mash of way too many different styles and genres, and was a somewhat clumsy effort to put Kelly out there that just happened to have a few hit songs written into it. Breakaway, on the other hand, took hold of one genre--angry chick rock--and ran with it. Each song was scrupulously selected and crafted, and the end result was an album that looks at this point like it just might end up being Kelly's signature work. Still, that album was more Christina Aguilera and Avril Lavigne than it was Kelly. I can sympathize with her for wanting to do her own thing, but the question that will be answered in just a few weeks is this: is Kelly a spectacular singer only, or does she have the chops to go it completely alone?

I will give her credit for this much: the girl has guts. A young upstart with only two successful albums goes up against Clive Davis, a giant in the music world. That's career suicide, in and of itself. I still think the repercussions of that clash are yet to be felt. If Kelly didn't have the juice built up that she does have, she'd have been back to waiting bar in Texas by now. As it stands right now, I wouldn't be surprised if My December flops to see Kelly get dropped. (Naturally, I'm sure another label would be willing to sign her.) Then comes the firing of her manager. That's not an uncommon event in the entertainment world, but I worry that bucking for independence to this extent might be a little premature in Kelly's career. There's a certain sort of attitude and behavior in this industry that will make people unwilling to work with you, and when those doors shut, they rarely ever open again. Kelly said: "There's always this battle, and it's not a bad battle to have. I mean, you obviously don't want `yes' people around you. And, obviously, (Davis) and others at the label have been in the business far longer than I have. So you obviously take their opinions in. In the end, though, I always go with my gut. My gut has obviously done pretty well for me thus far, so I don't see why I shouldn't keep listening to it."

On a side note, I don't think I've ever seen the word "obviously" used that many times in one breath.

And then there's Kelly's protestations about how people don't want women to write songs. This is the one I have to take the most umbrage with. Let's take a look at Kelly's first two albums: On Thankful, 9 of the 12 tracks have women with at least partial songwriting credits. Among these is Diane Warren, and I challenge anyone to name a more respected and prolific songwriter than Diane. On Breakaway, 11 of the 12 songs feature female songwriters. Most tracks feature songwriting credits for Kelly herself. Have women faced an uphill climb in the music industry? Sure. But if Clive had a problem with female songwriters, would Hillary Lindsey be taking home a Grammy for Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel?" Would Nigel and 19E have had a problem with Cathy Dennis writing the Idol theme? Avril Lavigne seems to have little problem being able to write a lot of her own stuff. Likewise, Sarah McLachlan has managed to remain successful. I could sit here all day and name successful female songwriters and artists. Here's the hard truth: after listening to "Never Again" and "Sober," they're just... not that good. It's not that Kelly can't write; "Behind These Hazel Eyes" and "Because of You" were both great songs. These new songs are just...not.

And then comes the news that the concert tour for this summer has been cancelled. Poor ticket sales have been cited as the cause. For a multiplatinum-selling artist, that means something is seriously wrong. A downgrade to smaller venues isn't a good sign. Even worse is the explanation that Kelly's team has put on her website: "I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to getting out there to perform for y'all. In the craziness of the music business, performing is what I look forward to doing the most, so it really is disappointing for me to have to tell you that I won't be coming out to tour this summer. The fact is that touring is just too much too soon." I realize that Kelly probably didn't write this, or if she did, that it was probably picked over by management, but it's really close to a bald-faced lie to her fans. The insinuation is that Kelly was over-burdened, and that a tour would be just too much to handle. Why the need to come up with a patently false excuse when it's been widely reported that it had to be canceled because people weren't buying tickets? And just how often do you see a major recording artist release an album that isn't supported by a summer tour? Instead of lying to her fans (or if not lying, then at least conspicuously omitting facts) why shouldn't she just come out and say, "look, ticket sales are down." She could use the opportunity to rally up the true believers and get the hardcore Kelly fans to their local Ticketmaster. I mean, let's face it, even the big Kelly Clarkson fans aren't buying tickets. And given the combination of the new lackluster singles and one cancelled tour, I'm not sure they'll have enough faith to buy next time.

The collapse of Kelly's summer tour also means bad news for sales of My December. Without a tour to promote it, a sizable chunk of sales of the CD aren't going to be made, to say nothing of Kelly merchandising. Instead, she is going to have to rely solely on TV appearances, radio airplay, and online marketing campaigns. TV appearances shouldn't be hard to come by, and online marketing is always there to be had, but after sampling a lot of the songs from this album, radio airplay may be a bit of a problem. Already on Idol Waves Radio, where many of the listeners are rabid Kelly fans, ratings for "Never Again" have begun to drop, mere weeks after its introduction to the playlist. How much better can we expect it to fare on terrestrial radio?

Again, I'm a huge fan of Kelly, and it pains me to see these sorts of things happening to her career. The pattern of pop stars is usually three albums and then you stop seeing albums coming out. (Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Britney Spears, and on and on.) I really don't want to see that happening to Kelly. Here's hoping that she grows from this.

All Told, I'd Rather Be in Beirut (or "Why I Hate Wal-Mart")

2007-06-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight was actually a good night: a very restful, enjoyable night at home with the wife, free from any encumbrance or responsibility. It was actually...relaxing.

Until...

The horror set in. We were out of bread, milk, and eggs. The lifeblood of the American home was running thin in our humble domicile. How could we survive without these three integral elements that I never had on hand while I was a bachelor anyway? Suddenly the ease of relaxation was peeled away quickly and rudely, as though someone had doused us with buckets of icy water in February. You see, since we had relaxed most of the evening, we were forced to...

I can barely say it...

...GO TO WAL-MART! Oh the horror! Oh the humanity! Oh the vast herds of rednecks roaming the isles looking for generic anti-fungal creme!

I hate Wal-Mart on so many different levels. It doesn't really have anything to do with political reasons or anything of the sort. I'm not that high-minded. I realize that they pay their employees poorly, provide little to no benefits, hire illegal immigrants, put every mom and pop store they touch out of business, and basically are complete reprobates and probably Republicans. That's not really what bothers me. I've listed what DOES below. Rant ON.

(1.) I CAN'T FIND SQUAT. Once upon a time, when the Earth was still flat and people went on vacations and left their doors unlocked, Wal-Mart was laid out in a floor plan known as "The Places Where Things Are Supposed To Be." I could go into Wal-Mart during these happy carefree times on any given day at any given time and make a beeline directly to the product that I desired to procure. Entire shopping time: 10 minutes. These were the glory days. However, in the infinite wisdom of the heirs of Walton, every Wal-Mart in my somewhat fair city of Memphis has been completely re-modeled and each department has been moved to an entirely different part of the store. I don't think there's a definite pattern to where the merchandise was moved; the only rule appears to be that it must not be anywhere near the general vicinity of where it was previously. I couldn't swear to it, but I'm pretty sure some of the aisles are actually either outside or in other stores now. Some have just vanished from the face of the Earth altogether. Now it takes me an hour to find everything that I need to get.

(2.) THE LOW PRICE THING IS OVER. Wal-Mart hasn't been the cheapest stuff on the market for a while now. I remember when I was a wee lad, back in the days when gas was cheap because we were propelling our cars with our feet, way back before Al Gore invented the internet, when Wal-Mart was just starting to make it nationwide. Prices in Wal-Mart were significantly cheaper than they were in other locations. Nowadays, I can get the same price in Target, Best Buy, or any comparable merchant. I can actually order online for cheaper. (Also, the product gets to me in the mail in less time than it takes me to wait through a Wal-Mart checkout line.)

(3.) THE ANTI-THEFT SCANNERS AT THE DOORS SUCK PEOPLE'S BRAINS OUT AS THEY COME IN. Never in your life will you come across a more mindless, herd-like group of people than when you're in the magic land of Wally World. I am constantly amazed by the group of people who will walk directly down the middle of the aisle at approximately .00001 miles per hour while staring blankly at products on the shelves, as though it were the first time they were seeing a box of file folders or picture frames. It would not surprise me if they began to emit rivulets of drool and say words like "oooh, shiny!" And it never fails that I will end up standing motionless, waiting increasingly less patiently to get by, while someone stops mid-aisle with their cart parked diagonally across the aisle, so as to allow no traffic to proceed either way, while either rifling through a purse, checking a list, or just simply ceasing to have any thought processes or kinetic motion altogether. And since this is the South, and Wal-Mart is a social mecca for rednecks, it's not uncommon for two long-time friends (likely next-door neighbors, cousins, or both) to park their buggies side-by-side in a major traffic aisle and carry on conversations as though they only got to see each other on Christmas, when in fact they both pretty much left the same yard at the same time to go to Wal-Mart. These are the same people who usually have kids who are being baby-sat by the Toy Department. Speaking of...

(4.) PARENTS, BEAT YOUR KIDS, PLEASE. Oh, there's nothing like being in the store with YOU, when you bring your SCREAMING BRAT KIDS to the Wal-Mart with you. I tell you, it makes my day a whole lot better to be in the same aisle with you when your kid is pitching a fit because he/she wants something. I'm really looking at you and admiring your parenting skills when you ineffectually threaten a child who knows you're not serious, because even though you're a wretched parent, hey, at least you looked tough in front of me! Yes ma'am! Or even better, when you totally ignore the child and nervously smile at those around you while secretly wishing, as are we all, that the earth might open up and swallow your child. But seriously, parents, if you let your kid pitch a righteous fit in the middle of Wal-Mart, you should really do yourself a favor and leave the kid out in the parking lot so that he can be kidnapped and raised by someone more fit as a parent than you, such as Genghis Khan.

(4-A.) COROLLARY: DO THE BEATING BEFORE OR AFTER. Never while you're actually inside the Wal-Mart. Otherwise, see above. And yes, the parking lot wouldn't be any more appropriate, but it's better than the cereal aisle.

(5.) IF YOU HAVE 20 ITEMS OR MORE AND GET IN THE EXPRESS LANE, YOU ARE A SUB-HUMAN PIECE OF TRASH AND DESERVE TO GO TO HELL WHEN YOU DIE. I think that says it all.

(6.) HEY, HOW ABOUT LET'S LEAVE ALL THE PALLETS OF UNPACKED BOXES RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MERCHANDISE PEOPLE WANT TO BUY! Also, why don't you guys make sure that you can't get from one side of the store to the other by blocking off every aisle but the main ones. Oh, and hey, would it be too much to ask if you wouldn't mind dragging the pallet jacks down the aisles at light speed in such a way that I can't walk past without danger of losing life and limb? That's all part of what I like to call the "Adventure of Wal-Mart," which leads up to thrills and chills in what I like to call a "personal injury lawsuit."

(7.) WAL-MART WORKERS ARE PAID NEITHER TO SMILE NOR KNOW ANYTHING RELEVANT TO THE STORE. The last time I asked a worker in the electronics department where a new CD was, I got a look that was as blank as a Bible Knowledge Quiz given to Paris Hilton. Eventually after approaching several different associates and exchanging various passive aggressive conversations, one went to the back where the box was sitting, release date be hanged. And, of course, when I finally convinced them that I had more shopping to do and didn't wish to pay for it back in electronics, which apparently may only be authorized by a ruling from Congress, I found the same demeanor up at the front cash register. The cashier regarded me with a look that I usually reserve for a person who has just said that they thought Hitler was a pretty reasonable guy. She grunted something that could've either been "hi, how are you" or "I wish you'd suck eggs and die." The little pin pad screen asked me if my cashier had been friendly today, and I think I heard it snickering a little bit under the weight of its own obvious sarcasm. After the transaction was done, and the cashier had sufficiently discarded my item into the bag with enough force to cause the case to break, she ripped it from the carousel and handed it to me as though she were handing me a dirty diaper, looking off into some direction that was opposite to where I was standing, and saying nothing. I'm almost sure that she had to go shower to rid herself of the odiousness of having to actually wait on me.

(8.) SELF CHECK-OUT MY ROSY RED FANNY. Invariably, the self-checkout monstrosity will no longer allow me to scan and start flashing its light plaintively, demanding that an actual Wal-Mart cashier come over and service it, rather than a scrub like myself. Of course, these cashiers are never around. They are invariably sitting in lawn and garden sipping lemonade or on a sailboat in the Bahamas or at some distance which allows them neither to be seen nor to see you. When they finally show up, go through customs, and get a medical release signed by their doctor allowing them to help you, they almost always approach you with a well-thought out plan of action, which unfortunately they can only communicate mono-syllabically, thus they only say "whuhhh?" I then proceed to let them know that I too was held hostage by Wal-Mart in the grocery department for a summer while I was in college, and that I do in fact know what a barcode is and how to scan it, but they are invariably unimpressed, punch in a random code (which I attempt to memorize, but which will never work again if the situation comes up.) Then the cashier stomps off in a huff, because she is friends with the cashier in Point 6, and she has told her about how you so rudely expected to be allowed to pay money in exchange for goods. The nerve, since they were clearly hired only to carry on conversations with their co-workers.

Oh yes. Also, rant number 5 applies heavily to this self check-out line, and perhaps more-so. If you are buying supplies for a major campground (like a children's camp or boot camp or anything of the sort) you should not be using this line. You should be using the firing line.

(9.) THERE ARE MORE CARTS THAN ACTUAL VEHICLES IN THE PARKING LOT. How many times have you seen a parking space up close to the store, gotten all excited about it, and prepared to whip into it, only to find a cluster of forsaken carts taking up the majority of it? If you go into a Wal-Mart parking lot around 10 or 11 PM, it sort of looks like Baghdad, the day after, doesn't it? I realize that the anti-theft scanners suck out your brain on the way in, but I'm not sure that they de-zombify everybody on the way out. Apparently the majority of Wal-Mart shoppers feel that cart receptacles are far beneath them, and that society would be better served if the landscape were littered with shopping buggies. I've often wondered if Earl Scheib had a deal brokered with Wal-Mart, with kickbacks per every hundred auto paint jobs.

ANYWAY...

I'm sure there are more reasons that I hate Wal-Mart. But I think I've established that Wal-Mart sucks. And I say that knowing that I run the very real risk of drawing traffic to this page from people googling those words. I'll just say this: when Target goes 24 hours around here, Wal-Mart won't be on my list of destinations anymore.

Superman Celebration 2007 - Metropolis, IL

2007-06-09T21:16:00.000-05:00

Priscilla and I are just back from a day in Metropolis, IL, self-proclaimed hometown of Superman and host to the annual Superman Celebration. It was a warm day, not a cloud in the sky, but we didn't have to look up to see the superheroes. They were plenty to be found on the ground, wandering around, looking for a damsel in distress or a camera to stand in front of.

Thus this picture of Priscilla with Spider-Man, who had one of the better costumes (even if it did ride waaaaaaay too much in the back.)

Of course the costumes were only a small part of the fun. Jim Hambrick's Super Museum is there, and even though it's open year round, it's still a lot more fun to look at when you're among Superman enthusiasts. Personally, I love it because I see all the old Superman toys that I used to have (and some I used to covet) all kept in pristine condition in glass cases. And of course, there's the movie and television artifacts collection that will keep you ooohing and ahhhing. Kirk Alyn's boots reside here. George Reeves' super-suit and almost complete Daily Planet set are there for you to walk in and be a part of. There are myriad costumes and set pieces from the 1980's Saturday morning live action Superboy show. The Christopher Reeve collection is probably the most interesting, with a complete 1978 screen-worn Superman suit, all the wigs that Chris wore for each movie, Marlon Brando's wig, General Zod's suit, and several props including a breakaway brick wall. Chris Reeve and Helen Slater's flying harnesses are there, as well as George Reeves' flying pan. Speaking of Helen Slater, there's a room devoted to Supergirl. Perhaps the most extensive wardrobe collection belongs to the Lois and Clark room, where there are a couple of Dean Cain super-suits and street suits, and Teri Hatcher's nightclub dress, wedding gown, and superhero costume.

The main reason we chose today to go was so we could meet the celebrity guests. First up, we met Noel Neill, the First Lady of Metropolis. She was the main person that I came to see. Noel, of course, starred opposite George Reeve and Kirk Alyn in the early Superman movies and the 1950's TV show, as well as a myriad of other films and shows. At nearly 87, Noel is still looking sharp, even though she doesn't move as fast as she once did. She is a gentle soul, though, and she treated everybody with great care and respect. At one point, during the celebrity Q & A session, she took great pains to acknowledge a severely disabled person in the audience and smile and wave to them. She spoke several times at length about George Reeves, always with great respect and admiration for the man. She seemed somewhat irksome at a mention of the recent bio-pic Hollywood-land starring Ben Affleck, and denounced (in the most meek and humble way) the falsehoods that it told about George Reeves. She to this day holds that he did not, in fact, commit suicide. She also talked about her recent cameo in Superman Returns, but expressed quite a bit of dismay that Lois Lane was "pregnant and didn't have a husband." Her Lois Lane, she told me later, wouldn't have done such a thing. Of course, her Lois and Mr. Reeves' Clark Kent never became seriously romantically entangled. Noel was a complete doll. Imagine yourself at age 87, signing autographs all day, and then getting up and down repeatedly to take photos with fans. Priscilla commented that she must be having writer's cramp. Instead, Ms. Neill laughed and said no, but rather that she was beginning to have trouble with her eyes.

Helen Slater was a slightly different story. I was interested to see her, because I grew up with a slight crush on her after seeing her in Supergirl. Helen is a bit more refined than most. This was her first time at a festival of this nature, and I think she was put somewhat ill at ease with the convention crowd, or more likely the more geek-intensive set. I seemed to have a bit of a hard time holding a conversation with her, as she seemed to pay more attention to the people who were in her entourage, and she almost missed a few photo ops and autographs because of it. Of course, this was after a long hot day full of interacting with people and fielding who knows what kind of questions, so I can sort of understand her situation. That being said, though, she is an accomplished actress, having appeared in The Secret of My Success, and--more recently--episodes of Law & Order: SVU, Grey's Anatomy, Crossing Jordan, and The New Adventures of Old Christine. Many of her fans wondered if she'd consider playing Supergirl in a sequel to the movie. Her response: "I'm 43!" 'Nuff said.

Jerry Maren was a real treat to see. His list of movie credits include The Great Outdoors, Spaceballs, Tron, Planet of the Apes, and Superman and the Mole Men. You may, perhaps, remember him best as one of the Lollipop Guild, particularly the green Munchkin who offered Dorothy a lollipop on behalf of the Lollipop Guild and welcomed her to Munchkin Land. According to Jerry, there are only 9 cast members of The Wizard of Oz still living. (All of them are munchkins, by the way.) Jerry got paid $50 a day for his work on Wizard and sees absolutely zero in residuals, which is quite a shame. He does, however, earn money through personal appearances. He and his wife were simply a delight to meet. Jerry is advancing in age, but he still has a sharp sense of humor, even if he occasionally needs people to repeat what they say.

I also happened to meet Len Wein, who is an extraordinary comic book writer and artist, and who had a hand in some of my favorite comic books as a child. What a fun and great guy!

Jon Bogdanove, who drew approximately a ton of the Superman: Man of Steel comics, just happened to stand next to me at the Celebrity Q&A session also. I had tried to meet him earlier, but some guy in front of us had brought in like 50 comics to get signed, and some other guy stood there and talked to him for nearly twenty minutes, so I had given up. However, he graciously signed my book there at the Q&A session, and he's a really nice guy.

So it was a great day. I expect that it will only be topped by the upcoming Reality TV Convention. Stay tuned!

American Singer: Dani McCulloch

2007-06-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

Each year, a lot of talent comes in and out of the American Idol audition room doors. Some make it all the way to the big show, and some don't. In the wake of the whirlwind, we're introduced to many different talented people. That's part of the blessing of the show: you get to meet and experience people that you might not have had the opportunity or inclination to get to know before.

One of those is Dani McCulloch, a self-proclaimed "Memphis chick" who lives and breathes music on most days. In case you've forgotten Dani, here's her appearance from this year's show:

Dani and I caught up with each other EARLY on a Saturday morning, and we talked about Idol in depth, as well as the upcoming Reality TV Convention 2007 and her new projects!

J.D.: I was just listening to your songs on Myspace right before the interview, and I could barely stop listening to them. You're actually really good.

Dani: Awww, thank you so much! I really appreciate that.

J.D.: A lot of people may not remember you from this year's show, since it's been a little while, so could you remind us a little about your appearance on American Idol?

Dani: Well, I auditioned in the Memphis auditions. And I made it all the way to Paula, Randy and Simon. I was on there for about maybe five to ten seconds, y'know, of the actual audition. They showed my interview and everything. Maybe it was longer than that. It seemed like hours to me, but it was in Memphis, and Randy was the one who said no to me, but Paula and Simon really liked me, so that's where my TV appearance was.

J.D.: When I saw you, something clicked in the back of my mind, and I looked through my Myspace friends list, and I was like, wait a minute, she's already on my friends list! I have a lot of Memphis artists on my Myspace friends list, and it was really interesting to see you there. I was like, "oh, Dani!" I know who that is. okay! But you did audition in our fair city of Memphis. Can you tell us a little about the audition process and what it was like for you?

Dani: Oh yes. Um, well, most people don't realize how long of a process the audition process is. It's like 14 hour days. It's a lot of "hurry up and wait." You go through three rounds. Well, really two before you get to Paula, Randy, and Simon. It's so grueling, and your nerves are going 90 to nothin'. And every audition, you're just hoping for a "yes." You're hoping for that yellow piece of paper. When you get it, you're just like so thrilled, and your emotions are just like very very strung out. So when you do get it, you're just like so overwhelmed, you just don't know how to react. Except for, apparently for me, to cry. It was a really neat process. It's definitely not what people see on TV. Y'know, they actually showed me going on the first day, and I went the second day in Memphis. Yeah, it was like round two, I believe. At the end of the day, I think I was the second to the last person to be picked out of that whole day, after all the auditions in Memphis. And this is after all the cities had been processed. Really I was second to last to be picked to go to Hollywood, period, out of the whole audition process for the cities. They didn't show that on TV, but it's just a very...I can't explain it, unless you go through it. It's just a grueling process, but you learn a lot.

J.D.: How old were you at the time?

Dani: I think I was 18. Woo!

J.D.: How much experience had you had in the music industry before American Idol?

Dani: I was about 15 when I started writing with some people out of Nashville. I was actually doing country at the time. I released my first album at 16, and it was mainstream country, but it was very outside the box for country. I formed a band so I could go and pitch the project to labels. I did go have meetings with labels and everything. A lot of them said, y'know, "you're too young." At that time, a lot of people were really terrified to sign any minors after the whole LeAnn Rimes deal. She had a big lawsuit with Curb Records. She was a minor. It was just a big ordeal in Nashville. So I think all of the labels were pretty scared of signing minors, but it kind of worked out for the best for me, because I ended up realizing that country was not what my heart desired at the end of the day. I love country music, but I'm a Memphis chick, and I like rock n' roll, blues and soul, y'know? (laughs.) I've had a band, professionally, for the last four years now. I've played all over festivals, clubs, and anywhere that I could play. I love playing live. I've been doing a lot of song-writing within that time, for the past three and a half to four years, for the next project as well. I'm hoping to release that by the end of this year, 2007.

J.D.: How fair did you find the auditioning process to be on American Idol, prior to appearing with Paula, Randy, and Simon?

Dani: Y'know, I honestly didn't think... Hmm. They do the best that they can for so many people that audition in each city. I mean, it's incredible amounts. I can't imagine being a judge and saying "yes no yes no" all day. I think they try to make it as fair as they CAN. But a lot of times, it's not. A lot of time they pick some people for just good TV, because first and foremost it IS a TV show. Which is great. I mean, y'know, I love to watch all the bad auditions as well. I think they do cut some really good people. Plus, for your first couple of auditions, you have only so many seconds. You have like 30 seconds, up to a minute, and you really don't get a minute to really wow them. And sometimes that's a really hard thing to do. I think, give and take, they do the best that they can, but it's not always fair.

J.D.: Did you actually see Randy, Paula and Simon in Memphis? How many days later was it?

Dani: I did see them, and it was about 30 days after round two. They were my third audition. So that was really cool.

J.D.: Randy didn't like your initial audition very much, which I can't understand, because I watched it and was completely blown away by it. Did he change his mind later on?

Dani: I think he did. Round 4 in Hollywood, I came out, and I auditioned with a Norah Jones song. Actually, Melinda Doolittle was in my group. It wasn't like the groups you see on TV. It was just a group of people who would individually go out and audition one more time in front of Randy, Paula, and Simon. And Randy, I think he really liked it. The judges, the whole time, they're pushing to see these artists who just really do their best. I think they see potential in some people, and sometimes when they say "I don't know, I don't know if I like it," they're doing that to push you. Because they want these kids to go through with this. So I believe that the judges are looking out for the contestants. When I auditioned the first time in front of Randy, I did kind of a risky thing. Most people don't know this either, but I first chose to sing a different song. I was gonna sing "Oh Darling," which was Paul McCartney's song. I guess they have an approval list, and it wasn't on there, and so I couldn't sing that song, which was the song that I really wanted to sing. So my second song was "Baby I Love You" by Aretha Franklin. I think you do a very very risky thing when you try and pull off an artist such as Aretha Franklin or Mariah Carey. Randy is a musician himself and has worked with those people, so for him, I think it has to be either meet it or beat it. I think that's why he didn't really care for that audition. I think he grew onto me later on.

J.D.: How weird is it for Randy NOT to like you, and then for Simon to be a big fan?

Dani: It was really weird! I was like uh, alright... I honestly thought that if anybody's vote I might be able to get, it would be Randy's. They switched on me, and I was just like well THIS is interesting. It was kind of exciting to have Simon's vote, so that was really cool. I really liked that.

J.D.: How much time elapses between the auditions with Randy, Paula, and Simon and Hollywood week?

Dani: I think it was one month.

J.D.: During Hollywood week, did you interact with any of the finalists from this year? What are your thoughts on them?

Dani: I did! Stephanie Edwards was in my group project. I think it was the third round, or maybe the second round in Hollywood. So she was in my group, and then she was also in Memphis with me. She was actually the last person to be picked in Memphis. I got to be really good friends with Stephanie, and she made it to the Top 12.

J.D.: Did you run across any particularly difficult personalities?

Dani: Y'know, honestly, I didn't. I think mainly it was because I tried to stay away from that. I was there, professionally, to be an artist. I wasn't there to get in the middle of a bunch of drama and stuff like that. A lot of people think that there's just a whole lot of drama and catfights when you go to Hollywood, but there's really not. People were just really stressed out, and if there are any catfights, it's because they're TIRED and they want it so bad. So I was lucky not to run into any kind of conflicts. Somebody was lookin' out for me there.

J.D.: No Brittenum twins this year, then. At what level were you eliminated from the competition?

Dani: The second round, after round one in Hollywood. Round one in Hollywood is where you go and audition in front of Paula, Randy and Simon one more time solo. And then they bring you out and they tell you if you make it through, and I did. Melinda and I both did. We were the only ones out of the six that made it through that first round. Then the second round is when you had to be in a group, and you got to choose from four songs. You pick which song you want to do, and you have to also--people don't know this either--you have to pick your own group. A lot of people think that it's assigned to you, but it's not. You have to pick your own group. And you're up all night. You have to learn the words, and you want to do choreography and do harmonies. By this time, you're really really really really tired. Your nerves are going. Your anxiety is going. You're just hoping and hoping and hoping everything is gonna turn out great. But I got cut that round, so...(laughs) I got up there and I totally forgot my words, which I think didn't really work out either. Because two of the girls in my group already knew the song. It was "Be My Baby." Two of the girls, I believe, knew the song, which is great. I mean, it's a good song. But we were up all night going mainly over harmonies and choreography. You think that that's what you're judging you on in the group projects, and it wasn't. They wanted to see how you're going to do in your SOLO. Because even some people that DID know the words, they still didn't make it through, because they didn't wow the judges. They were just going through the motions on the solo just trying to get the words right. That was a VERY hard process. You only have one night, the whole night, and you are so tired and delirious. And you had to audition early the next morning. So, it was unfortunate, but you do your best.

J.D.: I think a lot of people don't understand, but it really IS hard to remember what seems like absurdly simple lyrics after you've been up all night and practicing and practicing and practicing. Would you agree with that?

Dani: I totally agree with that. Plus, y'know, you also have cameras. There is a camera crew always in the halls in the hotel. They knock on your doors. They want interviews. They're constantly watching you. Not only do you have to learn the words and have to be prepared, but you also have camera crews coming up and bugging you and interrupting the groove. It's hard to stay focused, because they are so many distractions when you're trying to learn all this stuff. It's a lot harder than it looks on TV.

J.D.: As the competition has gone on, who were you pulling for to win the most?

Dani: I've been completely all for both Blake and Jordin. I have said from Day One that I really really like them. I liked most of the contestants up there, but they just seem to have stuck out to me personally.

J.D.: It broke my heart to see Melinda Doolittle go. How did you feel about that?

Dani: It was very hard. Melinda Doolittle is some kind of talent. She WILL have a career. That's the thing most people don't realize. Even though you don't win American Idol. I mean, look at Chris Daughtry. Well, I guess they do realize it now, since it's becoming more known every season, but y'know, I believe last season, the Top 8 or 9 all got record deals, which is really cool. So, Melinda is SET. She's gonna have a career, and I can't wait to see her just really get out there and do what she wants to do. It was really hard to see her go. She's very very very talented.

J.D.: When Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks were left, who did you pick?

Dani: I picked Jordin. I think she had both the older votes and the younger. She's just a very very sweet girl. You can just see it on TV. She's very genuine and very very talented. She captivates her audience every time she gets on stage. I mean, I love Blake too. I would've been happy for either one to win. But I just personally think that Jordin was the best choice.

J.D.: Now that the competition is over, what have you been up to?

Dani: I've been doing some heavy duty song-writing. I've been getting in the studio quite a bit and recording the originals that I've been writing. I'm trying to release the next project. So hopefully that will be by the end of 2007. I'm just playing shows and festivals, and I'm enjoying this. It's made me appreciate, after doing the American Idol thing, how lucky I am to have a talented band that plays for me. I get to go to some of these festivals, and the people there respond so well. I'm having fun, but at the same time, I'm trying to get my own thumbprint out there in the music industry. I've grown a lot since my first album, so I'm really trying to work on that right now.

J.D.: Have there been any unique opportunities that have presented themselves to you because of your appearance on American Idol?

Dani: Mostly in Memphis. I've been on TV locally. TV shows, morning shows, stuff like that. I've been doing a lot of gigs in Memphis, and some out of Memphis. Nothing that was just "wow, I can't believe it." I mean, but now, I'm talking to YOU, J.D.

J.D.: Well, I wouldn't know if that were a step up or a step down!

Dani: Oh, it's a step up. You know that!

J.D.: I know that you're going to do the Reality TV Convention this year, correct?

Dani: That is correct!

J.D.: Can't wait to see you there! I do see that you have a ton of shows coming up over the summer. Can you tell us about where you'll be appearing?

Dani: Yes! I have a couple of shows here in my hometown, Collierville, TN. It's right outside of Memphis about 30 minutes. I got the fourth of July fireworks show. And then I've got the Sunset on the Square. I mean there's tons of people. Pretty much the town of Collierville comes out for that. It's a really neat thing. I'm playing the Gold Strike Casino in Tunica, which is really exciting. I've played the Horseshoe before, but I've never gotten to play the Gold Strike, so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm going to Hampton, VA in September. I'm opening up for Sammy Kershaw. And then, I'm going to Gulf Shores in October. I'm gonna do the Shrimp Fest. I've been doing that for the past couple of years. I've got some really cool and exciting stuff coming up, and I'm really looking forward to it.

J.D.: Would you say that it's fair to say that your music is sort of a blend of country, rock and blues?

Dani: Honestly, the newer stuff that I have done, no. I would say that for my first album, Outside the Lines, but I've really evolved now to where it's mainly just Memphis roots music. I'm not doing country anymore, oddly enough, because I'm opening up for a lot of country artists. That's really cool, but I'm doing mainly Memphis roots music, which is basically rock, blues, and soul.

J.D.: What kind of message or style do you hope will be on that album that will hopefully be in my hands by the end of the year?

Dani: I think it's gonna be mainly rock, not pop rock, but more of a modern day classic rock sound, which is really exciting, but it also has my Memphis influences, blues and soul, which just comes naturally from just growing up in Memphis. That's pretty much the sound that I'm going for.

J.D.: When you talk about musical inspirations, obviously with Memphis you've got Elvis, B.B. King, and Sun Studios' stable. Who do you draw on the most as a musical inspiration?

Dani: I think recently...well, not really recently, for a good while now, I've really drawn in a lot of influence from the Beatles. I've actually recorded a couple of Beatles covers like "Oh Darling" and "Old Brown Shoe," for a Memphis compilation disc called Fried Glass Onions: Memphis Meets the Beatles. I did the first two albums and hopefully will be on the fourth. So the Beatles are definitely a big influence for me and tons of artists. Bonnie Raitt, of course, oh my gosh... As far as rockers, I've had a lot of respect for people like Zakk Wylde, and people might think that's surprising.

J.D.: I find that surprising, actually.

Dani: Zakk Wylde's Book of Shadows, I think he was just awesome on that album. There's a band called Muse that are mainly popular over in the UK, but they're starting to come out here in the states. I think they've been here for a while, but more people my age are starting to figure out who these guys are. They are so talented. I've always had a huge respect for Gwen Stefani in the No Doubt days. Janis Joplin... I could go on and on. There are so many people that influence me, but those are the ones that really stand out.

J.D.: If you could pick one person in the music industry that is established right now that you would like to work with, who would that be?

Dani: Oh gosh! Man! Just one?? Y'know, honestly, something that I think would be really fun and cool, I would love to work with Gwen Stefani. I think that chick is just the coolest person. I would just want to hang out with her, even if I didn't get to work with her, I would just want to hang out in the same room with her. She's like a really cool and hip chick.

J.D.: Would you recommend Memphis, as a city, as a great place for a musician to begin their career?

Dani: That's really hard to say. I think if you grew up here and that is what you were exposed to. I am so thankful for that, because there is so much history in Memphis, musically. As far as getting your career started, I don't know that I would say that Memphis is the best place. Memphis is not really growing as far as getting music and artists launched into the industry itself. But I think as far as learning, you can learn a lot musically from Memphis, just because there is so much history and influences there.

J.D.: Maybe if you're a burgeoning rap artist or in Three Six Mafia, maybe. Are you eligible to audition for Idol again?

Dani: I am!

J.D.: Do you think you'll do it?

Dani: You know, I'm actually kind of undecided right now. I think I'm kind of keeping my options open right now. I am not really sure. I'm not against auditioning again, because I think it's great for what it does to put artists out there. But I'm just not really promising either. I think I'm just gonna wait and see where I am at that time when the auditions come back up.

J.D.: What advice would you give for those who are auditioning this year, or even people who are just trying to break into the industry?

Dani: Well, okay, if you ARE going to audition for American Idol, be sure and KNOW that that's what you want to do. Don't go in there with any question. I think a lot of people go in there thinking "well I don't know, I don't know," but you have to be all or nothing throughout the whole process of American Idol, because it is a very hard and stressful audition, at least of any audition or competition I've been a part of. You have to be very focused and just serious about it. Completely serious about it. And you also have to be unique. You have to be ready. Be prepared, because if you're not, you'll be wasting time on yourself really. So I would say that would be the best advice for anybody that goes in to audition.

J.D.: So we're going to be seeing you at this year's Reality TV Convention 2007. What are your thoughts on the upcoming convention.

Dani: I'm excited! I can't wait. It's gonna be neat to meet some of the other people there. I just want to have fun. I want to go in there and have a good time and interact with other people and just get to know some people.

J.D.: Is it exciting to you that you're going to be appearing with some of the more famous ones?

Dani: Yeah! I want to them about their experience on American Idol, because I know that it has changed, and it has evolved every season. So I would love to see their take on their auditions and their experience. I'm excited!

J.D.: It's entirely possible we may have other guests from Season 6, and we're looking forward to what might come in the next month.

Dani: Yeah, it's awesome.

J.D.: One more question, and it is this: if you could impart only one word of wisdom to the world, what would that be?

Dani: Love. Just love. Everybody needs it.

J.D.: That's about as simple as it gets, and that's about all you need!

Dani: It's a powerful thing. Love is the most simple, but it's the most powerful.

Thanks so much, Dani. Hopefully many of you will come out to meet her at the Reality TV Convention 2007. And don't forget to check her out on her Myspace profile and on her website at www.danimcculloch.com.

Ashley the Crying Girl Strikes Again!

2007-06-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

Many of you might remember Ashley Ferl from American Idol. She was the girl who absolutely lost it over Sanjaya, crying her way into America's hearts and achieving overnight fame/notoriety. Well, she's BACK.

My buddy Will Makar's mom sent this to me today. Apparently Ashley caught up with Will at the Summerfest in Brea, CA this past Saturday. Will was performing with Kim Caldwell, Kevin Covais, Sabrina Sloan, Chris Richardson, Lisa Tucker, Paris Bennett and Ace Young. (Interestingly enough, 80's legends The Romantics and Tommy Tutone were also performing.)

This picture of Ashley was just too much to pass up.

(photo courtesy of Shirlyn Makar)

Reality TV Convention Update

2007-06-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

I took my mandatory week-long blogging break to celebrate this season of American Idol finally being over. A lot of things have happened in the interim.

First, the Convention....

As you know, this year I'm heavily involved in the second annual Reality TV Convention, which will be held at the end of this month in Nashville. The roster has changed slightly. Jessica Sierra has dropped out of the line-up (due to her on-going legal situation, I surmise.) Mikalah Gordon has also cancelled. However, Season 6's Dani McCulloch and Season 3's Heather Piccinini have signed on, so we're still at full steam. Scott Savol, Will Makar, Lindsey Cardinale, Perla Meneses, The Maynard Triplets, Heather Cox and Jon Peter Lewis are still on-board. There are rumors of a surprise special guest, but even I don't know for sure (and I would be the first to know) so I can't speculate on that.

A concert event has also been added. A Big Brother fan group is running the shin-dig. It's a separate event from the convention, but still promises to be a great time. Scott, Lindsey, and the Heathers are performing.

Also, word has it that Canadian filmmakers will be on-site shooting a documentary about reality television. I've been asked to interview on-camera, so I'll let you know more about that when I know more. My motion-picture debut!

All kinds of fun to come here on the blog. In the next couple of days, I'll be publishing interviews with Dani McCulloch and Sarah Mather, so watch out for that.

American Idol 6: The Anti-Climax

2007-05-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

Y'know, I started to write a recap of this big bloated finale, but I just couldn't get into it.

Congratulations to...

Jordin Sparks, the first teen American Idol!

See ya here on the blog during the off-season. Stuff is coming up that you won't want to miss! Expect regular updates!

American Idol 6: The Top 2 Continue This Farcical Season While the True Winner Sits Home

2007-05-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

I'm writing this recap under protest, and call me sour grapes if you want. I'm going to miss Melinda tonight. There have been any number of articles out there speculating whether Melinda's elimination was set-up in order to dispel rumors of contest-rigging to voting irregularities in the phone systems. I'm not going to speculate about all that. I'm just going to say that I miss Melinda, but have had enough of you ask me privately to finish out the season, so I don't want to disappoint you.

Deep breath...pretend Melinda was never on this season...and continue...

It comes down to Idol's favorite formula: one male versus one female. The two are so spectacularly different from each other that it's really hard to put one over the other based on their individual merits in their individual genres and fields. It's like asking you whether a back rub is better than a juicy steak. There's very little with which to create parallels.

Time for damage control. Ryan quickly calls up the issue of Paula's nose. Apparently, Paula broke her face last night, stumbling around her apartment in a drunken haze. She says she tripped over her dog, a St. Bernard, who was sitting there quietly holding her keg of whiskey for her. It looks like some cosmetic surgery might be in order, because whatever's already on that mug of hers could use some straightening out at this point.

At this point, Ryan uses the advent of having an actual dog in the story to say "the b***h is alright." Which in his universe was meant to be funny, because, you know, he got to call Paula the B-word. Real inventive and hilarious, in the sense of NOT. Ryan has the comedic skills of a frightened skunk.

We go back in time to the Seattle competition and the freakishly weird contestants that crawled out of the rain. The northwest brought out both of our finalists this year, though, so it can't be all that bad, right? (I'm trying here, people.) I can't imagine that much rain. Down here in the Mid-South, we only get that in May. I might need a summer home in Washington.

I do like Jordin, though. I can't lie. She's a breath of fresh air. And I can't hate Blake either. Neither of them are really offensive. Tonight is going to be really light on the snark, because at this point, I'd be willing to stick the crown on both of them. In any case, the true winner is decided by CD sales long after the curtain falls, so it's going to take a few months for all this to shake out. Just ask Taylor Hicks. That being said, and based on the ratings dip this year, I don't expect this season's contestants to experience as robust sales as some previous seasons, at least not right away. Then again, they might surprise me. If we are to learn the lesson from Season 5, releasing independently can also be better for your career, vis a vie Elliott Yamin. Oh well, I'll buy the CDs that come out anyway. Man, I am such an A.I. sheep sometimes.

And the coin is tossed... Blake wins the call, and he chooses to kick-off and picks the west goal-line due to wind conditions. Actually, he just decides to sing. And it will be his fan-favorite performance of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." I wasn't a big fan of this the first time, and I'm trying to give it a chance this time, since apparently everybody besides me thought it was the second coming of the Sex Pistols. I'm still ready for the beat box to be done and gone, but I'm finding more merit with the performance this time. There's nothing to be said for pitch this time, as Blake rarely stays on it, but in terms of performance, the man does put on a good show. It does suffer a bit from the stale factor, since he didn't do it any differently than he did the first time, but overall, it was a'ight. Randy nails him on the singing, which as a criticism was completely on point. Oh wow, couldn't Paula have taken the day off? That nose thing is a MESS! And I can't understand her. Surely Olivia Newton-John could've cleared a night in her schedule. C'mon producers! Get the rumor mill started again already! Simon thinks Blake's a better performer than a singer. He said something along the line of "best performer ever," but let's be real here...Bo Bice could perform circles around Blake. But Bo isn't here this year, so we have to go with what we've got. I do like Blake's outfit tonight, though.

Jordin is taking a risk singing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter." Unfortunately, with this song, you REALLY have to come out of the corner with both fists swinging, and Jordin kind of came out swatting with a feather duster. The band failed her. Ricky Minor is talented and all, but the band hasn't done much in the way of blowing my mind this year. This song is a classic example of age working against Jordin. This song is about a woman who has had unbelievable hurdles to overcome. Jordin just doesn't have the cynicism or jadedness or even the background to identify with it, and it shows. Also, when you're up against a voice like Xtina's, you're up against a rather tall brick wall, and if you don't match it, you can't do justice to the song. Jordin fell short here. Jordin does NOT fall short standing next to Ryan Seacrest, though. Randy thought her vocals were stellar, and Paula incorrectly states that this is the best finale ever. Hyperbole doesn't serve this crew well this late in the game. Simon calls her shrieky, and he assigns winner-ship of round 1 to Blake. Paula again refuses to pick. She never will, no matter how many times she is asked the question, so I have no idea why Ryan continues to inquire. Randy remains equally non-committal.

Begin the retrospective of Blake and the Beat Box. The really really REALLY tired beat box. Talk about jumping the shark...the beat box is somewhere in the Mid-Pacific on a Hawaiian cruise at this point. It's sitting on deck sipping pina coladas and talking to the sunbathing women. Blake's going to perform "She Will Be Loved," which is a first for him (the song, not the Maroon 5 thing.) It's sort of all over the place, and he should not ever...ever...EVER attempt falsetto like that again. Oh my, that was rough. The pitch problems are a bit much to handle too. I don't know why he continues to choose these slow songs. The only good thing about this performance is that the beat box is conspicuously absent. Sorry, Blake fans, but that was worse than some of what Sanjaya did this year. Randy calls it natural and pure, while Rick Shroeder in all his bloatedness is out in the audience. Paula's nose AND ears are broken. Simon calls it safe and boring, and says it's a poor choice for the finale. Ryan assigns cool points to Blake for having never watched a previous Idol finale, and meanwhile the votefortheworst crew are busily scribbling down his number.

In case you forgot, Jordin is young. Being on Idol is the most amazing thing she's ever witnessed since the miracle of her birth a couple of months ago. Just in case you didn't remember, Jordin is young, and Idol will nail it home a few more times for you before the show is complete. She's singing Martina McBride's "Broken Wing." Now this is more like it. Jordin's much more comfortable with this type of song than the angry chick rock she seems to like to attempt. I wonder if Simon will criticize this as being safe. Jordin wraps up the song in a pretty little bow, and this round definitely goes to Miss Sparks. That was hot. Randy calls it flawless, unbelievable, and then he steps over the line with "better than the original," which unfortunately it was NOT. Nothin' but love, J-Spark, close but no cigar. Still good though. As Simon said.

The song-writing competition winners are in the house. Their song "This is My Now," promises to be a snore-fest. I can tell from the beginning that it's going to be some of the most sappy dreck ever. There is a reason, folks, why I have not reviewed the song-writing competition. And that is because I didn't have enough toothpaste to keep the cavities away. Someone please tell me exactly HOW this song is different than any of the other crappy coronation songs from the past? Please? It's just another non-descript song that will immediately be relegated to the winner's past, never performed again, and available for 50 cents in the used CD's scratched bin. Especially since Mr. Pitchy B-Shorty can't fully render it live. My wife thinks it's a pretty song, and then it hit me what the issue with this song is: it's the kind your girlfriend likes. It's formulaic, safe, unoriginal, has mildly pleasing harmonies, a semi-uplifting-if-brainless set of lyrics, and the voice of a finalist. It's the kind of song that Kelly Clarkson would refuse to record for her third album. Randy thought it was a weird song for Blake. The judges know it's bad, but because 19 picked the song, they can't criticize it, and Simon urges us to judge Blake based on his first two performances. Ryan actually said "well, you did the best you could with that song." Oh Ryan, the things you say, and the Freudian qualities of them! Because, y'know, that song stinks. Blake bit his tongue, because these gimpy-looking contest winners may possibly have written the song that drove the nail into his coffin.

Because we've all been bad little boys and girls this year, Santa Seacrest has brought us the opportunity to hear this song yet one more time. It suits Jordin quite a bit more than Blake. Folks, I think we're seeing a foreshadowing of tomorrow night. Advantage Jordin, because this coronation song is right in her wheelhouse and way outside of Blake's. Even though this song was cribbed from EVERY OTHER CORONATION SONG in this show's history (and perhaps in the history of music) and is completely unoriginal and trite, Jordin does a better job with it. That's really all it boils down to. And the tears at the end of the song will only serve to get her fans' dialing fingers flexed. Randy calls her the best singer of the night, and Constantine stares at the floor, sort of embarrassed to be there. Paula's face lets something slip through, and I've given up translating her tonight. Simon publicly apologizes for saying that Jordin wasn't good enough for the finals, and he states that she wiped the floor with Blake. I think we're witnessing the chosen one.

Based SOLELY on tonight, I would have to award the crown to Jordin. I'm pulling for both of them. I'll be happy with the results either way tomorrow. Well, as happy as I can be without Melinda... I might be slightly more happy with a Jordin win, though. :)

See ya tomorrow!

Oh wait, Daughtry is on. Whoever did the sound check on the rhythm guitar cranked it up way too loud. It is nice to see Chris with a guitar in his hand, though. I wished all last season that he'd break one out. I'm totally proud of how well he's done, though. I have to admit having completely forgotten about Sundance Head until I saw him on the screen behind Daughtry though.

Alright, see ya tomorrow for real this time.

Idol Spotlight - Heather Cox

2007-05-18T19:02:00.001-05:00

(I would've brought this to you yesterday, but Blogger decided to vaporize my post. Hopefully, this time will work!)

Sometimes an interview is so nice, I have to do it twice. And very few Idol formers have been as great to pal around with as Heather Cox. Heather caught my attention--and every other red-blooded American male's eye--during Season 5. The self-proclaimed "Idol stalker" sang her way into the Top 24. Sadly, after a couple of performances that the judges didn't look too kindly upon, she didn't quite make it into the Top 12.

That hasn't stopped Heather, though, and she's busy working. I had a chance to listen to her new single, "Girl Most Likely To," and I have to take back a few things I said about her during the fifth season. The girl CAN sing! (If you're curious to hear her latest song, push play on the podcast on top of this page! You'll get to hear the latest Idol Waves Top 20 show featuring her.)

Heather and I have been discussing her appearance at the Reality TV Convention in Nashville on June 30th and July 1st. So we decided to sit down one night and interview about it. And while this is the second interview between myself and Heather, this was the first interview that Priscilla has ever sat in or done. (She did well, if I do say so myself.)

Here's what we talked about!

J.D.: We've interviewed before, and I just want to know what kind of projects that you've been working on since the last time we talked.

Heather: Well, actually, I'm recording my pop country album in Nashville right now. I'm going to be headed back to Nashville next week to cut two or three more songs. And we're still negotiating that major record deal. So it's all coming together!

J.D.: Last time there was a lot of feedback left, and people kind of criticized or blasted you for mentioning your faith in the interview. As a religious person, how do you respond when people attack you for your religious beliefs, or your expression of them?

Heather: Well, I mean, um, they rejected Jesus, so they're definitely gonna reject me too. I kind of just laugh it off. I know not everybody is going to agree or appreciate what I have to say. That's fine. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion, like Simon Cowell. I just roll with the punches and move on.

Priscilla: Have you considered a career in contemporary Christian music?

Heather: I have considered that, actually. When I say "pop country," it's going to be faith-based pop country. There are some things that are being negotiated right now. And I'm hoping to actually get airplay on both Christian stations as well as secular, so in answer to your question, yes!

Priscilla: Well that's neat! Okay, I know you've been watching, so I have to ask. What do you think about American Idol this year?

Heather: I actually have been really impressed, especially when they started to show the top 24. Before that I was just like gosh, I don't know, there's no one, but once the top 24 hit, the girls were just pretty much phenomenal, and I fell in love with some of the guys too. All in all, I've been quite impressed, and I've been pulling for Melinda Doolittle.

J.D.: Do you think that the show itself should update itself or make changes for the next season to kind of improve on what they're doing?

Heather: Gosh, it seems to work so far. I mean, the fact that they just got 45 million votes the other night is just astounding. That's the most votes they've ever gotten in a single episode that's not the finale. So I think they're doing well. And this new thing in regards to people like sending in their songs or whatever for the winner to sing, I think that's a really neat idea. I think what has worked all along is still working.

J.D.: Did it cross your mind to enter a song into the song-writing competition?

Heather: Uh, that would be a no! (laughs) I wrote one song, and it's when I was upset--I don't know if I can say pissed off--kinda mad at an ex-boyfriend, and I wrote this song. But that's really the only writing I've done. I'm actually gonna try to get into some writing and see if I can co-write some songs for my album.

Priscilla: When you're watching the show, do you look at what the contestants are doing and feel like you understand them a little bit more?

Heather: Absolutely! You know, I understand the fatigue, and I understand just the GO GO GO mentality. And you really have like no time for anything else. The thing that I looked forward to the most was just sleeping, so I know that they're feeling that too, and the pressure is just so intense. I didn't make it that far, but I know it's crazy pressure. They're doing quite well under fire.

J.D.: It's been a year since you were in the competition. How different is life now?

Heather: Well, I'm making a lot of appearances and performing a lot more. I actually feel like I was ill-prepared in regards to when I was on the show. Looking back on it, I didn't pick songs that really showcased my voice. I'm doing pop country now, and so that totally fits me. I'm comfortable doing it. I have a lot of fun. I'm honing my talent more. I'm getting out there more. And like I said, I'm in the studio recording, so I really feel like my talent has improved tremendously. I'm very thankful for that.

J.D.: When you're out in the street in your home town, do people still stop you and say "hey, weren't you on that show?"

Heather: (laughs) Um, well, since I come from a town of like 2,000 people, everybody, they just know. When I go to local restaurant, sometimes they'll give me free food, but most of the time people just wave, but they let me kinda do my own thing. But every now and then, I'll get a stalker who'll run up to me and it's "OH MY GOD!" Anyway. It's pretty cool.

Priscilla: Are you often in contact with your friends from the show?

Heather: Not so much now, and that's kind of sad because I did have great friendships. Today, I emailed a few of the contestants from last year, and I'm hoping to get emails back, because I would love for all of us to be able to be at the convention in Nashville. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping they can go, and I just think it would be great for us to meet up again and share stories of post-Idol.

J.D.: I'm crossing my fingers too. My finger's in that pie as well. Well, it seems like your season has the most successful group of Idols like Elliott Yamin, Chris Daughtry, Paris Bennett, Katharine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, and even Kellie Pickler. Not even all of those were the winners. Why do you think so many people from your season have done so phenomenally?

Heather: Gosh, dare I say I think that my year has the best talent? I hate saying that, but I really feel that. My season was just incredible, and everybody was so diverse and so different. They all brought different things to the table. They're doing well in their genres.

Priscilla: What's been the biggest obstacle that you've had to overcome as you look for work in the industry post-Idol?

Heather: Just knowing the fact that not everybody is going to believe in you or want to be on your team. I think that's the hard part. Y'know, rejection is a big part of this industry, and I hate rejection. I just have to know who I am, first and foremost in the Lord, and then know who I am with regard to my talent, and just know that and expect that and not let it get me down. Keep on keeping on!

J.D.: It was disheartening a couple of weeks ago to see Jessica Sierra get in trouble. Would you agree that sometimes there is sort of a darker underbelly to the A.I. experience or possibly even the entertainment business in general, and that sometimes if you're not careful the experience might be a bad thing?

Heather: Yes! I mean, you have these people, and they're just like kinda thrust into the limelight. After Idol, it's kind of like...I don't know...some people feel forgotten, and that could bring on depression. If you're not careful, that can be a downfall.

Priscilla: How have you managed to stay so cheerful and chipper in the days where it's really just hard to press on?

Heather: Because of who I am in the Lord. Yeah, I know this is going to bring more criticism. That's fine. My joy comes from the Lord, and He sustains me really, because I went through a time when I was depressed, and I would go on the message boards and read the things that people were saying that really were not nice. And that's very difficult, but again, you just have to brush it off your shoulder and just kinda move on, because you know who you are!

J.D.: A lot of times when people write things on message boards, it's easy to feel that the people who are on Idol aren't real people. Do you think that sometimes the show manages to objectify its contestants, and how would you suggest they overcome that?

Heather: We ARE real people, and we DO have feelings. Just like anybody else, if someone were to say something negative about you or something that's not even true, it is going to make the other person just feel awful. I suggest not even reading the boards. I don't read the boards now. I know it's like a year after the fact, but even so, I would just suggest not even going there.

J.D.: Speaking of how people think, a lot of people seem to think that if you're on American Idol that you're automatically going to get a record deal or a TV show or something like that. We both know that's not true. Exactly how hard have you found it to get the right gigs and the right kind of deals?

Heather: Actually, I kind of feel like--and this is going to sound so cliche--but God really is in control of what's been going on in my life, before Idol, during Idol, and post-Idol. He just gives us a light to take each individual step, and you go in that way. He will direct my path, so He has been, and there have been a couple of times when some people say they're going to do something, and it just turned out to be ridiculous, but for the most part, the path has been pretty clear. And I'm going along it.

Priscilla: Is Heather Cox in love?

Heather: No, if you look on my Myspace now, it does say single!

J.D.: Awww! Sorry!

Heather: I do know who you were thinking about though. Which is so funny, because at the time when that person and I were dating, I remember you, J.D., sent me a message saying "me and my girlfriend are as cute as you two" or something like that, and DUDE! Then I like went to your page this week, and it's like you're married, and I'm like HOLY COW! That didn't take long!

J.D.: Yeah, sorry, I'm off the market.

Heather: Yeah, that's fine. That's perfectly fine. When you know, you know, y'know?

J.D.: She was much too cute for me to resist.

Heather: Awww! Yes, yes, she definitely is. You got a winner. You BOTH got winners! No, I actually am single. I care very much about that person, but we were going in two different directions, so I had to let him go. I'm not going to cry. I'm strong!

J.D.: That's the way to be right there. Well, I see...switching topics (cough, cough)...

Heather: (laughs)

J.D.: I see you're as excited as I am about the upcoming Reality TV Convention. What about it made you really excited to be a part of it, because it seems like you sort of jumped at it?

Heather: I did! Because it's like...I don't know...a chance to... This is how I'm feeling about it, J.D. and Priscilla. It's like when I watched, before I auditioned, I would watch the show, and I would see Scott Savol, Jessica Sierra, Lindsey Cardinale and Mikalah Gordon and all the rest of them like Jon Peter Lewis, and it's so weird because those were like MY Idols. Those were the ones I watched. So even though I've done the show, and I'm part of the "alumni," I still see them as being the famous ones. It's kind of weird. I don't know if that makes any sense.

J.D.: Oh, absolutely!

Heather: The fact that I would get to meet them, and just hang out with them and share stories, and then perhaps have other people from my season on there, it's so exciting for me! I love that!

Priscilla: What do you hope that fans will see about you at the convention that they may not have known before?

Heather: That I am down to earth! I will talk to anybody. I've never met a stranger. Sometimes people get the impression, um, the way she looks or whatever, she's gonna be really stuck up, and I am not that way, and I want people to see that. I want to take pictures with the fans. I want them to feel like they can come up to me and talk to me, because they can. First and foremost, that I am down to earth, and I'm real. I'm a real person. I have real problems just like everybody else.

J.D.: I've mentioned to several people that you would be at the convention, and they remember you! They're excited to see you there. How does it feel that you've made such an impression that some fans are still anxious to meet you even one year later?

Heather: I think that that's great! Because I'm gonna have a career, y'know, and it's the fans that are going to buy my records and keep me going. I think that's awesome, and that actually just encouraged me. That was great! I'm glad that they remember me, and I'm excited about meeting them.

J.D.: Last year, I sat in on the American Idol Panel Discussion as one of the fans at the convention. This year I'm hosting it, which to me feels like I've come full circle. For you, now that you've been such a fan of American Idol, have been on the show, and now you're doing appearances for the fans, do you feel sort of like you've come full circle with American Idol?

Heather: Yeah! I do. I really do. I think it's wonderful. A year later, being kind of removed from it, I feel complete now. Again, I'm sooooooo excited. So excited!

Priscilla: What is the one question that you hope someone asks? Something you would like to talk about the most?

Heather: Ummm, probably... I know J.D.'s probably taking notes and is going to get someone to ask the question... um... who liked who?

Priscilla: Hmmmm!! (mischievous grin)

Heather: I think that's an interesting question!

J.D.: I think so too!

Heather: (laughs) Wouldn't you like to know?

J.D.: Who did you like? C'mon! Fess up!

Heather: Ahhh!!! Now you know, I'll save it for the panel discussion. (mischievous giggle)

Priscilla: Aww, gonna make us wait?

Heather: Yeah, the fans gotta come to find that out!

J.D.: Oh, alright! Well, where do you hope to grow from here, from this point in time?

Heather: Really just to remain grounded with however much more fame I get, or whatever. It isn't even about that for me. Stay grounded and to have a long lasting career sharing my music and touching people with my gifts.

Priscilla: If you could change one thing that you did on Idol, what would it be?

Heather: SONG. CHOICE. Oh my gosh. And another thing, during the two weeks, I really ruined my vocal cords during Hollywood week, because I would continually try to push singing when I had no voice. So it literally damaged my vocal cords. Even when I was on the show, I was not 100 percent at all. Some people say "she can't sing at all" or "she's tone deaf," and it's like noooo, I'm really really not! But y'know, what are you going to do about it now? But I would've picked songs that really would've showcased my voice better. I had a couple in mind, but then again you have to get clearance, and so those songs weren't cleared. The ones that the producers cleared were the ones that I had to sing, and they weren't the best.

J.D.: It looks like the convention is still growing. Since we started this interview, Will Makar has popped up on the convention page.

Heather: Yay!

J.D.: It looks like we're going to have quite a few of you guys there. We're looking forward to it an awful lot. It's going to be a great weekend in Nashville to get together with you there. Thank you so much for taking the time out to interview with us!

Heather: Absolutely! My pleasure!

Thanks again, Heather! (And yes, I take it back, you CAN sing.) If you want to check out her music, her new single has entered the rotation at Idol Waves Radio, where it can be heard along with many many other great songs written and recorded by your favorite American Idol formers.

We're looking forward to the convention, and we hope that many more of you fans out there can come be a part of it and hang out with us!

(photos courtesy of Atlas Photography and Heather Cox)

Blogger Ate It!

2007-05-17T20:02:00.001-05:00

I just posted a nice long transcript of my interview with Heather Cox, complete with pictures and everything. And then it went poof.

I'm much too frustrated to re-do a whole hour's worth of work tonight, so I'll try again tomorrow.

American Idol 6: Who Goes to the Finale?

2007-05-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Last night was too close to call. I don't know whether to trust DialIdol or not, but darned if they haven't been hitting the nail on the head most of the past few weeks. If they've got it right this week, it's Blake who will be going bye-bye tonight.

But then again, anything is possible, because THIS is American Idol.

Before that, though, I have to again wonder why anyone thinks Emily Deschanel is pretty? Now that she's anorexically gaunt, I can't watch Bones without thinking that they should add the words "Skin and..." to the title. By the way, that was the lamest season finale I've ever seen.

Tonight we get to see Elliott Yamin! Yay! And Maroon 5... ehh.

Homer Simpson manages to host the show better than Ryan Seacrest. I don't know that I'll ever get tired of that particular character. (Homer, not Ryan.) I think 19 should offer Dan Castallaneta the contract for this show. I'd much prefer him doing that than wasting his time with bit parts like the one he had in Stranger Than Fiction. I bet even Maggie Simpson could come up with more successful attempts at humor than our regular host. Ryan, of course, attempts to parlay the Homer experience into a joke, but as usual, it falls flatter than Paula without a wonder bra.

Hi, Brandon Rogers!

Intro the judges and Randy moos at Simon right before the recap of last night's rather good performances. I'm using the recaps to void my bladder, because I don't need to be reminded of how good it was last night. It just sort of takes away from it.

I was thinking while I was in the bathroom how much I'd like to have the money that Matt Groening has made from the Simpsons. I'd also hate to be Tracey Ullman. It must really suck to be the star of the show that spun off a more successful show. The Simpsons have been on the air for nearly 15 years, and most of you probably said Tracey who??? because you're not old enough to remember the Tracey Ullman Show.

Back to the show...except for it's another commercial. It's the American Idol Live Pop Tart concert that they're shilling. And you KNOW it's been a long season when there are contestants on there whose appearances cause you to think the following thought: "oh yeah! them!" Because you know you haven't thought about them for a month or so.

Jordin, Blake, and Melinda are still fresh on our minds, though. Ryan sits down and talks almost exclusively to Jordin. She recounts how they interviewed with Fox, did a show at her school, went to the mall, then had to come back, learn three songs and do the Ford video. We get to hear more about her trip home, and THIS is the most personal we've gotten with any of the contestants this year. I think this has been one of the downfalls of this season, and I'm not just saying that because Carmen Rasmusen said it. It seems like we didn't really get a chance to get invested with these kids this year, and I think that's totally to the detriment of the show. In years prior, there was much more focus on each individual's personality. I totally think everyone was more rabid about it last year too. With the exception of a few Lakisha fans, I haven't really seen people fighting about their favorite contestants too much. Granted several hardcore fans have formed their inanely named fan clubs (my head still hurts over Fanjayas and Fantonellas) but by and large, not a whole lot of people have been all that emotionally invested. ANYWAY, back to the scene at hand: Boy, Jordin sure got a butt load of people to show up for her. She's literally overwhelmed by it all, and as she marches through the halls of her school, she almost looks a bit too overcome, bordering on claustrophobic and scared. Enjoy it while it lasts, Jordin. Fame is a fickle mistress.

Jordin gets the "dim the lights" treatment first, so we're gonna get it down to two. Since she's the first, you HAVE to know she's safe. This is a no-brainer. So it's either a shocker elimination with Melinda going home, or Blake ends his journey here. As it turns out, it might be neither, as Ryan performs a cold act of send-home-us interruptus and throws to commercial. Like I said, much too early in this hour long Z-fest.

Brandon and Lakisha are in the house. Sitting together. Hey, wow, can we start the rumor mill?

Time for the American Idol Brain Strain, and how uncool is it to throw it out there that Elliott wasn't in the top two right before he performs?

Ryan can't sing. There's a reason why he hosts. I wish this show could borrow from Showtime at the Apollo and have the clown come out and hook people off the stage when they're sucking hard. Ryan would have a permanent mark around his waist if they did. But we don't have that, so Ryan sits down to chit-chat with the next victim: Blake Lewis. Blake likes big butts. Duh! Who doesn't? Ryan gets up and spanks himself and flexes his glutes for Blake. Or at least I imagine that's what happens as we enter this video package. I had to have SOMETHING to distract me from the bouncing boobs of that one chick who was a Blake fan. Can you say eww? I have finally figured out which cartoon character Blake is: Popeye the Sailor. He totally is. If he had puffy forearms, he'd be perfect. It came to me when I saw him walking on that pier. There are some sweet tender moments between Blake and his dad. Thankfully, Blake's dad doesn't cry as much as the McPhather from last year (if you recall who I mean.) Blake's moments come off as really sweet, though, and I find myself just a bit more sympathetic to him, even though I know he's not quite on the level with the remaining others. Sorry, y'all, but Blake screwed the pooch on the national anthem. That was wicked flat. Still, I've done the anthem before at baseball games, and that is one hard song to sing, especially with the acoustics of a stadium, so I don't fault him for that. If nothing else, you have to imagine he'd be nervous as all heck to sing in a Major League park.

Time to get to the results. Uh, yeah, right. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm Paula Abdul.

This is the moment I actually tuned in for. Elliott Yamin is back on the American Idol stage, and heck yes we missed you Elliott. And he's singing that same way that I loved last year. I hope all you Season 6'ers are watching out there, because this guy is everything that you should've been this year. He looks a lot better, that's for sure. Last year he looked like twenty miles of skint-back mule backside, but with that new grill and the long locks, he actually cleans up rather well. I love this song too. It's one of my favorite songs on his CD, which I purchased the nano-second it was released. (I had an advance copy of it, but I wanted to contribute to his success.) Elliott sort of reminds me why I love this goofy show, and he gives me hope that maybe I'll find another one like him next year. This year's just a fluke right? It will get better, won't it? Nice job Elliott! I love the fact that they do a mock judge's panel with him. What I wanted Simon to say was that Elliott should've been the winner last year, but I guess Simon was torn between him and Daughtry, and he let me down. Elliott's all nerves again, but he's definitely excited, and it's so nice to see one of the formers in this situation. Elliott thanks everyone under the sun, but that's okay, because he's Elliott, and I would allow him to be on my TV for a lot longer. It would be better than most of the filler.

Shame on you, Ryan. Don't mess with my Melinda like that.

I can't wait to see Live Free or Die Hard. I need a good bullet-slinging action-fest in my life.

Time for the car-mercial, and does anybody really pay attention to this anymore? I guess so, because I am. "Everybody Wants You" is yet another song that's totally not meant to be done that way. But the video was cute, especially with young Melinda rockin' rough and stuff in her afro puffs.

Speaking of Melinda Doolittle, it's time to talk to her. Ryan starts babbling about how he and Simon used to be famous, and he accuses Simon of sulking. Simon, on the other hand, is clearly not sulking. Rather, he's daydreaming, and unaware of anything until Ryan shouts at him and jars him back into reality. Simon doesn't even bother to play along with it and instead sinks back into his reverie.

Wow. It was Melinda Doolittle Day in my own state, and I didn't even know to take off of work! I'll have to remember to use my floating holiday for it next year. Melinda gets a street named after her, which is way beyond cool. I really would've liked to be there. It's a three hour drive for me, but it would've been nice to meet the next American Idol. Melinda is so cute with her parents. Gosh, I really like her. I said something about not getting emotionally invested with contestants, but I think she's the exception.

Time for the results, and nope, not falling for it!

I just saw Starscream transform in the trailer for Transformers. I need to go change my pants now. Color me one happy fan-boy.

Is your band worth anything? Then try out for American Band, or whatever the heck it's called. Send in your video.

It's time for Maroon 5's pointless performance. Just bring Elliott back out, please? I'm gonna go out on a limb right now and say that "She Will Be Loved" is the only listenable song by Maroon 5. This song sure isn't. I mean, dang. This lead singer is somewhat of a George Michael Lite, and that's being generous. It looks like there was either a lot of vocal correction on their album or they had to do 100 takes on each verse. Who cuts this guy's hair? Beavers? Please, let this end. I need some results. After the commercials, of course.

We've got about five seconds left in the show, so it's time to know the results. We start with Jordin, who is way taller than she should be. Jordin is in the finale, and for the first time this season, I am actually nervous for Melinda. I've got chills through my body. Please. Please! My spine's tingling and....

Melinda...

will...

And my spirit just died a little. This is wrong. Just. So. Wrong.

Unbelievably wrong. I give up. This season's over. I don't know if I've got it in me to recap the finale.

American Idol 6: Top 3 Perform

2007-05-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

Our long national odyssey is almost over. After this week, it's time for the finale. But first, one of the three has to hit the road.

It's been a crazy week in the music world. Disc jockeys losing their jobs left and right, Internet Radio on the verge of collapse, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! So hopefully we'll be able to take some sort of musical solace in tonight's performances.

Oh...for those of you who didn't hear it today, look for my interview with American Idol 5's Heather Cox and American Idol 6's Dani McCulloch to appear here soon! Plus, I'm absolutely bursting with the need to discuss the Opie and Anthony fiasco and the RIAA's continued insistence on shooting itself in the foot, this time through over-priced royalties for internet radio. So stay tuned to this spot right here!

For now, on with the show!

According to the teaser before the show, this is the MOST. IMPORTANT. IDOL. YET. Why? No, seriously. How come? Does this mean that it trumps Idol Gives Back? How can it be the most important Idol yet, when it doesn't even surpass other episodes within the same season? Still, you gotta love the extreme hyperbole, even if it doesn't pass the "truth in advertising" sniff test.

THIS...is American Idol.

Over the past week, the remaining three went home and did the whole "oh my goodness I'm a celebrity now" thing where all the people from back home who used to shun them and talk behind their backs are all now their best friends and telling each other how they grew up with their bosom buddy from A.I. Then the mayor of their respective cities will give them some kind of key to the city or declare it "Jordin Sparks Day" or something like that, which is all fun and giggles when we're in the moment, but when a year rolls around and school doesn't let out for Blake Lewis Day, it kind of loses its lustre.

The structure tonight is: (1.) Judge's pick (2.) Clive couldn't show up this year? Producer's pick and (3.) Contestant's pick. Which, thankfully, will not allow Lakisha a chance to sing "A Moment Like This."

I love how the mayor of Jordin Sparks's town is utterly gobsmacked to get a fax "straight from Simon Cowell!!!!" Like, ohmahgahhh!! You'd think that she'd opened a picture of Simon's testicles or something. Simon picked "Wishing on a Star" as performed by Rose Royce ("Car Wash") and then the Cover Girls ("We Can't Go Wrong"), which just goes to show you that Simon likes bubblegum pop. No rock, no country, just pure unadulterated teenybop pablum. Fortunately for Jordin, this selection fits her to a tee. It's a good performance, but danged if the song didn't bore me just a bit. Randy thinks it was a very good vocal. Paula likes it too. Simon thought she sang it brilliantly, but that it wasn't actually one of her better performances. He thought the jazz arrangement wasn't that great. Ryan can't get over Simon not liking the song he picked (and I can hear a billion other mindless recappers and board dwellers parroting that idea as if it were their own right now.) Really, this whole contrived thing with Ryan and Simon has COMPLETELY jumped the shark, and Ryan's just not witty enough for improv comedy. As for being a talking head and a stereotypical announcer, he's perfectly in his element, but being an off-the-cuff sort of comedian takes a whole 'nother skill set.

Blake Lewis's mayor got handed a fax straight from Paula Abdul! (Straight up from Paula? Narf.) These poor political types. They NEVER get mail from anyone important. What a boon for them to get to plaster themselves all over national television and run the very real risk of being re-elected because of it. Anyway, Paula picks "Roxanne" by the Police. Blake makes it "Roxanne" by 311. Once again, this is a horrid arrangement. And something's just not right with the instrumentation. I wish Blake weren't yelling at me so much. The chorus of this song just makes me have to go to the bathroom and clog up the toilet. While parts of this performance are quite nice, a good bit of it only serves to showcase Blake's vocal weaknesses, particularly in the upper register. I don't think he hit the "Rox" in Roxanne on key even once. Now I'll grant you this: Sting wasn't always on pitch in that song either. Still, at this point in the competition, I expect Blake to show me why he's a superstar, and that just wasn't it for me. Randy thinks it was hot. Paula thinks it was fantastic, and she comments on what? Phrasing?? Huh??? She knows what that is? Simon points out that when singing a song like that, you're almost forced to imitate the original singer, and that has a degree of truth to it, because you do have to make the song recognizable. Anybody wanna try singing "Thriller" without aping Michael Jackson? Can't be done.

The governor of my state, Phil Bredesen, takes a break from Medicaid reform to tell Melinda Doolittle that Randy is making her sing Whitney Houston's "I Believe In You and Me." And the only reason he's doing this must be because he was looking through the Book of Trite Talent Show Songs and somebody had ripped out "The Greatest Love of All." So he had to go for this insipid Whitney Houston touchy-feely crapola schlockfest. Oh, by the way, I don't like this song. Melinda, again, is spot on with her vocals, but I'd almost rather fall on my sword than hear this song again. And it's time to fire the wardrobe person. Melinda's wearing the most nondescript dress this side of a burlap sack. What can I say? Melinda performed what she had to perform, did it well, and probably got all she could out of it, but I just didn't like that song any at all. Did I mention I don't care for the song? Randy chose the song because he wanted to throw a challenge at Melinda. What?? That song's about as challenging as throwing a five yard pass with a Nerf ball. He thinks it's hot anyway. Paula calls it one of the best performances this season. Dude, have you guys seen this girl perform before? Simon says the same thing. I have to agree with them that round one does go to Melinda, but I hope to enjoy her more in other songs tonight.

Can we get Ryan fired for imitating an African-American accent? I can see Imus dialing his lawyers right now. Simon queries whether our diminuitive host is in fact inebriated, to which Ryan replies that no, he's just a faultily programmed android that was released from production without a properly functioning humor chip. And with height issues to boot. Seriously, NOTHING he has said this year has been funny. NONE. All of his jokes have 100 percent fallen flat. I still say we should give Martina McBride a call and give Ryan's job to her daughter.

Jordin Sparks is back on stage, and her favorite song of all time is "Mmmbop" by Hanson. If she sings it, I'll die. And if Ryan sings it AGAIN, I'm burning down my house. Does the man not have even ONE shred of cool? The producers picked "She Works Hard for the Money" which I used to perform with my fifth grade band (first chair alto sax) and which is probably right up Jordin's wheelhouse. Jordin sort of reminds me of a very young Donna Summer. Jordin does a respectable job with this song, but I'm really done with her inappropriate smiling. This is a song about the working class woman telling The Man to step off and stop oppressing her, not the theme to the Mickey Mouse Club. Vocally, though, she does well. I'm not sure why I catch the scent of Diana DeGarmo on her though. I hope that A.I. will do a bit more right by her than they did with the former. Randy/Paula heap nothing but praise on her. Simon found the arrangement a bit old fashioned, but he, through fits of laughter after Paula shows him naked pics of herself below the table, decides that she did fabulously.

Blake Lewis thinks he would be portrayed by Jim Carrey in a movie about his life. Funny, I was thinking more along the lines of a higher functioning Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, but that's just me. Looks-wise, he could be played easily by a younger Robin Williams. As for the song choice, "This Love" by Maroon 5, this is perfect, and I feel like Blake's doing a really really good job of it. The only time that I'm jarred out of love with this performance is when Blake throws the much-overdone beatbox into the middle of it. Yes, it was short, it fit in, but I can't tell you how tired I've become of it. It's like when you go to the comedy club, and the comedian is really funny, but he does this breathing thing that annoys you and you can't laugh because you're pissed off at him for wheezing. Randy thinks it's a good vibe for Blake, which it is. Paula still has nothing but positive things to say. Simon thinks it didn't sound like a copycat performance, however, I HAVE to point out that he sounded EXACTLY like Maroon 5. In fact, if I hadn't been paying attention, I would never have known the difference. That's not a BAD thing, but it certainly doesn't speak to originality. Overall, I think this was a solid Blake performance, and it was good enough to get him back in the game.

Randy and Simon take a moment to comment on The Simpsons' 400th episode, which is quite frankly incredible. The episode, not Randy and Simon. What's more incredible is that after so many years, the show is still sharply funny and relevant.

Wish I could say that about THIS show.

Melinda Doolittle is going to get to sing the song "Nutbush City Limits" and everyone who was waiting for Melinda to do Tina Turner will be having joygasms aplenty by now. Nutbush isn't very far from where I live. I used to do contract work for a domestic violence center that was named for Tina Turner. Believe me, Nutbush the community is nothing near as spectacular as Nutbush the song. This is what I was hoping for out of Melinda. One thousand percent better than the first song. Oh man, I'm loving this. Loving it too much to type about it. I want Melinda to have a career every bit like Tina's, with the exception of Ike beating her with a shoe. Randy thinks she should do more of this type of music, and yeah, I agree. Paula loves you, loves you, and loves you. Simon calls it a brilliant performance. Ryan forces Simon to name who the winner of that round was. Simon, against character, chooses to remain noncommital, and once again, something Seacrest initiates on the fly falls completely and utterly flat and cold. I miss Brian Dunkleman.

Jordin Sparks has a star embedded in the floor of her local mall. She autographs it, and that ought to survive maybe the first two mops and floor buffers. Guess she won't be working there anymore. She picks a slow number to close out, though I failed to pick up on what the actual name of the song was. Ah. Now this is much better, Jordin. This is the single I'd buy on iTunes. There was a brief painful moment there when she lost her vibrato, but she rebounded, and overall, I thought this one was hot. Randy thinks it was her best performance of the night, and I totally agree. Paula continues the trend of the judges being super super nice tonight. Simon AGAIN nails Jordin on being 17 and singing an older song. Stop the presses, Simon, some of us actually ENJOY songs that were recorded more than five years ago. Jeepers, does it all have to be throwaway pop? Jordin correctly points out that Simon chose a song that was 30 years old for her to sing earlier.

Blake Lewis got to perform with Sir Mix-a-Lot, who has not had a hit record since his first hit record WELL over fifteen years ago. You know the one, the song about big butts. Blake is singing a Robin Thicke song. It's better than Robin himself singing it, that much is for sure. I don't know this song, but then again, that's been Blake's ace in the hole this whole year, picking songs that we don't quite know so that we can't compare him to the original artist. I like the tactic. I like that this song is upbeat, and that covers up any vocal shortcomings. But then there's that blankety-blank beatbox at the end! Enough! Randy thinks it was alright. Paula thinks it was good. And Simon really liked it, because the song isn't more than a minute old, and he compliments Blake on having fun. Because, y'know, Jordin doesn't have fun. Right.

Melinda Doolittle has chosen "I Am a Woman" for her song. And apparently there is now a Melinda Doolittle street in Nashville. Oh baby baby, sing me the blues! I feel like I'm down on Beale Street right now. The backup singers are off key, but dang, Melinda! No other words in that sentence are necessary. Just, Melinda! I would buy that album right freaking now, and I want it on my CD rack. Randy/Paula sing all kinds of praises for Ms. Doolittle, and rightly so. Simon probably doesn't like blues, but I'm sure even he can't bad-mouth this performance. He states that based on consistency, she should be in the finals. Correction, Simon...she should WIN the final.

Predictions:

Why Blake could be safe: Rabid fan base, and they will be charged up to vote tonight.
Why Blake could go home: He was good tonight, but he was the lesser of the three.

Why Jordin could be safe: Teenage girl vote, stand-out performances tonight.
Why Jordin could go home: Teenagers never win this competition. And if in fact she's splitting a fan-base with Melinda, there's a good shot votes will fall Melinda's way.

Why Melinda could be safe: She's fabulous, and tonight was a vocal tour de force.
Why Melinda could go home: So much praise tonight could cause her voters to feel that she's safe. Voter complacency could make for a shocker elimination tomorrow night.

Randy thinks it will be girls in the finale. Paula cops out like she does every other freaking time she's asked this question. Simon wants Melinda in it. Doesn't care who else.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I think Blake goes home tomorrow. We'll see.

Day of Fire

2007-05-13T01:16:00.000-05:00

Priscilla and I just got back from a night of rock and roll at the New Daisy here in Memphis. Both of us sort of feel like we have fishbowls over our heads, and we're having to talk really loud to each other to be heard, but it was a lot of fun.

We were there to see Day of Fire. I'm a big fan of their first album, and they're opening a lot of shows for Daughtry, so we figured their show would rock the house.

First we listened through the lineup of bands that preceded them, including Fervor, an Atlanta band, who I highly recommend you listen to. They're quite good. L.A.'s By All Means Necessary was a stand-out band as well. Both of them rocked the house. Actually, all of the bands were pretty good, but these two stuck out in my mind.

Priscilla had to have a Day of Fire shirt, so we got her one, then we proceeded down to the stage. The turnout to the New Daisy was incredibly disappointing for a band that has as big a following as DOF does. It makes you wonder where rock-n-roll in Memphis has gone. But despite the smaller crowd, DOF played it just as if it were a Daughtry show, with enthusiasm and energy. Josh Brown--former frontman of Full Devil Jacket and now DOF's lead singer--took interest in several of us. He saw Priscilla wearing the DOF shirt, and he brought her over a glass of water before the show started. It was really rather sweet of him. When they launched into their set, it was a wall of pure rock, and they tore the roof completely off. Josh saw me singing the chorus of "Detainer" (one of my favorite DOF songs) and he got down there to have me sing it duet style with him into the microphone. I know it's just a crowd-pleaser type of thing, but now I can honestly say I've sung with Day of Fire. Sort of.

To their credit, Day of Fire performed their entire set, even though the turn-out wasn't up to standard. They gave every fan that came there the show that they paid for. They even came out when we yelled for an encore and performed their signature song, "Cornerstone." Class acts, all the way.

Oh, and it pays to have your wife wear the band's shirt. She got the drumsticks thrown directly to her. Could be she's cute too. Who knows?

Anyway, it was a good time, and I encourage you all to check out their official website and their Myspace. It's worth your listen.

American Voice: Jon Peter Lewis

2007-05-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

American Idol would be nothing, if not for memorable characters. And one of those came from Rexburg, ID, by way of Season 3. Jon Peter Lewis was memorable for many fans of the show as his uninhibited antics onscreen surged him all the way into the Top 8 before being voted off.

And he hasn't stopped being afraid to be himself since.

Offers aplenty came in for JPL after the show, but none of them appealed to the self-styled singer, who wanted only what everyone really wants to do: to live his dream, and live it HIS way.

Thus was born Jon's label, Cockaroo Entertainment, and from this was born his debut album, which--by the way--is the first full-length album to be released by a former Idol independently. I loved the album, as you know if you read my review of it earlier.

Jon was kind enough to sit down and have a spirited and fun discussion with me. Here's what we had to say!

J.D.: First the obligatory question: have you been watching this year's American Idol?

Jon: Yes, faithfully.

J.D.: What are your thoughts on the performers this year? (editor's note: this conversation took place while the Top 12 were still on the show.)

Jon: I think the talent's pretty shallow, to be honest with you. I think the girls are definitely a lot better than the guys, they're a lot better than the guys, although I think every season everyone seems to think around this time of year, "oh man it's terrible this year." But then as the finals go on, you really start to enjoy the people there a lot more.

J.D.: Do you have any favorites this year?

Jon: Um, yeah, I think I liked the most, probably Chris Sligh a lot. He was my favorite person on the show. He's not my favorite singer, but I think over all, I liked him the most. As far as singing's concerned, yeah, Melinda is the one to beat. I personally think she'll probably win the rest of the competition, but y'know, Chris is my favorite.

J.D.: Well you've been on American Idol. You did your thing in front of millions of people, you went on a nationwide tour opening to stadiums full of people. In a nutshell, what was that like for you?

Jon: Oh man, a whirlwind. You get caught up in it, I mean it just happens so fast! I was so not into the music business. I mean, not that I wasn't interested in it, it's just that my mind was elsewhere. I was in college. I was a student. I was doing a lot of things. I was in a theater company, actually, right before I auditioned for the competition. I mean, my brain was geared toward...well, my brain wasn't really geared in any one direction. I was still trying to figure out where I was gonna go in life. I just kind of auditioned for it, and then from that point, I was just kinda caught up in it. It just kind of spiraled and got frenzied to where it was. And then after the show was over, I was like, okay, well, this is my career path.

J.D.: It has been said that being on Idol is kind of like the equivalent of spending five years in the clubs trying to be discovered. Do you agree?

Jon: I disagree. I would say it's not at all in any way, shape or form like playing in clubs for five years. Because it's more similar to auditioning or getting in front of say Clive Davis or somebody and having them give you a record deal. I mean, because the people who go to clubs don't really watch American Idol. But I think the point that you're getting at is the exposure, and I think the exposure is unbeatable. But it's definitely not at all like playing clubs. I've been playing clubs ever since Idol was over, y'know, and the club scene is extremely different from the television show.

J.D.: When you finished the tour, what kind of offers were waiting on you after you got done?

Jon: For me, personally, it was kind of this teeny-bop type of thing, and I wasn't really interested in that specific thing. I think people offer you what they see in you while you're on the show, if that makes any sense. I think that the industry is looking at an American Idol trying to think "okay, how can I package this person?" And if they can't really figure it out, they don't even offer you anything.

J.D.: So you didn't like the direction others were taking you in. Do you feel like they were expecting you to be a different kind of musician than what you really wanted to be?

Jon: Well, yeah. I think for me they wanted me to be definitely something that I wasn't, that I didn't feel like suited me. I just wasn't comfortable with it. And I knew that I wanted to write a lot of my own songs and figure that out. I had a lot of learning to do right after Idol was over.

J.D.: So what was the breaking point for you where you decided "Okay, forget the mainstream, I'm gonna form my own record company and release my own album?"

Jon: Everything that I was doing led up to that moment, without like me ever really thinking about it or at one point saying "this is what I'm going to do." It was like a process that just led me there that was inevitable. I didn't want to listen to what people were telling me from some of these major companies, so I started writing all my own songs, and it was kind of like as I went along, it became more of "I want to do it right for myself." And that became more and more of a mantra. It's been good for me. I'm very happy with the way things turned out.

J.D.: What are the advantages and challenges of releasing an album on an independent label?

Jon: Well, the biggest challenge is marketing. The amount of money and connections that you have. Essentially a record label is a big bank that has connections in the music world, and that's really all a record label is. With a major label, you get really deep pockets, and they can plug you into a lot of places. You get advertised in a lot of places, and people know who you are. The advantage, though, is that as opposed to getting ten cents for every record that I would sell, I would get ten dollars. If I get ten dollars, it takes me... What it would take Taylor Hicks a million records to do, I can do in a hundred thousand.

J.D.: Now more than ever artists can use the internet to directly market to their fans, interact with them, and share their music.

Jon: Absolutely!

J.D.: How have you personally tried to accomplish this?

Jon: Myspace is a great way to mobilize your fans. I think you don't rely upon major labels or anybody that has this connection already to say "I need to put this in the newspaper" or anything like that. There's not a control over the media like there has been in the past, so I can kinda put things out there as I want to. But I think this can also be to an artist's detriment. I think an artist does need to think about their timing and their image control. There's a lot of things to be aware of if you are going about releasing your own stuff, especially if you're trying to appeal to a mainstream audience.

J.D.: Do you participate in comments on message board, on your official site or elsewhere?

Jon: Yeah, from time to time. I respond to people that come to my Myspace periodically. I don't have time to really in depth respond to everybody, but people who come to my Myspace, I respond to them. And my website, from time to time as well. I definitely will post. I have this blog I have been doing with AOL last season, and with this whole American Idol season, which is good for me. People have all these questions about what I think about this year's American Idol, and I usually just direct them to my blog, and they can read all about it there.

J.D.: Where can we find your blog?

Jon: It's on TV Squad. It's right on AOL.com. You just go into the American Idol section. They've got my picture up, and my blog is right there.

J.D.: Tell me a little about Stories From Hollywood. Where did most of the concepts on this album come from?

Jon: The first song, "Stories From Hollywood," was one of the first songs that I recorded. I recorded it immediately after American Idol. I knew that I wanted to do some recording immediately and get some songs prepared and ready right away. And so, I just started assembling music as soon as I was on the tour. My cousin, he's in a band, on tour, and in the spotlight, and they've had a lot of exposure, and he's a great musician, so he actually wrote "Stories From Hollywood." And he approached me right after the show, and was like "hey here's a song, and it's really applicable to stuff that's going on with you right now." I heard it, and I thought "oh, this is great!" So I recorded "Stories From Hollywood" and "Turn to Grey" immediately after that October when we got off the tour from American Idol. And then the rest of the songs kind of happened as a progression or as a process, all up until last November when I released it. Each song is like opening up a photo album for me, because I know this is a song I wrote at this time, and the other is a song I wrote at another time, and each one has kind of it's own individual story. As I was doing that, I thought "Stories From Hollywood" is a really applicable title for a whole compilation of songs, because each of them are not only their own songs, but I think there's also the double entendre of the story from Hollywood. It's kind of when you're living the life that you've always wanted. It's kind of reflective toward what some of my thoughts were toward American Idol and the big carrot that was at the end of the tunnel.

J.D.: Where are you, typically, when you write your best music?

Jon: Oh, geez. Hmmm...either late at night or in the shower. A lot of these songs that I have written come to me just before bedtime. And so there have been a lot of nights where I'm just lying in bed, and then a melody and lyrics will come. It's kind of like that state you're at between being asleep and being awake. You start to think about things. And then melodies would come to me, and I'd sit down and start writing them. All of them, though, it's like for as many songs as they are, each one kind of starts in its own way. Generally, I think music comes at night.

J.D.: You said your favorite song is "Man From Amsterdam"? What is it about that song that resonates so much with you?

Jon: Um, I like that song mainly... I mean, I like the fact that it's uh... I don't know, I think the chorus is unique and that the vocals sound really unique to me. There's the duet with myself. It's got a really unique sound, but I definitely like the big chorus, but I also like that it has this really urban cool feel in the verses. I don't know, but I really liked it. I think it's my favorite on the record, since the record seems to be an extremely pop record. I think that song is a good blend of pop and rock.

J.D.: "If I Go Away" was on our Idol Waves charts for several months this year. I think it was number 19 on the year-end chart.

Jon: Wow.

J.D.: And "Gypsy Queen" is on our charts now. How gratifying is it to know that there are fans out there that are voting for your music online, and that there has been such a positive response?

Jon: Oh, it's amazing, man. It's so awesome. It's always gratifying anytime that somebody appreciates something that I'm doing, or connects to it, or just relates to it. It's the reason why you get into the music business, I think. It's not just about the self-expression. It's about the ability and the opportunity to communicate with people and have people understand what you're trying to communicate. I have always thought that music was the highest form of communication, and I think it's just great if people can understand what's happening emotionally in the song.

J.D.: Now that you have your debut album under your belt, where would you like to grow and change for your second release.

Jon: Gosh, it was definitely a learning experience with this last record. I mean, it's a huge process of trial and error. I've got a lot of acoustic songs that I've written. There are also a lot of rock songs that are on the table that I'm playing with the band. So in the future, it will be interesting to see how I negotiate and how the difference is negotiated, because there is a really wide spectrum of interest that I have in songs that I have written. I'm not exactly sure how I'm gonna attack the difference or if I'll do two different records that are almost completely different. I don't know. We'll see. There's definitely going to be some variety and some change and some things that I think are gonna be interesting that you're going to hear.

J.D.: Is there another album in the works?

Jon: Definitely, we are working on it. Right now, I'm kind of in the song-writing stage, but there's definitely another album planned. I haven't really put down any specific time frame on when I'm going to release it. I'm still working on promoting the one that I have now and seeing how far I can take that, and then move on to the next one accordingly. I really haven't put a time frame on it, but there's definitely another record in the works, and I already have several songs that are being toured around and they might be on the next one. I don't know. We'll see.

J.D.: I believe you recently toured with some former Idols through Missouri. What's it like touring with others who have also been part of the Idol experience, yet are still having to work hard to make it in the industry.

Jon: It's fun for me, because we're all kind of like in the same similar place. It's nice to compare notes, and it's also nice to just talk to people who completely understand. Being a former Idol and still working in the business is an extremely unique position to be in. There's just the fact that you start at the top and you are working from the top down, rather than from the bottom, and then kind of filling in the gaps from there. It's an extremely unique position to be in, so it's nice to be on the level with others who are kind of there with you, and that understand where you are at.

J.D.: Do you prefer the smaller venues versus the big screaming crowds from the Idol tour?

Jon: Well, you have a lot of fun in the small venues. I really like them. There's an energy. They are two different animals. You can perform one way and have a lot of fun in some of these small clubs. At the same time, there's a different kind of show that you perform in a big concert. I guess I prefer more like mid-size venues that aren't extremely small where I can see everybody's eyes, but the ones that aren't too big either that they're just overwhelming and you can't really connect with everybody.

J.D.: Where can we catch you performing?

Jon: Well, I'll be in L.A. performing at B.B. Kings at the beginning of May. I'm currently just talking with a bunch of other clubs, scheduling more performances. You can keep posted on my Myspace, and through my website.

J.D.: Anything that is in the works that you'd like to let your fans know about?

Jon: Um, no, not necessarily. Well, yes and no. But I'll keep that under wraps, until I know for sure. I'll have to be enigmatic for this one.

J.D.: Is there any message you'd like to send out from yourself to your fans?

Jon: I've been asked that question before, and I think the best answer and the most appropriate, I think, is just thanks. A big thank you from me to you. I really appreciate the support, and all the love. And keep coming to shows and having fun and all that stuff.

J.D.: Thanks for taking time out to talk to me here!

Jon: Awesome, my pleasure! Thanks for interviewing me!

It was my great pleasure. Now, I know there are more of you out there who will want to meet Jon, and you'll get your chance. Just meet both of us in Nashville on June 30th and July 1st at the second annual Reality TV Convention. We can't wait to see you there!

American Idol 6: Top 4 Results

2007-05-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

I'm having to do this on a slight tape delay tonight. Busy schedule...I'm sure you'll all understand. For some reason, my VCR (yes, I'm old school) decided to tape tonight's show in black and white, so I feel more like I'm watching the Ed Sullivan Show than American Idol.

I talked to Heather Cox today, and she's definitely going to appear at the Reality TV Convention this year. Should be a great time. I also called Will Makar, and I expect him to show up along with the president of the record label that signed both him and Ayla. Some other hopefuls...I've spoken with Ayla Brown, Sarah Mather, Rudy Cardenas, Nikki McKibbin, and several others, and many of them are interested. So far, only Constantine and Bucky Covington have outright turned it down. (Constantine doesn't do much Idol stuff anymore, and Bucky was already booked.) Not sure how many of the others will ultimately be able to make it, but we already have a great cast built up. I personally can't wait. I think it will be great fun.

Now, viva la results.

The final four are lined up in order of fashion, from most hideous to barely passable. THIS is American Idol.

In order to cram more into the show than was absolutely necessary, Pink is going to be here, just so we can be encouraged to fail to buy her album.

The judges have switched their seats, and Paula is in Simon's chair rubbing all up on herself. Ryan, ever the quick-witted one, says something about Paula's chi-chi's being smaller than Simon's. He immediately regrets it, when his brain catches up to his mouth and he realizes that the implication could swing badly the other way. Paula sort of ignores it, because she's botched boob jobs before anyway, so she goes on to spoil the surprise that Jessica Alba be in da house, yells at her about how hot she is, and Ryan remains on stage stumbling over his own lips trying like all heck to get the train back on the tracks.

Ryan asks Randy if he thinks it will be a shocker, and it most certainly will NOT, and he knows this, so that makes him even more disingenuous. Ryan repeats a joke from last season about how the show is all about Simon and how they should be thanking him for allowing them in his purview. As they respond to his inanity, Ryan sprints across the stage, takes a flying leap, and sails right over a shark that is swimming by.

I'll spare you the recap of last night's horrid mess. You all remember it.

Man-on-the-street time. A segment that should've been done away with in the first producer's meeting. It's amazing how many people are willing to make horse's behinds out of themselves dancing to "Stayin' Alive" on national television. Apparently there was a grandmother and soccer mom convention at the farmer's market this year. My new favorite word is now "goose bumples." And I'm with the kid, go Lakers!

Time to go buy your tickets for the American Idol Live tour. Somehow, it was necessary to show Ashley. I wonder if she will go on tour with them. I hope she does, because somehow a crying hormonal tweenager makes me feel like my life is a bit less complex than I thought it was. I've already got it figured out for myself which parts of the show I will spend at the concession stand and the bathroom line. Will I go this year? It's likely, because I'm sure they'll come through Memphis. I'll let you know how it all goes.

Pink is appearing tonight, for absolutely no reason at all, and they too will be the victim of a horrid mix. The drums are overpowering everything, and you can barely hear Pink's vocals or the guitar. The audio crew on this show really really deserve to be taken outside and beaten with shoestrings after the show. For two nights in a row, they've been off their game. There's a hint of frustration in Pink's eyes, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she ripped her earpieces out. She manages to keep it together. To be honest with you, if people complain about Nikki McKibbin and then say good things about Pink, I can't take them seriously. I don't care for her new stuff much at all.

Car-mercial! Who picks the songs for these? They've almost without fail been completely inappropriate. This time the Idols are profaning the Kinks' "You Really Got Me." I'm sorry, this isn't meant to be sung by a pop quartet. It's meant to be rocked out by a garage band.

Time for the American Idol Special Olympics...er, Challenge. Who went to Africa? You mean besides Carrie?

Ryan chats with the judges about song choices, and here we go with the group medley. I don't remember what it started out with, because I am sitting here flabbergasted at how unprofessional the sound engineering on this show really is. Melinda starts singing and there's...hmmm...no mic level! There is REALLY no excuse for this. It's not a dead battery on the mic, either. It's the sound guy who is asleep at the wheel for a whole verse while Melinda is having to be heard only through the ambient sound of the others' mics. Further into the group number, the sound guy overcorrects, and Melinda's mic is drowning everybody else out. On a production of this scale, that's absolutely inexcusable. The whole rest of the song just sounds jacked up, and the Idols struggle nervously through it. Someone is losing their job tonight.

Man, Bill Maher is looking old these days.

After the break, we'll find out who loses.

Ryan sits and talks with the remainder. There are the requisite questions about how the Idols are feeling about last night's performances. Ryan picks out Lakisha's uneasiness last night, and say what you want about last night, but I don't think she could look any more uneasy then than she does tonight. Melinda addresses her dad-blasted consistency, dang her eyes, and admits that she's got to do better than being the best, however one does that. Jordin frets about the little time she had with which to learn the song and outperform everybody last night. Blake, affecting a lisp for the first time this season, reveals that he, in fact, was the one who shot Lee Harvey Oswald. Or something.

There's a pimp spot for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. They didn't get to see the whole film, mind you...just a clip. That begs the question: why not? Goodness sake, they got to watch Shrek, why not give them an hour and a half to enjoy the whole thing? I liked the first FF movie, but it was a bit under par from most Marvel movies. Judging by the trailer, this one should be a good bit better. Seeing Jessica Alba with blue eyes is just sort of weird, though. Dark Angel baby! She's a lot taller than I thought she was. This is a landmark for this season, though. Having the Human Torch on set assures us that now there has been someone in the Idol studios who went up in flames quicker than Chris Sligh or Brandon Rogers.

Man, is this over yet? There's only four of these people...why do we need an hour?? We learn a lot about the Idol's childhoods, which is all fun and games. There's nothing to really poke fun at. Lakisha says something about her "nappy fro" and Don Imus immediately starts dialing his lawyers. Gotta say it: Melinda was an odd-looking kid. She's cute now, but she definitely had her awkward age. Jordin looks the same as she did the day she emerged from the birth canal. Blake is, again, cooler than you.

Time for the results. Or not. Twenty minutes of commercials first. The cell phone commercial, yeah, that was funny the first time. Now that we've reached the millionth airing of it, it's time to switch ad campaigns.

Onstage, the final four are huddled. And they shall not separate. They aren't going to play Ryan's little game tonight, and with the script out the window, he panics for a split second. It's as though the teleprompter went out while he was telling a joke. The producers apparently whispered something very threatening into their earpieces, because they rapidly uncoil.

Jordin Sparks is the first to learn that she's safe. There's no big shock there.

Apparently, the Idol producers are looking to start a new show geared toward bands. An interesting concept, one that Half Past Forever should've waited for.

Now it's time to listen to Barry Gibb do.... do..... whatever that is he's doing. It ain't singin'. He's doing "You Don't Know What It's Like," and goodness gracious, someone get Michael Bolton out here to save this guy. It sounds more like an epileptic seizure than a solo. This is why there were other Bee Gees. I couldn't listen to this for any more than three minutes before stabbing my ear out with a pencil. I'm sorry, if I were one of the Idols, I'd have to corner him backstage and give him some pointers. My wife observes that, other than the possibility that those jeans of his are cutting off his circulation to his lungs, he might be singing in this fashion so that his dentures don't fly out and bite one of the judges. The audience cheers mightily, but then again, this audience would go bonkers if a dog were to walk up on stage and pee on the backdrop.

Time to drop one of the final three. Melinda is safe, and that leaves B-Shorty and Lakisha in the bottom two. And justly so. Randy won't venture a guess who will go home. Simon doesn't know, but he's willing to share a guess with us until Paula and Randy shout him down. He picks the KiKi. Paula showers them with rainbows, puppies, and flower petals.

Blake is safe. No shock. Almost all of us called this one all the way. LaKisha is going home, and unfortunately I fear we should get ready for all the LaKisha fans to scream racism. Well, that's the end of the run for Lakisha. It was quite a good run, and it should afford her some good opportunities in the future. I wish her the best of luck, despite some of the things I've said in the past, and I'll be following her career.

Next week, the top three... But don't stay away from the blog. Coming up this week, interviews with Jon Peter Lewis and Heather Cox. More news on the Reality TV Convention. And all the blabber that's fit for me to print.

American Idol 6: Top 4 Perform

2007-05-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the week again. Time for the best of what's left to dazzle us with their vocal acumen. I fully intend to enjoy tonight, since I like most of who are left.

I did want to say that I thought, in retrospect, that some of the things I said about Chris Richardson last week were probably a bit over the line, so I certainly want to apologize for that. I have striven to keep my recaps from becoming mean-spirited, and I sort of lost grip with that with my review on Chris. So Chris, if you happen to be reading, I'm sorry for that. And Lakisha...well, I'll try to be a little bit more humane to you tonight too.

I guess part of my feeling bad about it comes from the fact that I've been talking to former Idol hopefuls pretty much all day. And while that's a good thing, it reminds me that these kids are people too, and don't deserve such a hard time. I promised I wouldn't do that to them this year, and I kinda did, so ...not much I can say but sorry!

Now that my Kellie Pickler moment of the season is over, let's move on...

It looks like the Reality Convention is shaping up to be quite an event for Idol fans, and there are just as many Idols who are looking to get involved as there are currently confirmed. Some of the possibles are Celena Rae, Heather Cox, Sarah Mather, Dani McCulloch, Brooke Barrettsmith and a few others that I'll keep under wraps for now. I found out last night, as I posted in a previous blog, that I will be conducting the 45 minute American Idol panel discussion, so I'm looking forward to hanging out with all of them. The VIP passes don't hurt much either! I hope some of you guys will be able to attend as well.

Anyway, on with the show!

30 Million Americans will decide the fate of the Top 4. If you break that number down, you come up with approximately nine 13 year old girls with speed-dial and one Fanjaya who doesn't yet realize Mr. Malakar is no longer with us. THIS is American Idol.

Ryan escaped a near-death experience with his razor again this week, and comes in as unshaven as if he were attending a frat party. His suit at least is better attire than Simon's cleavage-baring t-shirt. Man-boobs...not so sexy! Of course he somehow manages to look better than Paula, who, as my wife observes, looks like a re-animated corpse tonight. Randy is here too, just sort of sitting there, existing.

And now it's time for Barry Gibb, best known as a member of the Bee Gees, who, in terms of career stats, have been played in more gay bars than any other band in history, with the possible exception of the Village People. I have this little vision of a miniature John Travolta dancing across the bottom of my screen. Say what you will about 80's hair, but those Michael Landon manes they sported in the 70s are just repulsive. Barry is impressed by the Top 4, and quite possibly wondering how his career came down to this level. I mean, when was the last time this cat had a record out?

Melinda Doolittle is going to sing "Love You Inside and Out," which, as Barry points out, is a falsetto song, but Melinda is going to punch the song right in the gut, bring the soul out of it, and hopefully re-invent the song to the point that I'll actually like it. Melinda's stylist needs to be given a raise, because the girl finally looks like a woman tonight! I like her vocally. I mean, what can you say? There's rarely any fodder for criticism from this one. I'll be honest and say that I wasn't excited by the beginning, but the song does build up, and by the time she's approaching the bridge of the song (or where the bridge SHOULD be) I'm groovin' with it. As always, much love for Melinda, even though I liked every single other of her performances better. I have to admit it. This wasn't her night. Randy calls it solid, and since there's nothing REALLY to criticize he can't really say that it sucked, even though he wants to. Paula confirms this and nails her on her consistency. Dang her for always doing well! I wondered when this would happen...Melinda is just so good that if she isn't spectacular, we won't like her. Simon wasn't that impressed by it, expected incredible, but didn't find it to be anywhere in that ballpark. And for the first time this whole entire year, Melinda gets a bad rap.

Randy attempts to call Simon from the other end of the table, probably because the vacuum between Paula's ears is causing too much of a roaring sound for them to communicate verbally across the table.

Blake Lewis is going to sing "Dancin," and ladies and gents, I give you the beat-box. He's going to work it out in falsetto, which should be interesting. He starts off just a tad flat, but he corrects quickly. As falsetto goes, I think I much prefer Sway Penala from last year. Remember when he did Earth Wind and Fire? Hot dang! As for Blake, up until the beat-box part, I'm not incredibly impressed. It's okay, but I wonder just how much of a CD I would listen to with someone doing this sort of thing. I like that it's unique, but at what point does it become hackneyed? The breakdown in the middle is nothing short of phenomenal, though. I have to give credit where credit is due. Altogether, it's not a wretchedly bad performance. Randy thinks that the beat-boxing didn't work tonight and that the song didn't need it. He found it to be distracting. Paula thinks it started weakly, and she of all people complains about his pitch (have you heard "Rush Rush"??), and then she dives directly for the beat-box to have something positive to say. Simon thought it was terrible. Ryan attempts beat-boxing, and I think legislation should be passed to keep that from ever happening again.

Lakisha Jones can't find another Idol winner's song to sing, so she'll go after the Bee Gee's signature song. She has a right mess of a time trying to tackle the falsetto. First off, the part that's not totally her fault: I don't care for the arrangement on this song. It sounds like something you'd hear in a cheap strip club. It's too downbeat, also, and it's not danceable unless you have a pole in front of you. Vocally, I feel like she performed the verse better than the chorus, and I was starting to feel her, but once she dropped to the low notes in the chorus, it turned into a hot steamy mess. I give her points for better fashion this week, but there's a lot about this performance that I'm not buying. It seems very very cabaret to me. It's like that song that you hear on the radio that you kinda like, but you know something's wrong with it, and you can't help but imagine what it would be like if they just did something a little different. At this point, with all the light show and everything, I feel like Austin Powers is going to come out from backstage at any moment and moon us. Randy dawgs on Lakisha for flippin' the script on the song. I know a lot of people are going to point out that they praised Blake for changing a song last week, but Randy does have a point. Some songs are good when they're remixed, and some songs are just right the way they are. This song is that song. Paula thought slowing the tempo of the song down was a horrid idea. Simon cheekily suggests that everyone would be running for the exits, and then gets all up in her kool-aid about the screaming and everything else. I don't think he'd kiss her tonight if she had money on her lips.

Jordin Sparks gets the pimp chat in the Coke question booth. What has she learned about herself? Apparently a big honking LOT. And she summed it up all in 97 words and ONE breath. She's making good grades in school, though, and even sitting down, she towers over the hobbit-like Seacrest. She's going to sing "To Love Somebody." Every time I hear this, I think of the Michael Bolton version, which is okay, so long as I don't think about it any longer than a few seconds. Hopefully after tonight, I'll remember Jordin. She sounded great in the video package, so let's see what happens here. Well, so far so good. It starts out nice for me, and I can tell that Jordin has really been working on this one. She has NOT been working on her wardrobe. At first I thought "nice dress" and then I saw the jeans sticking out of the bottom. She has sort of a Punky Brewster look tonight. If only she were wearing mixed-matched Converses and a skate key, it would be perfect. This performance, though, is easily the best of the night so far. I think it was an excellent choice of song. The peppy ones have been giving her fits lately, so slowing it down was nice. Randy agrees that it was the best vocal so far. Paula physically grabs the mic and attempts to gulp it down. Simon calls it the best vocal so far and declares the competition back on.

Melinda Doolittle's first tape that she bought was Michael Jackson's Bad. Her mom crossed out the word and put "Good" on there. I prefer "Weird Al" Yankovic's take on it. (Even Worse.) I feel old now, because the first thing I bought was a 45 record. It was "Thriller." Melinda is going to sing "How Can You Stop the Rain From Falling." Melinda and Barry go back and forth over something about leaving a line out that I missed because I'm too busy trying to be a smart aleck. Okay, I like this song a bit better, but I really really reeeeeeeeally wish she would've chosen an uptempo number to close out. They need to fire whoever is running the sound boards tonight, because the backup singers are over-modulated, and at times they're drowning out Melinda altogether. Melinda, yet again, is living the song, almost literally teleporting herself into whatever setting the song was written in, channeling the lyricist's emotions through her every pore, and leaving us with no doubt as to what the song means. Once again, an impeccable vocal, but song choice? Can't be sure. Randy thinks it was much better, calls her the "resident pro" again, and says she has it going on. Paula babbles on and on about how she wishes that Melinda would finally emote, which is the most idiotic judgment I've heard in all six years. She wants to be wowed, which just goes to show you that where Sanjaya could fart and get praised for it, Melinda has to bring it 150 percent every time or else she'll get dissed. With great power, comes great responsibility, I suppose. Simon thinks the second half of that song just bought her way into the semi-finals, but not unless you VOTE VOTE VOTE.

Blake Lewis picked an obscure Barry Gibb song that he could contemporize. It wasn't a hit record for them, and who knows if Blake might bring some extra funk to it. I like the opening, and the funk groove is nice for me. I really wish Snoop Dogg would come out on stage and start busting a rhyme right about now. It would feel right in place. I don't think the mix on this is being done just right...someone fire the mixer guy! Thankfully, Blake shies away from too much of the beat-box in this song, though I think it will likely come out a few more times before the season's over, or even this song for that fact. This time, though, he's showcasing his vocals, which are quite nice, and it's now okay that he throws a bit of that beat-box at the end. Much better than the last performance. Still, I'm not dazzled. Randy emphasizes that the beat-box is going to get old the more that Blake does it. We all wished he'd do it when he stopped doing it for a while, and now that he's doing it, we wish he'd do it less. Ah, so fickle, the American public! Paula said something. Don't know or care what. Simon calls the song tuneless and bizarre. And either they've just sent him home tonight, or (more likely) they've charged up his fanbase to vote. Which means nothing but bad things for...

Lakisha Jones...

But first, Judge Judy and Simon's mom, and we now have definitive proof that one is not the other. Ryan babbles too long with the combustible TV judge, and then has to all quick-like toss to...

Lakisha Jones, who will be singing "Run to Me." A slow, soulful ballad that she will nail IF she can emote and tank if she cannot. I definitely liked the original outfit better. I feel like I could pull up Lakisha's chest and use it to sit on while I play Nintendo. A bit too much displayed for my taste. Boy, howdy, what a boring song. This would've been a much better opening number, but it's certainly not something you want to close out with. You want to leave the audience with something that they'll be humming while doing laundry, not something they'll have to wrack their brains to remember tomorrow. Her diction on this song is terrible, and she's chopping up her words. The money notes at the end fall flat, and she's behind the beat ever so little, just enough that it causes her to lose the necessary punch. Don't even get me started on the final note that just flat busted. Randy gave her a pass on the hoarseness. Now, I'm not sure how much the Idols perform during the day, but losing your voice after two songs (four if you count the dress rehearsal) is just not going to cut it in the real world. Randy says it was better, but not good. Paula says good job. Simon says good job, and we must be REALLY short of time because we are OUTTA there. Ryan is talking in double-time, and there's a lightning quick toss to break. This may just be the nail in Lakisha's coffin. No pimp talk time after performing and a lackluster reviewing pretty much spells H-O-M-E.

Jordin Sparks will be closing the show by singing Barbra Streisand's "Woman In Love," and methinks that Ms. Sparks has caught on that these particular songs are right smack dab in the middle of her wheelhouse and that the judges like her to sing them, no matter what they say about the young fun Jordin. Barry thinks that Jordin will become one of our greatest female recording artists. Wow. Big praise. Y'know, Jordin is just...just... pretty. Not pretty in a supermodel on catwalk sort of way, but just darling adorable in a warm fuzzy sort of way. I like her vocal here. I got a little worried with her on the closing part of the song, but she pulled it off well. She almost missed the key change and she does start it out ever so slightly flat, but she corrects, and closes it out with a wail. I actually quite liked that one, even if I don't quite think I'd ever buy the single. Randy calls it pitchy all the way through. Paula and Randy both immediately cut from Jordin to compliment Barry's songs, almost all of which turned into steaming messes tonight. Simon calls it pageant-y and complains that it's much too elderly of a performance, a judgment which I've quite frankly become tired of hearing this year. Y'know, some people like songs other than Backstreet Degrees in Sync Dating Britney Spice.

Bad on the director tonight for pacing the show so horribly as to run out of time at the end. And c'mon FOX...you couldn't time shift House for just a few minutes?

Predictions: tomorrow night, I fear for Lakisha. Blake has the power voters behind him. The only way Lakisha doesn't go home is if Melinda and Jordin voters get complacent and don't vote.

Reality TV Convention 2007

2007-05-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that the Reality TV Convention 2007 is coming up soon. It will be held on Saturday, June 30 & Sunday, July 1, 2007 in Nashville, Tennessee at the Radisson Hotel at Opryland. This year promises to be even better than last year, as there have been quite a few stellar additions to the lineup.

This year, stars of the following shows will interact with fans: American Idol, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, Average Joe, Big Brother, The Biggest Loser, Fear Factor, Joe Millionaire, Kept, Next, Outback Jack, The Real Gilligan's Island, The Real World, Starting Over, Survivor, Trading Spouses, The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, Unan1mous and Wanted Ted or Alive.

Some guests you might remember: Howie Gordon from Big Brother, Rupert Boneham and Jonny Fairplay from Survivor and Marguerite Perrin from Trading Spouses.

For those of you who are American Idol fans, you will get to meet the following contestants: Season 3: Jon Peter Lewis. Season 4: Scott Savol, Lindsey Cardinale, Mikalah Gordon, Jessica Sierra. Season 5: Will Makar and The Maynard Triplets. Season 6: Perla Meneses.

Last year, Musical Ramblings rocked the blogosphere when I published the American Idol Panel Discussion at the Reality Convention. This year, yours truly will be the moderator for the panel discussion. So if you've enjoyed the Idol Interviews in the past, come to the convention, and you'll get to see me do it live!

Oh yeah, here's the link: www.realitytvconvention.com

Don't miss it!

Lisa Tucker in Memphis

2007-05-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

It was my great pleasure this past Sunday to meet and greet American Idol 5's Lisa Tucker. She was in town doing a Macy's promotional event (launching the sale of American Idol T-shirts) and the chance to hear her live was too much for us to pass up. Lisa and I email from time to time, and I've already interviewed her once, so I couldn't wait to meet the girl on the other end of the phone.

The first glimpse I caught of her was in the checkout line. Seems Lisa had a bit of pre-show shopping to do. Must be a female thing, because my wife was wanting to do the same. I noticed her there with her mom, who I also got to meet later.

Most of the crowd who turned out to see Lisa were of the younger sort: tweens and younger. And they were pretty psyched to see her. There was a security rope set up to keep people back from the stage, but the crowd wasn't too rowdy (except one kid who was crying in the background.) The first thing Lisa did when she stepped onto the stage was to do away with the security cord and gather all the kidlets on stage with her to perform "Tell Him." Her security detail (three mean and ugly lookin' dudes) could not have been less happy about it, but she wouldn't have it unless the kids were on stage dancing with her. She also performed a new song, "Forever Isn't Long Enough" and took questions from the crowd for a long while.

After, she signed autographs, my wife ran off with my credit card and bought an American Idol shirt, and fun was had by all. Lisa owed me an autographed picture from earlier, and she had promised me she'd bring it to the event. When I introduced myself, she slugged me in the arm and she said "oh THAT J.D." and then she immediately went into sheepish mode and explained she'd only remembered that she left my autographed pic at home by the time she made the layover in Atlanta. So somewhere out there I have a Lisa picture floating around. Who knows where. She signed my A.I. book and promised me I'd get the new single on mp3. She also signed Priscilla's shirt, and the two of them chatted for a minute.

I also met Lisa's mom, Eleanor. I just love her accent. And she's so nice too. She also explained to me about the picture being left at home.

So as for Lisa's upcoming projects, there are quite a few. She has a show in Anaheim on June 2 with her band. She'll be doing some more shows with Zoey 101 on Nickelodeon, but the main thing she's excited about is her new Fox TV pilot, Born in the USA. She's already shot the pilot, and they're anxiously awaiting the fall lineup on Fox.

American Idol Top 6 Down to Top 4

2007-05-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

Alright, time to get rid of two people. Straight to the results...

Except for the hour long filler.

I'm glad to see that Ryan found his razor. Antonella Barba is in the audience, and she looks like someone peed in her cheerios in the worst way. Either that or there are some more pictures out there.

Randy boos Simon, and when he does that, it always sounds more like a moo. I keep expecting him to bend over and chomp some hay off the floor. There's some more random commentary from the judges, Paula in particular. Then there's the joke about Simon's genitalia, which bordered on all manner of creepiness. Simon misunderstood it to be a slam on his girlfriend, and that just leads to a whole new level of awkwardness. Ryan swims desperately to the shore, trying to bring the show back around. I can only imagine the chatter on the production assistants' headphones wondering what the heck the talent is talking about. We used to do that a lot when I was a P.A. at ABC during the newscasts. Making fun of the anchors, particularly the shallow ones, made producing the shows almost bearable.

Seacrest does the man-on-the-street thing, and I'm going to cast my vote right now to eliminate this particular segment next year. Ryan found the most white-trash girl ever to sing Chris's praises by way of repeating everything she's ever heard about him from the Idol publicists word-for-word. Various other drunks and foreign persons are interviewed, and I doubt I'd want any of their support publicly.

We get to hear about Blake's mini-studio and mixing software. He plugs the mixing software he uses (wonder if 19 got paid for that) and then it's on to Jordin and her bad week. Phil's dad didn't let them listen to pop music. Uh-huh. LaKisha said she'd kiss Simon again. Yup. That baby of hers didn't come from the stork.

Ruben shows up and lets us know how we can continue to give back. I have actually really enjoyed his latest album quite a bit. Suddenly I find myself wishing for Season 2. Things were so much simpler then.

Melinda was hugely happy about being a huge part of such a huge show that hugely helped huge charities. Huge. Love ya Mel.

And it's time for a recap of the big fat Idol Gives Back show. Wow, that was one busy show. I'm sort of glad I didn't recap that one. Okay...the recap is running long...sort of done with it now... on with the show, please?

Time for this week's random guest performer. Because, you know, this show doesn't last long enough already. I just have a lot of difficulty taking Robin Thicke seriously, because he looks so much like his dad, Alan Thicke. I keep expecting him to stop singing in that ridiculous falsetto and start yelling at Kirk Cameron.

Fantasia is back, and she's helping promote the Idol Aid thing, which I thought was done, but I guess is still ongoing. That's cool. It's also cool to have a former Idol winner who doesn't mind showing up on the show every once in a while. I'm a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson, but I hate that it takes a huge charity bash to get her to show her face on the show.

Time for the Car-mercial. Oh yuck. The Idols doing "Paint it Black" like this is pretty much blasphemy. There's really no excuse for it.

Time for results. Melinda, Phil, and Lakisha join Ryan at center stage. Melinda, thought to be possibly in danger, is safe. My faith in America is restored. Phil and Lakisha are left, and I wonder if they might not both be going home. Guess not. Lakisha dodged another bullet. Phil is going home, and I think that's just a bit sad. He has had a wonderful past few weeks, but he'll be going home to the family. I'm not sure how best to explain it: Phil's chronic unpopularity, his early performances, Lakisha's voters rallying... whatever the case may be, there will be one less bald person on stage next week. I'm EVER so glad though that the exit song has been switched to Carrie's "I'll Stand By You" instead of the regular "Home" as performed by Daughtry.

I'm really really done with the American Idol "Challenge." You have to be "challenged" not to know the answers. Oh well, I guess that's to make it fair for the Fanjayas.

The back row gets to stand up, and Jordin immediately gets to sit down in repayment for her earlier stress-fest last week. Blake and Chris are left, and Chris will get to go home after Bon Jovi performs. Does ANYBODY suspect that it will be Blake? (Or could this be this year's "shocker" elimination?)

Bon Jovi will naturally be performing one of their newer sucky songs, because they've got an album and a tour to shill for. Good gracious, this song is slow and boring. Remember when you used to rock, Jon? Remember when you'd fly around the arena on a cable harness while wailing on "Living on a Prayer" or "Bad Medicine?" When did the rock and rollers of my teenage years turn into country/western and adult contemporary old farts? I think the band left their balls somewhere in a New Jersey cassette case on the dashboard and then let it sit in the sun. Yawn. Snore.

On to other commentary... do you suppose that since it is exclusively white males being eliminated that anybody will cry about racism? I mean, if it were oh, say, Fantasia, J-Hud, and LaToya, there might be articles written in major publications that can still be googled to this day. I've read more than one article on how racist Idol is during the past week, and looking at this final group of six, I can't think of anything more ridiculous than to say such a thing. I've actually picked up a few trolls (read: Lakisha fans) at my blog who have accused me of racism simply for not liking a particular contestant, despite the fact that I love Melinda and Jordin all to itty bitty pieces. You figure that out.

Dude, Taylor Hicks has lost some serious poundage!

Awww, Blake and Chris are totally BFFs. I think I might cry. Or hurl. For a while the show teeters on the brink of overt homosexuality, and then Ryan reels it all in, probably after years of practice. Chris, DUH, is finally gone. Thank you America for ending my season-long nightmare. And the hate ends here, as I support all Idols in their post-show career. So good luck, Chris. I wish you well. Just don't try the Justin Timberlake thing again.

All in all, I think I'll enjoy next week's show quite a bit more. Or not, now that I know that the Bee Gees will be a part of it. Twenty bucks says that there will be a group number next week involving the song "Stayin' Alive."

American Idol: Top 6 Perform....Again

2007-05-01T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well, what a week... Let me say, on a personal level, that I appreciate all the well-wishes and thoughts that have gone out for me and my family. My father is on the mend now, and is seemingly back to normal.

At this time, I want to send out sincere and heartfelt best wishes to Jessica Sierra. I know that the issues surrounding her right now have been the fodder for many a writer to poke fun at, and I've seen generally respectable news sources (ahem, Associated Press) pretty much mock her. The sad truth behind Jessica's situation is that this is the dark side of being a former Idol. It's darned hard to make it once the show is done with you and has spit you out, and unfortunately it looks like Jessica isn't making the best choices right now. I consider Jessica a friend, though, and I know her to be a talent to be reckoned with, and I hope that once she emerges from this fiasco and gets her life back together that she'll do everything that I know she can do. If she does, then watch out. She's a good hugger too. I wish I could give her one right now...

On a positive note, I met up with Lisa Tucker this past weekend. She knew me from phone interviews and emails, but we only just now caught up in person. Let me tell you...she's a sweetheart. Through and through, just a darling person. The way she works with kids, and the way she carries herself is quite regal and stylish. But she's completely approachable and friendly, and when she punches you in the arm, it stings a little bit. She let me know a little about her upcoming pilot for Fox called "Born in the USA." Keep an eye out for it on the fall line-up.

Alright...enough of that stuff...on with the recap...

Don't forget, tonight's voting determines which two (Lakisha and Chris) of these guys go home. Tonight's theme is the music of Bon Jovi, and I am way too curious to see which of these songs this lot will pick. There better at least be one song from Slippery When Wet, and it better not be "Wanted Dead or Alive," because Chris Daughtry owns that one. I would pay good money to hear Melinda sing "Living in Sin."

Ryan's trip to Ethiopia has spawned within him the desire never to shave again, and he comes in with a ten o'clock shadow. He looks so scruffy and wild that I would almost swear that I saw the ghost of Steve Irwin stalking him as he walked onstage. The judges are in, and Simon is sunburnt as all crap. Either that or the fires of Hell were just a bit too hot before he emerged from his dwelling place next door to Satan.

Time to meet Mr. Bongiovi as we look back throughout his legacy of rockin' songs and horrific hair. I'm beginning to feel really old as I contrast the old Bon Jovi with the newer, suckier Bon Jovi. Jon came from a day WAY before singers were supposed to look good, folks.

Phil Stacey is going to sing "Blaze of Glory," which is as close to country as he can get. Jon liked the way Phil sang the song, even though the video package only showcases the screechy parts. On to the live performance... Okay, somebody fire the guitarist. That was the most horrendous butchering of the opening of that song that I have ever heard, and I've heard plenty of bar-band guitarists attempt it. Phil, on the other hand, gets the award for most-improved-Idol EVER as he drops the bat off his shoulder, swings, follows through, and sends this one screaming into the stands. This is possibly the most I've ever enjoyed Phil. This is also the most alive Phil has ever looked, possibly in his whole lifetime. My only complaint...when is he gonna rock the cowboy hat? C'mon Phil, people are begging for it. Randy drops Jon Bon Jovi's name, since he recorded that song with JBJ, and he concurs that this was his best performance. For some reason Randy compares Phil's vocal with Steve Perry, which I totally don't get, but okay. It's probably just another way for Randy to embellish his name-dropping. We get it Rand...you performed with everybody who was anybody in the 80's. Paula calls it the best opening act of the whole season. (Phil's performance, not Randy's delusions of grandeur.) Simon is somewhat less impressed, called it inauthentic, and he thinks people will vote Phil off this week. Wow, Simon...different show we're watching? I get the feeling that this is a bit more personal than not for Simon. C'mon...even I can't make fun of Phil tonight, and I usually do.

Hey Gina! Dang, I've been missing you. She would've OWNED tonight.

Jordin Sparks' mom grew up on Bon Jovi, and WOW do I feel old. She picked the hardest Bon Jovi song to sing, "Livin' On a Prayer." This one happens to be one of my very favorite Bon Jovi songs. Bon Jovi comments that he couldn't sing half as good as Jordin when he was fifteen. Hate to break it to you, Jonny, but you can't NOW. Your vocals were never what sold the songs, bud. Without Richie Sambora on guitar, there wasn't much else left. Jordin does her best to rock out, but for some reason, I think the low notes are an issue again. If they'd notched up the key just a bit, she'd have been okay. However, once we're into the chorus, she wears it out. I like her look tonight. The guitarists up on stage are really detracting from her performance. I'd really love for some guys dressed in football uniforms to rush out from backstage and just tackle the onstage guitarists. I love how she hit the key change perfectly, though. She closes out the song well, and she's totally in the moment during much of the song. Randy acknowledges that this song was tough for her, and Jordin acknowledges that the verses were not great. Paula gives her props for going completely outside of her comfort zone. Jordin tells Simon to give it to her, and Simon preps the booers. Simon criticizes the look and tells her that the performance was terrible. I don't think it was that bad, given the song she chose to sing. Jordin's hair, in and of itself, is taller than Ryan.

And here's Lakisha Jones looking for all the world like a strawberry oreo. She jokes about how she's not sitting down because she wants the camera to catch her slim side, when the truth is that if she sat down, she's split her seams open so violently that everyone within a 30 mile radius would be injured. She's going to sing "This Ain't a Love Song," which is perhaps the sappiest Bon Jovi song ever, even more so than "Bed of Roses." As for the performance, would it have been too much to actually get Richie Sambora to play? Send this hack guitarist away, please. There's Lakisha, looking like she's actually gaining weight even as she sings. And while I"m as open-minded as anyone else, and not a tiny person myself, people of weight should wear things that are more flattering to their figure. This one doesn't flatter hers. This outfit takes her figure, sticks its head in the toilet and pulls its underwear up its crack. Oh Lakisha...There's that dead and unfeeling look in her eyes. There's the inappropriate hand motions. She's just performing the song, not feeling it, not interpreting it, not living it, etc. I'm done with her. She inexplicably looks like she wants to kick the crap out of someone at the end of the song, and I'm not real sure why she should be mad at any point during this song. Randy calls it pitchy at the beginning, but comments that the rest of the song "blew it out of the box." Paula compliments her on the money notes. Simon says he could kiss her after that. And that's three for three on Simon and I not seeing the same show. Lakisha does proceed to kiss him. Somebody swab Simon for the paternity test later. And while Lakisha might have nice lips, I'm sure better men have lost their lives trying to climb THOSE mountains.

Blake Lewis is going to sing "You Give Love a Bad Name." And apparently, Blake will be doing an adventurous rendition of the song, in violation of one of the cardinal rule of Idol performances: do not mess with a classic. Blake will be performing exactly 16 measures without singing. Jon doesn't think it will work. I am capital H Hating the new hair. So, this is how 311 would've done this song? I did miss the beat boxing a bit, but I would've liked it better on another song. I'm not saying it's unwelcome, it's just that I'm hopelessly prejudiced toward the original version. When he emulates the scratch wheels with his voice, it's rather unique and inventive. The chorus is screechy, pitchy, and not pleasant at all. Blake and the drummer square off, and I didn't really think that particular bit of beat-boxing was all that difficult. Sorry. The verbal acrobatics were unique, yes, but I don't think this song tips toward the side of "welcome change." Randy calls it the most original version of a song ever on Idol. He thinks it was hot. Paula thinks that Jon enjoyed it, even though he clearly didn't during the rehearsals. Simon's mom is in the audience, which directly conflicts with Paula's Season One assertion that Simon was breast-fed by his father. Simon says half the audience will hate it and half will love it. I think people will enjoy the fact that he did at least go out on his own, and I give him props for a MAJOR risk, even though I'd much rather have the song done the way it originally was. Proving Simon's point, my wife thought what Blake did with this song was awesome. (She was, like, one when the original version came out.)

Whatever it was that Chris just did on the way out to break ought never to be done again, and it possibly ought to be declared illegal.

I'm just going to admit it. I don't like Chris Richardson. Surprise. I like him even less when Ryan refers to him as Justin Timberlake, which I totally don't get, because he not only doesn't look like him, but doesn't even sound anything like him. Well, maybe if Justin were to get in a horrid accident, suffer brain damage, and move to a trailer park. I'm just not sure that looking like a special needs Justin T is the way for anybody to go. And there's yet another reason to hate him: he's doing Chris Daughtry's "Wanted Dead or Alive," and making a horse's behind out of himself in front of BON JOVI in rehearsals by not even bothering to remember the lyrics in front of someone who could really help him in his career later on. Chris, learn from Lakisha...do NOT perform a song that people remember another Idol for. Oh good gracious. The nasal hell that I am enduring right now. He totally blasts the first verse, especially the high notes, right straight through his sinuses, such that I fear he might permanently injure himself. You can see him literally straining them out, and it just hurts watching him. There's just no depth to his voice. He forgot the lyrics at one point during the chorus, quickly corrected, and managed to irritate everyone who knows the song with his shenanigans. This is nothing more than an average karaoke bar performance. All this leads me to believe that Idol should adopt the same policy as sports teams do. Sports teams retire jerseys. Idol should retire songs. When a contestant asks to sing one of them, they should be smacked in the hand, told that they are retarded, and be made to do forty push-ups. Randy thinks Chris delivered a good performance. Unfortunately, after tomorrow night, I figure Chris will be delivering pizzas as a means of making money. Paula blah blah blah repeat Randy. Simon doesn't think he was good enough to stay another week. I don't think it was good enough for him to stay another minute.

Melinda Doolittle is doing "Have a Nice Day," which is my least favorite Bon Jovi song ever. Jon instructs Melinda to take it to church, which is right in Melinda's wheelhouse. Melinda inexplicably performs the sign of the devil before going on, but I'm sure she doesn't know that. And I get to like this song now, because I like Melinda. Why is it that if I turn away and then look back, I almost expect to see Tina Turner onstage? Melinda's giving this song all the attitude that it needs, yet again living the song, making it her own, and being every bit the Melinda that I love. I don't need to write any more about it. RandyPaula loves it. Simon thought she was in a different league than anyone else tonight. Boom. Pow. Outta here! To borrow a word from Kelly Clarkson, "Score!"

President Bush and Mrs. President get onscreen and congratulate us for giving during the Idol Gives Back smoochfest. The President also thanks the celebrities, and throws in an "even Bono," as though he and the U2 front man are schoolyard rivals. 'There's a horribly scripted part in which we get the threat of the President crooning, and thankfully we are spared that and the Prez goes back to doing what he does best, which is running the Republican party directly into the ground and getting all of the people around him indicted.

Who goes home tomorrow? It's anybody's guess. As long as anybody guesses Lakisha and Chris.

By the way, anybody wanna meet their favorite reality TV stars? Check out the Reality TV Convention this June in Nashville. www.realitytvconvention.com. I'll see you there!

Missed Last Night...

2007-04-26T08:40:00.000-05:00

Sorry I wasn't able to provide you my insight on last night's "Idol Gives Back" special. Unfortunately, I was watching it in the ER where my dad was being treated for a heart attack. As you all know, when it comes to a choice between a TV show and family, it's a no-brainer. He's going to be alright, I think, since he got medical attention relatively quickly, but it was still quite a scare, and I'm sure it's going to change his life forever.

As for the show, there wasn't much that I could comment on anyway. It wasn't anything like a regular American Idol show, and quite frankly there wasn't much I could make fun of. And nobody went home, so we'll just do it all again next week.

Oh... but I would like to point this out. This was my quote from my recap of the Top 8 performing.

We're only two weeks away from "Idol Gives Back," and approximately every celebrity, dead or alive, will of course be appearing. I'm sure they'll digitally edit Elvis Presley in there somewhere. Actually, that would be kinda fun.

Am I good or what?

American Idol Season 6: Idol Gives Back

2007-04-24T18:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the concept was novel and exciting waaaaaaaaay the heck back in 1496 B.C. back when they first started plugging this whole "Idol Really Really REEEEEEEEALLY Gives Back" thing. However, for the past few weeks, it's almost become something I dread. For one thing, it's going to be long, what with the whole two night extravaganza thing. It's going to be packed. And it's going to be full of more cheese than the state of Wisconsin and Mickey Mouse's house.

I guess I might end up kicking myself for being so cynical about this whole thing, but for now this whole thing sort of reminds me of the expensive, extravagant celebrity galas that are supposed to be for the starving children of Africa, yet end up being something that's so ungodly self-indulgent that you sort of miss the point. Oh wait... No seriously, it's always nice when the stars throw themselves a huge (and coincidentally ratings-boosting) charity bash, so they can fulfill their annual quota of Caring (TM).

Still, I'll try to go into this with an open mind...

We open with Ryan Seacrest in the giant control room, which I believe is onboard the Death Star. If you look really carefully, some of those monitors are showing X-Wing fighters converging. I always knew Simon was a Sith Lord. Wouldn't you like to have a set-up like the A.I. control room in YOUR room though? You could watch all the channels on your satellite dish at once. ANYWAY, Ryan lets us know that today, every time we vote, we'll donate a dollar to the starving children of Africa or someplace with a premium on dirt and yuck. Is Ryan bulking up? That sport coat looks like it's about to pop open and fly straight off of him. News Corp is going to donate a pile of money for your calls. Ford, Coke, and AT&T continue their long-standing tradition of financial support of Idol. I know you're all shocked by that. Imagine, if you will, product placement on this show by...Coke! And Ford! Such unprecedented generosity. And tonight's mentor is none other than U2's Bono, who I am told does charitable work even in his sleep.

And now, here's a look into Simon and Ryan's honeymoon...err, African trip, set to one of those horrid 90's throwback songs that are supposed to evoke sadness but instead evoke nausea. These poor poor kids though. I can't speak ill of them, because truly their living conditions are beyond deplorable. Ryan doesn't show a whole lot of emotion, because his central processor is only programmed to emote one way. Simon, on the other hand, is emotional to the point of nearly bawling like a baby, which is a contrast that almost makes me uncomfortable enough to actually vote tonight. Seeing the hardened meanie almost cry is a bit unnerving.

Completely spoiling my mood, Chris Richardson picks Eric Clapton's "Change the World" as his inspirational favorite. See, there's one cardinal rule that I have. And that is YOU DO NOT murder a Clapton song. And that's exactly what he's doing with his stupid nasal thing and his complete failure to ape Justin freaking Timberlake. I really wish an asteroid would rocket toward earth, smash into the Idol studio, and land right on Chris's head, not killing him but removing his voice, thus stopping this unholy mockery and massacre of a song that I will now have to listen to again to regain my liking for it. Brandon Rogers likes Chris, but I do NOT. Randy thinks that Chris has for the first time shown he was in it to win it. I wonder if the judges will be more charitable tonight because of the theme. Paula says "See what Randy said, rinse, and repeat." Simon thinks he has potential tonight, calls the performance sexy, and then proceeds to say that grass is red and the earth revolves around the moon. Vote tonight, but not for this hoser.

Myspace has been helping out too, and if you don't get enough of this and need to live all this over again, you can go to www.myspace.com/idolgivesback Make sure you brush your teeth after. Well, I guess I was wrong about the kids here in America. They're getting some of the pie too. Randy is going back to New Orleans to help out the Hurricane Katrina. Idol is also going to the backwoods of Kentucky to donate teeth and education to the backwoods hillbillies. They're also going to some Indian reservation in Arizona and Ryan's old hood in the A.T.L. So we're helping everybody, I suppose. Personally, I would like my charity dollars to go to help out Justin Guarini.

Melinda Doolittle is going to perform a Faith Hill song, FINALLY, and I'm ready to hear her tickle my ears. I have to say, she looks smashing tonight. Not too glitzy, but very very attractive. She's feeling the song, interpreting it for us, and wearing it all over her face. I don't like the Faith Hill version of "There Will Come a Day" anymore, because this performance is like a billion times better. I don't even think we need to worry whether or not this chick wins the competition, because she is going to be prominent in the recording industry for quite some time to come. Melinda, I love ya. Randy says that she is "so dope." She is beyond their criticism by now. I suspect the mini-bar in Paula's room is completely bone dry. Simon calls it a vocal master-class and praises Melinda for not doing a copycat job.

After the break, Blake. Wouldn't you hate to be the people who got seats behind the chicks with that HUGE "The Blake Girls" sign? You'd miss the entire show.

Why haven't I seen Bono yet?

NewsCorp will be donating five million bucks if they reach their goals in call volume. Blah blah more about sponsors blah blah blah. And speaking of sponsors, Coke (gasp!) gets to ask Blake Lewis a stupid question like "what's the biggest sacrifice you made by coming on Idol aside from maintaining your street credibility?" He says something predictable about family. Blake will be singing John Lennon's "Imagine," which, and I know I will get beat down for saying this, I always thought was a completely over-rated song. Vocally, there's almost a three note range to this song. Blake handles it admirably, though. He sort of looks like he feels the song, but I wish to goodness that he'd quite dipping his head. He keeps cocking it back, then dropping it, leaning back, drooping, over and over again. I wonder if someone put a nakey pic of Haley Scarnato on the floor or something. Or maybe that's where the Idols have taken to scrawling their lyrics so that they can forget them. Randy didn't find it to be all that great of a performance. Good thought, Randy, because it bored me to death. Paula breaks away from Randy's judgment for once, calls Blake emotional and sensitive, and then leans away as Simon prepares to lambast him. Simon thinks it's a ballsy choice, thought it was sincere, but thought that it didn't really go anywhere. Not such a great night for the Blakester, but we'll see how well he does in the final count.

Still no Bono. Hrmmm.

If you hadn't heard (in case you're DEAF) you're watching "Idol Gives Back." And you can download videos from iTunes and Ford will give your money to someplace.

Ryan Seacrest goes to some place in Africa where apparently music by the Judds continuously plays in the background. It costs 50 cents a day to feed a child. Okay, if we can do that in Africa, why does it cost me five bucks a meal to eat? I think we Americans are getting screwed too. Honestly, though, I do hope those kids get their meals. Poor guys. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to endure that life. I say that with all sincerity.

I also say with all sincerity that Lakisha Jones needs to go, because this is twice that she has committed the cardinal sin of singing yet another Idol winner's song: "I Believe" by Fantasia. Unfortunately, Bono is nowhere to be found, so we can't tell if she followed his mentoring advice. My guess is probably no. Hmmm...trying to tell us something Lake Isha by singing these Idol winner songs? Is it sort of like when you told us last week that if God hadn't meant you to win, he wouldn't have let you come this far? Well, let me tell you...I'm not a huge fan of Fantasia, but I'd rather hear her fart this song than listen to this version you're doing. Guys, seriously, we have Melinda. What do we need this cocky chick for? To call this performance "pitchy" is to say that the Chicago Cubs haven't won the World Series in a few months. Ouch. Ouch. Any more of Lakisha and I'll be the one giving back... my lunch. Randy didn't think it was a great performance. Paula sugar-coats the fact that she hates the performance, and she blasts Lakisha for performing yet another Idol winner song. Big rule: DO NOT DO THAT. Even Paula starts to get a few boos from the idiot crowd, who apparently never criticize ANYONE EVER. Simon prefers the Fantasia version, and he rightly points out that Paula does too. Paula refuses to admit it, but it's obvious from her stuttering and failure to outright deny it that that's the case. Simon calls Lakisha out for her shouting AGAIN and the idiotic sycophantic crowd boos and fails to let Simon finish his actual constructive criticism. Lakisha gives the judges her best "b***h please" look and thankfully we're going to a commercial and getting this manatee off our screens.

Heaven forfend that any actual thoughtful question should be asked of these contestants on the air. Phil Stacey has to answer what he misses about home. Duh, his kids. But not enough to actually be there. Go figure. He's going to sing "The Change" as sung by Garth Brooks. Methinks Phil has taken to heart the rumblings that he might be good at the country music bit. At first, I expect Garth's voice to come out. It doesn't, but then I realize that it's Uncle Fester and Lurch's illegitimate child up there singing, and I sort of adjust my expectations. To be honest, it's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but then again this song isn't the best ever. I'm sort of getting a butt full of the sappy songs right now, because there's so much saccharin and sweet and not enough zip, bam and pow. This Phil performance isn't anywhere near what his performance on country night was like, but I have to grudgingly admit that it's not that bad. Randy refers back to the country thing and congratulates him on a great performance. Paula calls it his best. The happy juice is flowing tonight. Simon likes it, and Phil's wife has her perma-smile on. Simon thinks people like Phil, which is probably why he's been in the bottom three almost every week this year. He's growing on me, like a tumor, but I'm not sure I'm quite there yet.

One more performance left before we can stop being touchy feely for the next 24 hours. ConAgra Foods is going to show us a video about a food pantry service. I've participated in these before, and they're quite a good work. It's also a fabulous experience to volunteer with one of these centers. I'm not surprised that Simon wasn't aware of these things, but I appreciate the fact that he's not above visiting them. I've gained a lot of respect for him.

Jordin Sparks is going to sing "You'll Never Walk Alone." I'm actually glad she's singing something slow and soulful tonight. I've had a bit much of the peppy teenage Jordin the last few weeks. I like Jordin, but I thought she had some issues with the lower notes in the song, and she lost control of her vibrato in the opening verse. However, once she hit her stride, she took this song and knocked it completely out of the park. I sort of think she's fighting back tears just a bit, and I wonder if that's not making it just a bit hard for her to sing. She finishes out the sing in style, and I loved it. Randy calls it the best vocal ever, to say nothing of the hottest song of the night. Jordin lets those tears through. Paula echoes the sentiment. Simon thought Jordin was fantastic and that she'd have a hit record with it. I have to agree. She looks really pretty tonight, too.

Ryan says that the call we make to vote could be the most important call we ever make. Nothing like extreme hyperbole to fire up the voting crowd.

Oh crap. I had to be reminded of Chris Richardson in the recap. I wish I could go back in time and give his car a flat tire so that he couldn't have made it to auditions. I know this sounds SO mean, but I'm so done with him. Oh, and La-Diva too.

Bottom three predictions: Clearly Melinda, Jordin and Phil were the best of the night. It's almost certain in my mind that Chris and Lakisha will be in the bottom, and I'm sort of thinking Blake might be in danger too. It's Blake or Phil. Go figure. It's gotta be half of them.

See ya tonight for one of the biggest shocks we've ever had on American Idol...Ryan is gay. No, wait...

American Idol Season 6: Top 7 Results

2007-04-18T20:41:00.000-05:00

As if there weren't enough hurt feelings going around, it seems that the nation has been unable to sit still as they watch repeats of The Video. No, not the video of the VT gun kid. The Video of Simon Cowell apparently rolling his eyes after Chris's comments about Virginia Tech. Some are mad at Chris, because they assume, as did I, that he used it to garner pity votes.

Okay, look. Here's the deal. None of us can know the hearts of these men. And quite frankly, we all need to quit being a country full of panty-waisted ninnies running around looking for stuff to be offended at. Whether they meant it or not, you'll never know. So move on.

The seven are lined up, preparing for judgment. And THIS...not that, and not the other, and certainly not that other thing...is American Idol. Randy Jackson has on what is perhaps the coolest hat I have ever seen. Skull and crossbones...quite stylish, I think.

For the first time ever, the show is taking time to publicly address speculation in the press about the show, and in particular the deal with Simon, Chris, and the eye roll. Simon explains he was talking to Paula when he rolled his eyes and wasn't paying attention to the cameras. Bucky Covington and I both believe that Simon is actually a softie inside, and I personally don't believe he would say something like that intentionally. If nothing else, he's been in this business long enough to know better. It was an accident, and it's obvious from Simon's somewhat shaken and penitent affect that he didn't mean it and that he's more than slightly embarrassed by it. The video proves conclusively that he didn't mean it that way, and you Chris fans can stop flapping your bleeding gums now. I'm sure that some of the conspiracy idiots out there still won't buy it, but who cares about them anyway.

If you want a recap of the recap, read last night's post.

Time for Seacrest's man on the street interviews. Apparently these people just came straight from The Tonight Show's "Jaywalking" segment. They seem like they've got all the intelligence of celery, and someone really needs to give that one guy a bath. Good grief, was Seacrest standing in the line outside the welfare office? Sheesh! What scares me even more than their lame answers is that we allow people as dumb as these to vote for something like President of the United States. That's the kind of thing that keeps me up at nights.

The kids will be group-singing "I'm Alright." Chris took Unshaven Guy's advice and squints so hard at the camera that the lens cracks. Blake sings it, but you can tell even he doesn't really buy it. Phil, Lakisha and Sanjaya are just sort of there. Melinda and Jordin take it seriously, as they do everything in this competition, which is why they are the Top Two, or will be. The rest of them manage to suck all the life out of this song. Again, it's the Kidz Bop version. I really wish I liked more than two of these guys. Aside from Melinda, and possibly Jordin, this is quite frankly the worst season of Idol that I remember. I used to think Season 3 had that distinction, but it seems like a banner year compared to this stinkfest year.

Christina Keaton won because she won the A.I. challenge, and now it's time for this week's absurdly simple question. Who is considered this year's "rocker"? (Hint: Gina) We won't go into the endless arguments we could have over whether a legitimate "rocker" would ever be on this show, but that's for another day.

Melinda listens to Fred Hammond and Kirk Franklin. Gospel all the way. With demon spawn like Sanjaya around, she better keep her religion up.

Speaking of, Sanjaya illegally downloads country and blues, and then completely fails to emulate them.

Blake listens to Incubus. Live. Because he's cooler than everybody else, possibly even the rest of the universe.

Jordin listens to Fergie. This will come in to play later, I assume.

Chris listens to Maroon 5 and Jason Mraz. Insert stupid Chris joke about Peter Noone. Comedy is not in this guy's future.

Phil listens to Willie Nelson. Good choice, Phil. Wonder what else about Willie he likes? (Hint: Uh-oh, that wasn't a Marlboro...)

Lakisha listens to Yolanda Adams. Mmmkay.

Back outside the dressing room, Seacrest introduces Fergie, formerly of the Black Eyed Peas, and currently of the group of artists who release songs dealing with major issues like "my lovely lady lumps" and things that are fergalicious. This is deep material here folks. I wonder what the other two girls in Wild Orchid are doing now? Do you think Fergie and Jennifer Love Hewitt ever get together and reminisce over the good old days in Kids Incorporated? Probably not. Fergie is too busy recording earth-shattering songs with Gwen Stefani about how her humps are bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s). What's with this random performance anyway? Is it just to fill time? Could Fergie not make it till next week when Idol Really Really Gives a Crap and Cares Until They're Blue In The Face? Or was she turned down from that lineup?

Ah yes, the Ford Commercial disguised as a music video that we can oh so conveniently download, so as to be advertised to as many times as our little hearts desire. They're murdering "I Ran (So Far Away)" as done by A Flock of Seagulls. I know at least one blogger who is going to be completely repulsed by this. Well, aside from me...

Next week, Idol Cares So Much It Hurts (tm) and Myspace has - gasp! - created a special profile for it! I'm SHOCKED. And in case you didn't already have a butt full of this love-fest that Idol is having with itself, we get to hear more about it, see more about it, and find out which artists will be falling all over themselves to Care (tm). Good to see that Carrie and Kelly will be back though. Teri Hatcher will be there. Oh the jokes I will have at Seacrest's expense!

Time to split the herd. I hate the stupid suspense portions, so I'll cut to the chase here. Sanjaya, Lakisha, and Blake are in one group, while Jordin, Phil, and Chris are in the other. Seacrest does what he does every year by asking the one remaining star who is obviously safe to pick which group they should be in. Usually this person will just sort of stand in the middle, a la Bo Bice, even though Taylor Hicks didn't do it last year, and Melinda will be equally non-commital as she squats stylishly to the floor. As it turns out, in this not-so-predictable balance, that Chris, Jordin, and Phil are safe. Thusly, Sanjaya, Lakisha and Blake will have to wait to see who gets kicked out of the apartments after the big group send-off dinner tonight. Randy is all "what?" at Blake being there. Paula also feels the same, because she is surgically attaching herself to Randy's opinion this season. Simon is smiling like a cat who just ate the canary, because he is savoring the delicious possibility that Sanjaya is going home.

The bottom three sit, awaiting their fate. Well, Blake is awaiting a return to his seat, but the other two are facing certain doom. Sanjaya has a look on his face that sort of says "yeah, I knew I couldn't pull it off forever." Lakisha has a look on her face that sort of says "ooooooh shiny..."

But before we do that, we have to go and let Fox shill for the new Shrek movie. Not even TiVo can skip past all the commercials that are embedded within this juggernaut of a show. With all the product placement, it sort of feels like I'm watching Rachael Leigh Cook in Josie and the Pussycats over and over again. I'm sure this Shrek thing is a great experience for the Idols, but for us, watching them watching other things is slightly more boring than watching my socks unravel. The Idols attempt to do voice work, then get surprised by Antonio Banderas, who comes in and strokes their ego right before they become the first audience ever to see the movie, though that will seem slightly less cool next year when the movie is playing three times a week on TBS.

Antonio, Melanie Griffith, their kids, Melanie's lips, and Dreamworks Guru Guy Katzenberg are taking up the first row.

Now on to Martina McBride, and anyone who follows her this season as a guest mentor will forevermore seem unworthy. She's performing her new song, "Anyway," which I love. If I ever had a voice like a girl, I would hope it would be her voice. Melinda totally gets Martina's song, and she's standing over with the others, lost in the vibe, unaware of anything else but the song. Chris is sort of standing there, looking for all the world like he's thinking "boy that gal has a purty mouth." Martina's daughter Emma comes onstage with her and succeeds at being cuter than anybody, ever, all combined. Quite frankly, I would be overjoyed if 19 Entertainment fired Seacrest and hired Emma McBride to host the show. If she doesn't have a show, she should get one. Martina just stole Ryan's thunder, sent us out to break, and I think I may just buy her new album based solely on that.

Time for the elimination... one person's pain will be assuaged. Without a doubt, even in the infinitesimal mind of Seacrest, Blake is safe. So who goes home? Annoying Teenybopper or Baby Mamma? It looks like Lakisha's baby girl will be getting...

...to stay with her grandparents. Justice is finally served, and Sanjaya will be joining Shyamali. Oh you thought he cried when his sister got cut? Wait for the waterworks that are about to happen now. There's a montage of all the celebrity mentors singing his praises, poor pitiful crying Ashley who will be in therapy for years to come over the embarrassment of this season, and moment upon moment of auditory agony as Sanjaya assaults our ears with his own brand of Suck. No more Sanjaya to kick around. 99.9 percent of the country will be rejoicing. The one percent that are Fanjayas (UGH) will be crying into their Strawberry Shortcake lunchboxes as they head back to study hall where they will trade N'Sync stickers with their friends and discuss the deep-rooted philosophies and beliefs held by Lindsey Lohan.

Sanjaya, ever the jokester, gives us something to talk about "other than hair" and we graciously get to see him cut off.

See ya!

American Idol Season 6: Top 7 Perform

2007-04-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

What a week it has been! The Imus Debacle, the unthinkable tragedy at Virginia Tech... a lot of unfunny things have happened this week. And with these hard times has come a hard question... is it the right time to be funny? Is it the right time to enjoy something as light and meaningless as a cheesy televised talent show?

I say yes. We have to be funny, or the deranged Asian kid will have won. Not to be disrespectful, but in a world as dark as the one in which we live, you either have to laugh or let it consume you.

With that in mind, on with this goofy show...

Ryan Seacrest opens the show respectfully enough, acknowledging again that this has been a really crap week as far as tragedies go. God bless all of you people who were a part of that mess in Virginia; I have no idea how much pain you guys must be going through. A touch of class, Seacrest. I can't knock you for that.

I do miss the Seacrest T-shirts though. He's been dressed like he was getting married to Teri Hatcher this whole season. The judges settle in for Country Music Night. Simon chews a wheat stalk, Randy takes off his shoes, and Paula hits the corn liquor jug.

Meet the guest mentor, whom I will have NOTHING negative to say about tonight, because I love me some Martina McBride. I'm not even a country fan, but I love her work. She attempts to coach this rabble into actually meaning what they sing. Melinda actually is the only one of them that understands this, but the rest sort of nod and say uh-huh and go on pretending that they'll actually do it. Sanjaya's smile actually causes his entire head to split wide open.

Phil Stacey is going to sing Keith Urban's "Where the Black Top Ends." Martina thinks he sounds stiff and measured, and she notes what he's been doing all season which is being stiff and then throwing in about five seconds of soul at the end, which has kept him at the top end of the bottom three incessantly. During his vocal workout, he wrenches some unholy notes from somewhere down in his lower intestine, and I can only think that this might just be smoke and mirrors from the producer to give us a contrast with an actual good performance tonight. Well, he apparently took Martina's advice, and I'm not hating this performance. From the neck up, he looks like Uncle Fester, but I can buy this performance, even if he is a little self-indulgent by working the crowd. He looks a lot less wormy in this outfit. His vocal tone is right, his expressions are good, and he's working the song out perfectly. Without a doubt, this is his best performance yet. I'm pleasantly surprised. Randy thinks that Phil will have a career in country music. Out of nowhere, A&R reps from Lyric Street Records appear behind him, wearing Bucky Covington and Josh Gracin t-shirts, and snapping candid shots of Phil. Paula enjoyed it too. Tonight, Paula will officially have no other opinion, save for what she gleans from the last five seconds of Randy's comments. Simon compliments him on song choice, style choice and personality. Fans of Phil, don't get too comfortable. Vote if you want him to have another week. Simon hit the nail on the head when he said he didn't know if the best performance ever was enough to save him.

Jordin Sparks is going to sing Martina's "Broken Wing," and she sings it rather well in front of Martina, who - like the rest of the civilized universe - completely loves Jordin. Martina tells her to plant her feet, belt it out, and wow the crowd. What do you want to bet that Jordin does just that? The guy on the steel guitar is too busy reading his sheet music to actually pick the song right or on time, so hopefully Jordin won't get thrown off too much. Jordin looks resplendent tonight. The song starts off slowly...perhaps a little too slowly for my taste, but that's just one person's opinion. That's the song, though, and not Jordin's fault. I thought that Jordin might do yet another fun, upbeat number to keep her in our hearts (and speed-dials) but she chose correctly with this song. This was an admirable performance. Randy feels that she pulled it off well and calls it "da bomb." Paula likes her look and performance. For some reason, Paula looks like Eartha Kitt playing Catwoman tonight. Not the 1966 Eartha Kitt either. Simon thinks Jordin could win the whole shooting match based on that one performance alone. Ryan talks about Jordin's age, basically because he's upset that someone half his age is twice his size. I'd be happy with a Jordin win, wouldn't you?

Sanjaya Malakar must've thought it was Alternate Universe Night, because that's what he came dressed for. He takes a dig at the Cowell, wishing that he would sing R.E.M.'s godless "Shiny Happy People." And while that would be fun and appropriately ironic, the only persons that REALLY laughed at that joke were Sanjaya, Ryan because he was told to, and Nigel when he wrote it, but that's only because Nigel was also on the way to the bank to put a down payment on his fiftieth yacht with the money he made in the past thirty minutes. Martina wants Sanjaya to be more confident, and she thinks that if he projects more that people will like him more. That plus having a complete body transplant. And psychotherapy. Brain-washing, perhaps. He certainly tries to do Bonnie Raitt justice...as much as a thin-voiced teenager can do a raspy three-pack-a-day voice like Bonnie's justice. As it turns out, Sunny's performance is about as much injustice one could do without immediately being assessed the death penalty. This is just not right. It's possibly even a violation of one or more of the Geneva conventions. I find this to be very much a karaoke performance, even though I despise that criticism when it comes from one of the judges. There just aren't words that can tell you how much I hate this. I could hear this calibre of performance in any given bar on a Friday night. For one thing, the key is too low, and Sanjaya is just not a low-note performer. His voice drags, not quite able to hit the depth and richness that he needs, and the end becomes screechy because of that. Randy calls it karaoke, which completely validates my opinion, both of the performance and of Randy as a judge. "What are we doing up here?" he asks. Keeping ratings alive, I assume. Paula comments on Sanjaya's "adversity," and calls him loveable, which in no way makes any sort of remark about his musical performance. Simon calls it utterly horrendous, and Ryan comes storming onto the stage scolding Simon as though he had just soiled the carpet. Simon correctly points out that we're SUPPOSED to be finding the American Idol. Ryan hits Simon on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, and the judges get into a big huge hissy fit, and the other two don't exactly back up Ryan with as much fervor as you'd expect them to, because they both know that Simon is right.

Lakisha Jones is going to sing Carrie's "Jesus Take the Wheel." Martina should know how to coach this song, because the writer of this song also wrote several of Martina's hits. I went to high school with the lady who wrote this song. We wrote one together once upon a time, so I should have some insight too. Lakisha does sort of a R&B twist on it, but it's flat. Sorry, there's not room for that on a Hillary Lindsey song. Not even close. And, as my wife reminds me, it is always a horrible idea to do a song that has been made famous by a previous Idol. In fact, it's almost always a death knell. There's that vacant look in Lakisha's eyes, and oh mercy, that chorus is so out of key it's not even funny. Lakisha needs to stop screaming at us, listen to the band, and get in tune. Awful! Just awful. I think the emotion here in her face is just wholly inappropriate for this song too. Not a good performance AT ALL. Randy tries to lower the boom, but the fans are overpowering it. Randy says it had pitch problems, which is like saying the Titanic had a leak. He didn't think she treated the song properly. Paula doesn't want to agree, but she has to, because she has ears and as a human had no choice but to know it was completely off pitch. She shouted the song, and perhaps bellowed her way into the bottom three this week. Simon thinks that Lakisha and that song aren't a good match. Lakisha looks at them as though she sort of wants to cuss them out, and then Seacrest ushers her off the stage so that...

Chris Richardson can shower Martina with snot while trying to sing "Mayberry" completely through his sinuses. Oddly enough, "Mayberry" is also where the jail Chris was paroled from must've been. He sucks. Just flat sucks. Sucks worse than Lakisha. Sucks worse than Sanjaya. His vocal tone makes Kellie Pickler last year sound like Aretha Franklin. I get a deeper, richer tone from scraping my fingernails down a graphite board. With all the missed notes, off-key lines, and butchered breathing, I can't even remember what he was singing. Randy didn't find him to be emotionally connected to the song, mentions the nasal quality and the pitch problems. Paula understands what Randy is saying, because actually Paula doesn't speak anymore, she just moves her mouth and lets Randy throw his voice. Simon calls it "nondescript," "nasally tinny" and "insignificant." Dang. He stopped just short of pulling out a pistol and shooting Chris dead on the stage. Ryan addresses the crowd again, and Chris--unbelievable!--claims to have intended to sing nasally, which is very much a reason to fail to vote for him. I really hope that he meant it as a joke. Unfortunately, if he did, it completely fell flat. And if he was serious, then God help him, because no one else can. Chris is also a back-talker, sassing someone who has had years more experience than he in the recording industry, which is another reason to not vote for him. But if you want a definitive reason to NOT vote for Chris, this is it: he just used the fact that he has friends in Virginia, and correlated it with the tragedy at Virginia Tech, in order to try to garner the pity vote. You, sir, are despicable, and you deserve to go home tonight.

Melinda Doolittle looks nice tonight, and she gets all cute on us while answering whatever that question was about psycho fans. Melinda rocks. And she's from the same area that Martina is from. She blew Martina away, the same way she's been slaying us all this year. Lakisha should be just off-stage taking notes, because THIS is how it's done. Again, Melinda interprets the song for us, and she shows us how versatile she is. Soul sistah can sing some country, y'all! So many times while she's performing, I find myself stopping typing and just listening and enjoying myself. Great song choice, great performance, impeccable vocal, and how could you not like this girl? How? Randy calls it a solid performance by their "resident pro." Paula parrots Randy. Again. Do we still need her at this stage of the competition? Simon calls it fantastic, and Melinda fulfills his request to not look surprised. She smiles and takes it graciously. Simon compares her to Tina Turner, and come to think of it, I would like to hear her take on "Proud Mary."

Blake Lewis is going to do Tim McGraw's "When the Stars Go Blue," and Martina was JUST talking to Tim, probably at one of those parties where country stars talk to each other about stuff like that, and he wanted someone to do the song. (I can't say too much about those parties. I get invited to them from time to time.) Unfortunately, 311 has not as yet done a cover of this song, so Blake is going to have to do his own interpretation of the song. This is not a horrid performance, but it's also not a really great one either. There are points in the song where Blake's voice runs thin and flat, and then there are places where he sounds really silky and nice. Fortunately there's more of the latter, but overall, I'm not terribly impressed by this song. Obviously, Blake isn't meant to be a country star, and I'm sure he'll sail through, given the fact that several others have really blown it tonight. Randy thinks he picked the right song and liked the performance. Paula liked what Randy said too, and so she chooses to adopt it as though it were her own judgment. Simon thought it was average. Somehow Simon segues into well-wishing the people in Virginia Tech, forgetting that Chris was the one that mentioned it, but yet being as heart-felt as his cold, soulless shell will allow him to be. (I hear Simon's actually a nice guy in real life. Go figure.)

Now for the recap, and my final thoughts. Who will go home tonight? Who knows? (I do. Chris.) Bottom three: Chris, Lakisha, and Phil. I still don't think Sanjaya will go home or be in danger of it yet. Go figure. Nobody really likes Phil.

See ya tomorrow to find out!

Don Imus and Free Speech

2007-04-12T19:29:00.000-05:00

The whole world has been watching, it seems, as one of New York's most iconic broadcasters ended his career in the space of two seconds with the words "nappy headed ho." None have watched the events unfold with a more keen eye than those of us who are broadcasters ourselves, for these happenings hold more import to us than just a fleeting moment or a hurt feeling. No, for those of us in the communication industry, these proceedings not only impact the news, they also impact how much we might be able to communicate in the future.

Now, let me be perfectly clear here. What Imus said was uncalled for, boneheaded, and indicative of his usual blowhardedness. I don't agree with what he said. I don't agree with what a lot of people say.

On the other hand, consider this: Don Imus says three words about African-American women and loses his job. D.L. Hughley and Dave Chappelle go on hour-long racist rants about white people and they... get sitcom deals. Am I the only one that sees an inequity there? My wife and I watched The Original Kings of Comedy last night, which is over an hour and a half of racial humor, particularly against white people. The result: we laughed our heads off. Had we been in the Sharpton camp, I suppose our reactions would have been different.

However, racial issues aren't really the point of concern for me here. I've never had a racist bone in my body, and I think assigning value to one person over another based on something as idiotic as the amount of melanin in one's skin is beyond retarded. The point of concern here is this: what does Freedom of Speech cover?

I won't go into Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson any more than I already have. I think people of all races know that Martin Luther King Jr. would've been ashamed at the way that these men constantly seek out ways to jump in front of the camera and create racial tension where there was none for their own profit and power. I doubt that he would've marched with them. They're just sideshows on the bigger midway in this circus.

Unfortunately, I think we're setting a dangerous precedent here. And while I agree that what Imus said was messed up, I don't believe it's a good idea to jump up and censor someone who says something that makes us uncomfortable. We can't preach tolerance for others when we are intolerant of the views of others. Whether it's Don Imus calling people nappy-headed, Howard Stern talking about rimjobs, Rush Limbaugh downing pills and Democrats, Chris Rock talking about "niggas versus black people," a gay pride speech, a religious discussion, or whatever the case may be, we have to realize that no one is going to agree on everything and that every opinion, however valid, must be allowed to be expressed. The problem with creating rules about what can and cannot be uttered in public is that there is no way of controlling who the author of this rule-book will be from generation to generation. While the author of such a Speech Code may be benevolent in the present time, it takes but one change of government before political speech becomes sedition, religious speech becomes hate talk, hoses get turned on Black Panther gatherings, being a homophobe can get you jailed or any number of possibilities.

We all stand to lose here. Black, white, gay, straight, conservative, liberal... We've now set the precedent for people who consider our ideas offensive to take away our ability to say them. We've established that there are thoughts that are verboten, and we've given those who govern us the keys to add to that list. In the name of harmony, we've silently agreed that the days of a free and uninhibited press are numbered.

Folks, the ugly part of free speech is that we're not the only ones who are entitled to it. In order for us to continue to speak our good thoughts freely, those whose ideas we consider to be evil must also be allowed the same. The fortunate part is that we, with our good thoughts, are also perfectly free to flip the switch on our TV or radios if we don't wish to hear it.

Yet we consistently allow the freedoms to slip. We don't lose our freedoms all at once. Like the frog that is slowly boiled to death, we lose our freedom one right at a time, often without noticing it. There's the Janet Jackson Nipplegate that causes the FCC to "tighten up." There's the 9/11 tragedy that gives our government the chance to enact laws to spy on us. The new restrictions all seem perfectly reasonable at the time. But as has been the case with the 9/11 spying, we often find that what sounded good at first turned out to be a really really horribly bad idea. The same will happen as our inability to speak freely erodes.

So yes, I hate what Imus said. Imus, you're an idiot. Thanks a pantload for screwing your fellow broadcasters.

There. I just did what everyone who disagrees with anyone should do. Not eliminate another's free speech... Just speak up yourself, use your freedom, and tell them they're a jerk and move on with it. If you don't like it...don't read it.

American Idol 6: Top 8 Results

2007-04-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

No recap tonight, folks. I'm just not feeling up to it. I hurt my back at work today, and I just can't sit in front of this computer for very long.

Suffice it to say that I'm happy that Americans picked talent over nudity tonight and sent Haley home. I hope she has lots of luck in finding a career in which she can keep some modicum of dignity. (Haley, please, no matter what you do, when Playboy comes calling, don't do it.)

I'll be writing some more stuff as the week goes on, so don't forget to drop by.

American Idol Night 6: Top 8 Perform

2007-04-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

It's time once again for that Tuesday night institution (a mental institution, some would say) that we so affectionately call "The Show That Comes On Before House." Okay, some of us call it American Idol, too, but either way, Fox is getting to advertise to us for an hour or two or three or however long we sit mesmerized before we regain enough IQ to remember how the remote works.

Tonight, we will continue the tradition of learning from the experience of others. We all know that the Idols need musical guidance from an artist who is well-traveled, an artist who knows the ropes of the industry, an artist whose butt is roughly the size of Ohio and which roughly resembles the shape of the word "OhiO" as well. Seriously...Jennifer Lopez? If Jennifer Lopez is a Master's Class, then I should be able to obtain a doctorate from listening to Aretha Franklin.

P.S.: If you want to know the kind of bull crap that Jennifer Lopez has in her contract for dressing room requirements, check out my post here

Again, I appreciate Idol FINALLY trying to make itself contemporary, but why pick the shallowest pop divas to model our young muddle-headed hopefuls after? Oh THAT'S riiiiiiight... they have something to promote. Ah, crass commercialism. What would this country be without it? Well, whatever Miss Lopez is selling, it matters not, because nary a penny of this writer's hard earned skrilla is gonna be spent in its direction. However, it should be fun writing around her tonight, especially since I have a moral objection to calling her "J-Lo."

Viva la show!

We come in backstage for the beginning of "Latin Night," and no we do not mean E Pluribus Unum or Carpe Diem. Though it wouldn't help if somebody might Carpe Sanjaya (literally "Seize the Sanjaya") and e pluribus his unum (literally "vote him off.") Time to meet Ricky Minor and the judges three. Seacrest instructs us that this will be, in fact, a spectacular show, and that we will like it or else Brian Dunkleman will pin us to the floor, sit on us, and force us to listen to his full comic routine. Then, he introduces Selena-lite. They go through all of Jennifer "Play My Motherf***ing Song" Lopez's albums, all of which I hate slightly more than genocide. Thankfully they do pay tribute to the movie Selena, which was probably the only thing that Jennifer does that I will even waste my time with. I would've much preferred Shakira for tonight, but what do I know.

The kids, on the other hand, sit around with big goofy smiles on their faces, as though they're about to receive large cones of ice cream and a million dollar check, as Miss Lopez takes them to school on Latin music while babbling on about little to nothing. I couldn't make sense of it. Perhaps it was in Spanish. (Again, not Latin, as the night's theme might suggest.)

Melinda Doolittle is excited to try out Latin music which should be easy enough for her. She's good with that swing and salsa vibe. She freely admits that she is not sexy, even though she's gonna try to be. I don't know ladies and gentlemen, but that black dress is probably as good as she's ever looked. Nice touch on the necklace to minimize that "no neck" problem she's been having. I think that she looks quite fetching tonight. "Sway" is a nice change of pace for her, and she's flawless as usual. I'm not excited by the song, if I'm being honest, but her voice is still beautiful enough to tickle my ears. Toward the end, I find myself starting to get into it. I'd bet all the money in my front pocket (five dollars) that Jennifer Lopez didn't sing the song this well. Melinda, once again, is shocked to the point of catatonia by the fact that people heart her mightily. Randy thinks it was solid, not her best, but he's turned on by Melinda so he gives her props. Paula liked the subtle, sexy quality of it. Simon didn't like it. He babbles something about "personality," as though Melinda hasn't interpreted every single lyric properly this whole entire competition. I agree with him that it wasn't her best, but it wasn't nearly as horrid as he purported it to be. Time to take a sip of some of Paula's happy juice, Simone. Ryan, in the creepiest moment in all of television history, including all of Richard Nixon's speeches, tells Melinda, "thank you, sexy." I feel like I should shower now.

Up next, LaKisha Jones is in the pimp chat spot, and she'll answer B-ham's own Stephanie. The producers pitch one right at her and let her go on and on about how she wants to create a better life for her daughter (while simultaneously running off and leaving her for months at a time while chasing her Hollywood dream. But that's another argument for another time.) Jennifer Lopez and LaKisha prep themselves for the most godless version of Conga I've ever heard. If Gloria Estefan had died in that bus accident, she'd be spinning in her grave right now. I wonder if she might be involuntarily twirling in her chair even now. This is horribly off-key, and wow Lakisha is so anti-sexy that I find myself looking away. I'm afraid that that cleavage might burst through my TV screen, blacken both my eyes, and keep me from writing how much I hate this. Randy thinks it was fun, fails to mention how off-key it was, and calls it "hot," mainly because he's having flashbacks to when his mommy nursed him and the producers really REALLY want to keep this girl. Paula didn't like it any whatsoever, because she's had it with this chick who refuses to take the mentors' advice. Paula calls it safe, which is a weird criticism, but probably valid. Simon doesn't think anyone outside of Lakisha's own cell structure actually enjoyed that. I know I didn't. Simon complimented the dancing, and once the stagehands are able to repair all the scenery that was destroyed by the swaying of that mass, I'm sure everything will return to normal.

We're only two weeks away from "Idol Gives Back," and approximately every celebrity, dead or alive, will of course be appearing. I'm sure they'll digitally edit Elvis Presley in there somewhere. Actually, that would be kinda fun.

Chris Richardson is so white that he's almost clear. Nowhere is that more obvious than when he tries to sing a latin-style song. I feel embarrassed for him. It's like Toby Keith with a mouthful of helium and a clothespin on his nose trying to sing "Living La Vida Loca." Chris is doing the most hideous WASPy version of a Santana song that has ever been done. This is kind of cheating, isn't it? Carlos Santana is latino, but he only played the guitar in this song. It's not really Rob Thomas night is it? Talk about playing it safe! Apparently it's "Close Your Throat and Let Your Nose Do All The Singing" night for Mr. Richardson. This is a wretched wreck of the song, and I'd rather turn off the TV and listen to the real thing. Somebody tell Chris to wake up, because his eyes have involuntarily slammed shut again. What an awful, ridiculous performance. Randy thought it was very very cool. Paula thought it was hot. Why does everybody think he's so sexy? I have been wondering this for weeks now. I mean, the kid looks nothing like Justin Timberlake, who he's been compared to ad nauseum for whatever unknown reason. He looks sort of like someone who just got paroled. Simon liked it because it felt more contemporary. Uh, hello? The song itself is more contemporary. The others are like twenty years old. I'm getting a butt full of Simon's asinine comments tonight. I hope asininity isn't contagious. I also hope asininity is a word.

RoboLegs is on deck. Haley Scarnato is going to sing "Turn the Beat Around." I forget who sang this originally, but I remember Gloria Estefan doing it, and here she goes, spinning in her easy chair again. They're doing the 90's version of it. And here comes the legs. Gosh, I hope she bikini waxed. I'm afraid she'd probably get thrown out of a Hooters for being too indecently dressed. She sure does have a long stride. I'm not saying she has long legs, but her razors have odometers on them. She sounds bland, boring, and no fun at all. This song is completely out of her range. She keeps forgetting where she is supposed to come in, and with those 9 inch heels she has a lot of trouble navigating the stairs. The song is just a bit high for her and her voice cracks a lot. Plus she has all the soul of Pat Boone. Randy found it to be little better than a karaoke performance, and he is just not having it. Paula thinks the competition is all about who gets to have fun up there. Simon points out the hideously blatant fact that she's dressing in as little as possible to keep the votes coming in. Everybody else got that a long time ago. Truly, the only thing keeping her alive is that she's whoring us all out with her performance. I'm not saying that Haley is prostituting herself, but what do you call it when you sell your body for money or fame?

The guys are two for two in aping the guys who did duets with Santana. This time Phil Stacey will be the Product G & B and sing "Maria Maria." She may remind him of a west side story, but Phil reminds me of a colon polyp. Which may be what he has, based on the way he's sitting on that stool. Maybe we can blame the guitar player for screwing up the guitar solo. It made me clench a bit too. These vocals are nowhere near what Phil can do. I don't know why he doesn't just cut loose. Unlike Haley, Phil can actually survive on his voice--not his looks--so why not just amaze me? Unfortunately, it's not happening tonight. It doesn't help that his voice broke completely on that last line. Randy was bored with it. Paula looks completely trashed, and her happy juice has kicked in mightily. Simon thought it was unoriginal. Noting the Grim Reaper waiting patiently over Phil's shoulder, Simon also calls it lifeless, which describes Phil perfectly, and Phil wisely avoids sassing him back. Phil tells us an adorable story about his daughter and her stuffed animal, which she, at the grand old age of six months, personally named Simon Cow. Because not only can she now talk, she also has an adult wit. Don't you just hate people who anthropomorphize their own children way past their actual point of maturity? Still, don't vote Phil off. I need him to outlast Haley and Sunny J.

Someone asks Jordin Sparks which theme she would pick, and now I officially love her, because she picked 80's music. I love you, Jordin. Will you go to the prom with me? She's going to sing Gloria Estefan's "The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You," because, y'know, Gloria Estefan and Carlos Santana are apparently the only two Latino musicians. It's a fun song, and I like the way Jordin has fun with it. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a very solid performance. She's just a touch behind the band on the beat, and I am finding all but this last part to be just a bit karaoke. I do like that she's doing her own "Oh-Ay-Oy's." That's gonna be in my head for the next few hours. Throw lots of votes Jordin's way, but put more weight on past performances. Randy thought it was the "Yo Factor." I've given up on understanding what he's talking about. Paula wants to surround us all with flowers, rainbows and puppies. Simon doesn't think it was progressive enough, whatever that means, and he wasn't thrilled. The look on his face sort of says "who put buttermilk in my vodka flask?"

Blake Lewis is doing Marc Anthony's "I Need to Know," which, as Latin songs go, is slightly less annoying than flesh-eating bacteria. Apparently Blake borrowed from Phil's hat collection, which he should absolutely be forbidden from doing ever again, even if it's in the privacy of his own home. With the red shirt and white pants, I think he accidentally made himself look like Gilligan. Vocally, I suppose this is okay. It's a bit boring. It's not the worst performance of the night, and since Blake is the only guy that I even still sort of halfway like, I suppose I can live through it. Still, I want more punch. I sort of miss the old Blake, even though this one is talented and slick. Randy thinks it's totally hot. Paula thinks it was very smart (which she would refer to as "safe" in a derogatory way for any other contestant that she didn't like.) Simon thought it was his best performance ever. Huh.

Closing out the show...Sanjaya. Dear goodness. I had almost forgotten about him. For a moment, Idol was starting to be fun again. Oh how thou hast torn my illusions apart, oh wretched Seacrest!

Gosh, I miss Gina. I just realized that. Actually Priscilla realized it for me, but there's definitely a void in the show tonight. Don't be a stranger, Gina, ok?

Sanjaya Malakar chose... wait, what? "Besame Mucho"??????? Wow. Gutsy choice. And gutsy move stealing Shirley Temple's hairstyle. For some reason when I hear this song, I remember Leslie Nielsen singing it in The Naked Gun, and I giggle a bit. Oh, I loathe myself for saying this... This ain't half bad. UGH!!!! Hit me, somebody! No me gusta Sanjaya, pero me gusta la cancion mucho!! Holy cow. I actually think that he should go through to the next week now. Bye, Haley! He just sent you home. Randy liked it, Paula thought it was nice, and Simon couldn't understand a word of it. Duh, Simon...Espanol? Not the native tongue of the British Isles, even if it is the official language of California. Simon thought it wasn't horrible, though, no matter how much he wants this kid to go home.

Who leaves tonight? Anybody's guess really. (Hint: Haley.) The bottom three will definitely be Chris, Haley, and Phil. See ya when that all goes down!

P.S. Jordin was on beat during the video recap. Vote for her based on her performance at the dress rehearsal!

American Idol 6: 8 Contestants Remain

2007-04-04T20:53:00.000-05:00

After a better than usual night last night, I'm fairly sure that tonight's results will be somewhat close, though I figure either Haley will be strutting her way back to the strip club or Phil will be heading back to finish his treatments.

I caught this week's issue of People magazine which featured the Top 10 and Haley's legs. Seriously, if you look at the cover, that's about all you can see. Chris Sligh's hair and Haley's legs. It's not a pleasant visual when combined. Oh, and don't you just love how magazines proclaim that people will "tell all" and yet they don't? They don't even tell "most."

Now...on with the show.

Last night they raised the dead and were coached by Tony Bennett. I've caught more than a little crap for saying that Tony Bennett was "old," as though he weren't the combined age of everybody left in the competition, and as though that casts aspersions on his music. I'll admit, I'm not a big fan of his style of music, but people...chill...it's gonna be alright. People can have differing musical tastes without one or the other of them being a complete moron. In any case, you can always click off of my page and go listen to Tony and k.d. lang doing "Moonglow" or something if you don't like what I'm saying. (I do happen to like that particular song.)

The kids sang the standards last night, though I must confess I've never known exactly what these songs were "standard" for. Volume level? Lyrical content? Melody? Who knows? I love that they repeated Paula saying that Blake was a "hip cat," when what she most certainly meant was "hep cat." I love it when people use words that they don't really know, yet use them with enthusiasm. Sanjaya completely failed to grasp that Simon was saying "incredible" in the hopes of getting him voted off. Gina was good, Phil was bad, and Sanjaya was ugly. And the brightest of all? Melinda. Neck or no neck, I love my Tennessee girl.

On to the Car-Mercial and here's Gina driving a beater Jeep. She is looking a lot better lately. The remaining Idols are singing the most watered down reggae version of "One Love" that I've ever heard. I hope that some of them get used to washing cars, because I have a feeling that several of them will be returning to that line of work very shortly. (This means you, Sanjaya.) Kermit the Frog makes another appearance, though Gina doesn't rate as high as Katharine McPhee, in the sense of actually getting to sit with Mr. The Frog. And another video ends with me still not being motivated to buy a Ford. Ever.

Ryan reminds us that WE, yes WE, certainly NOT someone the producers have pre-selected, NO couldn't be that, get to write the winner's song this week.

Time to find out who the Bottom Three are. They've been divided into groups of three: the bottom, the middle and the top. If you need it explained any further beyond that then raise your hand and I'll come around and hit you with a tack hammer because you're a retard. (Thanks, David Spade!)

The first group is Beat-Boxing Blake, Wanna-Give-Him-A-Swirly Chris, and Why-Oh-Why Sanjaya. I kinda doubt this group is the bottom.

The second group is RoboLegs, Rockin' Gina, and I-Want-To-Suck-Your-Blood Phil. This has got to be the bottom group.

On to, undoubtedly, the top group, Cute Jordin, American Idol 2007 Melinda, and Baby Mamma LaKisha. Sit down divas. You're safe. Ryan fakes us out by preparing to go to commercial, and then in the most anticlimactic moment in all of television history, he sits them down. Blake, Sanjaya and Chris go to the chairs too.

That leaves Gina, Butterface, and Lurch Jr. onstage. This time, we'll go to break for real.

Back from break, Ryan takes us to the brain strain question of the week. Which A.I. finalist was jokingly referred to as Kevin Covais? Oops. I mean, as Chicken Little. Sheesh, can't we leave that kid alone? Hasn't he been in every question so far this year?

I am wondering exactly how I am going to make fun of "Idol Gives Back" without sounding like a jerk. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Tony Bennett can't perform tonight, because he died five years ago, but you can still go buy his CD. Hey, if 2pac and Jimi Hendrix can do it, so can he. Instead, Michael Buble will be filling in. Man, you know David Radford is sitting at home right now wetting himself, wishing he would've waited a year to audition so he could meet Mike. I can totally dig this performance, by the way. I've always liked Michael Buble, and I really really like this tonight. So I'm going to stop typing, sit, and enjoy this. Talk amongst yourselves.

Wow, Michael Buble hearts Antonella Barba? Do we have a love connection here?

And now it's back to the Circle of Doom. Haley, Gina, and Phil sweat it out as one of them goes back to safety. Phil goes back to safety. Let's hope that we've seen the last of Legs.

Randy thinks America got it right. Paula does too, but she'll never say so. Simon ain't shocked either. Gina deserves to stay.

And apparently sex still sells, so Gina Glocksen will be going home. This is a flat out travesty, by the way. Haley is NOT better than Gina. And I hate Sanjaya even more because of this. I've been cheering Gina on for two seasons now, and I promise you, I'll do my best to follow her career on past this.

Best performance she ever had, and she goes home. Unbelievable.

San-FRIGGIN'-jaya. Sundance Head. Brandon Rogers. Chris Sligh. Gina Glocksen. Yet that little turd is still there. If you voted for Sanjaya, I hate you.

American Idol Season 6: Top 9 Perform

2007-04-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to blog this live, and the weather is kinda nuts outside, so I'm gonna give you the main thoughts for the night. Digest at your leisure.

1. Tony Bennett: After last week, I thought Idol might be on its way to being current and contemporary. Oh well. Instead, they raised the dead again, and gave the Top 9 a mentor who has one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.

2. The Songs: Overall everyone sounded great tonight, but let's face it, these songs are almost impossible to sound bad on. Lyrically, they're mostly on the level of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

3. Gina Glocksen: Still consistently fabulous, no matter what Simon says. I don't understand the need to de-pimp her. She stepped out of her element tonight, looked lovely, and still knocked it out of the park. A thousand times more emotion than RoboHaley.

4. Haley Scarnato: I was barely able to contain my fake surprise when Haley showed up again nearly nude. As her diminishing talent hid behind her high hemlines, I found myself resenting her. I don't even think she's as pretty as everyone says. She's kind of a butterface (everything looks good but 'er face.) Vocally, I just didn't even care. She can't interpret a song; she can just sort of sing it. Not good enough.

5. Blake Lewis: Didn't catch all of this, but I figure "Mack the Knife" was a perfect song choice for him. What I did see was good. More of Blake being Blake.

6. Jordin Sparks: Ah Jordin... where have you been all of my musical life? Loved it. Second only to...

7. Melinda Doolittle: Love. Monster love. I don't care about the competition anymore, because this is our winner.

8. LaKisha Jones: She did alright singing tonight. I bet that dress was stitched with barb wire to keep it on though. Good grief, I thought a bus load of Mexicans might have been hiding in there.

9. Chris Richardson: I don't know why, but I just have this urge to pull his underwear up his butt and over his head. Atomic wedgies are generally only reserved for people I really can't stand. Vocally, he was just sort of alright, but based on his stupid smug look, I don't know how anyone cares for him.

10. Phil Stacey: What Simon said was right: that was a dark performance. Sometimes that's a good thing, but Phil looked like the Undead up there. I felt like I was being serenaded by a shorter version of Lurch from the Addams' Family.

11. Sanjaya Malakar: What is left to be said about this guy? Tons more deserving contestants are sitting home because he's there. He set out tonight to prove that he CAN sing, and he sort of can, but only just alright. To be fair, tonight was his best performance ever, but that still puts him many MANY skill sets below Melinda. I want to be clear on something here: When Simon said "Let's try something different; that was incredible" he was NOT praising Sanjaya. What he was saying was this: "We criticized you last week and your fans rallied and voted you in. Perhaps if we praise you this week, they won't vote and you'll go away." I'm not kidding about this.

Sorry for the truncated recap. See ya when there's no tornado watches!

Idol Waves Top 20 Countdown 4/3/07

2007-04-03T09:54:00.000-05:00

SHOW TIMES TODAY: 3 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m. and 8 p.m. Central Standard Time.

ON TODAY'S SHOW: J.D. and Priscilla bring you the Top 20 songs, as always. Also, we take a look back at guest judge Gwen Stefani's previous work, Melinda Doolittle's song debuts on the charts, a first look at Bo Bice's "Blades of Glory," a tribute to Chris Sligh, Former Teen Idols, and lots more!

TUNE IN AT: www.idolwaves.com

Well, what are you waiting for?

The Inaugural Major League Baseball Civil Rights Game

2007-03-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

I had the pleasure of attending tonight's Civil Rights Game with my wife and my best friend. It was a great night for baseball, even though it had been raining and nearly flooding all day. For some reason, though, God looked down on Memphis, decided it was wet enough, and brought out the cool after-rain calm that makes for a great evening of watching baseball.

I love this time of year. Baseball season starts tomorrow, and I'm ready for it to happen. Usually, watching baseball is plenty enough for me. I am the kind of guy who can sit at a ballpark watching two teams I neither know nor care about and be sublimely happy about it. If I have such a thing as a place of zen, a baseball park would be that place. Tonight was a one-up on all of that, though.

It's not every day that Major League Baseball comes to Memphis. We do have a Triple A team that I think is pretty great, and a ballpark that is probably the best minor league ballpark anywhere. Yet somehow, we have to drive six hours to the closest major league park. So you have to expect a lot of excitement when the St. Louis Cardinals come to town to play. This is Cardinal country anyway, and our Triple A team is the Memphis Redbirds, home to many former and future Cardinals, including Albert Pujols. If you add the Cleveland Indians into that mix, you have a good night of baseball in a town that doesn't get to see the Bigs much.

Rest easy in the knowledge that I still wore the paraphernalia of the Chicago Cubs, who I will always root for. That aside, though, I did have to root for the Cardinals win this National League vs. American League exhibition game. My wife, who is from Ohio, decided to cheer for the Cleveland Indians. We haven't drawn up the divorce papers yet.

In any case, this was no regular game. This was the first ever Civil Rights game, and EVERYBODY was there. Spike Lee, who would win an award later on in the night, premiered his new documentary on Blacks in Baseball right there for us on the stadium Jumbotron. When it came time to perform the national anthem, none other than Patti LaBelle stepped up to the microphone to put her own twist on the Star Spangled Banner. One of the ministers that worked with Martin Luther King, Jr. threw out the first pitch. Roberto Clemente's wife, Spike Lee, and Buck O'Neil were presented with awards for their contributions to the cause of civil rights. Commissioner Bud Selig was there. The National Civil Rights Museum Choir performed "America the Beautiful" during the 7th Inning Stretch, after which The Cheetah Girls from Disney sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." Oh...and there's these two guys you might have heard of by the name of Albert Pujols and Scott Rolen... Pujols did his hometown fans a favor by belting one onto The Bluff in the second inning. Home runs are always nice. Oh, and the game was broadcast on ESPN, and we were on TV.

Most importantly, though, the game centered around Civil Rights. It's good to be reminded sometimes how a silly little thing like racism once divided people and from time to time even still rears its ugly head. Tonight's game drove that point home. Baseball was always at the forefront of integration. And the game itself is such a pure thing that it really doesn't matter if you're black, white, Asian, Australian or whatever race you might be.

I had the privilege of sitting next to a man who was from South Africa and who didn't understand all the nuances of the game. There, in the friendly confines of the ballpark, two people who grew up very differently were able to share conversation about a game that unifies us all.

It was a beautiful night. Really.

(pictures taken by me...click to enlarge)

Jon Peter Lewis - Stories From Hollywood

2007-03-30T21:41:00.000-05:00

One of the beautiful things about being a music blogger and critic is the opportunity to uncover and tell people about music that they might not have heard before. It's usually a happy rarity when I run across something that's actually really good, and it's even more rare when an artist that's actually good approaches ME to get my take on his music.

My good friends over in Jon Peter Lewis's camp have been quite gracious to me lately, though, and it was only a matter of time before I would get my chance to talk to the man behind the fans and hear his debut CD, Stories From Hollywood.

Jon Peter Lewis from American Idol, you're asking? Yes. Those of you who have been long-time readers ought not to be terribly surprised that I'd tackle an American Idol CD. It's just that you might be a little surprised that I'd choose to do this one instead of more obvious ones, like Katharine McPhee or even Elliott Yamin's new CD. Why did I choose this one? Truthfully, it's because I've enjoyed it more than a lot of recent Idol fare. It's one of those rare CDs that I can actually listen to over and over again, continue to enjoy, and still get something new out of it with each rotation.

Comparing it to other Idol fare is a bit unfair... to the other Idols that is. Whereas recent efforts, such as the so-so Katharine McPhee CD and the less-than-what-we-expected Taylor Hicks release have had major studios and labels behind them dumping millions of dollars into marketing and promotion of CDs that obviously don't completely reflect the artist in question, Jon has had little more than his own gumption, a small army of online fans, and a management team that fights tooth and nail to keep him working. And they're not fighting for nothing. Jon Peter Lewis's music is worth listening to. Where you might find hits and misses on records with the 19 Entertainment label on them, you will find very few shortcomings on this indie release.

The real power behind Stories From Hollywood isn't slick production and flashy videos; rather it's the soul-felt stories that Jon weaves. It's the freedom with which he does what he does. It's the fact that you know that this is the music he truly wanted to make. It's quite obvious throughout the CD that these are songs that Jon feels. The lyrics are laced with raw emotion and tell one man's story better than you might expect. By the time the CD finishes, you've been there with him, you know what he was thinking, and you want to go back, again and again and again. Jon himself described this album as sort of a photo album for himself. Any time he wants to reflect on a certain memory, all he has to do is go to the song. We're taken along on the journey with him.

On the other hand, if you're looking for light fluff, then you might want to listen elsewhere.

This album has something for everybody. There's the ring of old 60's and 70's rockers in the title track, "Stories From Hollywood." There's a mellow love ballad in "Man Like Me." There's edgy rock in "Gypsy Queen." And there's fun in songs like "Rodeo." Jon's sentiment runs deepest perhaps on "Man From Amsterdam," which is an incredibly fun song for me, and it's also Jon's personal favorite. The CD is solid, though, with any track you might pick. Small wonder that this CD has debuted to widespread critical acclaim.

And Jon has done all this without anybody at 19 Entertainment lifting a finger. It's true that being on American Idol brought offers from major labels flooding to his door, but in the end, the appeal of doing something and making it his own won him over. Unwilling to allow himself to be crafted into something that wasn't a true representation of himself, Jon struck out on his own, creating his own label, Cockaroo Records, and surrounding himself with all the right people. Oh, by the way, this is the first time that an American Idol contestant has ever produced and distributed their own debut album.

Stories From Hollywood comes with my highest recommendation. If you want to purchase his CD, you can do so a number of ways. His entire album is available via iTunes. You can also order it from Amazon, Napster, Yahoo, Rhapsody, Sony Connect, or Target.com.

And if you're still not convinced, why not go sample some of the songs at www.jonpeterlewis.com?? Check around the site, read about Jon, and take a few moments to say hi to my friends over at his message board. And don't forget to add him as a friend on Myspace.

Trust me: this is one CD purchase you should make. Give it a chance, and you'll understand why Jon is, indeed, the "Indie Idol."